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Why Morbius is the greatest film of all time

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April 1rst, 2022 will be remembered as the day when the human race reached its peak, for that was the day when Morbius was released in cinemas worldwide, earning over a trillion dollars within a week and an astonishing 302% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes from both critics and audiences. North and South Korea ended their decades-long feud as border guards abandoned their posts to go watch Morbius; police officers and criminals put aside their differences to sit side-by-by side in theaters, and families depleted their life savings, their children’s college funds, and sold their houses and cars to buy enough tickets so they could see Morbius thousands of times.

I, too, am one of those who fell under Morbius’ spell: ever since the film was released on home media, I have spent 23 ½ hours a day, every day, analyzing Morbius. Existing sorely on Morbius-themed popcorn and Morbius energy drinks, I have pored over every single frame of Morbius, analyzed every word, the camera angles, the use of color and framing, stopping only to sleep for fifteen minutes and spare a few seconds every now and then on other articles for my site. But all my efforts have paid off, as I have concluded that Morbius is the movie of all time, a movie that will still be watched and celebrated hundreds of years from now. The elderly, on their deathbeds, will ask their loved ones to play Morbius again so that they can depart this life watching the living vampire declare, “It’s Morbin’ time!” and children will frolic and play with actors in Morbius and Milo costumes in Morbinland theme parks.

While I will not live long enough to see that joyous future, my work spreading the word of the morb is not yet completed, for there are six people on Earth who think that Morbius is really a mediocre vampire superhero film. Thankfully, I am here to show them the light and prove that Morbius is the greatest film in history by comparing it to the previous greatest film of all time: Citizen Kane. For decades, snobby film critics and the Hollywood elite have beaten into film students and the common folk that Citizen Kane is the greatest film of all time, a most laughable claim if there ever was one, and a claim that I will now show to be 100% false by comparing the two films in several categories, such as the title, poster, plot, main characters, side characters, antagonists, conflict, cinematography, special effects, music, best scene, ending, and cultural impact. You may think this will be no contest, and you’re right: Morbius is going to win by a landslide.

To begin, let’s do a quick summary of both films:

1. Morbius is a 2022 film directed by acclaimed Swedish filmmaker Jorge Daniel Espinosa that follows the saga of a doctor-turned vampire as he struggles to remain his humanity while battling to save New York City from his best friend who has also turned into a vampire.

2. Citizen Kane is a 1941 film directed by a frozen peas spokesperson that follows the saga of why some old dead guy liked a sled so much.

Let the battle begin!

Title:

A movie’s title can sometimes make or break a picture, for it has to grab perspective viewers and give them an idea of what the film is about. Good examples include, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, The Towering Inferno, and Sharknado. Compared to these evocative titles, both Citizen Kane and Morbius are lackluster: Citizen Kane implies that the story is about some citizen named Kane, and Morbius gives no clue what it’s about. But by being similar to ‘morbid,’ it suggests something dark, yet mysterious, resulting in a curiosity that draws people in to find out what it’s about.

Winner: Morbius

Poster:

Citizen Kane’s poster shows some guy looking down at a woman. There’s no hint about what the movie’s about, and the marketing team had to resort to telling us that the movie’s terrific and everyone loves it! But ask any literary agent and they’ll tell you that a great story doesn’t need anyone to tell you it’s terrific, and doing so is a sign that the creators know their work isn’t actually terrific.

Morbius’ poster doesn’t resort to telling you how terrific it is: it shows instead uses a stylish teal and black color scheme, and the image of a man who’s both a man and a snarling man-beast to instantly grab your attention, informs you that a new Marvel legend has arrived, and uses the color red on the title, hinting that whatever is going to happen, there will be blood. Citizen Kane, by comparison, does not have blood, which is why it fails.

Winner: Morbius

Plot:

Citizen Kane’s story follows some reporter named Jerry as he tries to figure out why a dead guy said ‘Rosebud’ just before he died and what kind of man he was. Jerry eventually gives up, never learning what ‘Rosebud’ means. Man, what a loser.

