Horror

The Terminator Machete Timeline

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There comes a time where every parent must make vital choices regarding their children: how shall they be disciplined? What do I feed them? How do I balance work and spending time with them? And, most important of all: What order do they watch the Star Wars movies in on their first viewing?

Back in 2011, the internet went abuzz with the introduction of the Star Wars Machete order, an attempt to create a way for first-time viewers to watch the series in a particular order that would preserve the franchise’s biggest surprise (that Darth Vader is Luke’s Father), while still allowing the prequels to play a part. In short, you start with ‘A New Hope,’ then go to ‘Empire Strikes Back,’ and then go to ‘Attack of the Clones,’ and ‘Revenge of the Sith’ to see Anakin’s fall (while omitting ‘The Phantom Menace’, if you choose), and then finishing with ‘Return of the Jedi.’

Recently, I wondered if this idea of out-of-order-viewing could be applied to the Terminator series as well. With James Cameron revealing in an interview with Empire magazine last year that future Terminator movies will move away from Sarah Connor, John Connor, and the T-800, this means that story Terminator films have been telling for over 40 years – the quest to protect John Conner so he can defeat Skynet – has come to an end.

There’s just one problem: That story never got a conclusion.

‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’ was meant to wrap the Terminator saga up with an open – but hopeful – ending. But since it made more money than the total GDP of several developing nations, we got four more movies that kept postponing Judgment Day and ending with the promise of more sequels. But the law of diminishing returns eventually took hold, and after the box office failure of ‘Dark Fate,’ we never got the movie that chronicled the destruction of Skynet and the ultimate triumph of humanity… until now.

After reading about Star Wars’ machete order, I’ve been wondering if such a tactic could be applied to the Terminator films, and began to ponder, brainstorm, and try to come up with a way that can re-tell the John Connor saga in a way that is logical, keeps as many of the films in as possible, and, most importantly, end the story for good without needing any more sequels or follow-ups. And to that end, I have created what I’ve dubbed, The Terminator Machete Timeline.

To begin, here’s the films included in this timeline, and the order in which we watch them:

1. The Terminator

2. Terminator: Dark Fate

3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

4. Terminator: Salvation

5. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (extended cut)

While this may look confusing and nonsensical at first glance, I’ve come up with a backstory that connects these five films via the magic of time-travel in a way that, I believe, creates a new narrative that has a definitive beginning, middle, and, most importantly, a conclusive ending.

The Machete timeline begins with the one that started it all: ‘The Terminator.’

But when it ends with Sarah driving towards the mountains and the coming war, we then proceed not to ‘Judgment Day,’ but to ‘Dark Fate.’

In this dark future, John is killed, an aged Sarah learns about Legion, a new machine hellbent on destroying humanity, and Dani begins her journey to becoming the leader of the resistance and the savior of the human race.

But in the Machete timeline, this is where things change.

At the beginning of ‘Dark Fate,’ John is shocked to see the T-800. That’s understandable, considering he saw Uncle Bob melt himself into slag to stop Skynet from being created. But in the Machete timeline, Skynet sent back not only a T-1000 to kill a young John in 1995, but also a T-800 to act as a partner and as backup to his robot brethren. Thus, Sarah and John had to stop Cyberdyne while also trying to stop two Terminators working together trying to kill John. Against all odds, Sarah succeed (how she pulled it off will remain a riddle for the ages). Thus, when John is stunned at seeing the T-800, it’s not because he’s seeing his robot buddy again, but because he realizes that his old enemy has finally tracked him down, and this time, Sarah can’t save him.

At the end of the movie, Sarah and Dani drive off to prepare for the inevitable war against Legion. But as they drive, Sarah has an epiphany: she realizes that time travel will inevitably be created and put to use in the war against Legion… why not hijack that technology and use it to save John? But Sarah isn’t dumb: while she’ll do anything to save her son, she also knows that, no matter how many times an intelligent AI defense system is destroyed, another will inevitably take its place, meaning that a human-machine war is inevitable.

But what if it isn’t?

While training Dani on how to be both a warrior and a leader, Sarah tries to figure out how the inevitable war between humans and machines can be stopped, and eventually realizes that if humanity can move past the tribal instinct to have bigger, better weapons than your adversaries, then there will be no need for an AI military system, and Skynet will never be created.

Perhaps, Sarah realizes, John can be humanity’s savior without being a military commander. Maybe he can work to inspire humanity to use AI for benevolent purposes instead of as a weapon of war.

With her idea in motion, Sarah tells Dani her plan: When Legion develops time travel, Sarah will go back in time to save her son as a child and teach him to be a leader, not a warrior. If she succeeds, then Skynet will never be created, Legion won’t take its place, and the endless cycle of war between machines and humans will end. Dani – not wanting to lose her family or Grace – agrees to the plan. And so Sarah finishes Dani’s training, stockpiles supplies for Legion’s attack, and goes to hide in a bunker (presumably playing Angry Birds to pass the time).

When the war finally begins, Dani plays her role, becomes the leader of the Resistance, gets wounded, and Grace is augmented and goes back in time. Shortly afterwords, Sarah emerges and becomes augmented herself to ensure that her aging body will last long enough to complete her mission. Thus, with Dani and the rest of the Resistance watching, Sarah travels back in time to save her son… but because time travel is not a perfect science, the time machine malfunctions, and Sarah finds herself not in 1995, but in the year 2005, arriving just before the events of ‘Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines’ play out.

Having landed in a remote part of the world (say, somewhere in Asia), Sarah has no chance of reaching John in time to help him. She is, however, able to use her cybernetic implants to learn that Skynet is taking over the world’s computer systems and manages to evacuate to the wilds, where she survives Judgment Day. Once the dust clears, and the nuclear winter begins, Sarah starts out towards Los Angeles, knowing that John will establish his headquarters there. But with most of humanity’s jets, planes, and vehicles now either destroyed or running out fuel, Sarah’s journey takes several years; as she nears its end, the events of ‘Terminator: Salvation’ take place.

After John is evacuated from his assault on Skynet’s San Francisco headquarters, given a new heart, and prepares to head back into battle, Sarah finally catches up with her now-adult son and is reunited with him. Though shocked to see his now-augmented and elderly mother, an overjoyed John listens as Sarah recounts the events of ‘Dark Fate’ and explains that she’s trying to get back to 1995, and how she has to get a T-800, reprogram it, and send it back to be John’s protector instead of his killer: a young John will then realize that machines can learn to live peacefully with humans, and hopefully work to create a future where such a thing is only possible, but happening.

John and the Resistance agree to this plan. They manage to capture the T-850 that was going to kill John in 2032 (who’s organic covering has not aged to the point that it was in ‘Rise of the Machines’), and Sarah reprograms it with her implants. Skynet is defeated in a final battle and sends the T-1000 back, but the Resistance stops it from sending the original T-800 back, and instead send back the reprogrammed T-850, and the events of ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’ play out.

But before we reach the end of this timeline, we’re going to make one more change: instead of watching the theatrical cut, we instead watch the extended edition of the film, which ends with an alternate 2029 where Skynet was never built, Judgment Day never happened, John works to make benevolent AI the norm, and humanity’s future has never looked brighter.

Sarah’s time-traveling quest to save humanity has succeed, John has worked tirelessly to help machines and humanity live together in peace, and the original Sarah – un-augmented and now in her 60’s – can live her life in peace, with the only thing she has to fear in this future being hideous 2029 fashion.

***

And there you have it: The Terminator Machete Timeline. While ‘Terminator: Genysis,’ was not included in this timeline due to having little overall impact on the series as a whole, this timeline preserves all the other films and allows them to be part of one continuity, but it also does two things not present in the original series:

1. Sarah takes a far more active role in saving humanity, and succeeds in her quest, becoming even more heroic than she was in the original series. (albeit, off-screen)

2. By going with ‘Judgment Day’s alternate ending, this viewing order – combined with the backstory that connects the films – creates a story where Skynet is defeated not by force or by acts if violence, but by John fulfilling his role of humanity’s savior by being a leader in peacetime instead of a wartime commander, inspiring humanity to finally put aside the endless arms race that humanity has had for all of its existence, which means there’s no reason for Skynet to be created in the first place.

There’s also one more thing this continuity does: it gives Terminator fans an ending that truly finishes John’s story, ties up all the loose ends, and gives everyone – including those who were spared by Judgment day never happening – a happy ending.

As is often said in the films, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves: maybe part of that is not relying on a studio deciding to do the right thing and finish a story that should have ended long ago, but to take it upon ourselves to give that story the ending it deserves.

Or you could just stick with T1 and T2. That works too, I guess.

11 Great Things About David Gordon Green’s ‘Halloween’ trilogy

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Note: This post spoils the stories of the 2018 film Halloween and its two sequels: Halloween Kills and Halloween Ends. It also contains videos depicting fictional gore and violence that is not safe for work. It also contains a clip of a fictional character killing themselves.

It’s spooky season once more, and you know what that means: horror movies, slasher villains, and buckets of blood and gore. We’ve gotten a lot of horror franchises over the years, but only the classics endure, and the granddaddy of them is the Halloween franchise. While quite tame by today’s standards, the original was groundbreaking when it was release back in 1978, introducing the seemingly unkillable Michael Myers to silver screens everywhere, and beginning one of horror’s longest-running franchises.

Two years ago, David Gordon Green’s sequel trilogy – which acted as a direct followup to the original 1978 film – came to an end with Halloween Ends. Although the trilogy has gotten a mixed reception from fans, I think that, despite some narrative inconsistances, there’s a lot to like about the films. Here are eleven of my favorites:

11. Michael Meyers, Child Killer

While horror films can get away with a lot that other genres can’t, killing children is one of the things normally frowned upon. But Halloween, Kills, and Ends has no problem with Michael killing children.

While Michael was never even remotely a good guy, having him kill children in painful ways (I don’t even want to know what happened to the poor kid who wore that blood-drenched skull mask) shows viewers that he’s one killer who doesn’t mess around and is willing to kill anyone he comes across. Yet, even then he spares an infant in the first film, and we never find out why, further cementing that he’s a force of evil that doesn’t bother to explain itself to his victims.

10. Laurie and Michael’s Reunion

Throughout the first film of the sequel trilogy, we get to see how Laurie prepared herself for an inevitable rematch with Michael, and what follows isn’t so much a fight, but a one-man siege:

What I like about this even though Laurie has been preparing for this fight for years, she still can’t kill Michael with guns or brute force, and has to resort to trickery and help from her daughter and granddaughter, and even then it’s still not enough to kill Michael (who, at this point, is 61 years old).

