Movies

My 30 Favorite Moments From The Jurassic Park Saga

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Last year marked the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park, one of the most important, and influential movies of the 90’s. With stellar performances, a great story, amazing visuals, and a breathtaking musical score, Jurassic Park remains a timeless classic that is as enjoyable and thrilling today. While it would be customary to do a retrospective of the film (albeit, a year late), the recent announcement of an upcoming seventh film gave me the idea to go through the series and list my favorite moments from all six films up to this point.

30. Finding Eric’s Camera

Anyone can relate to parents wanting to save their child from danger, but Jurassic Park 3 has a great scene that emphasizes the fear that the Kirbys have about their missing son. While traveling through Isla Sorna’s jungle, the group finds the parachute that Ben and Eric used for their ill-advised tour, along with Eric’s camera, allowing them to see what happened leading up to the crash. It’s harrowing seeing Eric and Ben’s horror at realizing that they’re going to crash, and moving seeing Amanda clutching Eric’s life preserver, powerless to stop something that already happened.

Then, to make this scene even more harrowing, we get a very effective jump scare of Ben’s decomposing corpse. While the Jurassic series often pushes it’s PG-13 rating, it’s surprising that something this gory made it into the finished film (and inspired a lot of fan theories about what happened to Ben; the current consensus is that he died from internal bleeding due to injuries sustained from the crash and rapidly decomposed in the tropical climate.)

29. Alan!

The Jurassic series has had its ups and downs over the years, and Alan’s dream of a velociraptor talking to him in the third film has been touted as the series’ worst moment. Yet, I’ve always loved it: it’s logical that Alan would have nightmares about what he went through on Isla Nublar, and I love the humor of seeing a dinosaur casually talking to him (complete with its claws holding onto the seat in front of it), and it’s impressive how the filmmakers managed to make the animatronic lip-synch Billy’s voice (its tongue even moves!). It may be a goofy moment, but I like it.

28. Escape From Malta

Leading up to ‘Dominion,’ I had hoped that we would get scenes of dinosaurs running amok in urban areas, but, alas, the Malta sequence is the only part of the film that embraces that idea. Still, it’s not a bad scene, and I especially like the climax, which features Owen racing after Kayla’s plane as it takes off while being pursued by two Atrociraptors. We’ve got a very effective ticking clock (the plane taking off), a dangerous threat (two tireless raptors who can keep pace with a motorcycle), and a clever way of getting rid of them once Owen’s onboard (letting the sliding motorcycle knock the last one out of the plane and into the ocean). Great stuff!

27. To Free or Not To Free

One of the most dramatic moments in any story is the point of no return, a line that, once crossed, is impossible to undo, and ‘Fallen Kingdom’ has a great one: with all the dinosaurs at the Lockwood Estate at risk of being gassed to death, Claire has to choose whether to set them free, or leave them to die. As Owen says, if she pushes the button to free them, there is no turning back. Then, in a subversion, Claire chooses to let them die… only for Maisie to then free them, dooming humanity to having to live with carnivorous dinosaurs running about and eating people, cementing her as the greatest force of evil in the Jurassic universe.

‘Fallen Kingdom’ is admirable for willing to break the saga’s status quo, but this moment is the one that truly separates the ‘Escaping from a dinosaur infested island’ era from ‘Dinosaurs running amok all over the planet’ era in a way that cannot be undone, and the film’s to be commended for having the courage to go through with it.

26. Return to the Visitor’s Center

Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate how Jurassic World does its own thing instead of trying to be a remake of Jurassic Park, a rarity in all the legacy sequels we’ve gotten over the past several years. But there’s a moment where Zach and Grey come across the ruins of the original visitor center from the first film, and what follows is a nostalgia-filled trip back through time as they go through the rotunda, the dining room, and then come across those famous goggles and the very same jeeps that Alan and co. rode in when they first arrived at the island.

While this scene may be fan service, it’s fan service with a point, giving the kids a way to get back to the main park. And as someone who was only seven when the first movie came out, I had a lump in my throat going back to where it all started. World set out to tell its own story, but it didn’t forget what came before, and that it’s okay to visit the past every now and then.

25. The Indominus Rex Breaks Out Of Its Paddock

When introducing a new villain, any story has to give them a big moment to prove how dangerous they are. Jurassic Park had Rexy breaking out of her pen, destroying a car, and eating a lawyer. Jurassic Park 3 had the Spinosaurus tear a plane to shreds and kill a T-Rex, and Jurassic World’s introduction to the Indominus showcases not only its strength and power, but its intelligence: it not only lured people into its pen by making them believe she escaped, but also deliberately waited to eat the security guard, so as to let him realize how he was already dead and couldn’t do anything about it. Even better is that we get to see Owen’s resourcefulness is by having him douse himself with motor oil to make the Indominus find him unappetizing, cementing his status as a smart, no-nonsense guy, and a worthy heir to Alan Grant as a dinosaur expert/action hero.

While this scene does have quite a few lapses in logic, it’s a memorable introduction to the series’ newest apex predator.

24. Claire Escapes The Therizinosaurus

When compared to the first, second, and even third films, the Jurassic World trilogy was light on horror, especially Dominion. But this scene more than makes up for it, where Claire comes face to face with the Therizinosaurus, a truly bizarre dinosaur that looks like the offspring of Freddy Kruger and a demented ostrich. Half-blind and hyper-violent, this plant eater acts like a slasher villain, slowly and methodically walking after Claire as she scrambles to reach safety, knowing full well that if the thing catches up to her, she’s dead. Unfolding without any dialogue, and scored by a haunting drone, this is chilling stuff.

23. Indominus Rex vs Ingen Soldiers

Despite the series as a whole being about the conflict of man vs dinosaur, the Jurassic series has surprisingly few scenes of humans actually fighting dinosaurs. Taking inspiration from ‘Aliens,’ this scene showcases how such an encounter might go, and while things would have gone differently if the soldiers had rocket launchers, high-caliber rifles, and the like, it still shows us just how dangerous the Indominus is; so much so that, after this scene, the goal is no longer to contain the beast, but to evacuate the park before it can kill anyone else.

22. The Raptor Jump Scare

In my opinion, this is the best jump scare in the Jurassic series. By showing Sarah looking outside the shed and not seeing anything, you expect that it’s safe for Kelly to get out of the shed… only for a raptor to nosedive into the hole seconds later. I still remember jumping in my seat when that happened, along with most of the audience!

21. The Ringtone of Doom

I’ve written before how much I love this scene, and it remains Jurassic Park 3’s most clever moment: by having Eric hear the jingle from his dad’s phone, he thinks his parents are nearby, and turns out to be right, leading to the two groups being reunited, only to realize that no one has the satellite phone… at which point it goes off again, revealing that the phone is inside the Spinosaurus’ stomach, and that said beast is patiently watching the reunion.

This is a brilliant moment because at this point the audience has forgotten about the satellite phone and thinks that Paul Kirby still has it, only to realize with the others that he doesn’t. Having the jingle be so cheerful happy and uplifting also creates a funny contrast to the dire situation, making it the icing on a great scene.

20. The Spinosaurus Destroys the Plane

Built up as the new super-predator of the franchise and successor to the T-Rex, the Spinosaurus needed to make a big first impression, and boy did it ever. Not only does it frighten off two battle-hardened mercenaries (and their booking agent), but it survives being rammed by a plane, and then tears the plane apart like it was made out of cardboard, forcing Alan and the others to run for their lives. It’s a great introduction to the power and strength this beast has, and shows the audience that this newcomer is just as fearsome as the rexes who came before it.

