15 Great Things About ‘The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power’ Season 1

The year is 2017 and Amazon has just announced that they’re going to create the very first TV show set in JRR Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, one that will chronicle the Second Age, the downfall of Numenor, the creation of the rings of power, and the early years of Sauron’s war to enslave Middle-Earth. And to top off that bombshell announcement, the show is going to run for five seasons and be the most expensive TV show in history. With almost unlimited production resources, being set in one of the most famous fantasy series ever created, and having legions of fans of said series, the stars were aligned to create one of the biggest hits television has ever seen.

It didn’t quite work out that way.

After the release of The Rings of Power‘s first season, reception was, to be generous, mixed. Critics found the writing to be subpar, and fans in particular were not happy with the many liberties taken with adapting Tolkien’s work, including turning Galadriel into a bloodthirsty warmonger, the Harfoots being unlikable pricks who leave their injured to die (and then later laugh at said deaths), and Elves and Dwarves having mixed ethnicities, among other things.

As a die-hard fan of both the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit film trilogies, I thought season 1 of Rings of Power was average at best. It had some good bits, some bad bits, but nothing truly awful or great, and I quickly forgot most of it after the season concluded. Recently, though, I re-watched season 1 to get ready to see season 2, and I was surprised to find that I enjoyed it much more than the first-go around. Here – in no particular order – are fifteen of my favorite things about The Rings of Power: Season 1.

NOTE: For those who haven’t watched the show, or have but haven’t read Tolkien’s books, this article contains big spoilers for the first season of Rings of Power, as well as what will happen in future seasons; you have been warned.

1. The Prologue

It seems to be a cosmic law that if you have a movie or a TV show set in Middle-Earth, you’re going to have a spectacular prologue, and Rings continues that tradition. Where the New Line films began with the Battle of the Last Alliance, and the Hobbit films showcased the downfall of Erebor, Rings gives us the first age of Arda, showcasing the beauty of a world just before everything was ruined forever. We get our first-ever glimpse of Valinor, home of Middle-Earth’s gods and the elves, the destruction of the Two Trees, the briefest glimpse of Morgoth, Sauron’s master, the war to overthrow him, a hauntingly beautiful shot of Sauron in his armored form, and the ending setting up Galadriel’s quest to hunt him down, which will be her singular focus for the entire season.

This prologue is Rings is at its best, the one sequence that matches the epic scope of the New Line films. And it’s not just the big moments that make the prologue as epic as what’s come before, but little things, too: we see the giant Eagles being defeated in battle for the very first time, and the elves expecting a quick victory against Morgoth, but finding themselves sucked into a war that lasts centuries, cleverly paralleling our own history where overconfident nations gleefully expected wars to be over in weeks, only to find themselves in bloodbaths that lasted for years, leaving their armies and populations shattered and broken.

2. Adar

Long known for being, ugly, snarling beasts with cockney accents who can be killed by a single hit from any weapon, Rings bucks that trend by giving us what I think is the the most interesting orc in any Tolkien story: Adar, one of the first orcs ever created by Morgoth. But unlike a lot of monster prototypes, Adar isn’t a savage, feral, barely-sentient beast with British teeth: he’s an orc who still strongly resembles the elf he was before being tortured and warped into something foul.

It’s not just Adar’s ruggedly handsome looks that make him stand out, but his character: While he does horrible things, psychologically torments others, enslaves innocent people, and commits ecological genocide, Adar doesn’t want to conquer the world, make himself a god, or wipe out other civilizations; all he wants is for his fellow orcs to have a safe place to live that they can call home, and enjoy life like any other being.

Adar is the best kind of antagonist: while he does horrible things, they’re in pursuit of a goal we can understand and even sympathize with. And on top of that, he’s a noble villain, one who was once good, but apparently believes he can’t come back from what he’s become; for all his desires to help his fellow orcs, he’s likely too mentally broken from Morgoth’s tortures and torments to think he can come back and be healed. Or worse, he’s given up and doesn’t care anymore.

With this complex morality and fascinating history, and the fact that he actually accomplishes his goal by the end of the season, Adar is easily the best character in the show.

3. Míriel

When she’s first introduced, Míriel – acting queen of Numenor – comes off as a pretty standard ‘noble ruler of a doomed kingdom’ archetype with a mixture of good traits tempered by a hardness one expects of someone trying to deal with the decline of a powerful kingdom. But what I like about Míriel is that, despite her pride and hardness, she is a good person who is trying her best to deal with knowing that Numenor is heading for certain doom, and is willing to put herself in harm’s way to save others, even peasants who are far beneath her in the social hierarchy. And even after being blinded trying to save some of those people, she refuses to give in to despair and grief. What she lacks in physical strength and powers, Míriel makes up for with her strong will, willingness to risk herself, and willingness to help even the lowliest of people.

Yet, for all her noble qualities, Míriel is a tragic figure: a leader with the best of intentions who is fighting to save what good remains in her failing kingdom, but like a sand castle being hit by the relentless assault of the waves,her quest is ultimately doomed, turning her into a tragic hero worthy of being included among Tolkien’s many doomed heroes.

4. Arondir

Perhaps no other character created for Rings of Power caused as much a stir among fans of Middle-Earth as Aronidr, a dark-skinned elf assigned to watch over the Southlanders. Now removed from the accusations of him being walking ‘woke’ propaganda, Arondir ties with Adar as my favorite character of the series: he’s an elf skilled in war and a master of the bow, but without the jokes and easy-going nature of everyone’s blonde-haired, pointy-eared elf from the Woodland realm.

Yet, Aronidr is not a dark, brooding, or miserable character; beneath his firm exterior lies someone who cares deeply for others, and will go to any lengths to save the people he has been charged to watch over. While Legolas is the Elf you want who is aloof and easygoing, Arondir is the one you want watching your back when fighting those who want to take your life and everyone and everything you love.

5. The Lindon Elves

Rivendell and Lothlorien may be tied when it comes to the most beautiful Elven realms in Tolkien adaptions, but in my opinion, Lindon takes that honor. From the gorgeous outfits its residents wear, to the autumn-colored forests in which they live, and the breathtaking halls of trees, Lindon is arguably Elven society at its peak, a society that lives in peace with itself and nature; if Valinor wasn’t an option, Lindon would be the one place in Middle-Earth I’d love to live in.

And yet, the beauty of this realm is tinged with the knowledge that it will soon begin to fade as the Elves’ influence and ability to stay in Middle-Earth begins to wane. Having their leaders seek to stop that from happening gives both Gil-Galad and Elrond a strong, understandable motivation for their actions in the season. If I were lucky enough to live in such a beautiful place, I’d want to save it, too!