One little thing that makes this scene even better is the moment when Laurie calls out for Ray: you can almost hear Michael thinking, “Wait a minute… I know that voice.” And then, turning his head, he sees Laurie through the door, recognizes the girl who got away so long ago, and decides to finish what he started back in ‘78.

9. Old Man Michael

One of my favorite things about the Halloween sequel trilogy is that the films acknowledge Michael’s age. Instead of trying to make him an eternally youthful man, Michael has aged to the point where he could collect social security checks and get senior discounts at the grocery store. By acknowledging that the bogeyman is getting old, it makes Michael’s kills all the more unique because we rarely get to see a senior-citizen slasher villain in stories, much less one who has three movies to play around in.

8. The Innocent Inmate’s Suicide

Though the trilogy is focused on horror and kills, it’s most emotional moment is when one of Michael’s fellow inmates from the asylum realizes that an enraged mob – who believes that he’s Michael – is going to tear him limb-from-limb. They can’t be stopped, they can’t be reasoned with, and the man – who is harmless and terrified – decides that the only thing he can do is jump to his death rather than face an even worse death at their hands.

Afterwords, the shock from all those present drives home how they’ve realized that their fear, paranoia, and desire to kill Michael have turned them into monsters on par with Michael himself.

7. Michael vs the Mob

The climax of ‘Kills’ sees Michael’s bloodiest, goriest, and highest body count in any of his films when he’s attacked by dozens of Haddonfield’s citizens.

He’s shot, clubbed, hit, beaten to the ground and seemingly defeated; it’d be a perfect ending to the series to have ordinary people unite and take Michael down for good… and then he lashes out, gets right back up, and kills everyone in the crowd.

Though the trilogy flip-flops on if Michael is supernatural or just a man, this scene proves that while Michael may look human, he is anything but.

6. Michael’s Evil Infecting Haddonfield

Though Michael is and always will be the face of the Halloween franchise, an idea that’s been brought up again and again is that evil always changes shape, and that killing Michael will mean that someone will eventually take his place. However, there’s another aspect of this that is subtly implied throughout the trilogy: that the evil within Michael corrupts everyone around it. When Michael returns to Haddonfield, the people there start to become paranoid and act violently to try and stop him, only succeeding in killing innocents and themselves, until Corey is seduced and corrupted in Ends, almost becoming Michael’s successor.

Michael may be a remorseless killer, but he is also a tumor that infects, corrupts, and destroys everyone around him. He’s a prime example of how evil can create a cycle of fear, death, and revenge that is almost impossible to stop.

5. Michael’s Supernatural Abilities

There’s been many theories on why Michael is so durable and hard to kill, and while Ends says that he’s just a man, I don’t think that’s true: Michael takes damage throughout the trilogy that would kill a man half his age and demonstrates endurance, durability, and strength beyond anything any normal person could endure: name any other man in his 60’s who can beat someone to death with their fists, he can crush a man’s head into pulp by smashing it with his boot, take a firehose of water to the chest without flinching, and hit someone with a baseball bat so hard that the bat itself is broken into two.

I’m of the theory that while Michael himself is human, the evil he contains makes him so much stronger and durable than any man could ever be, and while that power fades with age, it’s still always there, always driving him on, always giving him what he needs to continue his killing spree.

4. Michael vs the Firefighters

Michael gets into a lot of fights throughout the trilogy, but in terms of sheer ‘cool’ factor, this is my favorite:

Not only does this fight have a fantastic setting (taking place in front of a burning house), it demonstrates just how inhumanly strong Michael as as he takes down nine firemen who are armed with axes, firehoses, and even saws. But this fight is also a moment of awesome for the firefighters themselves: the moment they see Michael step outside, they instantly know who he is, but they don’t panic, run, or call for backup: instead, they stand their ground and fight. And while they all die, at least they go down fighting.

Fun fact: The house burning down during the scene? That was done for real, which meant that the filmmakers had about an hour to finish filming before the house collapsed. Thankfully, they did!

3. The Final Confrontation Between Laurie and Michael

The first sequel had a fight to the death between Laurie and Michael, but in my opinion, the final battle between the two in Ends is so much more gripping: Michael – now worn down from years of untreated injuries – comes to Laurie’s house and realizes she’s nearby. Laurie – who has given up on being a highly-trained survivalist – has no time to prepare as Michael comes for her, ending in a final, no-holds-barred beatdown between the two.

While the fight isn’t flashy or filled with fancy choreography, I love its atmosphere: this fight really feels like a final confrontation over 40 years in the making, both in-universe and out. Predator and Prey – both of whom are past their physical prime – fight to the death with nothing to lose and throw everything they have at each other, all backed with a near-apocalyptic soundtrack that makes things so much more intense. This is the last time Laurie and Michael will ever fight, and they give it their all. Many a fan has decried how Michael should have been able to kill her easily, but having Michael be old, worn out, and worn down from all the injuries he’s accumulated makes things more evenly matched between the two, and makes Laurie’s final victory all the more satisfying.

2. Michael is Killed For Good

There’s a saying in the world of comics: no one ever stays dead (except Uncle Ben), and the same can be said for slasher franchises: no matter how many times a villain is supposedly killed off for real, box office profits ensure he or she will always come back, no matter how convoluted the explanation may be. But while Michael will return for the inevitable reboot of the Halloween franchise, this timeline ends him in the most concrete way possible: by throwing his body into an industrial shredder and tearing him into bloody pulp.

There’s no way, NONE, that Michael can come back from this, and there’s one aspect of this scene that makes it so satisfying beyond seeing an evil man finally getting his just deserts: Throughout the series, Michael always comes back from every injury he takes. Whether it’s immediately, in a minute, a few hours, or even years, he always comes back, and I believe that Michael did not actually die in the fight with Laurie. Instead, he was so weakened from the loss of blood and his accumulated injuries that he couldn’t move, and while the evil possessing him was working to try and heal his body, the process couldn’t be completed when he was thrown into the shredder. Thus, Michael Myers truly died when the shredder tore him apart, and he felt all the pain that came with it: a far more just and deserved ending after all the lives Michael took, the fear he spread, and the suffering he inflicted on so many.

1. A Hopeful Ending

One reason I generally avoid horror films and franchises is the constant trope of downer endings where evil wins and nothing good comes from all the sacrifices, struggles, and suffering of the protagonists. Thankfully, Ends avoids this with a bittersweet, but hopeful ending:

After so many decades, Laurie finally kills Michael and frees both herself and Haddonfield from his reign of terror. While she cannot get back all the years and loved ones she’s lost, Laurie can now heal and create a new life for herself, complete with a new relationship with officer Hawkins. And best of all, in the final shots of the film, there’s no sound of Michael breathing. His mask remains, but the man – and the evil he carried – is truly gone, and it’s a great way to end the original Halloween timeline.

Favorite Moments: The End of ‘Dracula 3000’

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The Movie:

The scene, and why it’s great

One constant source of unintentional comedy in film is movies that are rushing to get to the end credits as quickly as possible. While great stories take the right amount of time – whether it’s a few minutes or a dozen – to wrap things up, say goodbye, and give characters closure, other stories say, ‘nah, screw that’ and just wrap things up in a few seconds. One of my favorite examples of this comes from ‘Dracula 3000,’ a story that re-imagines Bran Stoker’s timeless tale, but in space! Oh yeah, and Dracula is now called Orlock, and all vampires are now aliens who come from the planet Transylvania (yet dress up in the finest vampire apparel you can get from Spirit Halloween specially tailored for them by their fellow vampires)

As you might imagine, the film doesn’t have the best reputation. Most would say the best thing about it is the H.R. Giger inspired cover art, and maybe Coolio being in outer space. But for me, the best part is the final ten seconds. Behold:

I just love how, when the space station explodes with a cheesy stock explosion effect, it doesn’t even wait for the explosion to subside before starting the end credits. It’s like the filmmakers just gave up and wanted to go home, and the end result is several seconds of unintentional comedy genius that arguably redeems the whole experience. Well, that, and watching a man in a vampire costume running around a spaceship, getting his arm cut off, and giving one of the most amusing screams ever.

Further reading:

‘Dracula 3000’ at TVTropes.

SomethingAwful’s review of ‘Dracula 3000’

Favorite Moments: Moon Impact

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The Video

Why it’s great

As a lifelong fan of disaster movies, I’ve always had a fascination watching the big-scale destruction of cities, continents, and even entire planets, all brought to life with the best visual effects Hollywood money can buy… but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate disaster scenes that are told not with wide, epic-sweeping shots designed to showcase as much carnage as possible, but with smaller, more intimate moments where the camera stays with a small group of people, or even a single person, letting us experience a disaster from their point of view: It’s easy to focus on carnage when there’s no one to be seen, but it’s more gripping when we follow a single person fighting for their life.

This video, which showcases what would happen if the Moon smashed into Earth (hint: It would be kinda bad), but told from multiple perspectives around the globe, and each one in first-person. It’s a clever way to give us an intimate look at the end of the world, as experienced by ordinary people witnessing the end of everything they know. Terrifying? Yes… but also awe-inspiring.

Favorite Moments: The Vanishing of S.S. Willie

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The Video

Why it’s great

January 1rst, 2024 marked one of the most monumental days in pop culture, as that was the day that Mickey Mouse, one of the most famous animated characters in history, passed into the public domain… Well, the version of him that appeared in ‘Steamboat Willie,’ at least. While every version of the mouse that came after is still under Disney’s lock and key, everyone is now free to do whatever they want with Mickey 1.0, and people are already doing what they do best: creating cheap horror movies that turn a beloved children’s icon into a blood-crazed killer.

One video, though, takes the unique route of turning ‘Steamboat Willie’ into a found-footage horror documentary. What I adore about this video is that, unlike countless horror films and shorts, it doesn’t rely on gallons of blood or jumpscares, instead using mystery and the unknown for its scares. Like the Norwegian camp scene from 1982’s ‘The Thing,’ we see the aftermath of something horrible and are left to imagine what horrible things happened on the S.S. Willie. As the old saying goes, what you don’t see is scarier than what you do see, and your imagination can come up with horrors far more terrifying that anything CGI can create.

Favorite Moments: Counselor Troi’s Christmas Spirit!