Morbius’ story follows doctor Michael Morbius, a genius doctor who has dedicated his life to helping mankind. One day, while experimenting on a cure for his rare blood condition, he unknowingly transforms himself into a vampire, granting him extraordinary powers, but at the cost of constantly needing human blood. Worse still, his childhood friend, Milo, has also become a vampire. With time running out before he permanently loses his humanity, Morbius must fight to not only stop Milo, but the darkness within.

Winner: Morbius

Main Character:

Citizen Kane’s protagonist is Charles Foster Kane. He was once a nice little kid before becoming really rich and taking over a newspaper and getting an ego the size of a planet and subsequently ruining all the friendships and relationships he ever had before dying alone and reminiscing about a sled.

Morbius’ protagonist is Michael Morbius. Unlike Kane, he is a good man who strives to help those around him, and even when he is turned into a vampire and given extraordinary powers that would allow him to dominate and destroy everyone around him, he refuses to use those powers and tries to get rid of them while simultaneously trying to save his lifelong best friend from the same condition, and a government determined to hunt him down for a murder he didn’t commit. And throughout it all, Morbius constantly tries to do the right thing, no matter the cost to himself, making him not only a hero for our time, but the hero of all time.

Winner: Morbius

Side characters:

Citizen Kane’s side characters are boring. How many of them have become staples in pop culture? Can you name any of them off the top of your head? No? I thought not. Pfffft.

Morbius’ side characters, however, are a complex and wildly interesting bunch. Among them are:

*Morbius’ research assistant, Martine, who’s willing to work with Morbius even after he’s turned into a vampire, and also sacrifices her life to give Morbius the strength he needs to defeat Milo, only to then be resurrected as a vampire herself.

*FBI agent Simon Stroud, a tough, competent, yet fair man who owes his life to Morbius for the artificial blood Morbius invented, which is what allowed him to survive being wounded in Afghanistan. Yet, tragically, he has to hunt down Morbius, seeking to bring him to justice. But unlike so many other fictional, power-hungry or by-the-book agents, Stroud doesn’t compromise his morals to accomplish his goals.

*Alberto Rodriguez, Stroud’s partner, who appears to be nothing more than your typical, bumbling comic-relief sidekick, having no comprehension of feline behavior or how litterboxes work. Yet, he is surprisingly brave and unfazed at the prospect of facing off with a vampire, and shows no fear when the time comes, proving he’s far braver than most mortal men.


*Dr. Emil Nicholas, who helps sick children and acts as a surrogate father to Morbius and Milo, trying to be kind and understanding to both, but unconsciously favoring Morbius, with tragic results.

*Nicque Marina, who only appears a few times as a reporter for the Daily Bugle, who is clearly infatuated with Morbius (making her an audience surrogate for everyone on Earth), but who is dedicated to telling the truth and doing her job.

*Nurse Kristen Sutton, a kind and well-meaning nurse who’s brutal death at Milo’s hands made me cry harder than when Jack turned into a corpsicle in Titanic.

Every face in Morbius, no matter how briefly they may appear, is so memorable that they put every other supporting cast in every movie ever to shame.

Winner: Morbius

Antagonists:

Citizen Kane has only one antagonist: Kane himself, who, while pursing wealth and power, alienates everyone around him and ensures he’ll die alone, the fool.

Morbius faces not only the government during his cinematic journey, but also Milo, his best friend. Though crippled by a rare blood disease that leaves him weak and barely able to walk, Milo is fabulously rich and has helped fund all of Morbius’ work into curing their condition. Yet, when he takes the cure that turns him into a creature of the night, Milo goes on a blood-drenched rampage through the streets of New York City. But despite his viciousness, Milo still genuinely cares about Morbius and wants him to embrace being a vampire, too, so they can be best buddies forever and eventually take over the earth, complete with awesome castles, capes, and being suave, sexy creatures of the night.