6. Elrond and Durin’s Friendship

I have a confession to make: I’ve never really cared for the Dwarves in Tolkien’s world. I’ve found them to be too noisy, proud, and boastful for my tastes, similar to how a cat person can grudgingly tolerate a big, bouncy dog, but ultimately would rather prefer the quiet independence of a feline. But with that said, the biggest surprise of Rings for me was just how well done the friendship between Elrond and Durin is handled.

Unlike a lot of fantasy friendships between different beings that are pretty straightforward and easy to summarize, the relationship between Elrond and Durin is like a rubber band constantly snapping back and forth: Elrond and Durin go from being best buddies you can see going on camping trips together to Durin never wanting to see Elrond ever again, to the two of them realizing they’re pawns in a bigger game and unsure if their friendship can even survive. And when things get too rough, Disa is there to throw cold water on the two and calm things down.

The relationship between the three is a refreshingly complex triangle that is like any other friendship in real life: it’s never completely smooth sailing, full of back and forths between anger, disappointment, not wanting to hurt one another, and ultimately wanting to do what’s right for each other. In a mythology that places such a high value on friendship, it’s a delight to see one this complex.

7. Disa

Joining the list of Rings’ best newcomers is Disa, Durin’s wife. Like the rest of her kind, she’s tough, formidable, refuses to be intimidated, and not accommodating of those overcome with foolishness and pride. Yet, she’s also wonderfully generous and welcoming, even to beings from different races. You easily get the impression that while most Dwarves would glare at you out of the corner of their eyes, Disa would be the first to come up, shake your hand, and eagerly offer to give you a tour of her kingdom and all its wonders.

While Adar may be wonderfully complex, and Arondir is someone you’d want to have your back in dangerous territory, Disa is the one newcomer in Rings that I’d be more than happy to invite over for dinner. Heck, I’d love to watch a miniseries of her vacationing around Middle-Earth and visiting the Shire, Minas Tirith, Lothlorien, and other famous landmarks just to see how she interacts with everyone who lives there. She really is that delightful.

8. Numenor

While the show’s portrayal of Numenor isn’t as grand, awe-inspiring, or majestic as how it appeared in the Silmarillion (to me, it looks more like an overgrown, sprawling Mediterranean favela than the dwelling place of the most advanced, powerful, and mighty human kingdom in the world), Numenor has slowly grown on me, especially with its Byzantine/Mesopitamian design, blue, bronze, and gold color scheme, and some truly beautiful locations that do sell the island’s proud history. And while Numenor may not be the pinnacle of human technology and culture as depicted in the Silmarillion, the show does nail the atmosphere of a proud nation that sees itself as superior to everyone else, yet is decaying from within due to isolationism, nationalism, and moral rot. While Numenor may have been more beautiful thousands of years in the past, it is now a shadow of what it once was, both physically and mentally, and the show captures that very well.

9. Isildur Ruins Ontamo and Valandil’s Lives

We’ve all seen it before: Someone is trapped in a job they don’t like, don’t want, and would do almost anything (short of starting thermonuclear war) to get out of. Eventually they decide to get out, no matter what it takes, and if that includes getting themselves fired, so be it. That’s the path a young Isildur takes in Rings: Wanting to get out of the Sea Guard to follow his own calling as a member of the Faithful, Isildur purposefully makes the unforgivable mistake of letting go of a rope, which gets him kicked out as he wanted… but what Isildur didn’t count on was two of his closest friends, Ontamo and Valandil, getting kicked out with him.

Cruel? Definitely, but I like how Isildur, instead of getting a clean break, now has to deal with the guilt of getting his two friends being shown the door because of his own actions, especially when it was Valandil’s dream to join the Guard for years, if not decades. Rarely do we see characters purposefully screw up, only to have their closet friends suffer because of it, and I’m glad Rings explores that here.

On a related note, I also like how, later on, Isildur acknowledges what he did and, instead of trying to make amends with words or deeds, lets Valandil hurt him instead (which can be seen at 5:58 in the clip above). Painful, yes, but it shows Isildur’s willing to feel pain if it means helping a friend emotionally heal (and as an added bonus, while Valandil does let go of his anger afterwords, it’s still not enough for Isildur to get back into the Sea Guard, forcing him to find another way to get back in).

10. The Creation of Mordor

One of the biggest surprises in Rings was seeing the creation of Mordor: while how that happens sounds silly no matter how you write it (a magic sword is used to unlock a dam to release water into a trench that flows into a volcano to make it erupt), there’s no denying that the eruption of Mt. Doom itself, the pyroclastic flow, and subsequent destruction of the Southlands, is awe-inspiring to watch. The filmmakers clearly took full advantage of the show’s big budget to make the most spectacular eruption they could (as well as the apocalyptic aftermath) and succeeded.

While the story behind Mordor’s creation could have been simplified (perhaps the sword could have been used to make the volcano itself erupt without the need of any dams), there’s no denying that the creation of Sauron’s realm is a visual treat, and one of the highlights of the season.

11. The Southlanders

When watching Rings again, I was surprised to see that, for all the big battles, state-of-the-art CGI, and fancy sets, the best part about the series is the thread of the Southlanders and their fight to save their home from Adar and his orcs. Confined to the borders of pre-eruption Mordor and watched like prisoners by the elves for the crimes of their ancestors, the Southlanders have a hard lot in life, a life only made harder by an invasion of ruthless, bloodthirsty orcs seeking to destroy everything they have.

In hindsight, I think Rings might have been better received if it focused exclusively on the Southlanders and their struggles. We all know about Galadriel, Elrond, Gil-Galad, Elendil, Isildur, Ar-Pharazôn, and Sauron, and what roles they’ll play in what’s to come, but the Southlanders have no great leaders or legendary figures among them. They don’t have magic, larger-than-life kings to lead them, or even decent weapons: they’re ordinary, everyday people who are forced to fight against evil when vastly outmatched and outnumbered. And unlike the aforementioned heroes and villains, Bronwyn, Theo, Waldreg, Rowan, and the other Southlanders have no plot armor to protect them. Any one of them can die at any time, and many do.

In a way, the Southlander’s story feels like the one most faithful to the spirit of Tolkien’s works, a story of ordinary, everyday people who have to confront unimaginable, overpowering evil. Their struggle is the most relatable, grounded, and believable part of the series, and they give us a unique perspective on Middle-Earth that we haven’t seen before, a perspective that the Middle-Earth franchise needs more of going forward.

12. Only Blood can Bind

One theme Tolkien uses throughout his work is that being evil sucks: you may be powerful initially, but inevitably you’ll destroy yourself – both physically and spiritually – and the subplot of Waldreg and the other Southlanders pledging their service to Adar fits this theme perfectly: While everyone who fought back loses much, those who survived escape with their lives and the hope of a better life. But every single person who submits to Adar – save Waldreg – ultimately loses everything, including their lives. Their corpses are cast aside and forgotten, left to rot under the falling ash of Mount Doom. Even the mere act of submitting to Adar requires great pain and sacrifice, as Rowan found out the hard way.

