We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.
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The Commercial: The Most 90’s Toy Commercial Ever Made
Why It’s Great:
The 90’s were arguably the golden age for toy commercials, and perhaps none are more 90’s, more EXTREME and more over-the-top than this commercial for GI Joe. But among the jump-kicking ninjas, laser-shooting space stations, and military vehicles that resemble mechanical porcupines instead of weapons of war, one thing stands out the most: Snow Job at 0:16, charging into battle against the dastardly forces of COBRA… while wearing snow camouflage. In the jungle.
Buh.
Why is Snow Job wearing his arctic survival suit in the jungle? Perhaps he wanted so badly to go fight in a mission that didn’t involve snow, cold, penguins, and homicidal polar bears that he just charged right in without questioning the wisdom of wearing insulated parkas, snow pants, and thermal gloves to a tropical environment with an average temperature of 93 degrees and 300% humidity. Maybe his best buddy, Ice Cream Soldier, was on vacation that day and the Joes needed anyone who could take on ninjas in the jungle.
Whatever the reason, Snow Job is a perfect example of a character suited to a very specific environment suddenly being thrust into one he/she has no reason being in, and watching the ensuing hilarity. But while we laugh, I’m sure that, in the time between skiing into the Amazon and ending up as a charred skeleton cooked to medium-rare, Snow Job did his part with his laser rifle to make the jungle safe for democracy!
We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.
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The Movie: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
The Scene:
Why It’s Great:
In these troubled times, we all need a break from the horrors and fear of life. There are many ways this can be done: Meditation, exercise, mindfulness, and knowing that, no matter what problems we face, they can be overcome in the end. But most doctors, if asked, would say that the best way to relieve stress is to watch vampire babies explode when tossed into bonfires.
You don’t need to know the context of why said baby is being chucked into a roaring fire, only that we watch a freaking vampire baby exploding, and that the actress chucking the baby puppet is trying her hardest not to laugh, turning this 4 second clip into comedy gold.
Okay, so Morbiusisn’t the greatest film of all time. While I may hold a soft spot for it, Morbius is – at best – an average superhero origin story that would have been better received back in the early 2000’s; after over a decade of Marvel epics featuring Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-Man, and the Avengers, Morbius never stood a chance, and was instead relegated to being a punchline for many, many jokes.
However, that does not mean that Morbius is entirely devoid of merit: if you put aside all the ironic jokes about the film being a life-changing masterpiece, there are genuinely good things to be found. Thus, in the interest of giving the poor movie a break, here are ten great things about Morbius.
1. Michael Morbius
By far the best part of Morbius is the title character himself: unlike most superheroes who start out as ordinary people, only to level up into people capable of doing great things, Michael Morbius is a subversion of the trope: he starts off as a genius doctor who has helped save millions with his invention of artificial blood, but while trying to cure his own rare disease, he gains superhuman abilities, but only if he consumes the blood of others, and the longer the film goes on, the harder it becomes to resist his increasing bloodlust.
This clash of Michael’s inherent goodness and the evil powers he gains makes him a fascinating character. He wants to do the right thing, but is fighting a losing battle against his darker urges that only grow stronger over time, making Michael a perfect example of bad powers given to good people.
2. Hyper-lethal vampires
There’s been a trend in recent years of depicting cinematic vampires as almost unbeatable killers with super-speed, super-endurance, and super-strength, and Morbius is no exception, giving us vampires so strong, fast, and lethal, that even Spider-Man, Iron Man, and other non-magical heroes would have a difficult time defeating them. Morbius and Milo – in their vampire forms – are capable of taking ordinary people down in the blink of an eye and enduring damage and wounds that would kill anyone a dozen times over, including falling from a skyscraper and smashing through concrete with barely a scratch. These vampires are a serious threat, and I like how fast, lethal, and deadly they are, to the point where it’s possible that Milo or Michael might be able to take on Thanos in a fight.
3. The Boat Battle
While Morbius shies away from showing what would really happen if a bloodthirsty vampire tore people apart in a feral rage, Michael’s first transformation onboard a boat is still a great demonstration of his super-speed, endurance, and how utterly screwed any normal person would be in a fight against him. But even among the carnage, there’s still hints that Michael isn’t a mindless savage: he refrains from attacking his assistant, Martine, while slaughtering the mercenaries on the boat after he thinks they hurt her, foreshadowing their (rather sudden) romance later on.
