Death scenes

Why Morbius is the greatest film of all time

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April 1rst, 2022 will be remembered as the day when the human race reached its peak, for that was the day when Morbius was released in cinemas worldwide, earning over a trillion dollars within a week and an astonishing 302% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes from both critics and audiences. North and South Korea ended their decades-long feud as border guards abandoned their posts to go watch Morbius; police officers and criminals put aside their differences to sit side-by-by side in theaters, and families depleted their life savings, their children’s college funds, and sold their houses and cars to buy enough tickets so they could see Morbius thousands of times.

I, too, am one of those who fell under Morbius’ spell: ever since the film was released on home media, I have spent 23 ½ hours a day, every day, analyzing Morbius. Existing sorely on Morbius-themed popcorn and Morbius energy drinks, I have pored over every single frame of Morbius, analyzed every word, the camera angles, the use of color and framing, stopping only to sleep for fifteen minutes and spare a few seconds every now and then on other articles for my site. But all my efforts have paid off, as I have concluded that Morbius is the movie of all time, a movie that will still be watched and celebrated hundreds of years from now. The elderly, on their deathbeds, will ask their loved ones to play Morbius again so that they can depart this life watching the living vampire declare, “It’s Morbin’ time!” and children will frolic and play with actors in Morbius and Milo costumes in Morbinland theme parks.

While I will not live long enough to see that joyous future, my work spreading the word of the morb is not yet completed, for there are six people on Earth who think that Morbius is really a mediocre vampire superhero film. Thankfully, I am here to show them the light and prove that Morbius is the greatest film in history by comparing it to the previous greatest film of all time: Citizen Kane. For decades, snobby film critics and the Hollywood elite have beaten into film students and the common folk that Citizen Kane is the greatest film of all time, a most laughable claim if there ever was one, and a claim that I will now show to be 100% false by comparing the two films in several categories, such as the title, poster, plot, main characters, side characters, antagonists, conflict, cinematography, special effects, music, best scene, ending, and cultural impact. You may think this will be no contest, and you’re right: Morbius is going to win by a landslide.

To begin, let’s do a quick summary of both films:

1. Morbius is a 2022 film directed by acclaimed Swedish filmmaker Jorge Daniel Espinosa that follows the saga of a doctor-turned vampire as he struggles to remain his humanity while battling to save New York City from his best friend who has also turned into a vampire.

2. Citizen Kane is a 1941 film directed by a frozen peas spokesperson that follows the saga of why some old dead guy liked a sled so much.

Let the battle begin!

Title:

A movie’s title can sometimes make or break a picture, for it has to grab perspective viewers and give them an idea of what the film is about. Good examples include, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, The Towering Inferno, and Sharknado. Compared to these evocative titles, both Citizen Kane and Morbius are lackluster: Citizen Kane implies that the story is about some citizen named Kane, and Morbius gives no clue what it’s about. But by being similar to ‘morbid,’ it suggests something dark, yet mysterious, resulting in a curiosity that draws people in to find out what it’s about.

Winner: Morbius

Poster:

Citizen Kane’s poster shows some guy looking down at a woman. There’s no hint about what the movie’s about, and the marketing team had to resort to telling us that the movie’s terrific and everyone loves it! But ask any literary agent and they’ll tell you that a great story doesn’t need anyone to tell you it’s terrific, and doing so is a sign that the creators know their work isn’t actually terrific.

Morbius’ poster doesn’t resort to telling you how terrific it is: it shows instead uses a stylish teal and black color scheme, and the image of a man who’s both a man and a snarling man-beast to instantly grab your attention, informs you that a new Marvel legend has arrived, and uses the color red on the title, hinting that whatever is going to happen, there will be blood. Citizen Kane, by comparison, does not have blood, which is why it fails.

Winner: Morbius

Plot:

Citizen Kane’s story follows some reporter named Jerry as he tries to figure out why a dead guy said ‘Rosebud’ just before he died and what kind of man he was. Jerry eventually gives up, never learning what ‘Rosebud’ means. Man, what a loser.

Morbius’ story follows doctor Michael Morbius, a genius doctor who has dedicated his life to helping mankind. One day, while experimenting on a cure for his rare blood condition, he unknowingly transforms himself into a vampire, granting him extraordinary powers, but at the cost of constantly needing human blood. Worse still, his childhood friend, Milo, has also become a vampire. With time running out before he permanently loses his humanity, Morbius must fight to not only stop Milo, but the darkness within.

Winner: Morbius

Main Character:

Citizen Kane’s protagonist is Charles Foster Kane. He was once a nice little kid before becoming really rich and taking over a newspaper and getting an ego the size of a planet and subsequently ruining all the friendships and relationships he ever had before dying alone and reminiscing about a sled.

Morbius’ protagonist is Michael Morbius. Unlike Kane, he is a good man who strives to help those around him, and even when he is turned into a vampire and given extraordinary powers that would allow him to dominate and destroy everyone around him, he refuses to use those powers and tries to get rid of them while simultaneously trying to save his lifelong best friend from the same condition, and a government determined to hunt him down for a murder he didn’t commit. And throughout it all, Morbius constantly tries to do the right thing, no matter the cost to himself, making him not only a hero for our time, but the hero of all time.

Winner: Morbius

Side characters:

Citizen Kane’s side characters are boring. How many of them have become staples in pop culture? Can you name any of them off the top of your head? No? I thought not. Pfffft.

Morbius’ side characters, however, are a complex and wildly interesting bunch. Among them are:

*Morbius’ research assistant, Martine, who’s willing to work with Morbius even after he’s turned into a vampire, and also sacrifices her life to give Morbius the strength he needs to defeat Milo, only to then be resurrected as a vampire herself.

*FBI agent Simon Stroud, a tough, competent, yet fair man who owes his life to Morbius for the artificial blood Morbius invented, which is what allowed him to survive being wounded in Afghanistan. Yet, tragically, he has to hunt down Morbius, seeking to bring him to justice. But unlike so many other fictional, power-hungry or by-the-book agents, Stroud doesn’t compromise his morals to accomplish his goals.

*Alberto Rodriguez, Stroud’s partner, who appears to be nothing more than your typical, bumbling comic-relief sidekick, having no comprehension of feline behavior or how litterboxes work. Yet, he is surprisingly brave and unfazed at the prospect of facing off with a vampire, and shows no fear when the time comes, proving he’s far braver than most mortal men.


*Dr. Emil Nicholas, who helps sick children and acts as a surrogate father to Morbius and Milo, trying to be kind and understanding to both, but unconsciously favoring Morbius, with tragic results.

*Nicque Marina, who only appears a few times as a reporter for the Daily Bugle, who is clearly infatuated with Morbius (making her an audience surrogate for everyone on Earth), but who is dedicated to telling the truth and doing her job.