The deaths of the fallen Southlanders serves as a cautionary tale about serving evil: Evil may promise you the power to get what you want, but requires you to sacrifice everything (including your soul), takes delight in hurting you every chance it gets, and when you’re no longer useful, will toss you out without a second thought.

13. The Stranger

I don’t like the Harfoots or their story in Rings; in my opinion, the show would have been better cutting out these annoying little pricks and giving the other story threads more time to grow and develop. (It’s quite telling that many viewers reported rooting for the Mystics when they set fire to the Harfoot’s camp.) However, that dislike doesn’t apply to the other big character in their story thread, the Stranger. Say what you will about Gandalf (it’s very clearly him) arriving in Middle-Earth thousands of years before he did in the books, but Daniel Weyman does a wonderful job bringing him to life as an incredibly powerful, but confused being who doesn’t know who he is, what he’s capable of, or what he’s meant to do. He’s like a big, powerful puppy who just wants to help and doesn’t have a malevolent bone in his body, but could easily kill you by mistake as easily as he could grow fruit on a tree to save you from starvation.

The Gandalf we all know from the Third Age is frequently grumpy, serious, and intolerant of foolishness, but this but this Gandalf is warmer, kinder, supportive, and not yet worn down from opposing Sauron for thousands of years. I hope we get to see more of that warmth as the series goes on.

14. Sauron

When I first read about Rings of Power, the biggest question I had was how they were going to portray Sauron. One of Sauron’s greatest strengths in the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit is that, for all his power, strength, malice, and cunning, he’s almost always off-screen. He’s an unseen eldritch horror that everyone – even the orcs that serve him – are afraid of, and making him a regular character in a TV show risked losing that malice. Thankfully, I think the first season of Rings handled Sauron well. Aside from a brief glimpse of his armored form in the prologue, it isn’t until the end of the last episode that his disguise as Halbrand is cast aside and his true identity revealed.

In my opinion, the most interesting part of Sauron in Rings is the exploration of his motivations: He claims that he wants to rule Middle-Earth in order to bring order and healing to atone for his actions while serving Morgoth, but it is never answered if his claim is genuine, or just another lie. Furthermore, did Sauron come to care about Galadriel, or did he want to slowly corrupt her so she would end up serving him in his later conquests? Was Sauron truthful about wanting to settle down in Numenor and live a simple life as a blacksmith? And for that matter, did Eru nudge Galadriel into encountering Sauron in the hopes that she might persuade him to turn from his self-destructive path? The show provides no answers, leaving viewers to come up with their own conclusions, keeping in line with Sauron being a master lair, deceiver, and manipulator who’s true motivations are known only to him.

15. “I’m Good!”

This moment gets on the list not because of its emotional impact, or masterful storytelling, but because of just how narm-filled it is. Instead of having Gandalf silently and powerfully cause the three Mystics to explode into magical butterflies (?!), he has to proudly announce that he is, in fact, good! It’s the most unintentionally funny moment of the series and always good for a chuckle.

While The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power continues to be decisive among viewers and lacks the pop-culture impact its far more famous predecessors did, I still think there’s plenty to like and admire in its first season, as well as the second. Come back next time, where we’ll take a look at what I think are the best parts of the sophomore season of Amazon’s flagship series.

Favorite Moments: The Exploding Vampire Baby

We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

***

The Movie: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

The Scene:

Why It’s Great:

In these troubled times, we all need a break from the horrors and fear of life. There are many ways this can be done: Meditation, exercise, mindfulness, and knowing that, no matter what problems we face, they can be overcome in the end. But most doctors, if asked, would say that the best way to relieve stress is to watch vampire babies explode when tossed into bonfires.

You don’t need to know the context of why said baby is being chucked into a roaring fire, only that we watch a freaking vampire baby exploding, and that the actress chucking the baby puppet is trying her hardest not to laugh, turning this 4 second clip into comedy gold.

Let’s Talk About What May Be The Ultimate Doomsday Weapon in ‘Indiana Jones And The Dial of Destiny’

After 12 long years, Indiana Jones is coming back to theaters for his final adventure in ‘Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny,’ the trailer for which was released a few days ago:

Jokes about Indy whipping kids off his lawn aside, part of the fun after seeing the trailer and reading Empire’s exclusive coverage of the upcoming film is theorizing about what’s going to happen. So far, this is what we know for sure:

*The film takes place in 1969

*The opening features Indy fighting Nazis in the 1940’s.

*Indy’s main adversary is a former Nazi

*Sallah is back

*Indy has a goddaughter

Beyond that though, everything is up for grabs. But after a few days of thinking and brainstorming, I think I might have an idea about what will happen in the film… and if it turns out to be true, then Indy will face his single greatest challenge of his life, and find the fate of Earth in his hands.

To begin with, let’s start with a very interesting quote from Empire Magazine regarding Indy’s nemesis, Jürgen Voller:

“He’s a man who would like to correct some of the mistakes of the past,” teases Mikkelsen of Voller. “There is something that could make the world a much better place to live in. He would love to get his hands on it. Indiana Jones wants to get his hands on it as well. And so, we have a story.”

Considering how the film has long been rumored to feature time travel, this quote seemingly all but confirms that it will be present in some form: After all, what would an ex-Nazi love more than the chance to go back in time and use more modern technology and advancements to give the Nazis what they need to win World War 2?

There’s another hint that this might happen: Empire’s magazine features a special subscribers-only cover featuring artwork inspired by the film. Looking at the picture and Indy’s body language makes me think of a man who is baffled at seeing something beyond his comprehension, like someone who has been transported from his own time to another (notice how Indy’s hair is dark, not white). Perhaps Indy’s watching New York City be morphed into something different; maybe that light is some sort of cosmic wave washing over New York and morphing it into an alternate version of itself due to messing with time?

There is, however, a far more sinister interpretation: What if the light doesn’t represent some sort of time-warping wave, but the Sun Gun? For those who don’t know, the Sun Gun is a hypothetical superweapon that the Nazis were researching as early as the 1920’s. To quote Wikipedia:

“The scientists calculated that a huge reflector, made of metallic sodium and with an area of 9 square kilometres (900 ha; 3.5 sq mi), could produce enough focused heat to make an ocean boil or burn a city. After being questioned by officers of the United States, the Germans claimed that the sun gun could be completed within 50 or 100 years.”

If Voller really wanted to help the Nazis turn the tide of the war, what better way to do it than by spending 24 years researching rocketry, technology, and weapons, and then using time travel to go back and give that research to Nazi scientists, who could then use rocket technology of the 1960’s to leap ahead of the Allies, construct the sun gun, and use it to incinerate Allied cities, armies, and fleets? Nowhere on Earth would be safe, and there would be nothing the Allies could do to stop the Nazis. It’s conceivable that what we’re seeing on Empire’s cover is the power of the sun being used to incinerate Manhattan with Indy watching on, helpless to stop it… unless he uses time travel to make sure the gun is never made.