4. Milo trying to help Michael
Bless its heart, Morbius tries so hard to have lots of emotional moments between its characters, especially Milo and Michael, so that we feel sorry for Milo at his death at the end of the film. Sadly, most of them don’t work, save one early on when Michael is having a breakdown in his lab. Milo comes in to see him and, seeing Michael suffering from the advancing effects of his vampirism, immediately tries to help him, rushing about as best he can in his crippled body. Better yet, he has no ulterior motive or secret desire to become an evil vampire; he’s just a man trying to save his best friend, making this the only character moment that really works.
5. The Subway Fight
It’s not really a fight in that Michael and Milo only exchange a few blows (and it reflects badly on Michael that he just walks away instead of trying to stop Milo from hurting more people), but the subway confrontation has a rather cool long shot of Michael pursues Milo, followed by Milo demonstrating how ordinary people have no chance against him in a fight (complete with a goofy dance and squeaky sneakers), and then ends with Michael learning to fly. As an added bonus, I like how, when Michael and Milo slide to a stop after falling off the escalators, some of the pedestrians don’t even slow down as they walk past them. They’re probably so jaded by superhero battles at this point that they’re like, “Okay, yeah, whatever,” and continue on with their day.
6. The Hallway Kill
Yes, I played it up for humor, but the hallway death of Nurse Sutton is the closest Morbius comes to being a horror film, and it does a good job of it! Sutton is all alone inside this dark hallway in the dead of night, and then sees something moving with inhuman speed further down the hall. Instead of freaking out and running away in a blind panic as the rest of us would, Sutton somehow manages to keep her cool for an impressive amount of time before getting the lights on. She still dies, but the buildup to her death is surprisingly effective, and an excellent example of how you can have a horror scene without any blood, gore, or fancy visual effects. And on a personal note, I love the black and green lighting in this scene. It’s such a cool combination that we don’t get too much of in movies these days.
7. Milo’s dance
It’s become the stuff of internet legend, and like Bully Maguire in Spider-Man 3, Milo’s goofy dance scene is memorable for all the wrong reasons: the easily-misunderstood lyrics that sound like the singer telling us to have sex and that he poops both his pants and his tent (?!), the bizarre zebra-and-arrow wallpaper, the white and black marble styling, and Matt Smith hamming it up for the camera. It’s a perfect storm of goofiness, and it’s easy to see why the internet mocked it relentlessly.
But aside from the jokes, the scene does serve an important purpose: for the first half of the film, Milo is a sick cripple who relies on a cane to get around, and can only move quickly with great effort. But now, after a lifetime of illness, he has a chiseled, healthy body and the ability to do whatever he wants. It’s easy to understand why he is so happy at what he’s become, and all of us would celebrate if we were in his position.
8. The Final Battle
It’s admitingly a bit rushed, but the final battle between Milo and Michael is still a memorable one: half of it takes place in a freefall fight as the two plunge down the side of a half-built skyscraper, slicing, smashing, and hitting things before plunging through at least a hundred feet of rock and concrete before slamming into a half-built subway station, and ending with Michael summoning his bat friends to help him beat back Milo just long enough to deliver the compound that kills him.
What makes this final fight unique, though, is something I didn’t notice until watching it a few times: Michael doesn’t land a single blow against Milo. Not one. Unlike so many climactic superhero beatdowns we’ve gotten over the decades, Milo doesn’t win by getting a heroic second wind, pushing through his pain to save those he loves, or by unlocking some ultimate superpower at the last second. Instead, he uses cunning by summoning his bats to pin Milo before injecting him with the cure to his vampirism. It’s the first time I can remember where a superhero protagonist wins without throwing a punch or landing a single hit.
9. The Ending
Unlike most superhero origin stories where the hero beats the bad guy, accepts his or her fate, and heads off to begin their career, Morbius plays with the formula by having Michael kill his childhood friend before flying off to an uncertain future, the movie smartly leaving it ambiguous on if he’s succumbed to his vampirism or not, leaving the audience to imagine what might happen next, rather than tying everything up and leaving no mysteries for us to mull over. And while the post-credit scene with the Vulture may have been derided, the movie still doesn’t tell us if Michael is now a good guy or an antagonist.