19. Retrieving the Bone Sample

One thing I wish the Jurassic series did more often was lean heavily into the horror angle of humans trying to escape dinosaurs, something that primarily happens only in the first film. Fallen Kingdom comes close, though, with an opening scene that’s not only a great way to start the movie, but also is an effective mini-horror film in its own right. Not only is it … *groan* … a dark and stormy night, but the deaths are so unnerving. Not only do we not see the submarine crew’s deaths, leaving the horrifying details to our imagination (according to the junior novelization, the submarine was swallowed, meaning they were going to die screaming in the Mosasaurus‘ stomach), but then the radio operator, who just narrowly avoided being left behind to die, then gets eaten alive by the Mosasaurus, too. These deaths prey on our primal fears of being eaten, and very well to boot.

18. The Dying Apatosaur

For a series focused on dinosaurs attempting to eat humans, and humans trying not to be eaten, there aren’t many moments of the two interacting that doesn’t involve violence. This is one of the more touching moments, if a sad one; as any pet owner can attest, when an animal is hurt, you just want to help it, even if all you can do is just be with it as it dies, as Owen and Claire do, and in the process, Claire realizes that the dinosaurs in the park aren’t just attractions to be used for profit, but living beings, starting her journey from a typical money-focused executive to dinosaur advocate.

17. The Boat Attack

While the actual climax of Jurassic Park 3 is… not as exciting as it should have been, there’s no denying that the boat attack scene beforehand is a great way to wrap things up: having a battle on a boat during a storm at night was a nice chance of scenery from the visitor center of the first film and the San Diego chase in the second. The tension of Alan trying to call Ellie is great, and Paul Kirby gets his chance to shine by risking his life to draw the Spinosaurus away from everyone else, letting Grant drive it away via a flare gun, nicely echoing how he distracted Rexy with a flare in the first film. The whole scene is arguably ‘3’s best scene, and a good way to wrap things up and send the Spinosaurus off in style.

16. Nighttime Visitor in San Diego

Like so many others, I had high hopes that Dominion would have dinosaurs roaming through forests, parks, and neighborhoods, where panicked ordinary people would fight to survive against prehistoric predators. What I didn’t know is that the the scene of the Bull T-Rex wandering through a neighborhood at night was the best we were ever going to get.

There’s something so eerie about seeing this enormous dinosaur walking through the empty, silent streets, and it’s easy to imagine the terror of someone going out for a late-night walk, only to come face to face with this thing and not knowing what to do. And then we get to see an ordinary family dealing with a dinosaur in their backyard with shock, disbelief, and screams of terror.

While the Rex’s subsequent rampage through the streets of San Diego is fantastic, I prefer this scene for its more intimate, quiet, and intense atmosphere, and how it serves as a bittersweet reminder of what Dominion could have been.

15. The Death of the Brachiosaurus

If you want to get the tear ducts flowing in a story, kill off a beloved animal. Nowhere is that more true than this, the saddest scene in the entire Jurassic series, and the only time I almost cried. After the exhilaration of seeing Claire, Owen, and Franklin managing to escape Nublar before it’s engulfed in lava, we’re suddenly hit with seeing a Brachiosaurus arriving at the docks just a minute too late. What makes it worse is that she clearly knows that humans are friendly, and all but begs for them to come back and save her before she’s engulfed in smoke and fire. And to twist the knife in as deeply as possible, ‘Kingdom’s director, J.A. Boynetta, confirmed that this is the exact same Brachiosaurus Alan, Ellie, and Ian saw when they arrived on the island in 1993. She was the first dinosaur we ever saw, and now she’s the last one we see as Isla Nublar is destroyed. She was there for the beginning of Jurassic Park, and the was there for its end, in the saddest possible way

14. Jurassic Park’s Ending

After all the action, the horror, and the struggle to survive, Jurassic Park ends not with a bang, but with a quiet, thoughtful scene of everyone in the helicopter as it flies away to safety. Not a word is spoken, yet so much is said: Hammond reflects on the death of his dream, Alan realizes that he doesn’t dislike kids anymore, and then, looking out on the pelicans outside the helicopter, the film reminds us that, even though dinosaurs don’t belong in our world, their descendants live on, all backed by a wonderfully quiet, almost lullaby-like piece of music by John Williams, and a flight into the sunset. A perfect ending to a near perfect film.

13. Alan, Ellie, and Ian Reunite

In a movie filled to the brim with dinosaurs, it’s surprising to me how one of my favorite scenes in Dominion is when Ian, Alan, and Ellie reunite for the first time in almost thirty years. As a kid who fell in love with the original movie back in the day, seeing these three again is like reuniting with friends you haven’t seen for decades, and discovering that they still get along well and are as charismatic and charming as ever. And it’s amazing to think that this, to my knowledge, the ONLY time in a theatrically released legacy sequel where all of the original protagonists come back, are played by the same actors, and share the screen at the same time, something that the Matrix, Indiana Jones, and even Star Wars series couldn’t pull off.

12. Hammond Realizes that his Dream is Dead

Jurassic Park is full of scenes that you don’t care about when you’re a kid, but that hit much harder when you’re an adult. Remembering Petticoat lane is one of them, and arguably hits the hardest, as it’s Hammond’s turning point in the story. Here, he explains why he made Jurassic Park in the first place, and in the process shows who he really is as a person: Someone who isn’t interested in money, but a dream, and who still believes it can work despite everything that’s happened. But then Ellie points out that despite all the technological marvels at John’s command, the park has still failed and people are dying as a result. The resulting silence from John – done so beautifully by Richard Attenborough – sells that no matter how badly he doesn’t want to believe it, he realizes that Ellie is right: his dream isn’t going to work, and people are dying because of his mistakes. This is the moment that John’s dream truly dies… and he turns away from trying to save it, and focuses only on saving as many lives as he can.

This is, in my opinion, one of the most moving scenes in the entire series, and one of its best character moments, all set to a beautifully bittersweet lullaby courtesy of John Williams.

11. Hammond’s Dream Comes True

What if Jurassic Park was a success? It’s an idea that fans tossed about for years after the first movie was released, and World lets us see exactly how it would turn out, and it’s a blast! Seeing the park fully operational, the visitor’s center being open, the getting a brief glimpse of Rexy eating a goat, kids playing with baby dinosaurs, and above all, showing everyone having a wonderful time is a heartwarming way to show that John Hammond’s dream did come true, and it was everyone he could have hoped it to be… even if it’s not going to last.

10. Roland Tembo vs the Bull

Though it takes a while for him to appear, Roland Tembo establishes in his very first scene that he’s a no-nonsense, experienced hunter who has faced the most dangerous beasts nature has to offer. But it isn’t until late in The Lost World that Tembo truly demonstrates that experience with the bull T-Rex. Alone, and wielding only a tranquilizer gun, he demonstrates how he has nerves of titanium as he shoots the bull, then calmly backs away while reloading as a very pissed off dinosaur starts after him. If I was going onto a dinosaur-infested island and had to choose only one person to take with me, Tembo would be my man.

9. Hearing the T-Rexes roar

As an 11 year old kid, I was the perfect age to go see The Lost World in theaters, which I did with my friends after celebrating my 11th birthday (complete with Lost World-themed paper plates, cups, and the like), and the one thing I was looking forward to most was seeing the T-rex again. And just like the first film, The Lost World takes its time before revealing the island’s apex predator, letting us stew in anticipation. And then this happens:

I remember freezing up when I heard that roar in theaters and realizing that my favorite dinosaurs were about to show up. As an adult, I still love this scene, and consider it the best ‘oh shit’ moment in the series: we know the T-rexes are coming, and they’re pissed.