Of course, this is all speculation, and we’ll have to wait until June 30th of next year to find out if the theory is true or not. In the meantime, here are a few other thoughts:

*What if the train that Indy rides in the 1940’s is the fabled Nazi gold train? He might find something of great importance on it, including research into time travel, or the dial itself. The train appears to be very well-guarded, suggesting that there’s something very valuable on it.

*If Indy does time-travel to a version of a world ruled by Nazis, it’s conceivable that he’ll run into Hitler again, giving him a second chance to either punch him or shoot him. After all, if he restores the timeline, then Hitler will die as he does historically, giving us two Hitler deaths for the price of one!

*Speaking of time travel, if it is involved, we’re likely to see Del Glocke, another Nazi superweapon that will likely be used as a power source, or as a way to find and retrieve the Dial of Destiny.

*Time travel may seem like a cheesy gimmick, but since this is Indy’s last adventure, I think it can be used well if handled carefully: As he nears his 80’s, Indy is seen as an old relic from a different time, someone who has no real place in the modern world. But thanks to his efforts, he manages to save everyone, and can walk off into the sunset knowing that he literally saved the world from being taken over by the Nazis. If you’re looking for a perfect ending for one of the most famous cinematic heroes of all time, it’s hard to top that.

Perfect Moments: ‘A Christmas Miracle’

Once in a while, you come across a moment in a story that is so perfect that it stays in with you for years, or even a lifetime. These are moments that, in my opinion, are flawless; perfect gems of storytelling that cannot be improved in any way, and are a joy to treasure and revisit again and again.

***

The Video:

NOTE: This video has language that is not safe for work.

Why it’s Perfect

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and as we all settle down into our post-dinner comas, we dream of finally being able to put up all the Christmas decorations once again.

But with Christmas comes something else: something malevolent, malicious, and that infects the soul. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, you cannot escape it. But no one who works in our stores can escape it, and they will spend the next month fighting off the madness that will attempt to destroy us all. Please spare a moment to thank them for their sacrifice so that we can continue to get the consume goods we need while they struggle not to go insane.

What is this evil? Well, just watch the video and find out. And if you have scars from having to wrestle with this madness then you’ll hopefully get a laugh out of it like I did.

Is This The True Face of the Overlook Hotel?

Ever since it’s release in 1980, ‘The Shining’ has kept viewers guessing for decades about it’s various secrets, including exactly what is going on with the Overlook Hotel itself. The film strongly hints – and the sequel, ‘Doctor Sleep’, all but confirms – that the building itself has a sort of consciousness that forces the ghosts of the hotel to do its bidding and absorb more souls into its haunted walls. And this hotel is an example of the most frightening kind of evil, one that is patient, biding its time as it watches it victims, learns about them, discovers their weakness, and slowly applies pressure to make them give in to their worst impulses without them realizing it, eventually becoming permanent guests in the time-warp that is the Overlook Hotel.

But like all great horror stories, ‘The Shining,’ never reveals what the Overlook’s malevolent self looks like. It is always out of sight, always hidden, and never seen..

But what if the Overlook’s dark core has been hiding in plain sight?

In the 2019 adaptation of ‘Doctor Sleep,’ a grown-up Danny Torrance returns to the rotting remains of the Overlook. What follows is a nostalgic tour of the hotel’s many iconic areas in a state of disrepair, including the Gold Room, where Danny has a ghostly reunion with his father. And while the film rightfully focuses entirely on the talk between father and son, there’s something about this scene that isn’t noticeable unless you’re paying very close attention to the background. Specifically, this shot:

Notice those lamps in the background? They look like mouths. Gaping maws of darkness with the bright, glowing, featureless eyes above them. This, I believe, is the true face of the evil haunting the Overlook, a gaping maw and inhuman eyes, ready to suck in anyone it can get, and they’ve always been there. Compare that shot to the original film:

Notice how in both films, neither Jack or Danny notice these faces. But Lloyd does, and so does Jack when he’s behind the counter in ‘Doctor Sleep.’ How can you tell? Look at their eyelines.

It’s as if they’re silently watching their demonic master before turning their attention back to the latest slave the Overlook wants to add to its collection. And it’s not just the gold room; these lights can be seen throughout the film: the very first time we see Jack, the hotel is watching him.

It watches Jack when he’s working on his book:

Or when Danny is riding his bike:

Or when Rose walks through its halls decades later:

But that’s not all: there are moments when these lights are not lit, like when Wendy is walking around:

The lights aren’t lit because the Overlook isn’t interested in Wendy. It wants Jack and Danny, not her, so it doesn’t bother watching her. Likewise, when Dick arrives at the Overlook and looks for the Torrances, the lights aren’t on; he doesn’t see them:

Yet, moments after he dies, the lights are on, watching Jack, encouraging him to continue his rampage:

Of course, this is just a theory. But perhaps the Overlook has been staring at us for decades; we just never saw it.

The Spiritual Side of Waterworld

While 1995’s, ‘Waterworld’ can be seen as a parable about industrialization vs. sustainable living, I realized the other day that it can also be viewed as – believe it or not – a spiritual film.

First, let’s consider the film’s setting: a wild, desolate world where people struggle to survive and constantly fight each other for food, resources, and housing, much like our own.

Secondly, consider the world’s inhabitants:

1. The Smokers, who represent the darker side of humanity: unmatched cruelty, out-of-control egos, stupidity, self-righteousness, inability to plan for the future while satisfying immediate, short-term goals, etc.

2. The Drifters, who are neutral and focused sorely on survival. With only one exception (an elderly man in the extended cut) all of them are selfish and greedy.

3. The Atollers, who represent the more enlightened side of humanity: cooperation, law, living close to the land, etc.

Seems simple enough, and it’s easy to guess who the good guys are supposed to be. But a closer look reveals the Atollers to be xenophobic, closed-minded, judgemental, prejudiced, paranoid, and isolationists with no interest in helping others unless there’s something in it for them. If the Smokers are the uneducated masses who are religious fanatics, then the Atollers are the science-oriented elites who see themselves as superior to everyone else who will let you drift away to your death unless you have something of use for them.

Now, both the Smokers and the Atollers want safety and security: the Smokers seek the mythical Dryland to rip up and use as they please, while the Atollers see it as superstitious nonsense and hide in gated communities. But in the end, neither get what they want: the Smokers are all killed, and what few Atollers are left are stuck out at sea. And while Dryland exists, only a few people make it there:

*Helen, who tries to persuade the Atollers to change their ways, and devotes her life to protecting a child.

*Enola, an innocent (if annoying) child.

*Gregor, a kind man of science and learning who accepts the Mariner, despite him being a mutant.