Winner: Morbius

Conflict:

Citizen Kane’s conflict revolves around what ‘Rosebud’ means. Can you imagine anything more boring?

Morbius’ conflict centers around Michael Morbius’ desperate attempts to hold onto his humanity after becoming a vampire, while simultaneously trying to stop Milo’s rampage though New York City. Success will mean having to kill his best friend, and failure will mean losing his humanity and leading to the deaths of countless people.

Winner: Morbius

Cinematography:

In the cinematography department, Citizen Kane is surprisingly good, featuring complex camera moves and excellent cinematography with many memorable shots that have stood the test of time.

Unfortunately for Citizen Kane, Morbius’ cinematography is the gold standard for all films forever: besides being in vibrant color instead of boring black and white, Morbius has lots of pretty shots of New York City, highlighting man’s achievement in taming his environment, allowing him to create grand settlements filled with millions of people living peaceful, happy lives. But these shots subtly reminds us that if Morbius doesn’t stop Milo, all of these people will die, giving each shot a subtle menace and dread.

Plus, the film is a masterpiece of a wide and varied color palette, from the 80’s inspired credits, to the white, green, and orange subway, to the aforementioned colorful cityscapes. Plus, thanks to advanced filmmaking techniques, Morbius has many shots of Morbius flying through the sky, fighting Milo in slow motion, and plunging through a half-built skyscraper, shots that the salesman of frozen peas couldn’t even dream of using. And to cap it all off, there’s this awesome shot of a menacing green hallway at night with a vampire hopping around.

Does Citizen Kane have a spooky, green hallway at night with vampires hopping around? Didn’t think so.

Winner: Morbius

Special effects:

Citizen Kane‘s creepy bird is certainly memorable.

Morbius is filled to the brim with breathtaking computer generated images that allow actors Jared Leto and Matt Smith to do feats that are physically impossible, such as displaying enhanced strength, flying through the air, using echolocation, battling through a half-built skyscraper, and even summoning thousands of bats to aid them in battle. Could Charles Kane summon bats to help him battle his enemies on the campaign trail? I think not.

Winner: Morbius

Music:

Can you hum a single tune from Citizen Kane? Yeah, me neither.

Morbius, however, has a swelling, heart-stirring soundtrack, but nothing can top the auditory masterpiece that is ‘Off The Meds’ by EKSE, with it’s timeless, heart-wrenching lyrics:

‘I poop my answer, yes,’

‘Have sex!’

‘Poop my pants’

‘Poop my tent’

Sorry, Bernard Herrmann, but your noble efforts have been morbed!

Winner: Morbius

Best Scene:

To it’s credit, Citizen Kane does have a few memorable scenes that have endured throughout the years, like him talking before a poster of himself, clapping furiously after humiliating his wife like the bastard he is, him whispering, ‘Rosebud’ before dying, and the revelation that Rosebud is a sled.

Trying to pick the best scene from Morbius however, is more difficult than when Hercules embarked on his 12 labors. While I was tempted to go with the now-legendary scene of him saying, “It’s Morbin’ time!” and morbing all over Satan while on top of an erupting volcano, I ultimately chose what will surely be remembered as the greatest scene in movie history: Milo dancing.

Why is this scene the best scene ever? There are many reasons:

1. It has a shirtless Matt Smith doing pushups.

2. The architecture and look of the room, complete with black and white marble, mustard-colored curtains, and ‘color-inverted zebras being shot at by arrows’ wallpaper.

3. The joy of seeing a crippled man finally gaining a perfect, disease-free body and celebrating being able to move pain-free without the need of a walking stick.

4. The music, with its timeless lyrics, such as, ‘I poop my answer, yes,’ ‘Have sex!’ “Poop my pants,’ and ‘poop my tent.’

5. Milo’s dance choreography, which puts every musical ever to shame. Somewhere in the afterlife, Fred Astaire is weeping at both being able to see such talent, and grief that he was not able to life up to Milo’s standards while he was still alive.