*Nurse Kristen Sutton, a kind and well-meaning nurse who’s brutal death at Milo’s hands made me cry harder than when Jack turned into a corpsicle in Titanic.

Every face in Morbius, no matter how briefly they may appear, is so memorable that they put every other supporting cast in every movie ever to shame.

Winner: Morbius

Antagonists:

Citizen Kane has only one antagonist: Kane himself, who, while pursing wealth and power, alienates everyone around him and ensures he’ll die alone, the fool.

Morbius faces not only the government during his cinematic journey, but also Milo, his best friend. Though crippled by a rare blood disease that leaves him weak and barely able to walk, Milo is fabulously rich and has helped fund all of Morbius’ work into curing their condition. Yet, when he takes the cure that turns him into a creature of the night, Milo goes on a blood-drenched rampage through the streets of New York City. But despite his viciousness, Milo still genuinely cares about Morbius and wants him to embrace being a vampire, too, so they can be best buddies forever and eventually take over the earth, complete with awesome castles, capes, and being suave, sexy creatures of the night.

Winner: Morbius

Conflict:

Citizen Kane’s conflict revolves around what ‘Rosebud’ means. Can you imagine anything more boring?

Morbius’ conflict centers around Michael Morbius’ desperate attempts to hold onto his humanity after becoming a vampire, while simultaneously trying to stop Milo’s rampage though New York City. Success will mean having to kill his best friend, and failure will mean losing his humanity and leading to the deaths of countless people.

Winner: Morbius

Cinematography:

In the cinematography department, Citizen Kane is surprisingly good, featuring complex camera moves and excellent cinematography with many memorable shots that have stood the test of time.

Unfortunately for Citizen Kane, Morbius’ cinematography is the gold standard for all films forever: besides being in vibrant color instead of boring black and white, Morbius has lots of pretty shots of New York City, highlighting man’s achievement in taming his environment, allowing him to create grand settlements filled with millions of people living peaceful, happy lives. But these shots subtly reminds us that if Morbius doesn’t stop Milo, all of these people will die, giving each shot a subtle menace and dread.

Plus, the film is a masterpiece of a wide and varied color palette, from the 80’s inspired credits, to the white, green, and orange subway, to the aforementioned colorful cityscapes. Plus, thanks to advanced filmmaking techniques, Morbius has many shots of Morbius flying through the sky, fighting Milo in slow motion, and plunging through a half-built skyscraper, shots that the salesman of frozen peas couldn’t even dream of using. And to cap it all off, there’s this awesome shot of a menacing green hallway at night with a vampire hopping around.

Does Citizen Kane have a spooky, green hallway at night with vampires hopping around? Didn’t think so.

Winner: Morbius

Special effects:

Citizen Kane‘s creepy bird is certainly memorable.

Morbius is filled to the brim with breathtaking computer generated images that allow actors Jared Leto and Matt Smith to do feats that are physically impossible, such as displaying enhanced strength, flying through the air, using echolocation, battling through a half-built skyscraper, and even summoning thousands of bats to aid them in battle. Could Charles Kane summon bats to help him battle his enemies on the campaign trail? I think not.

Winner: Morbius

Music:

Can you hum a single tune from Citizen Kane? Yeah, me neither.

Morbius, however, has a swelling, heart-stirring soundtrack, but nothing can top the auditory masterpiece that is ‘Off The Meds’ by EKSE, with it’s timeless, heart-wrenching lyrics:

‘I poop my answer, yes,’

‘Have sex!’

‘Poop my pants’

‘Poop my tent’

Sorry, Bernard Herrmann, but your noble efforts have been morbed!

Winner: Morbius

Best Scene:

To it’s credit, Citizen Kane does have a few memorable scenes that have endured throughout the years, like him talking before a poster of himself, clapping furiously after humiliating his wife like the bastard he is, him whispering, ‘Rosebud’ before dying, and the revelation that Rosebud is a sled.

Trying to pick the best scene from Morbius however, is more difficult than when Hercules embarked on his 12 labors. While I was tempted to go with the now-legendary scene of him saying, “It’s Morbin’ time!” and morbing all over Satan while on top of an erupting volcano, I ultimately chose what will surely be remembered as the greatest scene in movie history: Milo dancing.

Why is this scene the best scene ever? There are many reasons:

1. It has a shirtless Matt Smith doing pushups.

2. The architecture and look of the room, complete with black and white marble, mustard-colored curtains, and ‘color-inverted zebras being shot at by arrows’ wallpaper.

3. The joy of seeing a crippled man finally gaining a perfect, disease-free body and celebrating being able to move pain-free without the need of a walking stick.

4. The music, with its timeless lyrics, such as, ‘I poop my answer, yes,’ ‘Have sex!’ “Poop my pants,’ and ‘poop my tent.’

5. Milo’s dance choreography, which puts every musical ever to shame. Somewhere in the afterlife, Fred Astaire is weeping at both being able to see such talent, and grief that he was not able to life up to Milo’s standards while he was still alive.

There is no competition: Milo dancing is pure cinematic gold. When I one day depart this mortal coil, I want to watch this scene on repeat, with the last words my dying brain ever hears is ‘poop my tent’

Winner: Morbius

Ending:

Citizen Kane ends with Jerry mulling over everything he’s learned about Kane, coming to the conclusion that he doesn’t have a clue what Rosebud means and gives up, presumably to go home and cry while gulping down ice cream to soothe the pain of his failure as both a reporter and a man. And as he’s no doubt eating his way to type two diabetes, we, the audience, see Kane’s belongings being burned, including his beloved sled, Rosebud. That’s kinda sad, I guess.

Morbius ends so heartwrenchingly that I can barely type this without tears staining my keyboard: Despite all his efforts, Morbius is forced kill his greatest friend and end his rampage of destruction before flying off with his bat friends to an unknown future, leaving us to wonder if he has held onto his humanity or given in to his inner vampire… but the mid-credits teaser sequence, in which Morbius teams up with the Vulture – Spider-Man’s greatest, most famous, and most dangerous foe – reveals that he has indeed fallen to the inescapable grasp of evil, and that the noble doctor is no more.

Such power. Such gravitas. Not even Shakespeare himself could craft such a heart-wrenching tragedy.

Winner: Morbius

Cultural impact:

Citizen Kane’s lasting impact on pop culture is to allow professors at film schools to feel special by telling their students over and over that Citizen Kane is the best film in human history. Too bad they won’t be able to do that anymore!

Morbius’ impact on pop culture is difficult to determine, only because it’s been a year since it came out, but all reliable sources say that no other film or franchise will ever have as great an impact on human culture. The output of Morbius merchandise, fan art, fan videos, clothing, theme parks, happy meals, shampoo, and Halloween candy has surpassed Star Wars, Jurassic World, LEGO, and every franchise ever, and will doubtless continue to grow in popularity for centuries to come.