10. The memes!
In the years to come, Morbius will be remembered not for its quality, its story, characters, or its box office numbers, but for the memes and jokes it inspired. Instead of fans gathering online to praise the movie and share their collective love, people decided it’d be pretty funny to praise a mediocre superhero film as if it were the greatest thing the human race has ever made, complete with fake catchphrases (“It’s Morbin’ time!”) and goofy fan videos; these are my favorites:
Like a team of random people showing up to cheer on a bunch of kids at a Little League game, there’s something heartwarming about people elevating a movie that would otherwise be forgotten within a month into a joke that’s arguably more enjoyable than the movie itself. In it’s own way, Morbius has earned cinematic immortality in the veins of Plan 9 From Outer Space, Birdemic, and The Room. It tried to be the next superhero blockbuster and failed, but in the process, morbed its way into our hearts, and for that it deserves a little recognition.
Last week, we took a look at the two duels featured in ‘The Animatrix,’ and today we’ll look at the only two duels in the final film of the Matrix franchise, ‘The Matrix Revolutions.” But as the old saying goes, quality is better than quantity, and in my opinion, these two duels are among the best in the series.
Neo vs Smith in Real Life
Emotional Context: Neo fights to keep Smith from killing both him and Trinity before they can reach the Machine City and end the war between man and machine.
Analysis: After the spectacle of tightly-choreographed duels in ‘Reloaded’, ‘Enter’ and ‘The Animatrix,’ the first duel in ‘Revolutions’ is surprisingly brutal: Neo or Smith, unable to use their otherwordly abiliites, try to kill each other with whatever they can get their hands on, whether it be their fists, the walls, or power cables. This brutality leads to Smith’s face being coated in blood, poor Neo having his eyes burned out, and ending with Smith’s head being bashed into bloody chunks.
What sets this duel apart from any other in the series is its brutality and horror atmosphere: Neo and Trinity are trapped inside a tiny hovercraft in the abandoned sewer tunnels of humanity’s old cities, miles from help. They’re initially outmatched and outsmarted by Smith, and if they fail to stop him, both humanity and the machines are doomed. And when the fighting begins, there’s no fancy martial arts and no elegant, dance-like fight choreography: Neo can’t fly, stop bullets, effortlessly jump around, or tirelessly fight off hundreds of opponents. Smith can’t dodge bullets, punch through concrete, or otherwise use any of the powers he normally has. Both are evenly matched, and fancy moves are thrown aside in favor of banging faces against walls, throwing punches as hard as possible, and trying to choke Smith to death, followed by Neo getting an eyeful (haha) of exposed power cables. It’s a visceral example of how brutal fights can be more memorable than fancy ones.
Yet, for how dark and grim this duel is, it smartly lightens the mood by having Neo – having sacrificed his eyes – gain the ability to see the energy put out by machines, allowing him to kill Smith… and even crack a joke to Trinity about how she’ll need to drive, ending an otherwise deadly serious fight with some much-welcomed levity.
Emotional Context: Neo faces Smith one final time to stop him from destroying both humanity and the machines.
Analysis: And so, after four years, we finally come to the final confrontation of the Matrix series, the final showdown between Neo and Smith that would decide the fate of Earth and everyone – mechanical or organic – who lived upon it. And like any climax, ‘Revolutions’ holds nothing back in giving us a spectacle worthy for the ages, featuring:
*A fight that will decide whether good or evil will prevail
*A battle at night in the rain
*A fight that spans multiple locations
*Superpowers
*Gigantic sonic booms.
In terms of sheer spectacle, the Super Burly Brawl has no equal in the Matrix saga, both in fighting, and emotional weight: Neo’s fighting to stop Smith from destroying everyone and everything. If he fails, then not only will every single human on earth die, but so will every single machine. That gives every moment where he falters or stumbles dramatic weight, because the consequences of failure are so high. Yet, even as the fight gives us awesome, god-like beings fighting (to one of the most incredible fight scores I’ve ever heard), it does something so many of these series-ending fights rarely do: it has the good guy fail. In what may be the biggest twists in the series, Neo loses the climactic fight. All of his powers, all of his skills, all of the gifts he’s been given as The One aren’t enough to save him.