8. Attack on the Trailers

Matching the intensity of Rexy’s attack on the cruisers in the first film was always going to be a tall order, but The Lost World lives up to it with two Tyrannosaurs attacking Ian and Co’s (very cool) trailer. But the Rexes aren’t attacking with the mindless determination of animals wanting food: the Rexes are attacking the trailers as payback for Ian and his companions seemingly kidnapping their child. The dinosaurs effortlessly overturn the back half and then shove the trailers off a cliff, showing how even humanity’s most advanced machines and vehicles are no match for the destructive might of two of nature’s most terrifying predators. Then, after Eddy’s heroic efforts to save his friends, they come back and kill him in the goriest death in the series, capping off one of the most intense and nail-biting scenes in the franchise.

7. Hammond Says Goodbye to Jurassic Park

As a kid, you love Jurassic Park for the dinosaurs. When you’re an adult, you still love the dinosaurs, but you also learn to love the human characters and their journeys, and none of them have a stronger journey than Hammond. He starts out as a cheerful, good-natured, and naive businessman before realizing that his dream was never going to work, and that people have died because of it. While he’s wise enough to accept this and work to save as many lives as he can, the end of Hammond’s journey is, for me, the saddest moment in the film, and the series as a whole: On the precipice of being evacuated to safety, John stops to look back at the park he’s spent so many years creating. And like his realization that it wasn’t going to work after talking with Ellie, Richard Attenborough conveys Hammond’s regret, heartache, and grief without a single word, all backed up by John William’s beautifully bittersweet music, and the quiet call of the Brachiosaurus. It’s so wonderfully, beautifully heartbreaking.

6. The Philosophical Discussions about the Park

Much has been written over the years about the World trilogy’s attempt to engage in philosophical discussions about the ethics of breeding dinosaurs and playing god, but those efforts were doomed to fail. Why? Because the first film has the best philosophical debate about those issues. Up to this point, everyone is still in awe at what they’re seeing at Isla Nublar, yet there are hints everywhere that not everything is as perfect as it appears: from Grant and Co. escaping from the science ride, to Ian pointing out that life cannot be controlled, and how the raptors are more intelligent than they should be. Then comes lunch, where Hammond’s endless enthusiasm and eagerness to open a park full of dinosaurs for people everywhere to enjoy, runs into its first real test as Ian, Ellie, and Grant make excellent points that maybe this isn’t such a great idea, and that it might not have been better to do it in the first place… and with the benefit of hindsight, we see how all of them are right.

One other reason I like this scene so much when watching it with adult eyes is Hammond telling Gennaro that everyone in the world has the right to enjoy seeing the dinosaurs. This solidifies that he is not a greedy man who only wants money, but to really share something wonderful with others. If only we had more entrepreneurs and CEO’s like that in both fiction and real life.

5. Two Generations Against the Giganotosaurus

One of the biggest draws of Dominion, was seeing two generations of Jurassic survivors meeting each other, and it lives up to the hype. And unlike so many other ‘two generations meet’ scenes in other legacy sequels, there’s no competition or competing with each other: Both the Park and World generations get along just fine, and their first scene after meeting each other for the first time is to team up to survive being stalked by the Giganotosaurus. Everyone gets a moment to shine, from Owen and Claire getting into hand-to-claw combat with the Giga, to Alan pulling Ian to safety, and Ian facing the beast head-on to buy the others time to break into the outpost. Dominion may not be that great of a film, but this scene is so much fun.

4. Rexy’s Breakout

From the moment Hammond gleefully tells Alan and Ellie that Jurassic Park has a T-rex, the audience is left waiting for it’s appearance; if a Brachiosaurus is brought back to life so beautifully on screen, how will the T-rex be handled? We have to wait for that moment to arrive, but the buildup is never frustrating or annoying, and the closer we get to the rex’s appearance, the more excited we become. And then, when we finally see the poor goat, we know the moment’s here, and the film doesn’t disappoint: if the introduction of the Brachiosaurus inspired awe and wonder, than Rexy (the name given to the Rex by the fandom at large) inspires terror and fear at seeing one of the most powerful animals to ever live walking the earth. And her attack on the cruisers is a masterpiece of tight editing, outstanding sound effects, phenomenal CGI, and a complete lack of music, showing us what would would really happen if humans came face to face with such a dangerous animal.

Even now, over thirty years after it was released, the scene is as powerful now as it was then; Rexy’s breakout is the scariest scene in the franchise, one of the greatest film scenes of the 90’s, and arguably one of the greatest dinosaur scenes ever put to film.

3. Rexy vs the Giga

As the climax and supposed end to the Jurassic saga, Dominion needed to go big for its climax, and it doesn’t disappoint, featuring a showdown between Rexy and the Giga in Biosyn’s courtyard surrounded by a forest fire, while the two generations of survivors try to escape and get to safety.

While this finale is similar to the climax of World, we have the added bonus of seeing Alan, Ellie, and Ian in action once again (love that shot of the three of them standing before the Giga), and what’s at stake: If they all fail to escape with Dr. Wu, any hope of stopping the locusts are lost, which means that they will eat the world’s wheat, leading to mass starvation across the globe. But they make it, the Giga is defeated, and Rexy, having fought her last battle, is allowed to finally retire and live out her days in peace in the Biosyn sanctuary. Yes, there are some issues with the scene (the camera work isn’t the best), the Spinosaurus doesn’t show up like many fans wanted it to, and the Giga doesn’t deserve the death it gets, but gosh dangit, I’m a sucker for dinosaur vs. dinosaur fights, and seeing Jurassic’s longest-lasting dinosaur, three of its best characters, and the spectacular arena all at once still makes this a fun scene.

Plus, as an added bonus, the film solidifies that while Rexy may be old (at this point in the films she’s 34, where the oldest known T-Rex in real life was 30), she can still win fights against younger, stronger opponents by using her wits and cleverness instead of brute strength and speed.

2. Rexy vs the Indominus Rex

When we’re kids, we all have our favorite characters from books and movies, and one of the greatest pleasures in life is having those same characters come back when we’re adults and be as awesome as they ever were. Jurassic World has one such moment near the climax, where Claire has run out of options to stop the Indominus Rex: soldiers didn’t work; a helicopter assault didn’t work. Trained velociraptors didn’t work, and now she has only one, final, desperate option… releasing Jurassic World’s T-Rex. And this isn’t some random T-Rex; this is Rexy, the same T-Rex from the first film, coming back after 22 years to save the day once again.

There are scarier moments in the Jurassic series, more majestic moments, and more moving moments. But none of them are as fun as this; The last time I had seen Rexy, I had been in grade school. Since then, I had gone through grade school, high school, and graduated from college, and as I watched her emerge from the darkness of her paddock to the shouts and cheers of the audience – mine included – all those years just melted away, and for four glorious minutes I was seven years old again, watching my favorite childhood dinosaur saving the day once more, and it. Was. AWESOME.

But what could top this, the most awesome moment of the series? Easy…

1. Welcome to Jurassic Park

29 years. Six movies. Countless video games, and one animated series has produced so many incredible moments in the Jurassic Park franchise, but no scene is as famous, iconic, and above all, awe-inspiring as the moment that started it all… the moment we finally see a dinosaur.

For the very first time, we had a photo-realistic, computer-generated animal on screen, and it is completely believable. Not only is the visual effects, music, and acting of this scene great, but it has something more important: the all-consuming awe of seeing something impossibly beautiful, to the point where even Ian, the cynical nihilist, can’t help but smile in wonder, all building to a crescendo when Alan, Ellie, and John see dinosaurs roaming the Earth for the first tine in 66 million years.