There is no competition: Milo dancing is pure cinematic gold. When I one day depart this mortal coil, I want to watch this scene on repeat, with the last words my dying brain ever hears is ‘poop my tent’

Winner: Morbius

Ending:

Citizen Kane ends with Jerry mulling over everything he’s learned about Kane, coming to the conclusion that he doesn’t have a clue what Rosebud means and gives up, presumably to go home and cry while gulping down ice cream to soothe the pain of his failure as both a reporter and a man. And as he’s no doubt eating his way to type two diabetes, we, the audience, see Kane’s belongings being burned, including his beloved sled, Rosebud. That’s kinda sad, I guess.

Morbius ends so heartwrenchingly that I can barely type this without tears staining my keyboard: Despite all his efforts, Morbius is forced kill his greatest friend and end his rampage of destruction before flying off with his bat friends to an unknown future, leaving us to wonder if he has held onto his humanity or given in to his inner vampire… but the mid-credits teaser sequence, in which Morbius teams up with the Vulture – Spider-Man’s greatest, most famous, and most dangerous foe – reveals that he has indeed fallen to the inescapable grasp of evil, and that the noble doctor is no more.

Such power. Such gravitas. Not even Shakespeare himself could craft such a heart-wrenching tragedy.

Winner: Morbius

Cultural impact:

Citizen Kane’s lasting impact on pop culture is to allow professors at film schools to feel special by telling their students over and over that Citizen Kane is the best film in human history. Too bad they won’t be able to do that anymore!

Morbius’ impact on pop culture is difficult to determine, only because it’s been a year since it came out, but all reliable sources say that no other film or franchise will ever have as great an impact on human culture. The output of Morbius merchandise, fan art, fan videos, clothing, theme parks, happy meals, shampoo, and Halloween candy has surpassed Star Wars, Jurassic World, LEGO, and every franchise ever, and will doubtless continue to grow in popularity for centuries to come.

Winner: Morbius

Conclusion:

When we compare the winners in each category, it becomes clear that this is no contest: Morbius clobbers (or should I say, morbs) Citizen Kane in every aspect. Kane, once the pinnacle of cinema, is no longer the king, or even a pretender to the throne. Morbius has come and morbed all over Kane, and is now the king of the mountain, the zenith of humanity’s creative endeavors, and the greatest film of all time, bar none. This movie is what God created us for; our time to ascend to the stars and take our place alongside our peers throughout the cosmos has come, for we have proven that we are worthy of joining them with the cinematic tale of a doctor-turned vampire, leaving Citizen Kane to fade into dust, as it rightfully should.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pop some more Morbius popcorn and watch the movie for the 9,528th time. Because it’s just that good.

What We Can Learn From The Star Wars Holiday Special (For Real This Time)

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Last year, I gathered all my courage, mourned not being able to watch The Incredible Hulk, and finally sat down to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special, which is commonly called one of the worst moments in television history and one of the biggest missteps in the Star Wars franchise, sentiments that are completely and utterly 100% true. And while I played up this awfulness for comedic value, I figured it was time to actually write out what works well and what doesn’t in the special because, despite what pop culture might tell you, I was surprised to find that the special is… not that awful.

Now, don’t get me wrong; the special is not some misunderstood masterpiece that has aged like fine wine. It is a bad show with seemingly endless padding, almost ten minutes of non-stop Wookie gargling without subtitles, stirring and whipping, and the… inconsistent acting. And that’s before Leia breaks out into song. But as hard as it may be to believe, there’s also some good things, too: the lighthearted, feel-good music, seeing Luke, Leia, Han, and all the other classic characters doing their stuff, the 70’s style that saturates the whole thing, and some downright hilarious Youtube comments.

Now, lest you feel the temptation to actually sit down and watch the special (an endeavor I don’t recommend unless you’ve consumed copious amounts of alcohol) sit back and let me present to you the hard-won writing lessons I got from watching this piece of 70’s kitsch.