Winner: Morbius

Conclusion:

When we compare the winners in each category, it becomes clear that this is no contest: Morbius clobbers (or should I say, morbs) Citizen Kane in every aspect. Kane, once the pinnacle of cinema, is no longer the king, or even a pretender to the throne. Morbius has come and morbed all over Kane, and is now the king of the mountain, the zenith of humanity’s creative endeavors, and the greatest film of all time, bar none. This movie is what God created us for; our time to ascend to the stars and take our place alongside our peers throughout the cosmos has come, for we have proven that we are worthy of joining them with the cinematic tale of a doctor-turned vampire, leaving Citizen Kane to fade into dust, as it rightfully should.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pop some more Morbius popcorn and watch the movie for the 9,528th time. Because it’s just that good.

Perfect Moments: Toy Story 5’s Ending

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Once in a while, you come across a moment in a story that is so perfect that it stays in with you for years, or even a lifetime. These are moments that, in my opinion, are flawless; perfect gems of storytelling that cannot be improved in any way, and are a joy to treasure and revisit again and again.

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The Video:

Why it’s Perfect

Like many people, I was surprised and a little dismayed with the recent announcement that we’re getting another Toy Story sequel. Not because I hate the series, but because Toy Story 3 already had a perfect ending that tied everything up. Then Toy Story 4 came along and undid it all, and had an ending that had nowhere near the emotional weight it was going for. The thought of Pixar trying to undo that makes it seem like Disney is just trying to wring more money out of a story that should have ended for good over twelve years ago.

While it probably will be nothing like this fan-made pitch on what Toy Story 5 should be about, the idea here is fascinating: if Toy Story 3 was about accepting the inevitability of loss, and Toy Story 4 was about eventually finding a new path for yourself once your purpose in life is complete, then Toy Story 5 should logically be about accepting the inevitability of death. This pitch does a great job of setting that up… and then it ends with a scene that would be the most powerful, most emotional, and most heartbreaking thing Pixar has EVER done. If you haven’t seen the video yet, please do so before reading any further.

Done? Okay then.

The thought of Toy Story 5 ending with Woody reuniting with an elderly Andy on his deathbed, and Andy realizing that Woody is alive is an idea that’s so simple, but emotionally powerful. After decades apart, two old friends reunite for the last time, and Woody breaks the golden rule of toys to never reveal themselves as being alive to comfort Andy on his deathbed. And for a little while, the two reminisce about their lives before both of them pass away together of old age.

Pixar is almost certainly going to do something different than this idea, but if they went with this, it would be the perfect way to end the series for good. At its core, the Toy Story saga is about a toy’s relationship with his owner. And while they naturally grow apart as the series goes on, having them reunite at the very end shows how both have grown and changed, yet the love they have for each other is still there. As the the series’ theme song says, ‘our friendship will never die.’ It faded as time went on, but bloomed in full at the very end.

Beautiful.

Perfect Moments: ‘A Christmas Miracle’

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Once in a while, you come across a moment in a story that is so perfect that it stays in with you for years, or even a lifetime. These are moments that, in my opinion, are flawless; perfect gems of storytelling that cannot be improved in any way, and are a joy to treasure and revisit again and again.

***

The Video:

NOTE: This video has language that is not safe for work.

Why it’s Perfect

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and as we all settle down into our post-dinner comas, we dream of finally being able to put up all the Christmas decorations once again.

But with Christmas comes something else: something malevolent, malicious, and that infects the soul. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, you cannot escape it. But no one who works in our stores can escape it, and they will spend the next month fighting off the madness that will attempt to destroy us all. Please spare a moment to thank them for their sacrifice so that we can continue to get the consume goods we need while they struggle not to go insane.

What is this evil? Well, just watch the video and find out. And if you have scars from having to wrestle with this madness then you’ll hopefully get a laugh out of it like I did.

The Best Background Characters: The Tip-toeing Nazi Soldier

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Every story has a cast of characters that we follow and watch and come to love… but what about the background characters? The nameless masses who rarely get our attention? This column examines my favorite background characters who deserve a moment in the spotlight.

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The Game:

‘Wolfenstein II – The New Colossus’

The Character:

A tip-toeing Nazi soldier.

The Scene:

(The soldier appears at 2:03)

Why He Deserves A Moment In The Spotlight

In the opening of 2017’s, ‘Wolfenstein: The New Colossus,’ the player’s enormous U-boat hideout is boarded by dozens of Nazi commandos intent on killing him and his allies. At one point, the player meets up with Set, a Jewish scientist, who defends both of them with the use of a microwave-lined hallway, which obliterates multiple Nazis as they blindly run through it. But near the end, one soldier realizes that something’s not right about the hallway and stops to consider his next course of action, which is to carefully – and hilariously – tippy-toe through the hallway… only to be blown up like everyone else.

The common Nazi in ‘The New Colossus’ exists (as they rightfully should) to be mowed down by the hundreds. Players expect them to be little more than cannon fodder, which makes moments like these great because it gives individual soldiers a little personality and makes them stand out in a crowd of characters we’re conditioned not to care about… but because this soldier’s still part of the most monstrous regime ever to exist in human history, we laugh at his explosive death instead of mourning him, because f*** Nazis.

That’s F***ing Hilarious: My Favorite Funny Curses In Movies

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NOTE: Although they are quoted and discussed in an academic manner, this article contains both written and video examples of vulgar language and is not safe for work.

Can swearing ever be funny? When played for drama, the Precision F-Strike can easily be one of the more shocking and memorable moments of a film, but when played for comedy, it’s often the funniest, as comedy Legend John Cleese would attest. To quote TvTropes:

“John Cleese… once described this trope in an interview, by explaining that the art of making swear words funny is to avoid using them… until the exact moment in the script when it will be most effective. A comedy with gratuitous swearing ends up desensitizing the audience to the words in question, meaning they lose a lot of their amusement. But if you go for fifty minutes without a single swear word, then suddenly have a character say “shit”, the swear word becomes instantly more amusing because the audience has been conditioned not to expect it up to that point.”

After thinking about this, I’ve come to the realization that Mr. Cleese is correct; after all, some of the most memorable swear words in cinema happen because you don’t expect them. Thus, to celebrate the times where vulgar language can add so much to a scene, I thought it’d be fun to share my amusing uses of swear words in films. Some were done intentionally, others less so, and some are the result of goofy writing or hilarious acting, and some may be the result of mondegreen (a phenomena where a word or phrase is misheard or misunderstood and interpreted as something else), but they are all memorable and good for a chuckle.

