As December draws ever closer, and retail workers start going mad from hearing Mariah Carey singing about Christmas several thousand times a day, I figured it would be fun to extend spooky season just a bit longer to counter the too-early holiday cheer by trying my hand at the ‘My Zombie Survival Team’ meme that’s been floating around the internet since 2010. For those who aren’t aware, the meme’s exactly what it sounds like: You are heading out into a zombie apocalypse, but you get to choose who will be on your team: The leader, the brawler, the weapons expert, the smart one, the medic, the one who can move really fast, the team mascot, and the inevitable annoying guy or gal who will die first.
While it would be easy to recruit non-humans who could wipe the floor with the undead menace (Optimus Prime, Dracula, the Terminator, etc.) let’s make things interesting and pick only humans with no supernatural powers. Here’s who’d be on my team:
Team Leader: John Connor from ‘The Terminator: The Burning Earth’
There’s no shortage of leaders in fiction who could lead a small group of people trying to survive a zombie apocalypse, but John Connor’s resume is particularly impressive: As the man destined by fate to save humanity from Skynet, a middle-aged John has kept humanity alive as the war against the machines reaches its 40th and final year, a testament to his leadership skills. But John’s no armchair general; even at his advanced age, he’s still fit enough to climb cliffs, run, and engage in combat with Skynet’s forces while getting only an hour of sleep at a time, and has the ability to think quickly and efficiently in life and death situations. And when worst comes to worst, John is willing to make impossible choices, such as euthanizing injured people who can’t be saved, a decision that would be valuable (if unwanted) in a zombie apocalypse.
Strengths:
*Decades of combat experience leading humanity in a war against a highly-intelligent supercomputer with legions of zombie-like enemies.
*High level of compassion towards people and reverence for human life, which would help survivors trust him.
*Great physical stamina and combat abilities for a man his age, reducing his chance of becoming a burden to others.
*Destined by fate to save the human race, whether it be from Skynet or a zombie apocalypse.
Brawler: Indiana Jones
The world’s most famous archaeologist would be a great addition to any zombie team: his decades of experience in exploring tombs, lost cities, and swinging around on his whip would be invaluable when it comes to getting through abandoned cities, towns, and dangerous locations left to crumble in the wake of a zombie onslaught. And while there are others who are stronger, bigger, and faster, Indy takes up the mantle of the group’s brawler because of his ability to quickly improvise when taking on opponents – sometimes several at a time – who are better at fighting than he is. It also helps that Indy has almost supernatural amounts of luck; no matter how bad or hard things get, the universe always seems to step in to give Indy a way out, whether when trying to save the Ark from a convoy of Nazis, or when taking on another convoy of Nazis armed with a tank; such a gift would be a huge advantage in taking on the undead and hostile humans in a post-apocalyptic world.
Strengths:
*Extensive experience in one-on-one fights, which would come in handy when fighting hostile survivors.
*Able to improvise on the fly and frequently defeat opponents with more skill, strength, and numbers than him.
*Possesses incredible, almost supernatural luck when it comes to getting out of hostile situations.
*Years of experience exploring dangerous locations would translate well to exploring abandoned cities.
Weapons Expert: Gabe Logan
The protagonist of the Syphon Filter video game series joins my team as its weapons expert: as a former soldier in the US’s special forces, and a secret agent who single-handily took down a huge, secretive black-ops agency who tried to unleash a manufactured virus upon the world, Gabe is a master of modern combat, equally capable of using stealth and raw firepower to achieve his objectives, and can use virtually any modern weapon, whether they be pistols, submachine guns, rifles, shotguns, grenade launchers, explosives, and even knives with incredible accuracy. When Gabe’s skill with firearms is coupled with his incredible physical strength (he can hang one-armed and fire a one-handed weapon with perfect accuracy), and tactical abilities (he’s taken on and defeated soldiers in bullet-proof armor, attack helicopters, and even tanks) he becomes the group’s all-around weapons expert who can engage zombies in a full-on assault, quietly take them out one-by-one, or snipe them from afar. Finally, Gabe is very trusting towards other people and is a natural leader, having led the Agency after bringing it down, making him an invaluable member of any team going through a zombie-infested wasteland.