Every sequel in the series since has tried to re-capture the awe and wonder of seeing dinosaurs, but nothing can top this, my favorite scene of the Jurassic saga, one of the greatest movie moments of the 90’s, and one of the most famous in cinema history.

For extra fun, here’s a breakdown of all the characters, dinosaurs, locations, and vehicles featured in the list:

Films with the Most Moments:

Characters Who Appear the Most:

Dinosaurs Who Appear The Most:

Movie Environments that Show Up the Most:

Vehicles That Show Up the Most:

The Type of Weather In the Scenes:

The Time of Day in the Scenes:

Comparison of Scenes That Have Dinosaurs vs No Dinosaurs:

Thus, if I were to take the data from these graphs, plug it into an AI script generator, it would probably come out with a story like this:

Alan Grant, Ian Malcom, and Claire Dearing – along with a group of expendable mercenaries – journey into the jungles of Jurassic Park between the events of the first and second film with a fleet of planes carrying a lot of jeeps. While on the island, they have to endure repeated attacks by Brachiosaurs, Apatosaurs, and Parasaurolophus’ as they are stressed out by rampaging Tyrannosaurs, Spinosaurs, and velociraptors. Eventually, the island is engulfed in fire, and Alan, Ian, and Claire escape in a helicopter and decide that it really isn’t worth it to keep coming back to islands filled with dinosaurs.

Let’s Speculate About The Next Jurassic World Film

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Well… That didn’t last long.

For those of you who didn’t follow ‘Jurassic World: Dominion,’ it was set up as the grand finale to the Jurassic Park/World franchise. It was the end of an era, the conclusion of a storyline that had gone on for almost 30 years. It was a big moment, and a chance for Universal to wrap everything, end the story of how man should have made an island filled with cloned condors instead of prehistoric meat-eaters, and let everyone walk into the sunset… and then we got a movie about a cloned girl and some really hungry bugs.

Needless to say, I was… not very happy about that.

Of course, the ‘Jurassic’ series wasn’t going to stay dead and gone, not when each film continuously raked in that sweet, sweet box office money. Yesterday, word broke that, yes, the franchise will continue with a new movie, and screenwriter of the first two films David Koepp is coming back to write the script (which is apparently so far along that the movie could be filmed and out next year). While reports are flip-flopping between if this is a complete reboot of the series, or a continuation from ‘Dominion,’ all of them say that Chris Pratt and other ‘World’ trilogy characters aren’t coming back, and neither are the trio from the original film (which is a shame; their chemistry and charisma were one of ‘Dominion’s highlights). Either way, this new film is apparently intended as a fresh start. But what’s that start going to look like?

My track record of trying to guess the story of upcoming blockbusters is… not good at all, but hey, why not give it another try?

So, what do we know about the next film? Aside from it not having any returning characters… well, nothing. But I think one thing the film won’t do is try to up the stakes: Before it came out, many – including myself – thought that ‘Dominion’ would focus on if dinosaurs or humans were going to end up having dominion over the planet. It… didn’t, but to be fair, a world-wide famine that could lead to the end of civilization as we know it is a pretty big threat. So where do you go from such a big threat, storywise? Two options come to mind:

1. Up the stakes and have the world be at risk again from an even bigger threat.

2. Go for a smaller-scale, self-contained story

Personally, I think option 2 is the smarter choice, as going smaller and more intimate would work better than a globe-trotting adventure is a way for audiences to take a break and recuperate from world-ending stories. And even better, we already have two examples of this formula at work: ‘Battle at Big Rock’ and the prologue to ‘Dominion’

Both shorts work beautifully as stand-alone mini adventures that only require a basic knowledge of other films in the series. The smaller scope lets the story and the viewer focus more on the characters and their journeys instead of a cast of dozens with CGI action scenes every few minutes. That, I think, is the smart path for Jurassic 5 to take… but there’s one path in particular that would satisfy long-time fans of the series like myself, and those who want a clean break. What’s this path? Well, it involves two old friends who haven’t been seen for years: Tim and Lex Murphy.

Imagine the scene: It’s a few years after the events of ‘Dominion’ and dinosaurs continue to spread across the Earth. Tim and Lex are now all grown up with families of their own, and one weekend they all meet up at a remote camp for a family reunion where they catch up and have some fun together. But wouldn’t you know it, those pesky dinosaurs decide to ruin everything, trapping Tim, Lex, and their families at this remote location. Now, far from help and without any weapons that can kill the dinosaurs, Tim and Lex have to once again face the creatures that almost killed them as children in order to save their own children, using only their wits and quick-thinking against prehistoric predators who want them for dinner.

I think this is the perfect path for the ‘Jurassic’ saga to go: You get a small-scale story that has a minimal connection to what has come before (allowing for a soft reboot) while also bringing back two fan-favorite characters to once again run away from dinosaurs, and revisit the sci-fi horror atmosphere of the first film. If Universal can do something those lines, it can be a satisfying palette cleanser to wash away all those hungry bugs and help the series go in a good direction… or Universal could take inspiration from Jason Vorhees, and send the dinosaurs to outer space. That’d probably doom the series for good, but it’d be pretty awesome, too.

The Best Background Characters: Palpatine’s Elite Guard Who Is The Worst Shot in Star Wars History

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Every story has a cast of characters that we follow and watch and come to love… but what about the background characters? The nameless masses who rarely get our attention? This column examines my favorite background characters who deserve a moment in the spotlight.

The Movie:

‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’

The Character:

One of Palpatine’s royal guards who is the worst shot in Star Wars History

The Scene:

Why He Deserves A Moment In The Spotlight

A few years ago, I highlighted how one of Snoke’s elite guards fought Kylo Ren by… ramming his armored forearms into Kylo’s lightsaber, accomplishing nothing before being killed. At the time, I thought he was Star Wars’ silliest antagonist, but I recently discovered that there’s another royal guard in a galaxy far, far away who is even sillier. In ‘The Rise of Skywalker,’ Rey takes on Palpatine’s elite guards, the Sovereign Protectors, the cream of the crop of the Final Order, warriors who’s only purpose in life is to defend their emperor to the death, and at this they fail miserably, dying within seconds to a barely-trained girl with a glowy stick of death, rendering a lifetime of Sith indoctrination and training utterly meaningless.

But among their number, there is one guard who’s sheer ineptitude is the stuff of legend. A guard so legendarily bad that his name will be passed down from generation to generation on how not to protect psychotic zombie emperors from beyond the stars… Ceiling Shooting Guy.

At 0:08 in the clip above, a guard on the far left can be seen heroically shooting his laser gun at the ceiling. Not at Rey, the force-wielder with the lightsaber, but at the ceiling of Palpatine’s chamber. Then he pauses, watches Rey for a moment, and then shoots the ceiling again.

How did this guard get the job? What training did he undergo to become Palpatine’s protector? And why, in the moment he’s spent his entire life preparing for, did he decide to shoot the ceiling of the Sith Temple instead of Palpatine’s attacker?

I just love how this guy ended up in a movie with a $416 million budget, some of which surely went to fight choreography (NSFW captions). And yet, we ended up with a guy who shoots the ceiling. Sweet Yoda, I would love to know why the shot was approved, why the filmmakers thought this was okay to put in the finished cut, and I especially love that someone at ILM had to animate these nonsensical blaster shots. But whatever the reason, I’m glad they kept this shot in, because we got an elite Sovereign Protector who decided the best way to protect his emperor was to shoot the ceiling. Hey, for all we know there was a spider up there.