Honorable Mention 1: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

It’s not a swear word, but if you listen closely at 2:48, you can hear what sounds like Voldermort’s otherworldly voice whispering, ‘Screw you, Harry!’ It pretty much ruins the drama of what is otherwise one of the most dramatic and satisfying moments of the entire Harry Potter saga, but it’s pretty dang funny to imagine that as the most powerful dark wizard alive dissipates into the afterlife, a fragment of his spirit takes one last opportunity to insult Harry, but in a polite, non-vulgar way. How thoughtful!

Honorable Mention 2: Dexter

I have never seen the television show Dexter and know next-to-nothing about it, but I have seen this clip countless times and it still cracks me up, especially with some of the jokes people have made with it.

7. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The climactic chapter of the live action Transformers film series (until two sequels and a quasi-reboot came along) pulled no punches in upping the stakes, with a full-on invasion of Earth by the Decepticons, having the Autobots be grossly outnumbered, and having the Autobot’s most revered leader turn out to be a Decepticon turncoat who will enslave the human race without a second’s thought. It’s only fitting then, that he’s executed at the end without any mercy by his successor and former admirer Optimus Prime.

But while Sentinel’s official last words are an anguished, ‘No, Optimus!’ if you listen closely at the 1:00 mark, you can hear him groan, ‘Oh, fuck!’ before he dies and goes to Transformer hell. There’s just something amusing about the most famous, noble Autobot in Cybertron’s history going out not with a plea or a whimper, but with the sudden realization that he had screwed up so badly that the best way to express his regret was with an all-too human expression.

6. Transformers: The Movie

Yep, there are two entries about profanity in a series about shape-shifting robots that’s targeted for young kids. The first film about these robots from beyond the stars was notable for many things: the death of Optimus Prime, the introduction of Unicron, a robot capable of eating entire worlds, killing off almost all of the original cartoon’s cast, and being the very first time profanity was used in the series.

In this scene, Spike the human and his robot buddy Bumblebee have their moonbase self-destruct in an attempt to destroy Unicron as he eats said base, only for the plan to fail utterly. In response, a flabbergasted Spike calmly asks his robotic companion what the best course of action is to resolve their rather unfortunate predicament. Just kidding; he memorably says, ‘Oh shit, what are we gonna do now?!’

Can you imagine that? Someone swearing in a cartoon for kids? Outside of this example, I can’t think of any other show or movie that’s done so, and not only is it shocking, but funny, too because of how relatable and understandable Spike’s reaction is.

5. Superhero Movie

Released near the end of the era of big-budget movie parodies, ‘Superhero Movie’ is a funny send-up of superhero films released up to that date, the most famous being Sony’s Spider-Man trilogy, but with affectionate jabs towards the X-Men and Fantastic Four as well, complete with juvenile humor throughout. But my pick for the most memorable moment of the film comes at the climax, where the nefarious villain Hourglass – on the verge of gaining immortality – instead meets the Grim Reaper via Dragonfly plopping a crotch-bomb right in front of his face. And how does this dastardly villain, possessing a genius intellect, a fiendish plan, and every advantage imaginable, react? He gives the film’s only use of the word, ‘Fuck.’

Much like Sentinel in ‘Dark of the Moon,’ there’s just something funny at seeing a story’s villain so gobsmacked or horrified that they have to resort to cursing, and ‘Superhero Movie’ does it well.

4. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

The Star Wars movies may pack stylized violence galore, but are by and large G-rated when it comes to talking… except in 1987’s, Return of the Jedi, where, when watching a super star destroyer plunge towards the second Death Star, you can hear someone on Admiral Ackbar’s flagship yell, ‘Die, dickheads!’ at 0:38.

For years, Star Wars fans have been wondering if we’re really hearing someone swear, or just something that sounds like it. Personally, I like to think that it is real, as it’s perfectly reasonable that someone fighting against an evil empire would celebrate and let loose with the strongest insult they could think of at realizing that said empire is finally about to be destroyed after decades of terror, suffering, and misery. Who among us wouldn’t do the same?

3. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

In the pantheon of major Hollywood blockbusters, New Line Cinema’s The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogies are quite odd when compared to their peers: Aside from the decapitations, arms getting lopped off, armies being slaughtered by the thousands, and Sean Bean being turned into a pincushion, all six films are surprisingly tame, with no sex and no vulgar language that we can understand (aside from untranslated dwarvish). Much fun has been poked at this phenomena over the years, but as it turns out, there is exactly one audible curse word in the saga, one that’s hidden very well.

In the opening prologue of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Smaug the dragon attacks the city of Dale, burning it to the ground and inflicting death and destruction beyond comprehension. Naturally, it makes sense that people would be scared out of their minds at having their peaceful life destroyed in mere minutes, and nowhere is that more audible than someone yelling, “Oh God, what the fuck?!” at 1:59 in the clip above.

What I love about this swear is that it’s the perfect embodiment of John Cleese’s description of funny swears: After three movies of people, elves, and dwarves talking in G-rated language, having a ‘fuck!’ come out of nowhere is darkly hilarious, and a very understandable reaction to a dragon destroying everything you know and love. But even this vulgar word serves a purpose, as it helps to humanize the people of Dale; It’s one thing to see fictional characters panic, but when they let lose with curses and expletives that we all use from time to time, it makes them more human and shows that they feel the anger, frustration, and rage that we all do in a world that sucks at times.

2. The Wicker Man

2006’s ‘The Wicker Man’ quickly became a laughing stock as one of the cherished, ‘So bad it’s good’ films of the decade, even being described as the year’s best comedy, and all of that is due to the infinitely-entertaining Nicholas Cage, who does everything from running around and punching old women in a bear suit, to demanding how something got burned, and yelling about bees. But for my money, the film’s most hilarious moment is him yelling about how his death isn’t going to bring back the islander’s honey. It’s a line that – when taken out of context – is THE definition of ‘so stupid, it’s awesome,’ and you wonder how Mr. Cage managed to yell it without cracking up. I have no idea how, but I’m so glad he did it.

1. Epic Movie

What would happen if Superman suddenly no longer had bulletproof skin? He’d be in for a world of hurt, as demonstrated brilliantly in ‘Epic Movie.’

‘Epic Movie,’ despite it’s disastrous reception by audiences and critics alike, and it’s subpar performance as a spoof film, does have one truly brilliant scene: a parody of the sequence from ‘Superman Returns’ where Superman gets shot in the eye. But here, we see what would happen if the Man of Steel didn’t have indestructible eyeballs.

Everything about this scene is great: the music is appropriately bombastic, the build up is flawless, the effects of a slow-motion bullet are well done for a low-budget parody… and then the bullet sinks into Superman’s eyeball with a cartoonish squishing sound, and he shrieks in absolute agony, topped off with a very understandable shriek of how he’s been shot in the fucking eye. While the film may not be the best example of a parody, this scene is absolute gold, and my favorite use of the word ‘fuck’ in any film.