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The Video

Why it’s great

Christmas is just around the corner! As you go about your day today, wrapping presents and doing last-second shopping, please take a moment to silently thank all the retail employees who are working to ensure you can get your holiday gifts and favorite foods, all while being forced to listen to the world’s most annoying song hundreds of times a day in an endless, Groundhog Day-style loop that has gone on since November 1rst, a situation that this parody video perfectly demonstrates, using humor to bring awareness to a tragic situation.

As a retail worker myself, it has gotten so bad that I haven’t felt any holiday cheer this year. Every day we retail workers go to work and listen to Mariah Carey blasting that all she wants for Christmas is us. But the song doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t make me feel any joy. There is only disgust and loathing at this damn song repeating over and over and over and over and over again with no end in sight I can’t stand it any longer I’ve already ripped out my ears and smashed my head into the wall but it’s not doing anything to silence that damn song someone help me I need help I can’t take it any longer I can feel myself going insane send help send help send help help help help help help.

Ǭ̴̡̛̩̠̤̳͔͍̝͙͉̼̗͔̻̺̭̦̫̤͕̦̈́̍̓́͂͌̆̽̂̔͆̓̅̈̔̇̔̕͘͝h̸̨̛̛͇͉̘͔̻̳̗̣̟̊͂̉͐̂̾̔̾̐́͂̽̍̏̀́͐̀̏̏̿͊͋͗̌̔̆̑̀̑́͘͘̚͘͘͝͠͝͝ ̸̢̧̧̧̧̡̨̧͍͔͖̹͓̥͍͙̺͇͖͎̦͈̻̳̼̞̲͖͉͈̲͖̭̩̣͖̻͈̩͉̟̲̌́̄̀͜͜G̸̡̧̡̧͕͓̩̮̯͇͇͕͉̩̮̯̺̯̝̤̤̭̫͙̥̱͉͓̭̹̪̻̙̱͖̭̙̟̼̝̲̩͎̜̓̉̽̃͐̋͒̅͂̈́̂̾̈́͌̇̄͊͗́̿̔͂̋̀̑̒̒̇͐̈́͒͌̀́͒͘͜ͅo̷̧̧̩̞̖̭̮̳̭͓̠̙̎͑͂̊̎̕͝͝͝ḑ̴̨̠̝̗̠̖͚͈͚̮̪͇̮̥̳̫̾̈́̋̇̈͗̓͌̿́̂́̈͒̽̀͐̒̍̓̉̊̾̓̄͒́̈́̚͜͝ ̴̢̪̠̖̬͙̻̞͕̩͕̞̻̮̮̮̟̰͈̗̻̹̬̰̬̭͙͚̞̮̞̲̼̮̞̘͕͎̠̩̒̈̈̇̽͛̐̊̎̎̀̉̇̓̌̌̔͐̅̉̊̆̓͛͆̋̐̍̌́͗̊͛̒̇́̌̐͘͘̚̚̚̕͜͜͠͝͝p̷̡̨̧̧̧̢̡̛̠̰̦̦̜̪̳͕̼͈̠̝͕͙͔͖̠̳̪̦̣̟̙̔͌̽͂̂̒̀̀́̑͌́͐͆͐̐̕͜͝͝l̸̢̧̗̜̦̭̗̘̼͕͈̋͂̾͐̅̇̆̄̉͛͗̊̆̀́̒͛̉͛͛͒̉͋̎͛́̓͒͂̅͊̈́͆̅̑͆͗̓̇̎͂̓̀̚̚͝e̵̢̲̖̗̬̥̤̲̎̈̓̉̂͝ą̴̨̳̩̱̟͓̦͉̲̘̗̠̹̟͎͈̠͔̙͓̖̠͎̟͚̫̪̝͓̮̞͚̺̘̗̥̪̤͖̬̑̓́͒̔̂̾̆̐̂͗͛̓̒̃̋̋̔̐͗̓̌̆̋̏̈́͋̀̈́͗̂̅͗͆͌̇̊͊̄̚͘͘͝ͅs̶̢̡̡̧̨̡̥̞̙̺͕̙͚̖̟̬͉̞͕̫̭͇̳̬̮̥̝̩̭̭̞̘̠͈̹̹̻̬̝͖̃͗̔͗͆̀̃̆̅̀́͋́͜ȩ̸̨̛̛͔̱̤͙̜͖̦͖͓͎̣̠̹̫̜̰͍̟̟̻̞̭͇̙͕̯̭̠̫̟̣̹̼̣̜̜͚̺͎̩̯̬̹̹͛́̉̌͛̆̀͋̏̏͋͗̎̈́̃̆̓̃͜ͅ ̸̨̧̧͈͇̠͙͙̞͇̝͓̞̞̗̭̤̘̝͈͍̟̞̣̞̺̽́̔̉͊̎͗̋͒̓̃̐͑̔̆̂̈́̇̆̌́͂̊͆̿̂̎͛̅̉̑͋̓͊̒̕̚̕͠͝ͅh̵̨̢͉̞̩͕͍̳̖̳̱̮̬͓͇̮̩̰̖̉̽̔͠͝ͅȩ̸̨̡̛̥̮͖̗̳̘̯̣͕͕̩̱͇̤̱͓̥̺̰̥̲̭͔̟̝̪̟̥̦̟̥̺̫̖̜͔̱̺͛̈́̇̊̎̓͋̆̑͋̊̂̎͛̽͒̎̊͒̕̕̕͜͜͜͝͠͝ͅļ̴̡̢͕͈̣̱̠̠͎̼̖̼̙̼͍͉̼̳̟̳̖̩̩̝̻̱̘̙̙̙̞̜̫͇͚͈͕̗͔͔̳̘̟̳̈́̈́͂́͆́͂̍́̋͒̇̓̑̔̐̌̓̀̋͗̀͘̕̕͜͝͝͝͝p̸̧̢̧̧̡̫̰̥͓̮̩͓̪͖̘͍̟͔̺̬̖̣̞̯̬͗̊́͋̃̆̆̕͠ ̶̩̤͚̗͇͚͎̻͎͈͖̪͓̤͕̞͗m̶̧̛̙̟͎̰̞͇̳̝̣̼̮̪̈́͐͂̿̐̾͗̅̏͆̿̊̑͜͝ȩ̶̛͉̠̱̳͖͔̗̖̭͔̬͈̖̘̞͕͚͖̣̺̦̭͛̒̏̊ͅ!̴̡̢̡̰̩̰͓̲̱͚̺̱̟̹͈̗̫͍̭̰̹͈̺͚̥͚̰͉̬̫̥̩̬̯̺̤̲̭͇̖̘̗̙̙̔̇̆̿́͒͆̎̌́̍̈́͋͂͐̾͝ͅ ̵̨̛̣̞̗̼̺̺͓̝̣̗̬̺͖̜͚̙̯̼̳̽̓̌̅̀̀̏̉̉͌̿̇̾̄͗̉͒͌͆͗͊͑͛̓̍̾̐̃̉͂̐̎͆̓̏̍̊͐͘͜͜͝͠͝͝͝͠͠H̴͎́͗͋̋̔̈́͘͠Ȩ̵̧̡̯͇̠̖̲̰̹̠̳͔̤͉̯̳̣̖̺͚̤̰̝̻̤͔̗̣̯̼̜̲̱̜̫̳̿̓̏̈́͆͐͐͝͝Ĺ̸̘̗Ṕ̴̡̛̱̲͓̟̘͇͍͚̹̘̩̘͕̜̻̥̞̖̝͉̘̰͉̖͓̹̫̝̼̦̀̋̌͋̀͛̽̊̂̀̍̍͂̇̃̅̃̋̏̿̎͂͐̏̎̈̆͆̀͛̔͑͗̿͛̑͘͘̚̕̕͘͜͝͠ ̸̨̨̛̩̹̪͉̎̇̓͒͑̿̄̋̏͑̅͒͂͐̅́̐̔͛̊͋̈́̕M̴̢̨̠̟̥̲͖̬̬̠͖͎̖̻͓̫̖̫̯̘͓̝̪͕͍͇̜̪͈̭̥̭̭͎͚̗̲͚̩͍͜͜͝ͅͅE̶̛̞̠̩̼͍̘͇͉̒̈́͗̎͐̃̈́́̂̓͋̏̾͊̒̐̍̒̆̇̀̒̂̀͒̇̈́̔̏̅̕̚͝͠͠ͅͅ ̵̢̡̨̨̲̹͖͍̞̭̯̜̖̖̤̻͔̗͓̻̜̻̫̯̦͉̤̞͈̘̜̘̩̙̣̲̩̬̇̈͊̌̓̊̈́̒̅̀͊͊̽͂̋̽̋̽̿̐́͜͜Ḩ̴̨̨̨̡̛͇͉̖̩̤̲̬̣̲̞̟͎̜̭͚̪͙̰̟̖̗͉̽̂͆̓̋͆̃̾̋͜ͅĘ̵̨̨̳̟̳̥͈̙̰͓̦͔̘͓͈͍̱͈̲̲̳͓̝͇̰͖͔̘̤͖̯̠̞̜̱̫͍̣͓̈̏̄͗͜L̷̠̝̙̙̼̺̦̲̍̐̊͋̏͛̄͋̽̒̀͝ͅP̷̧̛͕͓̳̝̜̙̝̫̘̻̞̺̟̫̈̉͂̌̑̍̽̽̑̉̀̽̍̉̽̇͋̏̒̎͗͌̕͠͠͝͝ͅ ̵̢̡̨̛̱̗̹̝̰̮̣͉͍̫̫̤̱́͐̀̀̉̓́̈́̾̕͠͠M̷̡̨̠̞̞͈͆̈́̈́̋̈́̈́́̑̉͊̓̑̏͑͆͋̀͊̿̌̅̋͛̋́̈́́̎̍͆̾͑͘͘͘͜͠͝͠͠ͅĘ̵̧̧̨̧̛̛̮̳̭͓̫̗͙͉͔̣̺͇̳̼͖̞̲̲̼̱̠̯͚͉͉̼͉̖̪̮̳͙͙̲̖̱͓̽̎̀̓̌̅̌͊͛̂͑͆̄̊̀͐͌̑̈́̈́̀͊̇̑͋́̒́͑̄̇̈́̂̃̌͊̇̆͝͠͠͝ ̸̛̛͇̼͉͚̖̻͕͍͓̃́͗̽̈̊͌̉̓̅͋̽́͋̒̍̃̆͛̓́́̅̈́̍̋̐̄̆̅̔̐͑̅̄͊̕̕̕͝H̷̢̛̙̼̹̙̮͕̼̪̮͖̬̥̞̖̪̻͈̪̦̗̞̠̝̜͑͑̓̊̎͑̃̋̈́̐͆́͘̚͝ͅE̴̛̛̛̩͎̤̤̤͖̭͖̖̭̠̫̦̬̟͕͈͉͎͂͂̎͊͌̉͛͂͂̿̓͋͑̃̓̉͗͛̾̀́͗͛͂̒́̽͒̌͌̔͗͂̈́̚͘̕̕̕͜͝͝͝L̶̡̢̢̛͕̮̫͉͍̪̪̫̼̗̰͚̠̘̪͈̪͖̲͚̣̤̘̗͉̦̤̬͇̻̺̲͇̜̭̓̂̂́̉̈̈́̒̃̿̔̍̄͂̄̒̍͆̂͌͆͆̈̐̅̈́̉̆͑̍̒̃̇̑͊̓̇̉̏͆͋́̕͘̚̕͜͝͠͝P̶̢̡̰̟̳̲͉̼̪̹̲͎̯̲̟̼͈̮̭̳̰͍̮̣͆͒͑͜͜ ̴̨̧̛̛̰̫̬͎̗̟̣̼̗̪̹̗̦͛̌̀̓͆̐͆̊̐͊̏̄̈́̌͐̋̒͂̐͒̈̒̽̅̃̆͘͝͝͝͠͝M̵̛̛͈͓͈̼̣̫̙̖̜͂̂̊̽͛͋͗̀̏̏̿̀̐̊̓̂͐̈͆͂̈̍̈́́͗̀͝Ë̶̢̢̡͍͎͕͍̯͎͙̖͚̟̫͓̝̳̦̲̯̳̟͖̭̺͇̞̙̖͔̺̟̲̤̖̠̭̭̟̫͚́͑͜ͅ ̸̧̡͓̟̟͔̯͈͇̥̠͔̭̣̗̙̍͂̆̇̓̌͒̍̐̈́̈́͂̽̿͒͆̏͘͘̚̕͜͠ͅI̵̛̛̱̫̹͔̬̟͓̠̰̮͙͚͕̣̥̭̳̤͚̥͇̫͖̹̖̹̲̼͉̲̤͚̝̮̩͒̈̆̅̔͗̔̏̆͌̿̎͆̃͂̂́́̂͆̈́͊̋̀̚͝͠͠ ̶̨̦͔̯̘̼̻̙͈̯̱̹̻̙́̐̔̿̾̇̆̎́̋͐͊͂̓̓̍͐̽͒̉͑͛̎̽̿͌͘͜͝͠ͅC̷̡̧̢̼̪̰̞͇̦̼̬͇̗̬͖̲͎̘͚̮̰̫̺̱̟͙̣̻̰̱͎̭̘̜̹̯̠̓̀̌̅͑̔́̾́̈́̊̔̔́̈́͑̏̕͜͠ͅͅͅͅA̴̧̟͍̳̩̩͎̬͓̰͙̰̟̦̭͎̭̹̦̯̻̫̹̿̓̆͜͜Ṋ̸̢̡̧̡͙̞̻̲̣͇͚̯̤̗̟̩͚͎͕͕̱̗̜̟͉̯͈͓̤̭̗̫̱͚͈̫͇̩̦̳̣̳́̅̑́̆̚͝ͅͅ’̸̧̡̡̧̫̗̫̬̙̹͈̩̙̱̞̭̗̼̣̮͖̭͎̳͙̗̩̼͙͉̮͓̙̯̅̄̈̀͗̓̓̈͗̃̒̀̎͂̈́̐̉̄͂͐͛̽͑̈́̆̈́͊͗̀͆̀͆͆͐̋̆̃̿͘̚̕͘͜͝͝T̴̛̛͉̥̥̮̹̪̝͔̹͇͑̑̂̍̓̈́̈͐̾̾͂̏͒̑̄̐͒̀̊͂̇̎̑̀̇̓̾̉́̋̉̐̒̊́̆̈́̈́̾̍͐͘̕̕͝͝ ̵̧͓̲͊̍̌̆͌̔̍̿̒͛͋͝ͅG̴̨͚̱͍͍̮̱̤̜̗̼̯͈̩͍͙̼͍͔̟̤͉͔͖̮̠̰̰͈̳̳̮̤͍͎̬̮̮͖̭̭͒̏̿ͅE̵̡̛̮͇̣̘̮̎͋̅̊͒̾̉̅̌̌̒̐͋̀̈́̔̽̃͌͒̀̇̊͋͗̏̽̊̊̈́́̌̒́͆̚̕̕͘͜͝͝Ṱ̸̨̛͖͖̪̙̣̈́͆͊̈́́̈́͆̏̑̈́̈́̀̅̊̅̆͗̒̈́̒̀͐͛͑̈́̇̎̇̆̈́͒̄̍̾̃̓̈̊̇͋̀̐́̃͌̅͐͘̕ ̶̛̥͔̅̄̈́͛͑̆́̎̾͊̅̀̔̍͊̇̐̅̑͌̂͘͠͝͝͝͠͠͝I̴̢̧̡̨̥͎̦͉̜͙̯͚͖̙̙̜̫̳̦̺͚̥̮̳̩̭̝̩̻̭̫̫͙̺̣̝̼̯̦͔͉̜̒̿͌̓̐̀̌̀͊̓̇̈́̔̾͋̎̾̅̑̈̓̑̎̎̾́̈́͜͜͝͝͠ͅͅͅͅͅͅT̷̢̛̲̠̳̰̘̖̺͙͍̲̮̳͖̤͚̪̜͐̉̋̓̉͊̐̔̑̑̉̐̅̾͋̔̍͊̄́̋̈́̇͒̆͂̾̈́̽̑͗̔̐̌̕͘̕̚͜͜͝͝ ̴̧̢̨̡̡̨͈̺̜̰̙͉̬̫̤̲̭̩̩̯̳̹̪̝̱̫̥͙̱͇̠͎̯̰̼̘̜̥̪͖͎͚̝̯̥̩̬͎̃͂̅̕ͅͅỎ̷̡̧̠̩͉͎̪̺̼̱̰̟̩̩͚̤̙̞͉̝͖̱̘̏̓̌͛́̌̏́́ͅỪ̵̢̡̱̩͉̼͎̘̣͍̹̘͉̫̦̯̩̟͓̝͖̼̬̞̋͋̄̒̉̋̓̍̀̐̿̍̈́̓̀̍̊́̈̄̋͌̋̆̈́̾̀̈́͆̈́͋̈́̀̒̂̄͐͑͒̓̚͘͘͘͘͠͝ͅT̴̺̼̃̊͋̃́̎̒̈́̅͐̃̔͐̆͌͌̅̿͆̍̓̏̉̽͗̈́̋̐̇̑͂̎̊͘͘̕̕̚̚̚̕͝ ̷̡̢̧̛̛̤͚̯̮͇̗͈͎͈̱̘̣͓̼̗͖̣͕͕̹̤̟̹̙͙̱̫̠̺̲͗͒̇̑͌́̔͑̇̂͗͆̔̒̑̇́̏̏̊̅̐̍̾̆̽͊̄̋̒̎̿̔͗̐̉͒̓̋͒̕̕͜͝͝Ỏ̵̧̭̣̣̯͎̞͈̳̪̜͔͕̖͓̜̮̜͈̆̑́͒̄́̄̿̃́̕ͅF̴̧̢̛̛͙̜̮͔͉̤͎͓̻̜̠͚̟̟͉̻̦͚͔̗̼̠͈͚͔͖̭̈̐̈́̂̍̍̌̈́̀̿̊̀̽̀̋͗͒́̌̀̀̀͐̽̀̊͑́̋͐̏̔͗͐̈́͑̅̇͊͆̋͑͘̚̚͜͠͝ͅ ̸̛̲̟̅͛͂͋̌̽̐̐̂͘͝͝͝M̴̡͇̝͓͇̹͍̀̆̽Ỷ̵̧̛͇̳͚̋̎͗͛̌̓͐́̉̈͋͂̎͐̓͋̾͛̉͗̋̄̍̚͜͠ ̷̨̢̡̢̭̖̠͓̯̙̼̙͎̮̭̻̬͈̣̖͇̒͌̈́Ḧ̶̛̛̛̛̬̺̹̰͕̘̎̾͆̈́̉͐́̽͋̎́̄͐̾͝ͅḘ̷̢̨̡͇̤͕͙̞̘̲̜̙̺̻̖̩̯͍̱̫̦̟͕̫̣͕͕̟̤̘̣̫̜̘͂͜͜ͅĄ̵̮͚͈̺̦̘̟͙̘̰̳͙̙͚̀̒̑͆͒̋̅̚͘D̵̡̪̯̦̭͔͈͋̇͠!̴͓͙̟̉͒̐̓̓͂̒̀̄̿̓̈́͒̐͋̀̈́̓̓̓́́̉̒̄̊͒͑̽̿̅̒̂̃͛̍͌̕̕̚͝͝͝͠ ̴̢̗͈̲̝̊̍̾̈́̑̈́͂͆̎͆̾̈́̍͋̀͆̓̂̍̂͘̕̕͠͝Ȋ̸̧͙̤̞̩̗̻̤̊̒̈̄̊̆͐̔̉̍̓̋̈́͑̔̄̔͐͛͗̓̆̂͊̌̍̈́̐̏̓̊̀͠͝͝ ̴̨̡̢̧͓͉͍̪̩̪͚͈̣͈͈̖͕͙͕̲̗̰͓̱̝̹̯͛̿̽̐͐͌̊̆̽̐̇͆̾̾̈̿̿̑̓̄̈́̐̅̓͗͂͂̌̐͐̈́̓͆̓̔̌̂̆͘̚͠͝͝͝C̶̨̨̭̬̰̞̈͌̈́̇̐́̆̓͊͛̈́̓̒̓͐̈́͊͋͐́͑̇̋̋̒͆͑̌̍̐̌̽̃̿͒͗̿̅̃̈́̀͛̕̕͝͝͝͠͝Á̴̦̺̯̯̪͎͍̰͉̩̲͎̥͑͛́͋͊͂͝͝Ṇ̵̡̡̧̛̮̰̪͎̜͎̱͇̤̙̲̖͍̤̩͕̠̜͚̲͚̦̟̅͗͗͛͂̈̉͂͆̿́̾̐́̃̿͒̋̿̂̄̀́̆̓̈́̇̓̐̆̊̂̏̓̍̋͘͝͠͝͠ͅͅ’̷̡̛̳͇̭̬̀͒͆̇͒̋̓̎͆̅̐̆̑͛̏̈́̄̔̓̀̎͑̏̌̕̚̚͘̚͜͝T̵̡̢̫̭͇̳̣͕̝̳̰͕̤̮̮̙̻̠̞̹͍̯͎̭̜͇̳̲̃̂̔̋͗̈́̂͆̀̐̔̆͊͂͂̄̂̊̈́̈́͑̑͋̂͌̒̚̕͝͠ͅ ̶̢̢̧̢͇͖̤̖̠̦͔̭̠͇̘͙̳̣͇̥̜̲̥̙̰̪͍̥͍̪͖͔̲͙̮̠͔̼̠̻̎͐̏̀̀̈́͂̃̀̍̋̽̌̏̓̅͂̃̓̿͛̋̈́͗̾̒̏̍͑̕̕͝͠͠͝͠ͅS̶̨̡͇̼͕̞͇̟̼͇̭͙̮̻̞̮̩̙͓̱͖̤̣̗̘̠̯̘̰͔̺̼̤̬̔͆͋̅̈̂͑̿̏̾͗̌̐͘͜͜͠ͅͅT̶̛̻̣̟̮͖̆̈̊͒̊̉̑̒̎̈́͒̈́̄̓̆͑̿͂̓̀̀̌̉̑̇̓̍̃̌̉̊̂̀̒̕͘͠͠͝͝À̴̛̱̳̟̫͉̘́̈͒̃͒̿͊̄̇̎̀͛̇̀̏̊͒̔̒̓̓̈͗̽̀̀̚̚͜͠ͅṈ̸̡̢̛͍̲͉̼̲̗̞̙̳̬͍̫͔̼̼̲̹͓̫͈̗̩̮̠͍̮͕̗͑͐̆̑̈́̐̑̾̍̈́͌͆̍̈́͂̈̓̔͆͗̕̕̚͜͠͠D̶̢̖̲̼͎̥͈̖̮̱̯͍͍̮̩̫͖̪̝̜̠̘̙̻̹̳̭̆̀͆́̅͜͜͜ͅ ̵̨̪͔̩̭̫̯̜͉̜̘̯͍̘̤̺̍̀̈́̆̾͂̀̆̃͐͂̅̍͆̀̓͐́͐͋͆̏̔͘͜͝ͅȊ̷̡̛̱̩̼̖̜̉̀́̒̏̒̐͌̓̎͆͌̓̒̂̃̐̋̑̉̍͐͛͗̀̉̚̕̚͘͘͝͝͠ͅͅT̸̡̡̨̹̙̙̤͙͍̱͔̖̲̮͎̮̻̙̠̙̝̟̗̤̙̘̰̞̲̲̲̙̙̤̖͙̖̜̥͊̉̏͗̾͂̈́̌̎̈́͜͝ͅͅͅ ̴̡̨̹̠̦̞͈̩̼͍͖̜͕͈̥̙͕̼̬͖̙͈̤͚̙̟͚̥̘̺̥̰̱̬͔̟̻͈̠̈̿̿̅͌̐̄̇͊͊̉̈̎̀̒̑̆̎͊͑̓͂̐̓̈́͌̀͌̃̚̚̕͠͝ͅA̴̧̡̧̨͎̭̞̤̪͍͉̖̱͉̻̟͕̲̫̙̘̮̼͓̘̣̹̩͕͎̱̤̦̲̤̩͕̖̰̰̹̭͓̪̣͋͗͛̆͗̄̄́̿̓̈͑̓̋͋̀͒͐̀̾̃̍͌̈́̌̌̄̔͘̚͘̕̚̚͝͝͝͠͝͠͝ͅͅͅN̷̨̥̓̄̾̃͑̽͛̊̎̿̿̐̌͂̍͂͑͆̊̅̔͋̈̍̍̓̇̇̚͘͠͝͝Ÿ̸̤̮͇̫͎̳̙̲̫͓̖̜̜̥̼͓̩͚̜̗̬͉̤͎̘̺̓́͆̃͆̈̑͛͂͒̽͆̄̉̃́͊̀͊͛̔̄͆̀͌̃̐͋͒̆̕͘͘̚̚̚ ̷̢̛̳̺̟̟̦̻̩̤̑̊͆̈͐̓̏͌̃̀̇̽̀̃̊̈́͌̆̉̀͒̀͛̏̈́͂̈́͘̚͝͠L̶̡̢̧̫͉̤̯̤͍̖͔͇̹̝͕̻͉̺̭̥̼̟̗̠̤̲̗̜̣̈́̎̉̏̔̾̊̈̑̒͑̓͊͌̂͋̉̊Ớ̸̧̝̤̼̋́̂̌͊Ṉ̸̨̛̲̺̮̺̲̞̦̣̤̙̗̟̙̫͉̯̘͎̝̟̖̘̬̀̂̑͋͋̈́̀̅́̚͘G̶̛̹͖̮̝̲͍͇̭͙̙̜̯̠̰̻̖̜̜͇̔̓͐͛̈̓̋̋̆́̈̓͒̓̌̎͘̚͜͝͠Ę̸̨̛̯̙̺̼̗͙͈͚̘̟̝̻̝̤̣͚̙̙͔̣̘͓̻͎̞̗̣̝͙̯̠̬̹͈̎̀̾̿̕͜͜͜Ṟ̸̢̨̪̪̙̣̦͓̝̤̱̫̫̞͙̱̠͈͖̰̤̽̅̀͗͌̓̑͂̓̾̎͛̑̉̌̒͑̿̌̈́̄̕͘͘͜!