When I first saw ‘Revolutions,’ I loved seeing Smith and Neo beating the tar of out of each other. But when Neo fell from the sky, and was subsequently beaten into the mud, I was shocked. That wasn’t supposed to happen! Neo’s the good guy, the savior of humanity! He couldn’t lose! I was gripped, trying to figure out on how on earth Neo could still win; after all, lots of protagonists get beaten to a pulp, yet still manage to achieve victory at the last second. But not here. Neo’s beaten so badly that he can barely stand, and then lets himself be absorbed and killed. I was stunned… and then (like so many other fans) spent the next few weeks trying to figure out what happened when all those Smiths exploded.
What makes the final battle of the Matrix saga so good is that it delivers not only spectacle, and emotional weight, but also subverts expectations by having Neo lose, gripping audiences as they try to figure how how he can turn things around in his favor. Then it subverts them even further by having Neo sacrifice himself to let the machines delete Smith through him, showing that a protagonist can lose a battle, but win a war in the process. There’s more than one way to victory, and it isn’t always the path of beating an opponent to a bloody pulp.
And so, with Neo’s sacrifice, we’ve finally finished looking at all the duels in the Matrix saga… Well, almost. Come back next week, where we’ll take a look at one last duel in the series, which may be the most satisfying… and one of the most unique.
NOTE: The music video for this song features a child drawn in a stylistic manner repeatedly dying violent deaths.
When it came out in 2010, ‘Limbo’ quickly became one of the most famous independent video games ever created, quickly putting developer Playdead on the map. With it’s beautifully dark art style, bleak aesthetics, brutal violence, and haunting soundtrack, ‘Limbo’ is a masterpiece of grim video games… so, naturally, parodies starting coming our way, including this rather amusing song.
There’s only one lesson to learn from this video, but it’s a good one:
Be cautious when doing making light of real-life horrors
If you haven’t played ‘Limbo’, here are two videos to show you what kind of game it is:
When I initially started this article, I was going to write about how the use of an upbeat tune and comedic sound effects makes for comedy gold when contrasted with very dark media (which it does very well). After all, such a mix has worked before:
However, I then realized that while that combination of lighthearted fun and horrific suffering is funny for fictional stories, it doesn’t work as well when used in real life: A fun Reggie song about concentration camps in Nazi Germany would be rather… tasteless. So would a happy jazz tune about atrocities committed by ISIS to innocent people. It’s easy and fun to parody Jason Vorhees, Darth Vader, and the Alien and Predator, but when it comes to poking fun at torture, genocide, or the mutilation and murder of ordinary people, we walk a very dangerous line between making a point and being tasteless.
Now, nothing is off limits when it comes to comedy. Writers should be free to do dark comedy if they wish, on whatever subject they wish. But discretion is important: Doing a parody song about how millions can’t pay their bills, afford insulin, or even a place to live can be funny because it critiques society and makes a point. Doing a Reggie song about children having limbs hacked off because their parents couldn’t make daily quotas on a rubber plantation probably won’t have the same effect.
When audiences watch or read comedy, they want to laugh and get away from the horrors of the world, if only for a few minutes or even a few seconds. As writers, we have to be careful how we use horror to make them laugh. If we use the horrors of a fictional world, we have more leeway because those horrors don’t really exist. But if we use the evil that surrounds us in everyday life, we must be careful of the point we’re trying to make… unless we’re talking about people who push shopping carts in grocery stores at half a mile an hour and block isles so that no one can get past them. They’re fair game.
Today’s video should hit pretty close to home for anyone who’s ever gone to college. While a college degree has long been held as the key to financial and personal success, they’ve been getting more expensive as time goes on, to the point where your great-great-great grandchildren will have to tell their grandchildren that they’ll have to work to pay off your debt. Okay, maybe not, but there’s no denying that college can be a major source of sticker shock. Making matters worse is how many of these universities and colleges produce fancy commercials to make it seem like attending their hallowed halls was a guaranteed path to success, instead of a one-way ticket to catastrophic debt and no guarantees of a job that can even pay the bills.