What We Can Learn from The Resident Evil Film Series: Part 1

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It’s October once again, and our annual celebration of all things spooky: Vampires, skeletons, ghosts, witches, political lobbyists, and everything else that lurks in the shadows under the midnight moon. But there’s nothing to celebrate about the troubled times we live in: democracy is under siege worldwide, the climate is changing for the worse, and a virus is running rampant that causes some people to go mad and attack others for the most trivial of reasons. In light of all these troubles, I thought, in spirit of the season, why not take some time to unwind by watching a movie series about a virus running rampant that causes people to go mad and attack others, eventually destroying civilization and bringing humanity to its knees? The series of which I speak is the long-running, seemingly undead saga of ‘Resident Evil.’

Ever since the introduction of the original Resident Evil on the Playstation in 1995, the series has gone on to encompass 28 games (!), several novels, action figures, and even a freaking restaurant. It’s not surprising that a movie adaptation would eventually come along, and we got such an adaptation with the Paul W.S. Anderson series that ran from 2002 to 2016. While a critical failure, the series was a financial success (they remain the highest-grossing zombie movie series in history), which means that they must have been doing something well. That’s why we’re going to dive into all six films and see if we can discover just what those things are.

Much like my previous analysis of Friday the 13th, the Matrix fight scenes, and the Jaws series, we’ll be taking a look at each movie and seeing what they do well, and what could have used some improvement. And once we reach the end, we’ll see what the series accomplished and what lessons it can offer writers. So without further ado, let’s dive into the world of movies about video game zombies. We’ll start at the beginning, with the simply-named, ‘Resident Evil.’

Released in 2002, the movie follows a group of heavily armed Umbrella soldiers and a lady in skimpy clothes as they infiltrate the Hive, an underground research facility where a killer virus has broken loose and turned the people inside into bloodthirsty zombies, hideous monsters, and other icky horrors that our heroes must fight in order to escape.

What does the film do well?

It has an effective horror location

Any self-respecting horror story has its characters eventually stuck in an isolated, out-of-the-way location where it’s difficult, if not impossible, to get help, forcing the characters to rely on their wits and each other. ‘Resident Evil’ is an interesting variation of this: the film takes place almost entirely within the Hive, an underground research facility located beneath a major metropolitan area. This serves a dual purpose: It makes it so that the characters are so close to help, but are still cut off, and since the facility is deep underground, they can’t just jump out of a window, run out through the main door, or otherwise easily escape. Worse still, if the virus breaks free, everyone the surface will suffer the same fate as the poor souls who have been transformed into undead ghouls.

It has an effective ticking clock

One of the best ways to keep a story moving is to have a ticking clock, something bad that will occur if the protagonists don’t accomplish their goals in time. ‘Resident Evil’ features a particularly effective one: Alice and the other security forces heading into the Hive have to get back out or they’ll be trapped inside when the Hive is permanently sealed. That’s a good incentive to keep moving and ensure that the story does, too.

It has a great psychological death scene

‘Resident Evil’ gets off to a good start by having a bunch of innocent workers die during the initial virus outbreak, most by being gassed, some by being dropped to their death in an elevator, and one poor lady getting her head smashed into goo. It’s all suitably unnerving, but I think the most effective part takes place in a sealed lab.

(the scene in question starts at 4:55)

There, three workers realize that, because the lab is sealed, the water pouring in has nowhere to go. If they don’t find a way out, they’ll drown. Later, when Alice and the soldiers pass through the lab area, we learn that the workers did indeed drown.

The other deaths in the opening may be more graphic, visceral, and direct, but for my money this is the most unnerving death scene of the film. It taps into the fear of facing a horrible, painful death and not being able to do anything about it. Worse still, it’s not a quick death: you would have plenty of time to watch the water slowly rise, covering your knees, then your waist, then your chest, and shoulders, until there’s only a few inches of space left for you to breathe… and then there would be nothing. And all the while you’re trying to cut your way out with an axe, only to realize that there’s no way out. You’re going to drown, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. It’s a terrifying thought, and a perfect example of how horror is more than just decapitations and buckets of blood being thrown all over the screen: It’s about suffering and being helpless to stop it.

It has an awesome deathtrap

If the James Bond and SAW series have proven anything over the years, it’s that people get a kick out of elaborate deathtraps, and ‘Resident Evil’ features a particularly infamous one: the laser hallway.

This scene is a doozy because it’s so simple, yet devastatingly effective: our operatives are trapped inside a tight, confined space with nowhere to hide, and their only hope to survive is to dodge the lasers until the system is shut down. But the lasers’ path is unpredictable and constantly changing, culminating with an inescapable grid that chops One into bite-sized pieces.

Yet, like all great traps, it is possible to survive. The people facing it have a chance if they’re fast, flexible, and have taken plenty of Zumba classes, but messing up just once means losing body parts if you’re lucky, or death if you’re not. It’s simple, effective, and memorable, so much so that even the Resident Evil video games featured a homage to it.

It has a villain doing the wrong thing for very justifiable reasons

While Alice and the Umbrella soldiers have to deal with zombies, zombie dogs, a licker, and the man who is ultimately responsible for starting the outbreak in the first place (for money, of course), their main adversary is the Red Queen, the AI in charge of running the Hive. But while it is responsible for killing a few hundred workers and researchers, it was not done out of malice: The Red Queen, in order to prevent the highly contagious T-Virus from escaping the Hive and reaching the surface, decided that killing everyone to keep them from escaping was the best course of action in prevent a planetary pandemic. And considering what happens in the later films, the Queen’s logic is dark, but understandable: Kill a few hundred to prevent humanity being brought to the edge of extinction.

The very best villains are the ones that make audiences ponder what they would do in their place, making them more memorable than the routine, ‘kill ‘em all for money/power/the evulz/etc.’ villains we see so often. It’s hard to beat a villain who relies on logic instead of malice and does horrific things for the right reasons (and is even willing to let Alice and the others escape if they kill the one infected member of their group).

It features a great cliffhanger ending

As is so often the case in action-horror movies, only a few people make it out alive at the end (Alice and Matt) before the Hive is finally sealed. But the movie doesn’t end there: the true ending finds Alice waking up in a hospital and emerging into an abandoned Raccoon City. There’s no help coming, no rescue party, and all Alice has is a single shotgun to face off against the unseen armies of the undead. Even worse is the knowledge that Matt is being put into the Nemesis program, a great tease for fans of the game as to who will appear in the next film. And while it’s always risky to end a movie on a cliffhanger (there’s no guarantee you’re going to get that sequel), this one is terrific, leaving viewers imagining what’s going to happen next in a world that’s on the brink of the apocalypse.

What could the story have done better?