What does the story do well?

The core concept isn’t bad

Regardless of its execution, the story of the Holiday Special itself isn’t bad: During a period of galactic civil war, Chewbacca tries to get back to his family on Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, the most important holiday in Wookie culture. But it won’t be easy: the Galactic Empire is in hot pursuit of Chewie, and maintains a presence on Kashyyyk harassing the locals. Not only will Chewie and Han have to escape the Empire, but Chewie’s family will also have to outsmart and outwit the local Imperials before Chewie arrives so they can all safely celebrate. That’s not a bad story at all, which leads the Special to stand as proof that even the best story ideas can fail due to other circumstances.

It has a good introduction to Boba Fett

While fans generally agree that the Holiday Special is awful, there is also agreement that the best part is a short cartoon that features the first appearance of Boba Fett, one of Star Wars’ most famous side-characters. And they’re right! It’s a short, self-contained story that takes full advantage of it’s animated medium to create interesting and unique visuals that would be expensive to do in live-action, as well as give Boba a moral ambiguity that left first-time viewers wondering if he truly was an ally or someone nefarious, all aided by an excellent voice performance by Don Francks. Plus, hearing Darth Vader in any cartoon is always an excellent thing.

It shows what life is like for ordinary people in a sci-fi universe

If there’s only one thing the Holiday Special does well, it’s to show what life is like for ordinary, everyday people in the Star Wars galaxy, the folks who aren’t involved in the war, who aren’t firing blasters at Stormtroopers, and who just want to get through their day. We get to see cooking shows, what a Wookie home is like, the toys a child has in this galaxy, and what common people do to relax and have fun.

While showing ordinary life in a fantasy world sounds boring (don’t we indulge in fantasy to escape from everyday life?), it actually adds a lot of depth to that universe. Films and books typically devote little to no time showing what everyday life is like for people in fantasy worlds because of needing to focus on whatever is threatening that world. Devoting an hour and half to showing people buying and preparing food, playing, relaxing in bars, and celebrating holidays doesn’t bring in the big bucks at the cinema, after all, which makes these kind of stories rare, and even rarer in one of the biggest film franchises in history.

What could have been done to improve the story?

Everything

Okay, that’s too easy.

It could have cut out the Wookie porn

Unless it is a vital part of the story, we don’t need to watch an elderly Wookie getting sexually stimulated by softcore virtual pornography.

It could have cut out all the padding

On retrospect, I think one reason the Holiday Special earned such a disastrous reputation is that so much of it feels like padding. Part of this is due to the variety show format, but while parts of it are… tolerable… most are not, such as Malla stirring and whipping, and almost four minutes of assembling a transmitter. If these segments were removed and the story revised to focus on the holiday aspect, it would have been a stronger, more enjoyable tale.

It could have made the story more ‘holiday-ey’

While the slice-of-life format of the Holiday Special is a welcome change from the constant, non-stop war seen in all the Star Wars films, the holiday aspect feels almost non-existant. While it wouldn’t make sense for the Star Wars universe to just copy Christmas traditions verbatim, it would have been nice to see more holiday traditions throughout the special, such as festive decorations, gift-giving, etc. Even having Itchy, Lumpy, and Malla try to spread holiday cheer to the Imperials who come to their house would have helped embody the spirit of a winter holiday. As it is, the special’s only holiday aspect comes at the very end; while this works as the climax to the story, it would have been better to have more moments of festivity throughout.

Conclusion

While it deserves much of the negative reception it’s received, the Star Wars Holiday Special is, like every story, a product of its time. Where the rest of the Star Wars saga is a timeless story, the Holiday Special is a weird time capsule of the late 70’s, for better or worse, a time where where variety shows were viable entertainment, but starting their slide into obsolescence, and the Star Wars franchise was still trying to find its footing. And while there is a lot to dislike here, there’s still some good stuff, too. In a way, the Special is like our own holiday season: If we honestly search for things to be thankful for in a world filled with pain, suffering, and misery, we can find them.