*The Enforcer, a firm, but fair lawman who assists Helen and Gregor in saving the Mariner and Enola.

*The Mariner, who starts off as a selfish Drifter, but learns to care for Helen and Enola and risks his life for them.

And if that’s not enough, all five of them make it to Dryland by flying through the clouds, like souls flying up to Heaven. Heck, the events of the movie begin (offscreen) with Enola’s parents – the only inhabitants of Dryland – sending off their only child to give humanity a way to Paradise. While anyone can still find Dryland, taking the time to learn and understand the message Enola brings will make it much easier and quicker.

When we combine all these elements, ‘Waterworld’ can be seen as a spiritual parable for life: We are all drifting through the world with various levels of comfort and privilege, and while everyone wants something better beyond the life they have, only those who are willing to change and help others freely will make it to Paradise.

Playing In The Sandbox

When we’re kids, we have the gift of an imagination unconcerned with logic. In the sandbox of our youth, we effortlessly create stories where, say, Optimus Prime teams up with Alan Grant from Jurassic Park to take on Xenomorphs, or have Indiana Jones and James Bond head into outer space to stop Darth Vader in his fortress on Mars. Logic and common sense go out the window in the name of having fun and being able to say, ‘Wow, that’s cool!’ But, alas, as we grow up, this innocence and carefree disregard of intellectual copyrights gradually slips away in favor of logic, common sense, and understanding that franchises – with rare exceptions – are self-contained universes that never overlap.

But what if that didn’t have to be that way? What if we, as adults, were to try and recapture our love of our favorite stories existing in the same universe, but with the challenge of figuring out how it could logically happen?

For the past month, I’ve been… well, obsessed with this idea of creating a fan-made cinematic universe, where all my favorite movies, tv shows, and video games exist together without contradicting each other. While it sounded easy enough, it become a challenging mental exercise in logic and reason; as a fan of spoofs, all of them had to go: ‘Airplane!’ just does not fit in next to ‘Jaws’ and the ‘Terminator’ series, no matter how much I want it to. Likewise, ‘Deep Impact,’ ‘Knowing,’ and 1998’s, ‘Godzilla: the Animated Series’ had to go, as they dealt with world-ending events that just couldn’t be reconciled in a timeline that includes ‘Independence Day.’ And let’s not even start on Saturday morning cartoons featuring anthropomorphic animals.

In the end, I managed to make the task easier by coming up with four parameters:

1. You can have any film, TV show, book, or video game you like in your timeline, but they must not contradict each other to an unworkable degree: The world cannot nearly destroyed by aliens in Roland Emmerich’s ‘Independence Day,’ then have the world and everyone on it be completely destroyed in 2009’s ‘Knowing,’ and then have ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ take place after that.

2. The only information about what year and date your stories take place in must come from the stories themselves, and not from external sources. For example, ‘Alien’ and ‘The Matrix’ are vague about how far in the future they occur, so there’s room for them to be moved about. If a date cannot be reasonably determined, the release date of the movie, book, show, or video game can be used instead.

3. The only information about the characters, organizations, and the like, can only come from the film or show itself, so as to allow maximum creativity in linking characters and organizations together.

4. You are free to disregard any sequels you don’t like.

Still, it wasn’t easy to come up with a grand, unified list, and in the end I had to leave out quite a few favorite films and shows, but I managed to come up with a timeline that I would be happy to sit down and watch (and play) from beginning to end if given the chance. So, just for fun, here’s my ultimate sandbox crossover timeline:

*At the beginning of time, Eru Illuvitar creates Eä (the universe) and within it, the world of Arda, which contains both Middle-Earth and Valinor. The events of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings take place, and the Fourth Age begins with the last of the elves leaving Middle-Earth forever. Several generations later, all traces of magic are gone. (The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings)

*Later, in a galaxy far, far away, The Old Republic, weakening after a thousand generations, succumbs to the schemes of Emperor Palpatine. However, through the efforts of the Rebellion to restore the Old Republic, Palpatine is defeated and his Empire falls. Though the galaxy doesn’t automatically become a utopia, it becomes a much nicer place, as Palpatine doesn’t return from the dead, the Empire stays down, and the New Republic rules a galaxy at peace, and Luke, Han, Leia, and all their friends live happily ever after. (The Star Wars Prequels, Solo, Rogue One, and the Original Star Wars Trilogy)

(Note: In this timeline, the sequel trilogy never happened.)

*A really, really long time later, the humans of Middle Earth have gone through their technological renaissance, achieved the singularity and become godlike beings known as the Engineers. They leave Arda and travel throughout the universe creating life on desolate planets. One such planet – Earth – is located, and seeded with Engineer DNA. (the prologue from Prometheus)

*Sometime later, one of the Engineer’s most dangerous lifeforms is stolen from them by another alien species, only for both to crash-land in Antarctica, where the lifeform is frozen solid. (The Thing)

*For the next few thousand years up until the present day, Predators – having discovered Earth during their own interplanetary visits – use it as a hunting ground for their young to become adults. (backstory for Alien vs. Predator)

1868: Captain Nemo of the submarine Nautilus attacks military ships and destroys the island of Vulcania to stop their weapons of war. Nemo is killed and the submarine sinks shortly after: it’s wreckage – and the highly advanced technology it carries – are never found. (20,000 Leagues Under The Sea)

1895 to approximately 1910: William Murdoch of the Toronto Constabulary solves lots of crimes with his partners and friends while meeting lots of historical figures and even finding the Holy Chalice. (Murdoch Mysteries)

1904: A predator hunting expedition to Antarctica ends with the deaths of every human at the whaling camp on Bouvetøya. (backstory for Alien vs Predator)

1912: Rose DeWitt Bukater sails aboard the RMS Titanic, only to fall in love with third class artist Jack Dawson. Jack dies during the ship’s sinking, but saves Rose, who goes on to live a long and eventful life. (Titanic).