It could have been much more faithful to the games

The biggest flaw with ‘Resident Evil’ is that it has almost nothing to do with the game it’s based off of. While the main elements are here (a team of trained operatives, a mansion, zombies, a licker, and the Umbrella Corporation), none of the characters from the game appear, and we have a plot that bears little resemblance to the source material, a massive disappointment for anyone who hoped to see Jill Valentine, Chris Redfield, and Barry Burton’s Jill Sandwich jokes.

When a book, a video game, or other property gets adapted into a film, fans of those properties expect to see the story and characters brought to life on the big screen, and ‘Resident Evil’s lack of faithfulness to the source material leaves it feeling like a In-Name-Only adaptation designed to deprive fans of their cash without giving them what they were expecting.

There are too many side characters

‘Resident Evil’ features the undead horse-trope of ‘large group of individuals go through a horror movie where 80% of them exist to die horribly.’ While there are plenty of deaths to satisfy horror fans, those deaths would have much more impact if we got time to know more of the soldiers, giving their deaths more emotional weight. As with so many other films of this type, it might have been better to have only a handful of characters instead of a lot.

It has a cliffhanger ending

The biggest risk of having a cliffhanger ending is that, unless you’re doing an installment of a major, pre-established franchise or already filming the sequel, a sequel is not guaranteed. People may just not go see the movie, the hoped-for profits never come, and a followup is never made, leaving a cliffhanger eternally unresolved. While ‘Resident Evil’s gamble paid off, it could have also left fans angry at never seeing the coming zombie apocalypse or Nemesis stomping about while yelling about stars.

Cliffhangers, while effective, should be used carefully, both in case a project never gets a followup, or if the followup itself is… well, we’ll get to that later. But we’ve still got five movies to go through, so tune in next time where we’ll see Alice jump out of the frying pan and into the zombie-infected fire in ‘Resident Evil: Apocalypse.’

What We Can Learn From The Biggest Plot Hole In ‘Titanic’ (And No, It’s Not That Hunk Of Wood)

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No matter how careful or methodical a director or writer may be, mistakes and plot holes will always sneak into movies and books, and 1997’s ‘Titanic’ is no exception; despite being the most historically accurate film about the famed ship at the time, fans and viewers have long pointed out about how Jack describes Lake Wissota before it was created, about extras bouncing off foam capstans as the stern rises into the sky , and have gone on and on about how Jack could have fit on that hunk of wood after the Titanic sank, letting him and Rose survive the freezing waters of the Atlantic.

Yet, despite being out for over twenty years, one plot hole seems to have escaped notice, one that, if taken to its logical conclusion, would make the events of the film impossible.

In ‘Titanic’s opening scene, treasure hunter Brock Lovett and his motley crew retrieve a safe from the ship and bring it to the surface in search of the Heart of the Ocean, but find only random artifacts, including Jack’s drawings of Rose, which eventually leads to her coming out to the salvage ship and captivating them (and us) with her tale of love, loss, and survival. It’s a great start to the story, but there’s just one problem:

How did the salvage crew get the safe to the surface?

Now, this question seem silly, but the longer you think about it, the more apparent it becomes that getting the safe out of the ship is nearly impossible because of two factors:

1. The weight of the safe.

2. The safe’s location.

Let’s begin with the weight issue: I was unable to find any information online about the safe’s weight, the manufacturer, or the model used in the film, but a search on other safes of similar size from the early 1900’s revealed that they typically weigh around two to three hundred pounds, so we can assume the safe in the film has roughly the same weight (it’s telling that the only time we see the safe being moved in 1912 is when it’s been wheeled into Cal’s suite on a dolly).

Next, let’s look at the safe’s location: The safe is still inside of Cal’s suite on B deck, and within a fairly short distance to the remains of the grand staircase. To get to it, Brock has to dispatch his rover down two decks, go down a hallway, then go through two doors to reach the safe and then pull it out the same way.

Now, at first glance, that sounds difficult, but not insurmountable. But remember that Brock is trying to retrieve a safe that weighs a minimum of two hundred pounds. And unlike in real life, where a safe was retrieved from Titanic’s debris field, Brock can’t just attach the safe to a cable and pull the safe straight up. He has to somehow drag that heavy safe out of the suite, across B deck, and get it to the stairwell. Complicating matters further is that the only tool he has at his disposal is a rover that is not capable of moving heavy objects, much less a two hundred pound safe.

A potential solution to this problem might be to have the control ship Keldysh attach a net to the tow cable on the stern, lower it directly into the stairwell, and then have the rover maneuver the net into the cabin, put said net over the safe, and then winch it out of the ship. But this wouldn’t work: First of all, the end of the cable looks like this:

How is that big, bulky thing supposed to be dragged into B deck and through two staterooms by a tiny robot?

Second, imagine a helicopter hovering five hundred feet above a rotting two story house; it lowers a thick, bulky hook on a cable down the chimney and uses a tiny drone to try and maneuver that hook into a bedroom twenty feet away from the chimney, and then into a closet, then have the rover drape the net over a safe. What do you think will happen when the helicopter tries to winch the safe out of the closet? That’s right: the hook’s housing is going to get caught on the roof, the door frame, or any other number of obstacles. Applying more pressure will just damage the house, make the cable get caught on something else, or even fray it to the point of snapping, and that’s also assuming the net would even stay on the safe and not just slide off.

Now, if Brock wants to do something simpler, a more logical way would be to have the hook snaked in through the windows of the suite’s promenade deck and attach it to the safe, then drag it out through the window. The main advantage of this route is that the distance the safe needs to travel is much shorter, but I don’t think it would work, either; again, the end of the cable is much too big and can’t be maneuvered through the windows. Even if it was, it would get stuck on the window when it was being retracted. Secondly, considering how the metal has been rusting underwater for over 80 years, there’s a reasonable chance that it could break or shatter, creating sharp edges that could cut the cable, and that’s assuming that the safe doesn’t get stuck on debris on the suite’s floors while it’s being dragged about.

When we add in the factors of the safe’s weight, the distance it has to travel, the limited tools at Brock’s disposal, and the difficulty of getting such a heavy object out of a shipwreck, we are faced with one inescapable conclusion: there is no logical way to get the safe out of Titanic. And if there’s no safe, there’s no drawings, and there’s no movie. It would end with Brock being forced to give up his quest, Rose dying in her bed at home, and the movie being only eight minutes long.

And yet, even with all that in mind, this plot hole really doesn’t matter in the long run. At this point in the story, the point is to have the safe retrieved and Jack’s drawings be discovered. How that happens really isn’t important from a story perspective. And while that may sound like a cheat, consider other similar situations from other movies and TV shows:

1. King Kong: The crew of the Venture needs to get Kong from Skull Island to New York City. The story has two options:

Option A: Show Driscoll and the others constructing a raft, tying Kong to it, and sailing hundreds of miles while constantly trying to keep Kong unconscious and unable to break free.