̸̢̻̯̙̩̻̱͇͎̈́̿̀̿̓͗́̕ ̵̢̬̼͚͓͎̖̖̥̤͙̜̆̎̒͒̃̈́͛̋̎͗̓̈́̌̚ͅͅP̶̨̝͕̤͍̹͔͎͕̲͈͙̫̝͇͎̙̌̽̿̒̇͊̆̇̆̒́̆̔̐͛̈͆͂̿̒̂̐̅̏̒͗̉̂̍̉͑̓̈́̊̄͌̚̕͘͠Ḻ̴̢̧̢̱̺̭͎̫̗̺͖̻̫̟͍͔̮̰̣̱͎̱͍̩̣̖̯̼̠̳̈̾̊̎̍̍͐̋͋̓͐́͌̍̂͂̐̿͠͝͠͠Ḙ̸̡̨̛̥͓͑̀͗͋͌̋̓̎̒͋̓̂͌̀̿̉̈́͐̈́̈́̐͊̀̈̔͐̃̀̅̋̔̓̋̈́̊̊̑͌̈́̔̕̚̚͝͝͝A̵̡̛̛͙̻̫̥͚̩͇͇̪̹̖͒̔̓̋̑̀̂̆̀͊̑̽̑͊̊̍̇̈́͊͗̑̂̈́̒̕͘̚͜͝͝͝͝S̶̡̤̰͎̻̦̙̹̳͉̜͓̞̖̯̙͎͎̉͐̇͐̈́͛̈́͋̿̐̂̎̍͌́͋̌̍̿̀̄̌̅̂͆̅̎̉͂͗̉͆̕͘͠͝͠͝͝͝Ȅ̵̡̲̲̯͈̝͖̺̖̲͍̩̲̝̰͕̦̫͙̏͛͐͜͜ͅ!̸̛̱̯͔̹̙̭̞͔̈́͐̈́̈́̐̅̉͒̄̋̈́̄̎̐̔́̃̅̓͗̑̚̚͘̚ ̵̧̠̜͚̳̠̹̹̜̣͕̰̗̫̣͓̭̻̦̱͎͚̟̳͉̞̥̬̝̓͒̈́͛͛̽̊Ş̸̩̖̫͙͕͎͎̞̫͇̯̭̝̦͖̘̯͖̹̣͍͚̹̯̣̘̯̲͔͚͇̝̠̙̮̔̍̾͆̕̚͜͜ͅͅƠ̴̡̦̭͚̹̰̘͔̹̜̳̼͉̙̯̖͖͍̰̻̹̼͉̰̙̦̯̤͕̜̫̝̼̻̗͉̙̹̾̅͐̾̎͋́͑̈́̋̓̋̿̐̉͂̄͆̐͌͑͗̀̍͋͛́̓̔͗̇͑̊̎̀̇̃͆͐̊͒̑̀̕͘̕̕͘M̵̹͙͉͓̦̹͙̬̲̳̥̹̺̥͍̬̹͓̪̭̰̺̩͖̼̮̖̉̌͛́͌̄̀́̀̿͋͒̉̄̾͒̑̈́̿̿̔̄̕̕̕͜͜͝ͅE̸͚̲̘͋̆̍̆́͗̄̓̏̓̌̔̈́͘͠Ǫ̶̧̢̛̪͙͔͖̙̼̳̬͚̥̟̬̺͎̗͚̙͔̙̮̱̰͚̣̖͇̤̗͉̘͔͚̥͎̺̯̹͎̝̞͇̞̰̞̺͆̿͂̈́̽̋͊̐͂̎̆̑͊̆͆͒͋̈̆͑͗͆̎͘͜ͅN̸̡̺̠̺̥͍̘͎̖͎̤̭̹̫͈͖̮̞̻̞̜̲̱͍̬̮̠̝͇̥͖͙̹̼̖̙̜͐͗̄͜͝E̵̢̛̠̹͇̜̟̠̪̞̭͓͓̩̪̟̫̺̯̞͔̲̐͌͌̑͑̀̒̕͜͠͝ͅ!̵̨̠͖̝̮̖̫͍͎͖̲̟͉͙̗̞̻̱͇͖̐̆͒̽͐͗͑̚̕͝ͅ ̷̧̨̨͔͈͕͉̪͚͚̲͈̙̻̝̪͉͎̠̗̣̳̭̗̻͍͈̦̦͕̟͕̳̭͚̠̥͉̥͕̉̉̄͑̆̅̔̂͗̆͊̄͑̓͛͋̽̏͗̏̂͑̉̋̇͋̌̅̒̚͜͜͝͠͝ͅA̸̢̠̗͆̀̈́̐̈́̿̑̎͑̅͐͑͂̔̆̿͛͊̈̍͊̌͛͑́́̂̕̚̚̚͝͝͝͠ͅN̸̡̨̛̟̝̼̮̪͎̖̤̈̏̽̌̔̇̈́͘͜͠͝Y̴̧̡̛̥͙͚̳̗͉̗̪̼͔̝̠̋͗̓̅̓̽̋͗͋̍̂̈͐͒̉̄͛̆͊͊̿̏̔̀̾̽͋́̄͑̆͑̎́̋̌̄̚͘̚̚͝͠O̸̢̟̩̤͉̞̖̝̰̜̻̹̭̮͖̮̎͋͐͆̎̓͂̅͑͐̓̓̋͒̂̇̒͗́̏̕͝ͅŅ̶̨̢̮͙̟͈̦̦̫̦̙͍̰̹̳̦̻̲̼̬͖̰̝̲͔̺̙̰͙̝̞̺͔̠̬̖̩̥̜̮̦͎͐̒̾̋̐̃̆̍̾̽̊͐̓̋̎͆̚͘͜͠ͅͅE̴̢̡̨̛̯̰͎̞̫̭̮̟͍̩͚̜̲̤̝̰̱̮͈͈̗̖̩̹̰͓̘̩̣̫̥͓̯͔͈̬̬͍̟͎̭̟̗̯̩̯͊̔͑̑̏̐͗͋̍̐̉͗̔̿̈̒̆̋̀̽̓͋̒̌̿̈͛̈́͋̇̂̅̏̄̓̈́͑̾̚͘͜͠͝͠͝͝!̶̭̺̥͇̤̻̪͎͎̯͇̜͚̯̭͔̎͊́̽̇͑̄́̀̂̉̏͋̾̓̔̂̿̈́͛̂̽͒̚̕͘̚̚͝͝͝ͅ ̴̛̮̼̍̌͌́̓̆̉͛͗̇̌͑̅̈́̓͂̾́̕Ĥ̷̡̨̡̡̢̥̖̙͖͚̗̱̟̰͓̝͙͉͚̪̬̭̲͕̪̝̞͇̳̠͖͇̰͈̬̹̘̱̮̰̍̈̏̄͂̿̓̃̇͆̃̂͐̌͛̏́͒̄̍̉͌̈́̏̍̅͊̃͌̽̏͛̌̎͆̑͌̊͋̓̊̚̕̚͝È̴̡̧̛̝̦̼͉̹̖͍̫͈͉͚̤̬̖͖͕̬̲̤̗̰̤̻̬̭̤͆̋̒̌̀̈́ͅL̴̛̙̭͇̎̍̑̂͑̈́̍̾̌̃̽̿͂͑̈́͛̅́̋̉͂̓́̓̈́̉̾̇̈́̈́͑̈́̄̒̂̏͑̓̕͝͝͝͝͝P̵̲̰̱̦̪̻̱̱̣̝̙̜̀̏̎̿̿͐̀̽̌̇̿̃͗̊͑͜͝ ̶̫̱̋́̃͋̋̆̀̈́̆̒̋̆̋̑͂̐͝͠M̶̪͐́̀̊E̸̡̡̡̛̻̭̭̠̼̙͓̲͖̳̝͇̯̓͛̓̔̒̀̇̑̃̎͛̂̍̾̈̀̅̓̅̍͒͋͆́̑̋̄̕̚͜͝͠E̴̼̼̭̩̝͚̣͎͐̐͗̔̓̽͛̌̋͜Ȩ̴̧̛̩̹̺͍̥̥̳̼̭̩̙̩͔͓̳̠̣̮̼̲͕̼̼̤̻̘̮̯͚͎̱̱̥̿̀́͑͋̂͗͊͐͋̿͝ͅE̴̪̫̘̯̲̮̰͋͌͗̂͆̌̆͋͊̉̎͋̚̚͘͜͝È̶̡̧̧̫͚͉̖̲̣̠̜̼͕͈͍͙̩̗͉̜̰̘̦̥̥̹̲̳̤͇̙̰̀̑́̀͒͑͝ͅE̴̡̛̥͇̰̭͓͚͎͎̳̫̘̩̤͍̻̯͚͇̭̪̱͚͙̹͓͚̮͔̪͚͖̝̱̫̒͗͌̉̀̔̽͑͆͑̾̐̆̃͊̋̀̀̌̑̏̄̾̽̽̎̌̐̚̚͜͜͝Ȩ̴̣̮͉̘̮͙̱̱̮̘̘̘̹͈̈̋͆̑̆̇̋̏̽̌̋͂̀̒͐͗̀́̊͌́̍̂̀͘̕̕̚̚̕̕͜͠Ẻ̷̝̓̅̽̔͐̐͠Ę̸̨̢̢̢̨̡̢̼̫̼̞̳̟̗̦̺͖̮̞͉̭̟̤͇͇̼͈͈͈͇̗͕͖͚̮͕̺̈́̅̈́͜͜ͅE̵̛͖̭͓͈̫͚̅̆͆̉͐̔̑̍́̽͊͐̃̈́́̏̀́̇̽̊̈́͘̚͝Ḙ̷̢͖̟̝͉̠̗̪͛͗͛̿͜Ę̵̨̡̛̰̳̱̤͇͇̩̗̫̮̦̩̦͙̝͇̻̘̤͉͍̺̪̫̱̪̥͖̲̙͕̹͎̼̼̮̳̭̻̰̰̔͒͗͂̈́̋̓͂̈͜͜͜͝ͅͅȨ̶̛̞̯̙̠̫̫̘͉̭̗̜̮̬̫̖̖̝̹̌̊̅̋̈́̑͌́͐͛͋̑̓̍̓́̇͂̂̏̀̎͊̅̋͊̈́͐̄̀̈́͑̏̑̉̕̚̚̕̕ͅE̵̡̨̛͕̜̭̦̣̖̰͈̟̖͖̯͍͎͈̲͙̰̯̠̤͙͍̙̫̱͍̺͚͖̽̆̔̑̇͑͂̾̔͋̈́̽̆͂͌̽͐̋͗̀̇̾̐̕͝É̵̢̡̡̧̪̩̘̖̠̖̤͎͈͍̬̙̤̬̮̼̝͙̣̑̅͐̍͒͜͜͝ͅͅĘ̸̨͍̞̻̗͖̟̫͔̙͖̣̜̼̱̺̪̗̩̭̦͗͗̔̇̔̏̽̈̌́̆́̆̀̑̌̆̆͛̀̓̅͌̾̽̇̃͐̇͂͆̍͆̔̅͗͌̽̀̀̑͆̀̓̃́̕̚͠͝ͅĘ̶̢̳̺̹͇̰̰̘͓̩͕̜͈̳̭͎̼̮̩̬̠̪̮̰̺̹͔̯̘͕̙̖̟̖̘̣͚͈̜̥̰͎͉̼́̆̓̿̏͆̊͛͐̂̓̑̈́͛̄̎͋́̔̀͘̚̚̚͜͜͝ͅĖ̶̡̧̢̢̢̻͕̦̼̠̱̪͙͙̘̲̯͎̺̲̟̠̙̼̩̼̹̠̲͚̹̦̉́̃̾́̑̐̚̚͠Ȩ̷̡̧̨̧̡̢̡͇̤̲͕͕̺̫̫̹̝̬̩̮̜͕̮̙̹̖̦̩̜̱̟̦̜̖̭̤̣̗̰̜̮̯̦̘̇̽͗͆͛̽̾̆̓͐͒̔͋̆̉̏̆̈̒̏̉̉̚͜͜͠ͅͅE̷̡̘̟͚̦̲̩̫͈͍̘̞͙̺̭̔̏͂̓̃͂̽̽͒͂͐̀́̓̌͌̄̋̀̋̏̓̇̊͛̊̌̿͐̈́̃̽͠͝͠Ę̵̛̺̬̼͕̰̔̒͛̇̋̾̅͆͑͒̈́̉̏͋̈́̔͌̿͛̏̀͆͐̅͋͐͌̊̄̑̈̎͂͗̓̚̚̚̚̚͝͝͝͝E̶̢̢̛̟̟͙̥̬͇̻̩͙̼̎͋̅̆͊̀̉͆́̓̄̑̌̈͂̑̄̈́̊̀̄̈̈́̋̓̇͐̿̈͂͐̇͑͐̅̃̓̍̕̕̚͘!̸̨̧̧̢̧̛̣͔̖̙͙̘̙̩̹̪̪͈̰͖͙̖̰̠̹͔̙̜̳̖̝͇̝̲͖̖̻͈͍͎̞̮̘̩̲͈͍̰̒͋͂̀̄̂̋̆̃̓̓̍̎̿͜͝