Favorite Moments: Soy sparrow

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We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

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NOTE: This article contains big spoilers for the climax of ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’

The Movie

‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny’

Spoiler Break

Spoiler Break

Spoiler Break

The Scene

Why it’s great

As I wrote in my last post, re-watching ‘Dial’ after looking at it with a different mindset led me to appreciate it more than I originally did, but one scene that is great from both my first viewing and subsequent one is when Indy meets the legendary Archimedes at the Siege of Syracuse. Not only is it Indy’s greatest dream come true (actually meeting history instead of excavating it), but a wonderful example of two people from two different eras just talking to each other with no hostile intent between the two… and if you turn on the automatic captions for the video, you get a hilarious alternate version where Archimedes and Indy both snorted something before meeting each other. In case the video is ever removed, here’s how the discussion goes.

Indy: It’s him!

Achimedes: A sparrow… they lay with us.

Indy: He’s asking how far we’ve come! (to Archimedes) They all feelings. We’ve come he the hell that’s wrong. But we didn’t expect to meet… zones for sale, Archimedes.

Archimedes: I forget soy pants.

Helena: That dial is a fourth deck it doesn’t take us anywhere!

Indy: He built it to get help.

Helena: Ticket well we just got off the entire Roman Navy so I think we’ve helped enough!

A New Way Of Looking At Indiana Jones And The Dial of Destiny

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(This post contains spoilers for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny)

Like many people, I was disappointed with Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, the official last Indiana Jones film (and with its box office performance, it’s likely to stay that way for a very long time). Going into my local theater the night of its premiere, dressed in my officially licensed fedora, leather jacket, gasmask bag, and beige pants, I was hoping against hope that the film would give Indy one last, glorious adventure that would celebrate his life, his legacy, and let him end his story on a high note. Heck, I even did a post last year theorizing about what might happen.

None of that happened.

Over the course of two and a half hours, my heart steadily sank as I realized that Dial of Destiny was falling into the same trap so many legacy sequels had fallen into over the years: The hero/s of the previous films are now old, tired, and failures, and only a young, smart, strong, and talented newcomer can rejuvenate them (while also setting themselves up to take over the franchise in future sequels). Instead of Indy getting the spotlight, I watched as his goddaughter Helena – an unlikable con artist, thief, and borderline sociopath – became the film’s protagonist, insulting Indy and upstaging him every chance she gets. And then, during the climax of the film – which, to remind you, is the last time we will ever see Harrison Ford as Indy – Helena is the one who saves the day while Indy literally just sits around, and then punches him in the face.

As the film faded to black, and the credits rolled, I stared at the screen, feeling nothing. Had this movie happened several years ago, I would have been crushed at seeing my childhood idol being denied the final adventure he deserved. But after enduring the disappointment of the Star Wars sequel trilogy and Jurassic World: Dominion, it was easy to walk out of the theater into the night with my fedora in hand, drive home, and try to forget that the film ever happened.

But today, a realization came to me: I wanted a story where Indy saves the world from being conquered by the Nazis via time travel. Instead, I got a story where Indy – who has already accomplished more in one life than most people could in a dozen – saves a loved one going down the path of cruelty, selfishness, and greed by being the good angel on her shoulders. A grumpy, none-too-gentle angel, yes, but one that gradually convinces her (and her sidekick Teddy) to take the first steps down a better way of life. And as a reward for everything he’s done, Indy’s given not gold, treasure, or fame, but a treasure greater than anything he’s found: being able to spend the rest of his life with both Marion and Sallah, his best friend, by his side.

Dial of Destiny doesn’t have the story I wanted: it doesn’t feature Indy saving the world, or time-traveling to multiple eras in history, or Indy hanging up his hat at the end, satisfied that he’s stopped the Third Reich for good… but it’s a more intimate, emotional story of a great man in his twilight years saving others from going down the wrong path in life. That, I think, is a story worth telling.

Great Quotes About Writing: Reluctant Heroes

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There are a lot of great quotes about writing out there; these are some of the most insightful, thought-provoking, or ‘ah ha!’ ones I’ve come across.

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“The thing is, if the idea is to make them a reluctant hero, than HAVE them be happy, if they have a happy life than they won’t want to leave. Don’t make it so that they have no life anymore”

-@SergeantDuck69420, on ‘Drinker’s Chasers – Helena Shaw Is The Worst Thing In Indiana Jones‘

I have a lot of thoughts about about the latest Indiana Jones movie, but when reading through the comments on the linked video, the quote above caught my eye for daring to ask a simple question: What if our older heroes of the silver screen (or books, or video games, etc.) are actually happy with their lives instead of being depressed, alone, and feeling like failures? I know I’d like to see Hollywood veer away of making the heroes of my favorite films from the 90’s as gloomy and depressed as possible; in a world as dark as our own, why not dare to show some happiness and contentment for our favorite characters?

10 Great Things About ‘Morbius’

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Okay, so Morbius isn’t the greatest film of all time. While I may hold a soft spot for it, Morbius is – at best – an average superhero origin story that would have been better received back in the early 2000’s; after over a decade of Marvel epics featuring Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-Man, and the Avengers, Morbius never stood a chance, and was instead relegated to being a punchline for many, many jokes.

However, that does not mean that Morbius is entirely devoid of merit: if you put aside all the ironic jokes about the film being a life-changing masterpiece, there are genuinely good things to be found. Thus, in the interest of giving the poor movie a break, here are ten great things about Morbius.

1. Michael Morbius

By far the best part of Morbius is the title character himself: unlike most superheroes who start out as ordinary people, only to level up into people capable of doing great things, Michael Morbius is a subversion of the trope: he starts off as a genius doctor who has helped save millions with his invention of artificial blood, but while trying to cure his own rare disease, he gains superhuman abilities, but only if he consumes the blood of others, and the longer the film goes on, the harder it becomes to resist his increasing bloodlust.

This clash of Michael’s inherent goodness and the evil powers he gains makes him a fascinating character. He wants to do the right thing, but is fighting a losing battle against his darker urges that only grow stronger over time, making Michael a perfect example of bad powers given to good people.

2. Hyper-lethal vampires

There’s been a trend in recent years of depicting cinematic vampires as almost unbeatable killers with super-speed, super-endurance, and super-strength, and Morbius is no exception, giving us vampires so strong, fast, and lethal, that even Spider-Man, Iron Man, and other non-magical heroes would have a difficult time defeating them. Morbius and Milo – in their vampire forms – are capable of taking ordinary people down in the blink of an eye and enduring damage and wounds that would kill anyone a dozen times over, including falling from a skyscraper and smashing through concrete with barely a scratch. These vampires are a serious threat, and I like how fast, lethal, and deadly they are, to the point where it’s possible that Milo or Michael might be able to take on Thanos in a fight.

3. The Boat Battle

While Morbius shies away from showing what would really happen if a bloodthirsty vampire tore people apart in a feral rage, Michael’s first transformation onboard a boat is still a great demonstration of his super-speed, endurance, and how utterly screwed any normal person would be in a fight against him. But even among the carnage, there’s still hints that Michael isn’t a mindless savage: he refrains from attacking his assistant, Martine, while slaughtering the mercenaries on the boat after he thinks they hurt her, foreshadowing their (rather sudden) romance later on.

4. Milo trying to help Michael

Bless its heart, Morbius tries so hard to have lots of emotional moments between its characters, especially Milo and Michael, so that we feel sorry for Milo at his death at the end of the film. Sadly, most of them don’t work, save one early on when Michael is having a breakdown in his lab. Milo comes in to see him and, seeing Michael suffering from the advancing effects of his vampirism, immediately tries to help him, rushing about as best he can in his crippled body. Better yet, he has no ulterior motive or secret desire to become an evil vampire; he’s just a man trying to save his best friend, making this the only character moment that really works.