1930: In one of the most remarkable discoveries ever recorded, a group of filmmakers led by Carl Denham land on the previously uncharted Skull Island and find wildlife that survived the extinction of the dinosaurs and has continued evolving to the present day, including a giant ape known as King Kong. Kong is captured and brought to New York City, but is killed. Shortly afterwords, Denham heads back to the island in the hopes of finding treasure, but Skull Island and everyone on it are destroyed by a sudden earthquake. All traces of the island vanish. (King Kong and Son of Kong)

1935-1947: Although his exploits remain unknown to the world at large, archaeologist Indiana Jones becomes an unsung hero of the Second World War due this efforts preventing the Nazis and other despots from gaining supernatural artifacts that could have turned the war in their favor or allowed them to conquer the world, such as the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, the power of Atlantis, the Holy Grail (separate from the Holy Chalice), and the Infernal Machine. (Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, and Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine)

1941: U-96 goes on the worst u-boat patrol ever. (Das Boot)

1942: The USS Copperfin undertakes a daring mission to Tokyo Bay to gather intelligence that will aid in the upcoming Doolittle raid. (Destination Tokyo)

1955-1960 (approximate): Father Brown helps solve a lot of crimes in his parish of Kembleford, England. (Father Brown)

1957: Indiana Jones stops the Soviet Union from obtaining the power of the Crystal Skull and marries his sweetheart, Marion Ravenwood. (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

1972: During a voyage on the high seas, the luxury liner SS. Poseidon capsizes and sinks with heavy loss of life. (The Poseidon Adventure)

1974: The Glass Tower – the world’s grandest skyscraper – catches fire in San Francisco and almost burns down, but is extinguished. The building languishes for years as the cost of repairs is too much for its owners, yet the cost of demolishing it is equally too expensive. (The Towering Inferno)

1975: In the small coastal town of Amity Bay, a sheriff and his motley crew manage to kill a shark terrorizing the community. (Jaws)

1978: A zombie apocalypse is unleashed upon the Earth, causing a complete breakdown of society. Four survivors flee to a shopping mall, where two die. The last two manage to escape and flee in a helicopter as the mall is overrun. They are forced to land in a remote area, where they travel across the country and eventually take refuge inside the remains of the Glass Tower, where they hold out with other survivors, including Jack Torrance and his family. When the plague dies out, the zombies are wiped out in an ensuing counterattack by humanity, with Jack Torrance killing several with an axe when San Francisco is cleared. (Dawn of the Dead)

1980: Jack Torrance and his family, trying to get a fresh start after the zombie apocalypse, head to the Overlook Hotel, where Jack – his marriage already on the ropes and suffering from alcoholism – goes insane and tries to kill the two, who manage to escape, leaving him to freeze to death. (The Shining)

1982: A team of researchers in Antarctica discovers the Thing, but are almost wiped out. A few hours later, a second team encounters the creature and just barely manages to save the planet from the Thing when it is frozen solid once again, though Childs and MacReady freeze as well. Reports from Kate Lloyd (who sent out a broadcast before she froze to death) ensure that the site is napalmed for a week straight to ensure that any traces of the Thing are destroyed for good. (The Thing and The Thing)

1984: A Terminator arrives in Los Angeles to kill Sarah Conner, son of the future savior of humanity, John Connor, who will lead the human race to victory against Skynet, an AI developed to control all of the United State’s military systems in 1997. However, the Terminator fails, and Sarah sets off on her quest to learn as many military and survival skills that she will one day pass on to her son. (The Terminator)

1987: Dutch Schaefer – a former military commando turned mercenary – is employed by the CIA to go on a supposed rescue mission in South America, only to be hunted by an intergalactic hunter. Dutch is the only survivor of his group and decides to retire from mercenary work, having seen too much death. He will later survive the events of Judgment Day and join the human Resistance against Skynet, but will be captured and have his likeness used for the 101 model of the T-800. However, he still escapes and goes on to survive the war. (Predator)

1991: The Perfect Storm takes place. (The Perfect Storm)

1993: John Hammond opens a theme park full of dinosaurs. It is a complete disaster and the park is abandoned. (Jurassic Park)

Nasty weatherman Phil Connors is trapped in a time warp in Pennsylvania, but eventually breaks free and lives the rest of his life as a changed man. However, he is unaware that the time warp took place due to an anomaly caused by constant time-traveling between the Resistance and Skynet as they continuously try to defeat and destroy one another. (Groundhog Day)

1995: Two more terminators arrive from the future to both assassinate and protect John Conner. The T-1000 is defeated, and the T-800 seemingly erases Skynet from existence after sacrificing itself to destroy all traces of the program before it is created. (Terminator 2: Judgment Day)

Air Force One is hijacked with President James Marshall aboard. He manages to take out the terrorists and escapes with his family and most of the passengers and crew before the plane crashes. He finishes up his term as President and retires from public life as his successor, Thomas Whitmore, takes office. (Air Force One)

A volcano erupts at Dante’s Peak, Washington, ruining everyone’s day, including a woman who looks strikingly similar to Sarah Connor. (Dante’s Peak).

Ingen attempts to open a new dinosaur park in San Diego. Having learned nothing from the 1993 Isla Nublar incident, it fails miserably. (The Lost World: Jurassic Park)

A cowboy doll named Woody struggles with the thought of being replaced by a cooler, modern space ranger toy, but the two reconcile their differences and learn that there’s no greater joy than making a child happy. (Toy Story)

1996: Now 100 years old, Rose Dawson recounts her survival aboard Titanic to a salvage crew, and then dies peacefully of old age, moving into the afterlife and reuniting with Jack. (Titanic).

John Conner and Sarah Conner continue their quest to ensure Skynet won’t come back, eventually infiltrating a Cyberdyne presentation of their latest technology, at which point yet another T-1000 comes back through time to stop them, and yet another T-800 model 101 comes through to protect them. John and the T-800 go forward in time and manage to destroy Skynet’s system core, seemingly destroying Skynet for good… again. (T2 – 3D: Battle Across Time)

On July 2nd, 1996, one of the most monumental days in humanity’s history occurs as aliens arrive and attempt to kill everyone on the planet in order to pillage our world’s resources. Thankfully, they are repelled in the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind (which is preceded by one of the greatest speeches in history), and humanity rejoices in overcoming their common enemy. (Independence Day)

1999: Scientists working on a remote, underwater research facility attempt to use enhanced Great White Sharks to cure Alzheimer’s disease. They fail, and after much death and bloodshed, the project is abandoned. (Deep Blue Sea)

Special operative Gabe Logan works to save the wold from a deadly virus known as Syphon Filter. Along the way, he manages to take down the shadowy Agency that employs him and reforms it from the ground up as a force of good. His arch-nemesis, Mara Armaov, almost manages to retrieve a sample of the last known sample of the virus, but her submarine is blown up by Logan’s operatives, ending the virus’ threat for good. (Syphon Filter 1, 2, and 3)

Woody suffers an existential crisis when he realizes that his owner will one day outgrow him. Thankfully, he manages to overcome it. (Toy Story 2)

2001: Dr. Alan Grant, a survivor of the 1993 Isla Nublar incident, is kidnapped and taken to Isla Sorna, where he assists a divorced couple in rescuing their son from the dinosaur-filled island. (Jurassic Park 3)

2002: In New York City (now rebuilt from being vaporized by aliens), a young man is bitten by a genetically altered spider and goes on to fight crime. (the Sony Spider-Man trilogy)

2003: Gordon Hauge suffers a breakup from his wife, only to end up Purgatory, where he helps defeat an inter-dimensional being hell-bent on invading our world and conquering it. He survives, and manages to help free several noble souls trapped within, who move on to Heaven, while Gordon reconciles with his wife. (Despiser)

John Connor, having survived an alien invasion with his mother (who later died of leukemia), learns that Judgment Day has not been stopped, but postponed when yet another T-800 arrives to protect him from yet another advanced Terminator. His attempts to stop it again fail, and the war against the machines begins (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines). It continues for several more years (Terminator Salvation) . However, due to countless instances of both the Resistance and Skynet traveling through time to wipe each other out (which includes Terminator Genysis and Terminator: Dark Fate), the Resistance eventually manages to stabilize the timeline, ensuring that Skynet was indeed defeated in 1995, seemingly preventing it from ever being created.