Happy Winter Holidays, everyone.

Favorite Moments: Titanic, But With Kazoos

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The Video

Why it’s great

Nothing story related today; we could all use a laugh, and kazoos make everything better; they can take the most emotional, most stirring, and most heart-wrenching songs and instantly turn them into comedic gold, and God only knows we need more kazoos in a time of rising authoritarianism, a worldwide pandemic, and mother nature conspiring to murder us all.

With that said, here’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ but with kazoos. I hope it’s played at my funeral.

Perfect Moments: There Are More Of Us

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Once in a while, you come across a moment in a story that is so perfect that it stays in with you for years, or even a lifetime. These are moments that, in my opinion, are flawless; perfect gems of storytelling that cannot be improved in any way, and are a joy to treasure and revisit again and again.

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The Movie:

‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’

The Moment:

Why it’s Perfect:

Like many people, I didn’t like the Star Wars sequels. While I’m still a fan of the series, I can’t see myself watching episodes seven, eight, and nine in the years to come, save to review them as part of a series-wide, ‘what we can learn from’ marathon. Yet, despite their many, many problems, they do have their fair share of great moments, and possibly the best one of all takes place in Episode 9, ‘The Rise of Skywalker’

In the scene, the Resistance, having launched a desperate attack against the Final Order, are on the verge of defeat. Their ships are being blown up, they’re outnumbered by almost 1,000 to 1, and are on their last legs… and then Lando Calrissian arrives with the biggest fleet in Star Wars history, and the fight finally turns against the Final Order.

What’s so perfect about this scene isn’t that it’s one of the most spectacular shots in the Star Wars saga, but what it represents: throughout the entire series, the regular people of the Star Wars galaxy have relied on the Republic, the Rebellion, and the New Republic to fight their battles for them against the Seperatists, the Empire, and then the Imperial remnant. For decades, the galaxy has suffered from war after war, conflict after conflict, and all of it orchestrated by one man: Emperor Palpatine. And now, despite every desperate attempt to stop him, he’s on the verge of ultimate victory.

But not if the good people of the galaxy have anything to say about it.

For the first time in the Star Wars series, the regular people of the galaxy, the beings who just want to live their lives in peace, put all their differences aside and unite to fight Palpatine directly. They aren’t relying on the government to save them. They aren’t relying on a rebellion to do their fighting for them… They’re going to do it themselves.

And so, faced with the destruction of everything they know and love, the free people of the galaxy, defying all attempts to stop them, to intimidate them, and frighten them into submission, rise up against Palpatine and his egomania, his threats of terror, his lies, his delusions of godhood, and declare with one voice that they have had enough. And against the backdrop of the most triumphant rendition of the Star Wars theme ever recorded, they go to war. And while the battle has not yet been decided, there’s no doubt that the people aren’t going to let everything they hold dear go down without a fight.

Favorite Moments: It’s a No, Guys.

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

***

The Video

Why it’s great

The best comedy and parody sketches for films, tv shows, music, books, and video games can enhance our viewing of those things when we’re watching, reading, or playing them again, adding a little extra depth to the fictional world we’re visiting. Remember that cantina song from “A New Hope’? You know, the one played by Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes? Now, thanks to this sketch, every time I rewatch the movie, I’ll chuckle at how they turned a rejected song for fish sticks into one of the most famous bar music pieces ever composed.

I know Kung-Fu: A look at the duels in the Matrix Saga – Part 5

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Last week, we took a look at the two duels featured in ‘The Animatrix,’ and today we’ll look at the only two duels in the final film of the Matrix franchise, ‘The Matrix Revolutions.” But as the old saying goes, quality is better than quantity, and in my opinion, these two duels are among the best in the series.

Neo vs Smith in Real Life

Emotional Context: Neo fights to keep Smith from killing both him and Trinity before they can reach the Machine City and end the war between man and machine.