5. The Subway Fight

It’s not really a fight in that Michael and Milo only exchange a few blows (and it reflects badly on Michael that he just walks away instead of trying to stop Milo from hurting more people), but the subway confrontation has a rather cool long shot of Michael pursues Milo, followed by Milo demonstrating how ordinary people have no chance against him in a fight (complete with a goofy dance and squeaky sneakers), and then ends with Michael learning to fly. As an added bonus, I like how, when Michael and Milo slide to a stop after falling off the escalators, some of the pedestrians don’t even slow down as they walk past them. They’re probably so jaded by superhero battles at this point that they’re like, “Okay, yeah, whatever,” and continue on with their day.

6. The Hallway Kill

Yes, I played it up for humor, but the hallway death of Nurse Sutton is the closest Morbius comes to being a horror film, and it does a good job of it! Sutton is all alone inside this dark hallway in the dead of night, and then sees something moving with inhuman speed further down the hall. Instead of freaking out and running away in a blind panic as the rest of us would, Sutton somehow manages to keep her cool for an impressive amount of time before getting the lights on. She still dies, but the buildup to her death is surprisingly effective, and an excellent example of how you can have a horror scene without any blood, gore, or fancy visual effects. And on a personal note, I love the black and green lighting in this scene. It’s such a cool combination that we don’t get too much of in movies these days.

7. Milo’s dance

It’s become the stuff of internet legend, and like Bully Maguire in Spider-Man 3, Milo’s goofy dance scene is memorable for all the wrong reasons: the easily-misunderstood lyrics that sound like the singer telling us to have sex and that he poops both his pants and his tent (?!), the bizarre zebra-and-arrow wallpaper, the white and black marble styling, and Matt Smith hamming it up for the camera. It’s a perfect storm of goofiness, and it’s easy to see why the internet mocked it relentlessly.

But aside from the jokes, the scene does serve an important purpose: for the first half of the film, Milo is a sick cripple who relies on a cane to get around, and can only move quickly with great effort. But now, after a lifetime of illness, he has a chiseled, healthy body and the ability to do whatever he wants. It’s easy to understand why he is so happy at what he’s become, and all of us would celebrate if we were in his position.

8. The Final Battle

It’s admitingly a bit rushed, but the final battle between Milo and Michael is still a memorable one: half of it takes place in a freefall fight as the two plunge down the side of a half-built skyscraper, slicing, smashing, and hitting things before plunging through at least a hundred feet of rock and concrete before slamming into a half-built subway station, and ending with Michael summoning his bat friends to help him beat back Milo just long enough to deliver the compound that kills him.

What makes this final fight unique, though, is something I didn’t notice until watching it a few times: Michael doesn’t land a single blow against Milo. Not one. Unlike so many climactic superhero beatdowns we’ve gotten over the decades, Milo doesn’t win by getting a heroic second wind, pushing through his pain to save those he loves, or by unlocking some ultimate superpower at the last second. Instead, he uses cunning by summoning his bats to pin Milo before injecting him with the cure to his vampirism. It’s the first time I can remember where a superhero protagonist wins without throwing a punch or landing a single hit.

9. The Ending

Unlike most superhero origin stories where the hero beats the bad guy, accepts his or her fate, and heads off to begin their career, Morbius plays with the formula by having Michael kill his childhood friend before flying off to an uncertain future, the movie smartly leaving it ambiguous on if he’s succumbed to his vampirism or not, leaving the audience to imagine what might happen next, rather than tying everything up and leaving no mysteries for us to mull over. And while the post-credit scene with the Vulture may have been derided, the movie still doesn’t tell us if Michael is now a good guy or an antagonist.

10. The memes!

In the years to come, Morbius will be remembered not for its quality, its story, characters, or its box office numbers, but for the memes and jokes it inspired. Instead of fans gathering online to praise the movie and share their collective love, people decided it’d be pretty funny to praise a mediocre superhero film as if it were the greatest thing the human race has ever made, complete with fake catchphrases (“It’s Morbin’ time!”) and goofy fan videos; these are my favorites:

Like a team of random people showing up to cheer on a bunch of kids at a Little League game, there’s something heartwarming about people elevating a movie that would otherwise be forgotten within a month into a joke that’s arguably more enjoyable than the movie itself. In it’s own way, Morbius has earned cinematic immortality in the veins of Plan 9 From Outer Space, Birdemic, and The Room. It tried to be the next superhero blockbuster and failed, but in the process, morbed its way into our hearts, and for that it deserves a little recognition.

Why Morbius is the greatest film of all time

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April 1rst, 2022 will be remembered as the day when the human race reached its peak, for that was the day when Morbius was released in cinemas worldwide, earning over a trillion dollars within a week and an astonishing 302% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes from both critics and audiences. North and South Korea ended their decades-long feud as border guards abandoned their posts to go watch Morbius; police officers and criminals put aside their differences to sit side-by-by side in theaters, and families depleted their life savings, their children’s college funds, and sold their houses and cars to buy enough tickets so they could see Morbius thousands of times.

I, too, am one of those who fell under Morbius’ spell: ever since the film was released on home media, I have spent 23 ½ hours a day, every day, analyzing Morbius. Existing sorely on Morbius-themed popcorn and Morbius energy drinks, I have pored over every single frame of Morbius, analyzed every word, the camera angles, the use of color and framing, stopping only to sleep for fifteen minutes and spare a few seconds every now and then on other articles for my site. But all my efforts have paid off, as I have concluded that Morbius is the movie of all time, a movie that will still be watched and celebrated hundreds of years from now. The elderly, on their deathbeds, will ask their loved ones to play Morbius again so that they can depart this life watching the living vampire declare, “It’s Morbin’ time!” and children will frolic and play with actors in Morbius and Milo costumes in Morbinland theme parks.

While I will not live long enough to see that joyous future, my work spreading the word of the morb is not yet completed, for there are six people on Earth who think that Morbius is really a mediocre vampire superhero film. Thankfully, I am here to show them the light and prove that Morbius is the greatest film in history by comparing it to the previous greatest film of all time: Citizen Kane. For decades, snobby film critics and the Hollywood elite have beaten into film students and the common folk that Citizen Kane is the greatest film of all time, a most laughable claim if there ever was one, and a claim that I will now show to be 100% false by comparing the two films in several categories, such as the title, poster, plot, main characters, side characters, antagonists, conflict, cinematography, special effects, music, best scene, ending, and cultural impact. You may think this will be no contest, and you’re right: Morbius is going to win by a landslide.

To begin, let’s do a quick summary of both films:

1. Morbius is a 2022 film directed by acclaimed Swedish filmmaker Jorge Daniel Espinosa that follows the saga of a doctor-turned vampire as he struggles to remain his humanity while battling to save New York City from his best friend who has also turned into a vampire.

2. Citizen Kane is a 1941 film directed by a frozen peas spokesperson that follows the saga of why some old dead guy liked a sled so much.

Let the battle begin!

Title:

A movie’s title can sometimes make or break a picture, for it has to grab perspective viewers and give them an idea of what the film is about. Good examples include, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, The Towering Inferno, and Sharknado. Compared to these evocative titles, both Citizen Kane and Morbius are lackluster: Citizen Kane implies that the story is about some citizen named Kane, and Morbius gives no clue what it’s about. But by being similar to ‘morbid,’ it suggests something dark, yet mysterious, resulting in a curiosity that draws people in to find out what it’s about.