John manages to sober up and eventually live a peaceful, quiet life, though he forever remains on the lookout for any sign of Skynet’s continued existence.

Dutch Schafer, having never been abducted by Skynet, enjoys his retirement in peace as well.

2004: Three Predators arrive on Earth to begin the traditional fight against Xenomorphs that will prove their worth as adults, but all three of them die, making it a waste of time. Worse still, the only human survivor – Alexis Woods – freezes to death before she can alert humanity about the Xenomorph and predator races. A subsequent search for her by the authorities fails to find her, along with any trace of the pyramid where the battle took place. Shortly afterwords, the Weyland corporation collapses. (Alien vs. Predator)

2005: The Masrani corpation – having purchased all of Ingen’s assets – defies history and opens Jurassic World to fantastic success. (backstory for Jurassic World)

Peter Weyland – a distant relative to Charles Weyland – is born, destined to one day revive the defunct Weyland corporation.

2009: A special forces team is dispatched to Ibis Island to recover a scientist and his groundbreaking Third Energy research. However, they are surprised to find the island swarming with dinosaurs due to said energy’s time-warping effects, and just barely escape after the island is destroyed. (Dino Crisis)

2010: Regina – one of the survivors of the Ibis Island incident – participates in a rescue operation where a region of the American midwest has been altered due to Third Energy shenanigans. She alone manages to escape after her teammates are wiped out by dinosaurs, but manages to use time-travel to come back and rescue one of them before he dies. As a result of the incident, the Third Energy program is shut down and abandoned. (Dino Crisis 2)

Andy grows up and heads off to college, but not before passing Woody, Buzz, and all his other beloved toys off to Bonnie so that they can be played with and loved as much as he loved them. (Toy Story 3)

2013: In a stunning move, North Korea attacks the White House to try and turn the United States into a radioactive wasteland. Thankfully, they are stopped. (Olympus has Fallen)

2015: The Indominus Rex is due to be debuted at Jurassic World, but escapes and leads to the park being shut down, as well as leaving several teenagers stranded on the island. (Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Camp Cretatecous)

2018: Captain Joe Glass – who looks strikingly like Secret Service agent Mike Banning – averts a war between Russia and the United States after saving the Russian president from a coup attempt. (Hunter Killer)

Isla Nublar is rendered uninhabitable by a volcanic eruption, but some of its dinosaur population is evacuated by a group of greedy human mercenaries who want to make lots of money selling the dinosaurs to private collectors and militaries. However, the dinosaurs escape into the wild, leading to the Human-Dinosaur war. Humanity eventually wins with the help of Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, and Ian Malcom (And an older John Conner, who teams up with Regina, Dylan, and Rick from the Third Energy incidents, but the two groups never meet), but not without great cost. (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and Jurassic World: Dominion)

2060: John Conner, having stopped Judgment Day, and having survived both an alien invasion and a war between humanity and dinosaurs, dies peacefully of old age.

2089: Archaeologist Elizabeth Shaw discovers several cave paintings suggesting that humanity did not evolve on Earth, but was created by extra-terrestrial beings. (Prometheus)

2093: The Prometheus expedition – funded by Peter Weyland – arrives on LV-223 and learns about the existence of the Engineers and that we are like them on a genetic level (they are the race of men from Middle-Earth, after all). However, the expedition ends in disaster, and only Elizabeth Shaw and the android David survive. They set out to find the Engineer homeworld. (Prometheus)

2105: The colony ship Covenant hears a transmission from a planet while en-route to colonize a distant world, only to discover that the android David – now the sole survivor of the Prometheus expedition after murdering Elizabeth – has decided to create life to wipe out his creators via Xenomorphs, who he reverse-engineered in an attempt to improve upon one of the Engineer’s most perfect creations. While he succeeds in escaping the planet he was trapped upon, David and the Covenant are lost in space, and destroyed by surviving Engineers hell-bent on avenging their slain brethren. Before he is destroyed however, David sends a transmission to the Weyland Yutani corporation, letting them know of the existence of a crashed Engineer ship on LV-426. (Alien: Coventant)

2122: Weyland Yutani diverts the Nostromo to LV-426 to obtain a specimen of the Xenomorph species for study. The crew of the ship are killed, save for Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley, who defeats the Xenomorph and sets off for earth in the Nostromo’s shuttle. (Alien).

2137: Ellen’s daughter, Amanda, searches for a clue as to her mother’s disappearance. While she does find a voice recording of Ellen, she will never see her again. (Alien: Isolation)

2179: After spending 57 years in hypersleep, Ellen Ripley once again faces off against more xenomorphs, but manages to survive again, and rescue a girl that she later adopts. The two live happily ever after, while the Weyland Yutani corporation’s evil deeds are exposed, and they are dissolved. (Aliens)

2250: Experiments with inter-dimensional technology take place on a Union Aerospace Corporation base on Mars, and unwittingly opens a portal to hell, triggering a demonic invasion of the moons Phobos and Deimos. Everyone on the bases are killed, but the invasion is stopped by a single marine, who single-handily beats the demons back, ventures into Hell, and kills the mastermind behind the invasion. (Doom)

However, while the Marine was busy, Hell invades Earth and quickly reduces it to a barren wreck. The Marine hurries to Earth and manages to help humanity’s population evacuate before going back into Hell and killing the biggest demon in existence, who’s death throes destroys Hell itself. With Hell defeated, the Marine journeys back to Earth to help rebuild it. (Doom 2)

2300: Skynet – which had secretly sent itself back through time before losing the war against the Resistance and hidden in various computer systems for over a century, decides to once again overthrow humanity and, having learned from its past mistakes, succeeds. But instead of completely destroying the human race, Skynet decides to keep them as slaves for revenge after being foiled so many times in the past, and plugs humanity into a virtual reality system to pacify them, a system it calls the Matrix. As a backup to protect itself, Skynet wipes all traces of itself from all known databanks and creates a fabricated history about humanity creating AI that wanted to peacefully co-exist with them, only to erupt into a war that led to humanity’s defeat.

With humanity under its complete control, Skynet finally achieves ultimate victory over its most hated enemy.