Analysis: After the spectacle of tightly-choreographed duels in ‘Reloaded’, ‘Enter’ and ‘The Animatrix,’ the first duel in ‘Revolutions’ is surprisingly brutal: Neo or Smith, unable to use their otherwordly abiliites, try to kill each other with whatever they can get their hands on, whether it be their fists, the walls, or power cables. This brutality leads to Smith’s face being coated in blood, poor Neo having his eyes burned out, and ending with Smith’s head being bashed into bloody chunks.

What sets this duel apart from any other in the series is its brutality and horror atmosphere: Neo and Trinity are trapped inside a tiny hovercraft in the abandoned sewer tunnels of humanity’s old cities, miles from help. They’re initially outmatched and outsmarted by Smith, and if they fail to stop him, both humanity and the machines are doomed. And when the fighting begins, there’s no fancy martial arts and no elegant, dance-like fight choreography: Neo can’t fly, stop bullets, effortlessly jump around, or tirelessly fight off hundreds of opponents. Smith can’t dodge bullets, punch through concrete, or otherwise use any of the powers he normally has. Both are evenly matched,  and fancy moves are thrown aside in favor of banging faces against walls, throwing punches as hard as possible, and trying to choke Smith to death, followed by Neo getting an eyeful (haha) of exposed power cables. It’s a visceral example of how brutal fights can be more memorable than fancy ones.

Yet, for how dark and grim this duel is, it smartly lightens the mood by having Neo – having sacrificed his eyes – gain the ability to see the energy put out by machines, allowing him to kill Smith… and even crack a joke to Trinity about how she’ll need to drive, ending an otherwise deadly serious fight with some much-welcomed levity.

The Super Burly Brawl

Emotional Context: Neo faces Smith one final time to stop him from destroying both humanity and the machines.

Analysis: And so, after four years, we finally come to the final confrontation of the Matrix series, the final showdown between Neo and Smith that would decide the fate of Earth and everyone – mechanical or organic – who lived upon it. And like any climax, ‘Revolutions’ holds nothing back in giving us a spectacle worthy for the ages, featuring:

*A fight that will decide whether good or evil will prevail

*A battle at night in the rain

*A fight that spans multiple locations

*Superpowers

*Gigantic sonic booms.

In terms of sheer spectacle, the Super Burly Brawl has no equal in the Matrix saga, both in fighting, and emotional weight: Neo’s fighting to stop Smith from destroying everyone and everything. If he fails, then not only will every single human on earth die, but so will every single machine. That gives every moment where he falters or stumbles dramatic weight, because the consequences of failure are so high. Yet, even as the fight gives us awesome, god-like beings fighting (to one of the most incredible fight scores I’ve ever heard), it does something so many of these series-ending fights rarely do: it has the good guy fail. In what may be the biggest twists in the series, Neo loses the climactic fight. All of his powers, all of his skills, all of the gifts he’s been given as The One aren’t enough to save him.

When I first saw ‘Revolutions,’ I loved seeing Smith and Neo beating the tar of out of each other. But when Neo fell from the sky, and was subsequently beaten into the mud, I was shocked. That wasn’t supposed to happen! Neo’s the good guy, the savior of humanity! He couldn’t lose! I was gripped, trying to figure out on how on earth Neo could still win; after all, lots of protagonists get beaten to a pulp, yet still manage to achieve victory at the last second. But not here. Neo’s beaten so badly that he can barely stand, and then lets himself be absorbed and killed. I was stunned… and then (like so many other fans) spent the next few weeks trying to figure out what happened when all those Smiths exploded.

What makes the final battle of the Matrix saga so good is that it delivers not only spectacle, and emotional weight, but also subverts expectations by having Neo lose, gripping audiences as they try to figure how how he can turn things around in his favor. Then it subverts them even further by having Neo sacrifice himself to let the machines delete Smith through him, showing that a protagonist can lose a battle, but win a war in the process. There’s more than one way to victory, and it isn’t always the path of beating an opponent to a bloody pulp.