Strengths:
*Over thirty years of combat experience in a multitude of environments around the world that required both open combat and stealth, allowing him to tackle any situation involving zombies or hostile humans.
*Excellent marksman with almost every known modern weapon.
*Good inter-personnel and leadership skills.
Brains: Aragorn II
When most people think of the brains of a group, they imagine a computer genius who can hack any computer system and help restart civilization after the zombies are wiped out. But I think a certain kind of intelligence is needed in a zombie apocalypse: with technology all-but guaranteed to fail and be decades away from being restarted, a better choice would be someone who is skilled in the art of surviving off the land, and Aragorn, son of Arathorn, is the right man for the job.
While he’s best known for being a great swordsman and the king of Gondor after Sauron was defeated (spoiler alert for a 69 year old book), one of Aragorn’s often overlooked abilities is his time spent wandering Middle-Earth as a ranger for 57 years, giving him plenty of experience in hunting, finding food, and using natural resources to cure and treat wounds and diseases in lands full of orcs, bandits and monsters, all of which would serve him well in the desolate lands of a zombie hellscape. Those skills are further augmented from the knowledge and wisdom Aragorn learned from growing up with elves in Rivendell, and from the wizard Gandalf.
If you’re looking for someone who has the smarts to help you survive in the wild when you’re not being attacked by brain-eating zombies, and to help you take out zombies when they are attacking, Aragorn’s your man.
Strengths:
*Almost 60 years of experience surviving and thriving in the wildness against monsters and hostile humans, making survival in a post-apocalyptic wasteland much easier.
*Excellent leadership skills from serving as king of Gondor for 122 years, giving him unmatched experience when dealing with friendly and hostile groups, as well as diplomacy. (John Connor remains team leader due to leading armies in fighting Skynet non-stop for decades, where Aragorn primarily ruled in a time of peace.)
*Excellent melee and swordsmanship skills, an invaluable asset in a world where bullets would become very rare.
Medic: Dr. Beverly Crusher
It was surprisingly hard coming up with a pop culture healer who didn’t have magical abilities, but I ended up going with Beverly Crusher, chief medical officer on the Starship Enterprise D and E. Her biggest advantage in taking on the role of the group’s healer is that she has the best medical equipment the 24th century has to offer. Even if she can only carry what’s in an expanded medkit, that would include a dermal regenerator for treating minor skin wounds, an osteogenic stimulator for minor bone fractures, and a medical tricorder, an invaluable device that could help in the treatment of (presumably) almost any known ailment, and possibly a regular tricorder, which can possibly act as a miniature library of 24th century data and information, which would be very handy when it comes to rebuilding the world after the zombie apocalypse is over. But that doesn’t stop there: as shown in ‘The Next Generation’ episode, ‘The Survivors’, portable replicators exist, so if Beverly knows she’s going into a zombie apocalypse wasteland, she’d make sure to carry one to replicate an almost limitless supply of food, drink, medical supplies, and clothing. And because Starfleet personnel don’t go into the field unarmed, Beverly would also carry a personal phaser, and possibly a phaser rifle, both of which would be an invaluable tool and weapon against the living dead.
However, even 24th century technology requires energy to operate, and would eventually die and become useless. But even then, Beverly would still have her medical training to fall back on, and like almost everyone else on this list, Beverly has an aptitude for leadership, benefiting her roles as head of the Enterprise’s medical teams, and Starfleet Medical in general. Throw in her ability to be cool under pressure and ability to fight when needed, and Beverly becomes an invaluable member of any zombie-fighting team.
Strengths:
*Carries multiple weapons and tools from the 24th century that would make survival much, much easier.
*Extensive medical training, allowing her to treat a wide array of ailments and injuries.
*Ability to remain cool under pressure.
*Apt at both leadership and combat when the need arises.