But what if these for-profit colleges were unashamedly honest about themselves? That’s where the hilarious (or heartbreaking) Honest University Commercial comes in, with three great lessons for writers:
Consider having a shady organization cheerfully promote their vices
We expect commercials – already little more than capitalist propaganda – to be as clean, friendly, and idealized as possible, their producers doing everything they can to convince you to buy their product or service. We, as readers and viewers, expect fictional companies to do the same.
But what if they didn’t?
In our own writing, and if the situation fits (i.e. you’re doing a comedy), try having an evil or shady organization doing a commercial to promote themselves, and not bothering to hide how shady and evil they are, even relishing in pointing out how greedy or corrupt their institution is. That’s what ‘Honest University Commercial’ does so well. We’re used to seeing ‘good’ institutions doing so, or even having evil companies putting on a good face, but when they don’t bother, it’s more memorable, and will stick with our audience. For another great example, look no further than one of the all-time classics, ‘Big Bill Hell’s’ (warning: Video is NOT safe for work).
Consider having people be relentlessly cheerful about their problems
What happens when things aren’t going your way? You get upset. You get angry. You complain. It’s only natural, and no one would begrudge you for needing to vent. But if you were cheerful and upbeat about how life is awful, you’re going to get a lot of baffled looks. You’re not supposed to be happy about getting into crushing debt for the rest of your life, about losing your loved ones, or having an unsustainable lifestyle (unless you’re a spiritual masochist, but we won’t go into that), which makes such a reaction stand out.
For writers (especially comedy writers), having characters be relentlessly cheerful about their problems can be a comedy goldmine because audiences don’t expect them to be that happy. After the initial humor wears off, they’ll want to learn if the unfortunate soul is delusional, crazy, a masochist, or someone who’s about to snap and go on a blood-drenched rampage. Consider poor Stanley Johnson:
Someone who’s happy when anyone else would be miserable makes audiences suspicious because there’s so many things that could be going on behind that stepford smile, giving writers plenty of material to work with. (personally, I think it’s only a matter of time before poor Mr. Johnson straps some chainsaws to that lawnmower, dons a hockey mask, and sets out to take his revenge on capitalism.)
Consider using humor to make a point about absurdities in everyday life
Humor is great for more than just a quick laugh: the very best humor makes us reflect on life and it’s more absurd situations. ‘Honest University Commercial’ is merciless in pointing out how our higher-learning institutions are more focused on making money and how expensive it is to get a degree than they are about giving their students practical skills and not wasting time on subjects they have no interest in or will ever use (damn you, physical anthropology!). It’s funny, but also thought-provoking and sad at the same time.
There’s no shame in going for humor that’s meant only to make our audiences laugh and feel good for a few moments, but making them laugh while thinking and realizing a deeper meaning will leave a longer, more lasting impact.
The Takeaway
When doing a comedy, consider having an evil or shady organization promote themselves and not caring about broadcasting that they’re evil or shady (or both). For people who are affected by that organization (or the harsh realities of life in general), consider having them be relentlessly cheerful about their problems and difficulties, while using the absurdity of it all to point out how absurd real life can be.
We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.
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The video
Why it’s great
This ancient video (well, ancient by internet standards) was a big hit back in 2007; I remember first seeing it in college and laughing out loud. While it doesn’t have that same effect over a decade later, it’s still really funny. But like Korn’s corn powers, there’s nothing out of the ordinary: Someone who’s very passionate about Pokemon incorrectly guesses which creature is on screen and throws a fit. What makes it funny, though, is the contrast of content: We have something cheerful and upbeat that mixes with vulgarity and anger, which can be good for a laugh if you don’t mind profanity, AKA, the Sugar Apocalypse.
What can we take from this? Contrasts of super cheerful and super vulgar can be great fun, but in moderate doses: too much profanity and vulgarity, and the charm can fade. Too little and it won’t have as much effect. And if that vulgarity descends into carnage and bloodshed… well, you might have gone a little too far. But then, why not have the cute side decide to fight back, and while still being cute? You can have a rainbow-colored bloodbath, which can be equally hilarious.
Imperfect Glass 