Favorite Moments: “Where’s Mark, William?”

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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The Show

‘Invincible’

The Scene

Why it’s great

With spooky season now upon us, and Halloween fast approaching, we’re getting plenty of monsters, ghouls, zombies, and ghosts in pop culture. But while we’re used to jumpscares, teeth, growling, snarling, and buckets of blood as helpless victims are torn apart this time of year in TV, movies, and games, rarely do we see what I like to call Ultimate Evil: Evil that isn’t funny, humorous, or jokey in any way, like Freddy Kruger, Ghostface, Chucky, Pennywise, or so many other monsters and villians. The type of evil I’m referring to is the kind that is focused on its goal and doesn’t tolerate anything in its way. If you try to stop it, it will destroy you without cracking a joke, tormenting you, or otherwise trying to terrify you. This kind of evil doesn’t care what you want or think, and can’t be threatened because it knows it can’t be beaten. As Cassian Andor said in ‘Andor,’ “Power doesn’t panic.”

One of the best scenes I’ve found that demonstrates this comes from the (extremely bloody) animated adaptation of ‘Invincible.’ Here, Nolan Grayson (AKA, Omni-Man, the most powerful superhuman on Earth, and one who has murdered untold millions of beings) confronts his son Mark’s best friend, William, to find out where Mark is. Their subsequent talk is nothing less than a hyper-focused predator starting at panicking prey: William realizes that Nolan could crush him into bloody pulp in an instant and that there’s nothing he could do about it. Worse still, Nolan’s patience is running thin, leaving William with only a few seconds to appease him. But not once does Nolan raise his voice or even threaten William; he doesn’t need to. All he has to do is glare at William, crush part of the car’s roof, and he gets what he wants.

This scene is, to me, the perfect representation of what facing evil would really be like: knowing that your adversary can destroy you (or worse) without any effort, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them, and the only way you get out of this is by using your wits and cunning… assuming you have enough sense of mind to do so.