Option B: Just cut to New York a week or two later.

2. Star Wars: A New Hope: Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca are separated deep in the bowels of the Death Star, a moon-sized fortress they’ve never been in before and are unfamiliar with, and they have to get back to the Millennium Falcon to escape. The story has two options:

Option A: Show the four trying to find maps, read directions, and otherwise stumble around until they finally meet up again and find a way to the Falcon.

Option B: Just show them meeting up and seeing the Falcon.

3. The Last Ship: A small squad attacks a Russian warship that’s a long distance away from their own ship and need to be picked up.

Option A: Have the protagonist’s group mount a rescue operation and somehow retrieve the strike team from such a long distance without being blown up or captured by the Russians.

Option B: Cut to the protagonists sailing away from the battlezone with everyone onboard while discussing their next plan of action.

4. Godzilla vs Kong: Kong has to climb from the center of the Earth to the surface to fight Godzilla, a distance of over 12,000 miles, in less than ten minutes.

Option A: Have Kong struggle to reach the surface, taking frequent breaks to try and regain some of his strength from having to climb 1,200 miles a minute, finally reaching the surface so exhausted and so worn out that he has a heart attack and dies.

Option B: Ignore physics and have the giant gorilla get to the surface with no problem and with plenty of strength to fight the radioactive lizard.

In all of these examples, the problems they pose to the story are considerable, and in some cases logically impossible. And yet, they aren’t a problem because it isn’t necessary to see all the steps needed to move a story forward. With a limited runtime or amount of pages, a movie or book has to be choosy about what to focus on and what to show the audience (when was the last time you saw characters stopping to take a bathroom break?).

I think the ultimate takeaway from all this is that a plot hole can sometimes be ignored if it isn’t absolutely required to move the story forward. While writers can and should try to make a story as logical and airtight as possible, we should focus more on telling a good story with engaging characters, keep the momentum moving, and focusing on important details instead of explaining each and every detail. If we do our jobs well, our audiences will either be willing to overlook a problem, or not even notice them at all.

PS: If any readers have a good explanation about how the safe was pulled out of the wreck, please leave a comment and I’ll be happy to update this article with said information.

The Best Background Characters: The Backflipping Goon

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Every story has a cast of characters that we follow and watch and come to love… but what about the background characters? The nameless masses who rarely get our attention? This column examines my favorite background characters who deserve a moment in the spotlight.

***

The Movie:

‘The Matrix Revolutions’

The Character:

A goon with radical backflipping skills.

The Scene:

(The guy in question appears at 2:03)

Why He Deserves A Moment In The Spotlight

You’ve probably heard the saying, ‘Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight.’ Another equal saying should be, ‘Don’t expect aerobatics to save you in a gun fight.’

The goon in this scene distinguishes himself when, after running out of ammo for his pistols, decides that the best course of action is to do backflips across the room. Then he’s shot and dies, complete with a ‘you failed!’ music cue on the soundtrack.

Much like one of Snoke’s guards, this goon stands out because his actions are so nonsenscial. Tactical backflips may look cool, but it’d have been more effective to take cover behind a pillar and survive to keep fighting. But with his sacrifice, Backflip Goon provides a valuable lesson to fighters in fiction: Unless you’re in a comedy where exaggerated actions are used for humorous effect, staying alive in a fight is more important than showing off how acrobatic you are.

For John

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2017 was an exciting year for Terminator fans. Not only was it announced that we would get a new film that would be a direct sequel to ‘Judgement Day,’ but it would feature Arnold Schwarzenegger returning as the T-800, and Linda Hamilton reprising her role as Sarah Connor on-screen for the first time since 1996’s, ‘T2-3D: Battle Across Time’. It was a Terminator fan’s dream come true; yet, as filming began and the first promotional material came out, I realized something.

Where was John Connor?

Like many fans, I was wondering why there were no casting announcements for John. Was he not in the film? Were they trying to keep his role a secret? It wasn’t until July of 2019 that James Cameron announced that Edward Furlong would indeed be returning as John, and I was ecstatic. After almost 30 years, we were finally going to have Arnold, Linda, and Edward on screen together again!

Then the movie came out.

Predictably, fans of the Terminator franchise were outraged at John’s death. We had followed John’s exploits, adventures, and growth in TV shows, books, video games, and comics for almost 30 years, only to see him be senselessly killed off. There was no historic last stand, inspiring final words, or seeing John sacrificing himself to save the human race. Instead, we got to see all the struggles and sacrifices to protect him in T1 and T2 be rendered meaningless. ‘Dark Fate’ was the ultimate slap in the face to John, mocking him and his fans.

But what if it isn’t?

Like most Terminator fans, I was angry at John being killed. I had hoped that we would get to see a grown-up John (played by Mr. Furlong) rising from an ordinary life to take up the mantle as humanity’s savior with his mother and a T-800 one last time. Instead, I left the theater disappointed at what could have been.

Yet, as the months have passed, and I’ve thought about the film, I’ve come to realize that, while John’s death was still a mistake, ‘Dark Fate’ shows that he’s still the most important character in both the film and the series. He’s so important that if he were removed from the movie entirely, the resulting consequences would have led to the extinction of the human race.

Madness? The desperate grasps of a fan trying to make sense of a senseless and tragic event? Perhaps. But we’re told on the C-5 Galaxy in the third act that Dani led humanity to victory over Legion, the malevolent AI (‘we took our world back’). In order for that to take place, two things must happen:

1. Dani has to survive.

2. Dani has to learn how to become a leader.

‘Dark Fate’ spends most of its time fulfilling the first task. Dani initially is protected by augmented super-soldier Grace; yet, while Grace is a powerful warrior, she is unable to stop the REV-9 on her own, and would have been killed with Dani in Mexico without Sarah’s intervention. But even with Sarah, the group still wouldn’t have been able to destroy the REV-9. They need Carl – the T-800 who killed John – to finally defeat the REV-9 for good and ensure Dani’s survival.

Yet, Sarah and Carl wouldn’t have been able to help Dani if it wasn’t for John. If we imagine a future where he had lived, Sarah would not have known of Dani’s existence, and would not have come to her rescue on the bridge in Mexico. Dani and Grace would have been killed, and Legion would have won the second machine war.

Carl, too, would not have been present to protect Dani if John had lived. If, say, Sarah had managed to destroy him, then there would have been no T-800 to take on the REV-9. Carl was the one who ultimately had the necessary strength and endurance to destroy the REV-9, but he never would have done so had he not eventually realized what he had taken from Sarah, and then willingly sacrifice himself in the end.