Winner: Morbius

Poster:

Citizen Kane’s poster shows some guy looking down at a woman. There’s no hint about what the movie’s about, and the marketing team had to resort to telling us that the movie’s terrific and everyone loves it! But ask any literary agent and they’ll tell you that a great story doesn’t need anyone to tell you it’s terrific, and doing so is a sign that the creators know their work isn’t actually terrific.

Morbius’ poster doesn’t resort to telling you how terrific it is: it shows instead uses a stylish teal and black color scheme, and the image of a man who’s both a man and a snarling man-beast to instantly grab your attention, informs you that a new Marvel legend has arrived, and uses the color red on the title, hinting that whatever is going to happen, there will be blood. Citizen Kane, by comparison, does not have blood, which is why it fails.

Winner: Morbius

Plot:

Citizen Kane’s story follows some reporter named Jerry as he tries to figure out why a dead guy said ‘Rosebud’ just before he died and what kind of man he was. Jerry eventually gives up, never learning what ‘Rosebud’ means. Man, what a loser.

Morbius’ story follows doctor Michael Morbius, a genius doctor who has dedicated his life to helping mankind. One day, while experimenting on a cure for his rare blood condition, he unknowingly transforms himself into a vampire, granting him extraordinary powers, but at the cost of constantly needing human blood. Worse still, his childhood friend, Milo, has also become a vampire. With time running out before he permanently loses his humanity, Morbius must fight to not only stop Milo, but the darkness within.

Winner: Morbius

Main Character:

Citizen Kane’s protagonist is Charles Foster Kane. He was once a nice little kid before becoming really rich and taking over a newspaper and getting an ego the size of a planet and subsequently ruining all the friendships and relationships he ever had before dying alone and reminiscing about a sled.

Morbius’ protagonist is Michael Morbius. Unlike Kane, he is a good man who strives to help those around him, and even when he is turned into a vampire and given extraordinary powers that would allow him to dominate and destroy everyone around him, he refuses to use those powers and tries to get rid of them while simultaneously trying to save his lifelong best friend from the same condition, and a government determined to hunt him down for a murder he didn’t commit. And throughout it all, Morbius constantly tries to do the right thing, no matter the cost to himself, making him not only a hero for our time, but the hero of all time.

Winner: Morbius

Side characters:

Citizen Kane’s side characters are boring. How many of them have become staples in pop culture? Can you name any of them off the top of your head? No? I thought not. Pfffft.

Morbius’ side characters, however, are a complex and wildly interesting bunch. Among them are:

*Morbius’ research assistant, Martine, who’s willing to work with Morbius even after he’s turned into a vampire, and also sacrifices her life to give Morbius the strength he needs to defeat Milo, only to then be resurrected as a vampire herself.

*FBI agent Simon Stroud, a tough, competent, yet fair man who owes his life to Morbius for the artificial blood Morbius invented, which is what allowed him to survive being wounded in Afghanistan. Yet, tragically, he has to hunt down Morbius, seeking to bring him to justice. But unlike so many other fictional, power-hungry or by-the-book agents, Stroud doesn’t compromise his morals to accomplish his goals.

*Alberto Rodriguez, Stroud’s partner, who appears to be nothing more than your typical, bumbling comic-relief sidekick, having no comprehension of feline behavior or how litterboxes work. Yet, he is surprisingly brave and unfazed at the prospect of facing off with a vampire, and shows no fear when the time comes, proving he’s far braver than most mortal men.


*Dr. Emil Nicholas, who helps sick children and acts as a surrogate father to Morbius and Milo, trying to be kind and understanding to both, but unconsciously favoring Morbius, with tragic results.

*Nicque Marina, who only appears a few times as a reporter for the Daily Bugle, who is clearly infatuated with Morbius (making her an audience surrogate for everyone on Earth), but who is dedicated to telling the truth and doing her job.

*Nurse Kristen Sutton, a kind and well-meaning nurse who’s brutal death at Milo’s hands made me cry harder than when Jack turned into a corpsicle in Titanic.

Every face in Morbius, no matter how briefly they may appear, is so memorable that they put every other supporting cast in every movie ever to shame.

Winner: Morbius

Antagonists:

Citizen Kane has only one antagonist: Kane himself, who, while pursing wealth and power, alienates everyone around him and ensures he’ll die alone, the fool.

Morbius faces not only the government during his cinematic journey, but also Milo, his best friend. Though crippled by a rare blood disease that leaves him weak and barely able to walk, Milo is fabulously rich and has helped fund all of Morbius’ work into curing their condition. Yet, when he takes the cure that turns him into a creature of the night, Milo goes on a blood-drenched rampage through the streets of New York City. But despite his viciousness, Milo still genuinely cares about Morbius and wants him to embrace being a vampire, too, so they can be best buddies forever and eventually take over the earth, complete with awesome castles, capes, and being suave, sexy creatures of the night.

Winner: Morbius

Conflict:

Citizen Kane’s conflict revolves around what ‘Rosebud’ means. Can you imagine anything more boring?

Morbius’ conflict centers around Michael Morbius’ desperate attempts to hold onto his humanity after becoming a vampire, while simultaneously trying to stop Milo’s rampage though New York City. Success will mean having to kill his best friend, and failure will mean losing his humanity and leading to the deaths of countless people.

Winner: Morbius

Cinematography:

In the cinematography department, Citizen Kane is surprisingly good, featuring complex camera moves and excellent cinematography with many memorable shots that have stood the test of time.

Unfortunately for Citizen Kane, Morbius’ cinematography is the gold standard for all films forever: besides being in vibrant color instead of boring black and white, Morbius has lots of pretty shots of New York City, highlighting man’s achievement in taming his environment, allowing him to create grand settlements filled with millions of people living peaceful, happy lives. But these shots subtly reminds us that if Morbius doesn’t stop Milo, all of these people will die, giving each shot a subtle menace and dread.

Plus, the film is a masterpiece of a wide and varied color palette, from the 80’s inspired credits, to the white, green, and orange subway, to the aforementioned colorful cityscapes. Plus, thanks to advanced filmmaking techniques, Morbius has many shots of Morbius flying through the sky, fighting Milo in slow motion, and plunging through a half-built skyscraper, shots that the salesman of frozen peas couldn’t even dream of using. And to cap it all off, there’s this awesome shot of a menacing green hallway at night with a vampire hopping around.

Does Citizen Kane have a spooky, green hallway at night with vampires hopping around? Didn’t think so.

Winner: Morbius

Special effects:

Citizen Kane‘s creepy bird is certainly memorable.

Morbius is filled to the brim with breathtaking computer generated images that allow actors Jared Leto and Matt Smith to do feats that are physically impossible, such as displaying enhanced strength, flying through the air, using echolocation, battling through a half-built skyscraper, and even summoning thousands of bats to aid them in battle. Could Charles Kane summon bats to help him battle his enemies on the campaign trail? I think not.

Winner: Morbius

Music:

Can you hum a single tune from Citizen Kane? Yeah, me neither.

Morbius, however, has a swelling, heart-stirring soundtrack, but nothing can top the auditory masterpiece that is ‘Off The Meds’ by EKSE, with it’s timeless, heart-wrenching lyrics:

‘I poop my answer, yes,’

‘Have sex!’

‘Poop my pants’

‘Poop my tent’

Sorry, Bernard Herrmann, but your noble efforts have been morbed!

Winner: Morbius

Best Scene:

To it’s credit, Citizen Kane does have a few memorable scenes that have endured throughout the years, like him talking before a poster of himself, clapping furiously after humiliating his wife like the bastard he is, him whispering, ‘Rosebud’ before dying, and the revelation that Rosebud is a sled.