And so, with Neo’s sacrifice, we’ve finally finished looking at all the duels in the Matrix saga… Well, almost. Come back next week, where we’ll take a look at one last duel in the series, which may be the most satisfying… and one of the most unique.

What we can learn from ‘Limbo with Lyrics’

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NOTE: The music video for this song features a child drawn in a stylistic manner repeatedly dying violent deaths.

When it came out in 2010, ‘Limbo’ quickly became one of the most famous independent video games ever created, quickly putting developer Playdead on the map. With it’s beautifully dark art style, bleak aesthetics, brutal violence, and haunting soundtrack, ‘Limbo’ is a masterpiece of grim video games… so, naturally, parodies starting coming our way, including this rather amusing song.

There’s only one lesson to learn from this video, but it’s a good one:

Be cautious when doing making light of real-life horrors

If you haven’t played ‘Limbo’, here are two videos to show you what kind of game it is:

When I initially started this article, I was going to write about how the use of an upbeat tune and comedic sound effects makes for comedy gold when contrasted with very dark media (which it does very well). After all, such a mix has worked before:

However, I then realized that while that combination of lighthearted fun and horrific suffering is funny for fictional stories, it doesn’t work as well when used in real life: A fun Reggie song about concentration camps in Nazi Germany would be rather… tasteless. So would a happy jazz tune about atrocities committed by ISIS to innocent people. It’s easy and fun to parody Jason Vorhees, Darth Vader, and the Alien and Predator, but when it comes to poking fun at torture, genocide, or the mutilation and murder of ordinary people, we walk a very dangerous line between making a point and being tasteless.

Now, nothing is off limits when it comes to comedy. Writers should be free to do dark comedy if they wish, on whatever subject they wish. But discretion is important: Doing a parody song about how millions can’t pay their bills, afford insulin, or even a place to live can be funny because it critiques society and makes a point. Doing a Reggie song about children having limbs hacked off because their parents couldn’t make daily quotas on a rubber plantation probably won’t have the same effect.

When audiences watch or read comedy, they want to laugh and get away from the horrors of the world, if only for a few minutes or even a few seconds. As writers, we have to be careful how we use horror to make them laugh. If we use the horrors of a fictional world, we have more leeway because those horrors don’t really exist. But if we use the evil that surrounds us in everyday life, we must be careful of the point we’re trying to make… unless we’re talking about people who push shopping carts in grocery stores at half a mile an hour and block isles so that no one can get past them. They’re fair game.

Favorite Moments: Enya’s Space Jam

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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Today’s post doesn’t cover a favorite literary, film, or videogame moment, but a musical one: After I discovered the magical world of Space Jam remixes, I’ve been on a quest to find the best, most catchy, most implausable mashups I can. I’ve found many, but this one, which combines outer space basketball with my favorite musician, has quickly become a favorite. Enjoy!

Favorite Moments: ‘My Slam Will Jam On’

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The video

Why It’s Great

The 90’s were a magical time for cinema. From that era, we got such classics as ‘Terminator 2: Judgement Day,’ ‘Jurassic Park,’ ‘The Matrix,’ ‘Toy Story,’ and the juggernaut that was ‘Titanic’… and then we got ‘Space Jam’, which features Michael Jordon teaming up with the Loony Tunes to save them from being kidnapped by aliens by playing basketball.

Uhh… Yeah.

However, from this unlikely tale came a title song that has gone on to become a low-key, but steady internet legend, a song that can be mixed with anything. I myself only recently became aware of its existence, through one of the most unexpected mashups I’ve ever heard. It shouldn’t work; there’s no logical way a song about outer space basketball and doomed teenage romance on a sinking ship should work… but, incredibly, it does. I have no idea why, but… gosh dangit, this is one catchy song, and it is my sacred duty to expose it to as many people as possible so they, too, can weep at its glory.