‘Dark Fate’ ends with Sarah setting out to train Dani in how to become a leader and a warrior. Here, too, John also comes into play. Because of Sarah’s experience hunting terminators before and after John’s death, she is the only person on Earth who can train Dani how to fight and destroy them. Furthermore, Sarah still has all the tactical and leadership training she has from the first two films, which she will presumably pass on to Dani as well. With all three sets of skills given to her, Dani will have all she needs to fight – and ultimately destroy – Legion.

Though the mantra of the Terminator series is, ‘There is no fate but what we make for ourselves,’ it almost seems as if the opposite is true: Humanity is destined to fight malevolent AI at some point. It may be Skynet, it may be Legion, but a war is inevitable. Yet, it also seems that there will always be a figure who will rise up and lead humanity to victory. For years, we’ve believed that John was that leader, but ‘Dark Fate’ shows that there can be multiple leaders. When we step back and look at the broad picture, it seems – hard as it is to accept – that John’s death is necessary in the Terminator universe. John, Sarah, and Uncle Bob succeeded in destroying Skynet, and in the process, John had fulfilled his purpose of saving the human race. But would he have been able to do the same against Legion? While fans – myself included – would have loved to see a middle-aged John fighting and defeating an enemy neither he nor Sarah know anything about, I doubt he would have been able to pull it off.

To use a war analogy, let’s say John is the greatest Allied commander of World War 1. His knowledge and experience in trench warfare, chemical warfare, and the like are without compare, and he leads the Allied forces to victory. He’s hailed as a hero and the savior of the civilized world. But what if he suddenly had to lead the allies again in World War 2? While many principles of warfare would remain the same, John’s skills would be obsolete against opponents who have much better technology, weapons, and tactics than he went up against decades earlier. And while there’s a chance he can still win the war, having a younger person who learned from the lessons of the first, and is more familiar with the latest technology, has a better chance of victory.

If the story of the Terminator franchise is humanity’s ultimate victory against malevolent AI, then John can be seen as the commander who, having stopped the machine’s first offensive, ensures that his successor can see the war through to its completion. He is the spark that sets humanity’s ultimate victory in motion. Without John, neither Sarah or Carl would have saved Dani. Without him, Dani would have died.

Without John, humanity would have perished… But it didn’t happen.

Whatever you may think about the movie, in my opinion, ‘Dark Fate’ proves that even in death, John is still the savior of humanity.

Or, if you prefer, you can pretend that this is how the movie ended.

What We Can Learn From The Jaws Series: A Summary

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The year is 1975: ‘Jaws,’ the greatest shark movie ever made is released, a film with a perfect cast, expertly-crafted scares, an unforgettable soundtrack, and one of the most satisfying villain endings ever filmed. The film ushers in the age of the summer blockbuster, and propels Steven Spielberg into a career as one of the best filmmakers of his day.

Fast-forward to 1987. ‘Jaws the Revenge,’ one of the most reviled shark movies ever made, is released, a film starring Michael Caine as a man named after a sandwich, a shark who’s mechanical innards can frequently be seen as it lurches around the Bahamas seeking revenge on the Brody family, and an ending where a toy shark in a swimming pool explodes after being gently touched by a wooden bowsprit. The film ushers in the end of the Jaws franchise, and becomes a laughingstock among fans of cinema.

What on earth happened?

Lighting, as the old saying goes, never hits the same place twice. Although it only had three sequels, the Jaws series is one of the most infamous examples of a franchise that started out perfectly before ending with a dud. Although there are many lessons to be learned from the series on how not to handle sequels, one lesson stands above the rest:

When a story’s conflict has been resolved, it’s time for the story to end.

Perfect film that it is, ‘Jaws’ is not an epic that can be told as a trilogy in the vein of ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Lord of the Rings.’ It’s a small-scale, self-contained story centered around a single community with a clear beginning, middle, and end. It has a conflict (a shark terrorizing a coastal town) with a definitive ending (said shark is blown to pieces) in which Amity is saved, and the story has come to its logical end with no loose threads or ideas that could be explored in a sequel. ‘Jaws’ does not lend itself to further stories of Martin Brody fighting off shark after shark, year after year, and yet we got three more stories that now serve as poster children for unnecessary sequels.

Now, this is not to say that ‘Jaws 2,’ ‘3,’ and ‘The Revenge’ don’t have their merits. As previous installments in this series have shown, each one has moments, scenes, and ideas that are quite good.

But there’s a theme running through all the Jaws movies that I never noticed until re-watching them: coming to terms with trauma. The first film has Quint’s legendary recollection of surviving the sinking of the USS Indianapolis, ‘2’ has Martin dealing with the PTSD of going face to face with a shark, and ‘Revenge’ has Ellen dealing with losing both a son and her husband to the sharks. Much like Ellen Ripley in ‘Aliens,’ the original film, ‘2,’ and ‘Revenge’ are at their strongest when they focus on Quint, Martin and Ellen dealing with the trauma they’ve endured from the sharks, helping make them so much more memorable than cookie-cutter protagonists who exist to provide cheap thrills via their inevitable, bloody deaths.

But it’s not just trauma that was an unexpected find when re-watching the movies. I was surprised to find that, out of the three sequels, I actually enjoyed ‘Revenge’ the most. Not because it’s a good film (though it is a satisfying guilty pleasure), but because, out of all three sequels, it’s the one that tries the most to do something new while moving the story forward. ‘2’, while the best of the three, is still largely a copy of the first film, and ‘3’ has nothing in common with the rest of the series (aside from Sean, Michael, and a shark), but ‘Revenge’ doesn’t repeat the ‘shark attacks Amity’ plot. Though its new ideas weren’t that great (dooming it before a single shot was filmed), ‘Revenge’ at least tried to do its own thing and escape the shadow of its predecessor, and for that it deserves recognition.

While all four films offer many character moments, story ideas, and themes that are valuable to learn from, I believe that if we were to condense all those lessons down, these are the three most valuable:

1. When a story’s conflict has been resolved, it’s time for the story to end.

2. Having characters struggle to overcome traumatic events makes them more interesting to watch.

3. When writing a sequel to a self-contained story, try to follow the same spirit as the original, but avoid copying the story and conflict.

Valuable lessons, indeed, but ones that came at a high cost: Although it’s been over 30 years since ‘Revenge’ was released, it seems unlikely that we’ll see another Jaws film anytime soon, if ever. And you know what? Maybe that’s for the best (if nothing else, ‘Revenge’s poor showing prevented the series from eventually heading into outer space). If the Jaws series proves only one thing, it’s that if you really want to honor a story you love, leave it be. Let it stand on its own and not taint it with inferior and unnecessary followups. Let other stories in the same genre tell their tale without the burden of having to live up to a masterpiece.

Oh, and avoid having your sharks roar. That’s just silly.