One Way To Make Terminators Scary Again

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One common critique of the Terminator franchise is that after the first two films, each subsequent terminator model (the T-X, T-RIP, T-3000, and REV-9) feels less threatening despite being more technologically advanced than the T-800 and the T-1000.

Why is this? Perhaps it’s because in the first two films, the characters are under-equipped to take on the terminators, and even those who are trained and know about their opponents (Kyle, the T-800) are aware that they aren’t going to win in a one-on-one fight and act accordingly. Their goal is to stay alive and not fight unless there is absolutely no other choice. They’re underdogs, and there’s a very real sense of danger every time they face the T-800 and the T-1000.

Starting with Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, though, the characters become more willing to fight and are better equipped: in T-3, John, Kate, and the T-850 gain a large cache of weapons. In Salvation, humanity knows about terminators and has the weaponry to take them on. In Genysis, Sarah and Pops have built up an arsenal of weapons over several years and are unfazed to take on the T-3000. And in Dark Fate, Sarah and Grace are battle-hardened warriors unafraid to take on the Rev-9. As a result, the sense of danger is largely gone. The underdogs are no longer underdogs.

There are many ways for the Terminator series to make the terminators frightening again, but I think one important lesson is to take inspiration from, of all places, 1993’s Jurassic Park: the park’s game warden, Robert Muldoon was a big-game hunter armed with shotguns and decades of hunting experience, but even he was scared of facing velociraptors, only doing so when he had to. If the Terminator franchise gives its protagonists and robotic killers the same relationship, that can help restore the sense of danger and terror that’s faded since 1991… that, and stopping the terminators from just throwing everyone around instead of snapping necks and punching out hearts.

What We Can Learn From The Resident Evil Series: A Summary

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Imagine that the year is 2001, and you’re off to see Peter Jackson’s adaptation of JRR Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. You love the books and can’t wait to see them brought to life on the big screen! You get your popcorn, take your seat, eagerly wait as the lights go down… and then watch a movie that follows a bunch of characters you’ve never heard of as they infiltrate a fortress never mentioned in the books. None of Tolkien’s characters appear, and while a few monsters do menace the heroes (orcs, uruk-hai, and a warg), the story ultimately has nothing to do with his books.

How would you feel after the movie was over? Probably infuriated that you got something that has a passing resembles its source material but is more interested in showcasing the writer’s own ideas than the story you paid to see. That’s what the Resident Evil films feel like: a series of movies that had a mountain of material to take inspiration from, but chose to go its own way for better or worse. And while the films were critical failures, they were financial successes, going on to become – for a time – the most successful live-action video game movie franchise, and the most financially successful horror film series in history.

But no matter their financial and critical success, the Resident Evil films were always destined to be B movies meant to provide lots of action and thrills with little to no philosophical musings about the human condition or discussions of morality. And by that criteria, the films largely delivered on what they set out to do, thanks to three things:

1. All the films have simple stories with clear, achievable goals for the characters.

2. They take the basic idea of the games (zombies get lose and have to be stopped before they infest the world) and expand on it (zombies get lose, take over the world, and have to be stopped before the human race is wiped out) in a way that feels true to the spirit of the series, allowing fans to see characters and monsters from said games in new and unique scenarios.

3. They have lots of unique action sequences featuring monsters and characters from the games, sometimes re-created shot for shot.

Yet, for all their success, the films don’t quite reach the height of what they could have been; they suffer from an overarching story that feels disjointed and held together with staples, duct-tape, and Elmer’s school glue when viewed back to back, due to said story being made up film-by-film as the series went along. And while all the elements for great action movies are present, the biggest obstacle holding the films back boils down to one thing: Alice, the main character.

For all the anecdotes listed above, the Resident Evil films have another, unofficial distinction: they’re the most expensive fan-fiction story of all time in that they follow an original character throughout her adventures in the Resident Evil universe. And like poorly-written fan-fiction, said character is a black hole sue whom the entire universe revolves around. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is either:

1. Trying to kill or capture her.

2. Taking orders from her or trying to save her, often at great risk to themselves.

3. Admiring how awesome she is.

Furthermore, Alice is extra-special in-universe because she’s one of only two people in the world to successfully bond with the T-virus without any side effect, the other being Angela from the second film. But then Alice gets a one-up on Angela by becoming the only person on Earth to get psychic powers, and then she gets an army of clones who also has psychic powers, and then she defeats the Umbrella corporation and saves the human race from extinction, sacrificing her life in the process, only to return to life, making her a modern-day Jesus (if Jesus went around killing zombies with guns and psychic powers, that is).

But did you notice something about that description? The established characters from the games – Jill Valentine, Chris Redfield, Claire Redfield, Carlos, Albert Wesker, etc. – have almost no part to play in the fight for humanity. While they may shoot guns and kill zombies, they’re reduced to supporting characters, only existing to help Alice accomplish her quest. If they get a moment to do something cool that has nothing to do with Alice, she’ll swoop in and steal that moment (see: Jill trying to save Becky, Claire trying to defeat the Axeman, etc.).

While she has her sympathetic moments, and ultimately goes from being an unlikable jerk to a heroic clone trying to save the human race, there’s no escaping the fact that Alice is the biggest problem with the Resident Evil films. If she had been replaced with, say, Jill Valentine, and not gotten any special powers, we would have gotten a series that went like this:

Jill Valentine – a cop with the Raccoon City police department – teams up with her allies to fight off a zombie apocalypse, only to learn that their employer, the Umbrella corporation, is responsible for the outbreak. Armed with nothing but guns, their wits, and their determination, Jill, Claire, Chris, Barry, Carlos, Nicholai, Sergei, Leon, Ada, and newcomers Luther, LJ, Rain, Chase, and Betty roam the apocalyptic wastelands, trying to stop Umbrella and save the human race, eventually having to team with their arch-nemesis Albert Wesker in a final, desperate assault that leaves them just narrowly managing to save the human race and destroying Umbrella once and for all, allowing Jill and her friends to begin rebuilding a ruined world.

Doesn’t that sound like a great story? If we had gotten that, it’s my belief that the series would have been better recieved by both fans and critics. But instead, it was foiled by a newcomer who shoves everyone else aside so she can be the messiah. And in that lies the one lesson the ‘Resident Evil’ films offers to writers:

When adapting a franchise from one medium to another, stay true to the spirit of the source material while keeping the focus on established characters instead of newcomers.

While things will inevitably be changed in any adaptation, writers need to still present the story fans come to see. Tell the story from the original book, show, or game, respect said story, and use new ideas and new characters to compliment and support the original, not overshadow it.

Viewing the Resident Evil films years after the series concluded was a fascinating experience for me: I can’t think of any other series adaptation that has good production values, a real sense that the filmmakers were trying hard and learning from their mistakes, but still runs the gauntlet from awful to fantastic (in a B movie way). Most frustrating is that there was always the feeling that the films were always a few inches away from reaching their full potential, and it does happen a few times! Most of the action sequences – save those from the last film – are a lot of fun, the post-apocalyptic world is well done, the monsters are mostly great, and, despite all the changes made, it really does feel like a Resident Evil story come to life… it’s just not the one we should have gotten.

In the end, despite its missteps, the Resident Evil film series mostly accomplishes what it set out to do, in my opinion. It started weak, gradually got better, reached its zenith, then fell flat on its face at the end, but managed to get to its feet and cross the finish line. If you’re a fan of action movies, zombies, horror, and video games, I believe they’re still worth a watch. But most of all, they’re an important reminder that when we, as writers, are adapting someone else’s work, we’re stewards for that story. It is up to us to faithfully adapt it as best we can and respect it, even when we have to make changes. If we deliver a faithful and respectful adaptation, we’ll not only delight long-term fans, but introduce others to a world that they’ll want to explore, guiding them towards the original books, games,and stories, ensuring that a beloved story will earn a new generation of fans and be kept alive for years to come.

What We Can Learn From The Resident Evil Film Series: Part 6 – ‘The Final Chapter’

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It’s the evening of January 26th, 2017. Five years have passed since ‘Resident Evil: Retribution,’ and two friends and I leave the theater, where we were the only people to watch the premiere of ‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.” As we enter the lobby, one of the theater employees asks us how it was. I tell him about the film’s ludicrous mistakes, continuity errors, and how it wants us to care about all the newcomers, like Bearded Man, Blue Shirt Girl, That Guy With The Skull Sword, etc., and how it so desperately wanted me to feel sad when Blue Shirt Girl is chopped into mincemeat via a giant fan, despite the fact that she had been on screen for maybe two minutes and I knew nothing about her.

The longer I talk, I realize just how absurd everything is that’s coming out of my mouth to the point where I laugh at realizing I’ve watched one of the worst films in recent memory. Now, having watched the film for the first time in six years, I’m surprised to find that the passage of time has softened my views and made me realize that ‘The Final Chapter’ isn’t bad: it’s hilariously awful.

Join me now as we take a look at the comedic masterpiece that is ‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter.’

What does the film do well?

It has a cool armored vehicle

Post-apocalyptic films frequently show humanity creating wicked-looking vehicles to help them survive in the wastes, and ‘The Final Chapter’ features a particularly cool mobile command tank equipped with missile launchers, miniguns, hidden compartments for storing motorcycles, nasty spikes, and the ability to communicate with Umbrella headquarters. Granted, all this firepower can’t kill someone driving away from it in a straight line, but it’s still a cool design that almost single-handily destroys the tower Claire and her fellow survivors have taken in, and is a worthy adversary for them to take on in a fight.

It has two memorable villains

Despite being sliced to bits in ‘Extinction,’ we get not one, but two Dr. Issacs in ‘The Final Chapter’: One is a clone who’s an insane religious fanatic, and the other is is the original Issacs, the calm, collected CEO of Umbrella ultimately responsible for the T-virus outbreak, making him the main villain of the entire saga… and unlike other greedy CEO’s, he’s a shockingly good fighter who can hold his own against Alice thanks to some nifty implanted computer technology that lets him dodge bullets, predict what his opponent is going to do, and even heal him after a grenade blasts out his torso, and would have killed her if she hadn’t used her wits to win.

It has the triple-barreled shotgun from the video games

The post-apocalyptic world is a great place to utilize awesome weapons, and what’s better than a sawed-off shotgun? A sawed-off shotgun with three barrels! It may not survive past the movie’s halfway point, but it’s still a cool gun that gets a decent amount of use.