Speed Fighter: Doom Guy
Finding a human who can fight hard and fight fast without supernatural abilities or technology that would inevitably run out of power is tricky… but there’s one guy who is not only fast, but arguably the best fighter out of anyone in this group: Doomguy, the protagonist of the long-running Doom series. For the purposes of this list, we’re sticking with Doomguy as he appeared in the original 1990 series, where he is an ordinary human without the supernatural abilities from later games. But why does a heavily-muscled space marine become a speedster? Easy: Doomguy is so fast, he can outrun rockets! To be more specific, he can reach speeds of up to 90 miles an hour while weighing over 1,200 pounds, meaning he has the strongest legs in human history. Couple this with his unbreakable will and experience in fighting zombies (and demons), and Doomguy becomes the group’s sledgehammer against the zombie hordes; the only thing stopping Doomguy from taking care of everything himself while the others relax and sip pina coladas from Beverly’s replicator is that he’s just as vulnerable to damage as any other human, meaning that if he’s shot enough or ganged up on, he’d still be killed. But even as a glass cannon, Doomguy’s speed, brawn, and combat skills make him an unbeatable ally in the fight against the undead.
Strengths:
*Endless stamina and the fastest running speed of any human who has ever lived.
*Unbreakable will from fighting thousands, if not millions of zombies and demons both in our world, and in Hell itself.
*Experience in using a variety of weapons ranging from his fists, rocket launchers, and plasma weapons.
Mascot: Ellen Ripley
Mascots are supposed to be cute, adorable, an animal, or otherwise sympathetic person. But for my group’s mascot, I went with Ellen Ripley. She’s not cute, she’s not adorable, and she’s not a happy-go-lucky innocent, but Ellen represents some of the best humanity has to offer: Gifted with the ability to think and act through fear no matter how frightened she is, Ellen can combine that with her pragmatic, no-nonsense leadership to become a force to be reckoned with, so much so that a bunch of battle-hardened marines turned to her – an untrained civilian – to help lead them when aliens wiped out half their squad.
Yet, beneath her fierce, focused exterior is a woman who cares about others and is capable of acts of extreme bravery in the face of overwhelming danger. While Ellen can fight, her biggest strength is being the rock that people can cling to when things are at their worst. More than anyone else in the group, Ellen demonstrates humanity at its bravest, and that earns her the mantle as the face, heart, and soul of the team.
Strengths:
*Extraordinary ability to think and act through fear.
*Pragmatic, no-nonsense leadership abilities.
*Extreme bravery in the face of danger.
Guy Who Dies First: Helena Shaw
As the co-protagonist of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, Helena may be quick on her feet and cunning, but she would be the first to die: As a con artist who ultimately only cares about herself, Helena wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice everyone else to save her own life the moment things got dangerous, or bolt after grabbing whatever supplies she could carry. Either way, Helena would quickly find herself alone and surrounded by dozens or hundreds of the undead. While she’d be able to evade them for a time, she would inevitably reach a point where she has no one to help her (or she’s being actively shot at by people she’s double-crossed), and be quickly turned into Purina zombie chow. While ruthlessness and cunning would be useful assets in a zombie apocalypse, having friends and allies to help you is an even greater advantage, and selfish con artists would quickly find themselves in short supply of both.
Strengths:
*Being able to emotionally manipulate and deceive people.
*Quick on her feet.
Conclusion:
When it comes to survival in a zombie apocalypse, it’s tempting to assemble a team of people who are excellent warriors, tough, and all-around badasses who can survive just fine on their own. But if a zombie outbreak rally happened, there’s one thing that would matter more than anything else: being able to work together with others. While pop-culture loves lone wolves like Rambo, a group would realistically have a much higher chance of survival when it comes to fighting millions, if not billions of zombies: being able to cooperate with others, sharing resources, and having someone to watch your back leads to a higher chance of survival compared to a lone individual who gets injured with no one around to help them. That’s why I think my team, which relies heavily on those who are skilled in both leadership and combat, would have an excellent chance of survival. But what about you? Who would you have on your team? Let us know in the comments below!
Imperfect Glass 