Trying to pick the best scene from Morbius however, is more difficult than when Hercules embarked on his 12 labors. While I was tempted to go with the now-legendary scene of him saying, “It’s Morbin’ time!” and morbing all over Satan while on top of an erupting volcano, I ultimately chose what will surely be remembered as the greatest scene in movie history: Milo dancing.

Why is this scene the best scene ever? There are many reasons:

1. It has a shirtless Matt Smith doing pushups.

2. The architecture and look of the room, complete with black and white marble, mustard-colored curtains, and ‘color-inverted zebras being shot at by arrows’ wallpaper.

3. The joy of seeing a crippled man finally gaining a perfect, disease-free body and celebrating being able to move pain-free without the need of a walking stick.

4. The music, with its timeless lyrics, such as, ‘I poop my answer, yes,’ ‘Have sex!’ “Poop my pants,’ and ‘poop my tent.’

5. Milo’s dance choreography, which puts every musical ever to shame. Somewhere in the afterlife, Fred Astaire is weeping at both being able to see such talent, and grief that he was not able to live up to Milo’s standards while he was still alive.

There is no competition: Milo dancing is pure cinematic gold. When I one day depart this mortal coil, I want to watch this scene on repeat, with the last words my dying brain ever hears is ‘poop my tent’

Winner: Morbius

Ending:

Citizen Kane ends with Jerry mulling over everything he’s learned about Kane, coming to the conclusion that he doesn’t have a clue what Rosebud means and gives up, presumably to go home and cry while gulping down ice cream to soothe the pain of his failure as both a reporter and a man. And as he’s no doubt eating his way to type two diabetes, we, the audience, see Kane’s belongings being burned, including his beloved sled, Rosebud. That’s kinda sad, I guess.

Morbius ends so heartwrenchingly that I can barely type this without tears staining my keyboard: Despite all his efforts, Morbius is forced kill his greatest friend and end his rampage of destruction before flying off with his bat friends to an unknown future, leaving us to wonder if he has held onto his humanity or given in to his inner vampire… but the mid-credits teaser sequence, in which Morbius teams up with the Vulture – Spider-Man’s greatest, most famous, and most dangerous foe – reveals that he has indeed fallen to the inescapable grasp of evil, and that the noble doctor is no more.

Such power. Such gravitas. Not even Shakespeare himself could craft such a heart-wrenching tragedy.

Winner: Morbius

Cultural impact:

Citizen Kane’s lasting impact on pop culture is to allow professors at film schools to feel special by telling their students over and over that Citizen Kane is the best film in human history. Too bad they won’t be able to do that anymore!

Morbius’ impact on pop culture is difficult to determine, only because it’s been a year since it came out, but all reliable sources say that no other film or franchise will ever have as great an impact on human culture. The output of Morbius merchandise, fan art, fan videos, clothing, theme parks, happy meals, shampoo, and Halloween candy has surpassed Star Wars, Jurassic World, LEGO, and every franchise ever, and will doubtless continue to grow in popularity for centuries to come.

Winner: Morbius

Conclusion:

When we compare the winners in each category, it becomes clear that this is no contest: Morbius clobbers (or should I say, morbs) Citizen Kane in every aspect. Kane, once the pinnacle of cinema, is no longer the king, or even a pretender to the throne. Morbius has come and morbed all over Kane, and is now the king of the mountain, the zenith of humanity’s creative endeavors, and the greatest film of all time, bar none. This movie is what God created us for; our time to ascend to the stars and take our place alongside our peers throughout the cosmos has come, for we have proven that we are worthy of joining them with the cinematic tale of a doctor-turned vampire, leaving Citizen Kane to fade into dust, as it rightfully should.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pop some more Morbius popcorn and watch the movie for the 9,528th time. Because it’s just that good.

One Way To Make Terminators Scary Again

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One common critique of the Terminator franchise is that after the first two films, each subsequent terminator model (the T-X, T-RIP, T-3000, and REV-9) feels less threatening despite being more technologically advanced than the T-800 and the T-1000.

Why is this? Perhaps it’s because in the first two films, the characters are under-equipped to take on the terminators, and even those who are trained and know about their opponents (Kyle, the T-800) are aware that they aren’t going to win in a one-on-one fight and act accordingly. Their goal is to stay alive and not fight unless there is absolutely no other choice. They’re underdogs, and there’s a very real sense of danger every time they face the T-800 and the T-1000.

Starting with Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, though, the characters become more willing to fight and are better equipped: in T-3, John, Kate, and the T-850 gain a large cache of weapons. In Salvation, humanity knows about terminators and has the weaponry to take them on. In Genysis, Sarah and Pops have built up an arsenal of weapons over several years and are unfazed to take on the T-3000. And in Dark Fate, Sarah and Grace are battle-hardened warriors unafraid to take on the Rev-9. As a result, the sense of danger is largely gone. The underdogs are no longer underdogs.

There are many ways for the Terminator series to make the terminators frightening again, but I think one important lesson is to take inspiration from, of all places, 1993’s Jurassic Park: the park’s game warden, Robert Muldoon was a big-game hunter armed with shotguns and decades of hunting experience, but even he was scared of facing velociraptors, only doing so when he had to. If the Terminator franchise gives its protagonists and robotic killers the same relationship, that can help restore the sense of danger and terror that’s faded since 1991… that, and stopping the terminators from just throwing everyone around instead of snapping necks and punching out hearts.

Perfect Moments: Toy Story 5’s Ending

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Once in a while, you come across a moment in a story that is so perfect that it stays in with you for years, or even a lifetime. These are moments that, in my opinion, are flawless; perfect gems of storytelling that cannot be improved in any way, and are a joy to treasure and revisit again and again.

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The Video:

Why it’s Perfect

Like many people, I was surprised and a little dismayed with the recent announcement that we’re getting another Toy Story sequel. Not because I hate the series, but because Toy Story 3 already had a perfect ending that tied everything up. Then Toy Story 4 came along and undid it all, and had an ending that had nowhere near the emotional weight it was going for. The thought of Pixar trying to undo that makes it seem like Disney is just trying to wring more money out of a story that should have ended for good over twelve years ago.

While it probably will be nothing like this fan-made pitch on what Toy Story 5 should be about, the idea here is fascinating: if Toy Story 3 was about accepting the inevitability of loss, and Toy Story 4 was about eventually finding a new path for yourself once your purpose in life is complete, then Toy Story 5 should logically be about accepting the inevitability of death. This pitch does a great job of setting that up… and then it ends with a scene that would be the most powerful, most emotional, and most heartbreaking thing Pixar has EVER done. If you haven’t seen the video yet, please do so before reading any further.

Done? Okay then.

The thought of Toy Story 5 ending with Woody reuniting with an elderly Andy on his deathbed, and Andy realizing that Woody is alive is an idea that’s so simple, but emotionally powerful. After decades apart, two old friends reunite for the last time, and Woody breaks the golden rule of toys to never reveal themselves as being alive to comfort Andy on his deathbed. And for a little while, the two reminisce about their lives before both of them pass away together of old age.

Pixar is almost certainly going to do something different than this idea, but if they went with this, it would be the perfect way to end the series for good. At its core, the Toy Story saga is about a toy’s relationship with his owner. And while they naturally grow apart as the series goes on, having them reunite at the very end shows how both have grown and changed, yet the love they have for each other is still there. As the the series’ theme song says, ‘our friendship will never die.’ It faded as time went on, but bloomed in full at the very end.

Beautiful.