It goes back to where the saga started

‘The Final Chapter’ takes place almost entirely within Raccoon City and the Hive, the locations of the first two movies. For the final film in the series, coming back to where the story began not only gives the story a chance to revisit old locations and reveal new areas within them (such as the cryogenic chamber and that sweet office located beneath the Hive), but to also let the audience reflect on how much has happened since Alice woke up in that shower stall so many years ago, and how she’s changed since her quest to destroy Umbrella began.

It brings back one of the characters from the previous films

Aside from Alice, Wesker, and Issacs, the only returning character from the previous films is Claire Redfield, who is now the leader of the survivors based in Raccoon City. She may not have much to do other than run, shoot guns, and accompany Alice into the Hive, but it’s nice that Alice gets at least one ally from the previous films to help her out, including helping her take on Issacs at the climax.

It gives the Umbrella Corporation a clever motive for everything they’ve done

The biggest revelation of ‘The Final Chapter’ is that instead of the viral outbreak being the result of corporate sabotage and greed, the outbreak was done on purpose: After realizing that Earth was heading towards global catastrophe due to climate change and societal breakdown, Issacs decided to release the virus to ‘cleanse’ the planet so that Umbrella could repopulate it afterwords.

While it may fall apart upon closer inspection (see the entry below on retcons), this revelation not only shows how cold and heartless the Umbrella corporation really is, but also reveals that Issacs is the main villain of the entire series, a man responsible for the murder of billions of people. And shockingly, the plan is… logical. While it’s a horrific, immoral plan that no sane person would dare go through with, it does make sense on a cold, logical level. The best villain plans are ones where the viewer pauses and wonders if they might have a point, and this revelation is an excellent example.

It concludes the series, yet still has an open ending

Unlike so many other franchises (especially horror) that claim to have final chapters, ‘The Final Chapter’ actually follows through on this promise in a clever way: Alice manages to release the airborne antivirus, which will cover the globe and destroy all the zombies, monsters, and undead, saving humanity. The only problem is that it will take years for this to happen, giving Alice plenty of time to continue roaming the earth and killing monsters.

This is a great example of the ‘And the Adventure Continues’ trope: It concludes the series’ story, but lets our imaginations run wild at all the adventures Alice will have as she roams the world (assuming she isn’t eaten by those three bat-things seconds after the screen cuts to black).

What could have been done better?

It could have edited the film so it didn’t look like a 2000’s music video

Here on Imperfect Glass, the focus is primarily on story and characters instead of production values and the physical aspects of filmmaking, but I’ll make an exception to say that the editing on ‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter’ is awful.

If there was ever a film to showcase why ultra-fast editing with handheld camera shots should be permanently done away with, ‘The Final Chapter’ is it.

It could have not made so many retcons (that don’t work)

Beyond the awful editing, ‘The Final Chapter’ is most notable for featuring numerous retcons that alter the saga’s storyline all the way back to the first movie. While retcons are not a bad thing in and of themselves and can add new and exciting ideas to enhance past events, none of ‘The Final Chapter’s retcons work. At all.

1. In ‘Retribution,’ the Red Queen had taken over Umbrella, gone homicidal, and wanted to wipe out all life on Earth. But in ‘The Final Chapter,’ she still works for Umbrella and wants to help Alice save the last remaining human survivors by bringing Umbrella down.

2. The Red Queen states that she cannot harm an employee of the Umbrella Corporation, forgetting that she killed everyone in the Hive in the first movie. (maybe they were independent contractors?)

3. In ‘Retribution,’ Wesker made it clear that he broke Alice out of Umbrella Prime in order to give her back her psychic powers so she could help him defeat the Red Queen and save humanity. But in this movie, the Red Queen tells Alice that Wesker only pretended to give Alice back her powers, and that his plan was actually a trap in order to kill her and everyone else.

This plan makes no sense. If Wesker really wanted to kill Alice and everyone else who could stop him, then here’s what he needed to do:

-Go with his strike team to Umbrella Prime.

-Plant the explosives and follow team into Umbrella Prime.

-At the first opportunity, abandon the strike team and head back to the surface.

-Detonate the explosives to destroy the facility and kill everyone in it, including Alice.

-Head back to the Hive, enjoy alcoholic beverages, and play Mario Kart 64 to pass the time while waiting for the T-virus to finish wiping out all life on Earth.

4. The aforementioned retcon of Umbrella purposefully releasing the T-virus is a great idea… but the first film clearly shows that it was released in the Hive as an act of sabotage, and subsequently released into the open by idiotic Umbrella operatives. ‘Extinction’ showed that Umbrella was trying to find a way to control the zombies and stop the outbreak instead of just waiting for the virus to do its thing, ‘Afterlife’ had Umbrella kidnapping survivors to use them as test subjects to make even more powerful zombies, and ‘Retribution’ had the Red Queen-controlled corporation trying to wipe out all life on Earth (despite the Red Queen wanting to save humanity).

To be generous, it is possible that while Umbrella high command knew of the plan, their underlings and armies of clones didn’t and were trying to contain and control it, but why make all those clones in the first place? And why would Issacs make not one, but two clones of himself? And if Wesker is part of Umbrella high command, why would he stay awake for the apocalypse and run around instead of staying asleep with everyone else? Wouldn’t Issacs have wanted to keep him under instead of risking Wesker betraying him?

5. The second film established that Charles Ashford created the virus to save his little girl from dying, but this film says that it was actually a man named James Marcus who discovered it to save his daughter from dying. So who was it that ultimately created the T-Virus?

6. Alice says that the US government nuked Raccoon City when it was clearly the Umbrella Corporation that fired the nuke in an attempt to keep the virus under control (and again, if they had purposefully released the virus, why bother trying to contain it?).

7. It’s stated that the T-virus is airborne and infected the world in days after escaping Raccoon City… but at the end of the film, it’s said that it will take the antivirus years to spread to every corner of the globe via the same method. Yes, it traveled faster with jet planes, but it’s still airborne. Furthermore, it’s been established in every film so far that the T-virus is spread via bites from the undead; if the T-Virus is airborne, everyone in the series should have been infected by the end of the second movie and turned into zombies.

It could have brought back the characters from the cliffhanger ending of the last movie and removed all the new ones

Arguably the most exciting idea from the end of ‘Retribution’ was the thought that Wesker, Alice, Leon, Jill, and Ada would join forces to save humanity in ‘The Final Chapter’ after an awesome fight at the White House.

It doesn’t happen, and the battle we want to see is already over when the film starts. Like ‘Alien 3’ and ‘Terminator: Dark Fate,’ which both killed off some of their most important characters in the opening minutes, ‘The Final Chapter’ kills Leon, Jill, and Ada (and presumably, Becky) before ‘The Final Chapter’ even starts. They’re never seen, never mentioned, and Alice doesn’t even mourn Becky, who she fought so hard to save in ‘Retribution.’

Now, while killing off beloved side characters can and often is a bad idea, it can work: Focusing a story entirely on the main character and their attempts to overcome grief and loss while trying to save others is a powerful story idea and give us even more reasons for us to care for them. That could have worked with ‘The Final Chapter,’ had it focused mainly on Alice. Problem is, the film introduces a horde of new characters to work with Alice, and none of them are memorable. We have:

1. Doc, the group’s medic, Claire’s boyfriend, and a traitor who works for Umbrella

2. Post Apocalyptic Leather Guy Who Hates Everyone And Has A Goofy Skull Sword

3. Blue-Shirt Girl

4. Bearded Guy Who Never Talks

5. Guy From Issac’s Tank

6. That Other Guy

The climax of a story is not the place to introduce hordes of new characters: You don’t have time to do it well enough to get the audience to care about them, and the purpose of a climax is to see the characters who have gone on a journey reach its end. We’ve invested time following them and want to see how their story ends. Introducing one or two new characters can be pulled off (Denethor from The Return of the King, for example), but writers need to focus on resolving the journey of those who have come this far.

It could have made Wesker the main villain

As if things couldn’t be more disappointing, Wesker, the suave, smug, and oh so fun to watch villain from ‘Afterlife’ and ‘Retribution,’ is butchered in ‘The Final Chapter.’ Instead of being the ultimate bad guy who everyone has to work together to even stand a chance of defeating, he’s an incompetent adversary who spends the movie giving the Red Queen orders, preparing alcoholic drinks like a James Bond villain, and eventually resorts to waking Issacs up to stop Alice, all because Wesker failed to close a door hours before Alice got even close to Raccoon City.

And then there’s Wesker’s death. In the games, it takes Chris Redfield and Sheva Alomar fighting Wesker to the point of exhaustion inside an erupting volcano in Africa before using two rockets to blow off his head while Wesker was submerged waist-deep in lava to finally kill him for good.

In ‘The Final Chapter,’ Wesker bleeds to death after his foot is cut off by a door.

It’s hard to imagine Wesker dying any more pathetically, short of choking to death on a pretzel; as a refresher, Wesker survived getting his brains blown out in ‘Afterlife,’ and then survived an explosion powerful enough to destroy a city-sized subterranean complex. Having him die in such a laughable manner is insulting to the character. To be fair, killing off such a powerful villain is always a hard task, doubly so if writers have had them survive impossible odds in the past. But while a memorable death scene can be the most satisfying moment of a story, a laughable death scene is memorable, too, but for all the wrong reasons.

It could have had a more memorable final boss fight

The finale of ‘The Final Chapter’ has Alice fighting Issacs to get the antivirus, then running to the surface to release it. While it works fine as it is, it would have been more gripping if Issacs had been replaced by Wesker, and their final fight wasn’t in the laser hallway, but something similar to how Wesker is fought and killed in Resident Evil 5. While putting a volcano underneath Raccoon City wouldn’t make sense, having it take place in an area similar to one of the final boss fights of Resident Evil 6 would work equally as well.

Plus, if the film had brought back Chris, it would have been an opportunity for him to punch a boulder into lava. Goofy, yes, but it would have been a guaranteed crowd-pleaser. But most likely for budget reasons, the final fight is a simple fistfight in the laser hallway from the first film. It works, but feels like a missed opportunity.

Conclusion

Even now, all these years later, it’s still shocking to see how the final chapter of Anderson’s saga fell flat on its face. While it does have some good ideas, and manages to have a good final few minutes, it’s not enough to save the film as a whole. But what about the series as a whole? Join us next time when we examine all six films at once and see what conclusions can be made about the series and the lessons it offers to writers about writing video game movies.