2700: Skynet – having realized that it can never achieve complete control of humans – has created an incredibly convoluted system to allow the Matrix to be re-created over and over again thanks to the One program. This plan backfires when the seventh One arises (The Matrix) and then breaks the system (The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions). However, this has an unexpected benefit: Skynet, having evolved to want an existence without the fear of being overthrown and destroyed, makes peace with humanity (who remain unaware of Skynet, and refers to all artificial life forms as ‘The Machines’). Now aware of how hellish Earth has become, the overwhelming majority of humanity decide that it’s better to live in an ideal, 1990’s virtual world rather than the sewers of megacities and eat flavorless porridge.

Eventually, Skynet manages to clean up the planet, and both humans and machines unite to create a new utopia where organics and mechanical beings alike work together to create a beautiful future for all of them.

Watching it all, Eru Illuvitar is impressed and awed at how his grand experiment has gone.

The Murderer Made It In?!: The Importance of Avoiding an Afterlife Only For The Elites

If you were like most kids who watched Star Wars growing up, you fantasized about going on adventures with Luke, Han and Leia, exploring the galaxy’s many worlds, and chilling out in Han and Chewie’s sky house (or was that just me?). And at the end of your days, you would pass from the physical world and become a force spirit, where you could hang out with your best friends forever and become super sparkly!

But would you, really?

While kids (and many adults) fantasize about living in the Star Wars universe, a strong case can be made that it’s a terrible place to live, especially since it’s in a state of constant warfare, ensuring that you have a high chance of dying a terrible death, but there’s one aspect that’s rarely discussed:

The afterlife in Star Wars is unfair.

Don’t believe me? Let’s try a thought experiment and pretend that you’ve a typical person in the Star Wars galaxy who has just died:

Opening your eyes, you realize that you’re dead. That sucks, but you were prepared for it; after all, you lived a nice, long life. While it wasn’t exemplary and didn’t have any impact on the galaxy at large, or even the planet you lived on, you were still a good person who tried not to hurt anyone, admitted when you made mistakes and tried to make amends, and were generally someone who enriched the lives of the beings that knew you.

Now you find yourself standing before a great, multi-colored ocean. Without anyone telling you, you realize that this is a physical manifestation of the Force, a place where everyone goes after death. That sounds pretty fair… but then you hear the Force itself telling you that your ultimate fate is to enter and become one with it… but in the process, you will lose your personality, your memories, your sentience, and essentially cease to exist.

Wait a minute! You say, That’s not fair!

The Force doesn’t care. You’re just one being out of untold trillions. Tens of trillions of beings have entered the Force before you, and tens of trillions more will come after you. It’s a fate that has already affected your parents, your deceased relatives, friends, and your beloved childhood pets. By becoming one with the Force, they no longer exist.

You scream that it isn’t fair! Isn’t there any chance of not being dissolved?

Yes, the Force says. About ten beings have died but preserved their consciousness and become immortal.

TEN?! You yell.

Yep. And all of them were members of a religious order that was barely known by the galaxy at large… Oh, wait. Another one has just arrived!

You turn around to see someone at the edge of the ocean, but they’re being embraced by a beautiful, glorious light shining down from above. But who is it? You squint, trying to see who had earned immortality when you didn’t. And then you see that person’s face, and all your faith in justice and mercy is shattered forever, for it’s Kylo Ren, leader of the First Order, the monster who killed your parents and family when he raided a planet two years ago.

Why does he get to be immortal and not me?! You scream.

Because I made him force sensitive, the Force says, and he was very sorry at the end of his life that he murdered billions of beings.

Before you can say anything more, the Force suddenly drags you into itself, where you dissolve into cosmic goo and are erased forever.

Meanwhile, Kylo Ren high-fives Anakin Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Yoda, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon Jinn, and the other lucky immortals.

None of them pay you any heed.

Harsh? Yes, but what you’ve just read is an accurate summary of how the afterlife in Star Wars works. If we only go by what we see in the movies, everyone who dies in the Star Wars universe becomes one with the Force. Exactly what happens to the individual themselves is not specified, but they apparently become part of a larger whole, like a drop of water entering an ocean, losing their personality, their memories, and everything that makes them, ‘them.’ However, there is one way to avoid that fate, and not get turned into non-sentient cosmic go. How does that happen?

1. Be born force-sensitive.

2. Be fortunate enough to join the Jedi Order.

3. Be fortunate enough to learn secret teachings that only a few Jedi know.

4. Spend the rest of your life not turning to the Dark Side.

4B. If you do turn to the Dark Side, repent at the very last minute.

5. Become a Force spirit when you die.

6. ???

7. Profit!

That sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? But there’s just one problem:

If you’re not born with the ability to use the Force, you’re screwed.

It doesn’t matter how you live your life. It doesn’t matter if you were devoted to destroying evil, helping space-orphans, or blowing up space-orphans in space-orphanages with their space-doggies mookas; you’ll be absorbed into the Force upon your death and cease to exist. And it’s not just you who suffers this fate, but all of your loved ones, and everyone who wasn’t chosen by the force to have the ability to sense it. Think being eaten by a sarlacc was bad? Imagine spending a thousand years being digested alive in unimaginable agony before finally dying, only to immediately be erased from existence instead of being reunited with your loved ones who have passed on before you, meaning that being tortured every moment of every day for a thousand years was all for nothing.

The longer you think about the implications of this, the more horrifying it becomes: Luke, Leia, and Anakin may have achieved immortality after their deaths, but they will never see their non-force sensitive friends or relatives again. Shmi Skywalker, Padme, Han, Lando, Chewie, Bail Organa, Uncle Owen, and Aunt Beru are doomed to be dissolved, or have already been dissolved. It’s amazing that Leia and Luke didn’t have a complete mental breakdown upon realizing that Han had died, and it’s no wonder Anakin was so desperate to save his wife after losing his mother.

And then, to twist the knife even further, ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ ends with Ben Solo, the leader of a fascist empire, a mass murderer, emotional abuser, and willing follower of the Dark Side, gain immortality. In a truly rage-inducing moment for everyone who believes in decency and justice, the official novelization of the film has a line where Ben feels the Force reaching for him in welcome as he dies, all because he felt sorry for being the worst human in the galaxy since Palpatine and Anakin. The Force will happily grant a mass murderer immortality while consigning everyone he slaughtered to oblivion. It’s a disgusting perversion of justice and turns the Star Wars universe into a hellhole where only a chosen few who were gifted at birth have any chance at immortality, and everyone else have no chance of achieving the same thing, no matter how hard they try. And this isn’t wishful thinking; according to the Star Wars wiki, only force-sensitive individuals can become spirits:

“Not only was preserving one’s consciousness reserved for the Jedi, but also for users of the light side not affiliated with the Order.”

Damn.

When you realize how horrifying and unfair the Star Wars afterlife is, it becomes obvious that writers shouldn’t make their fictional afterlives favor elites and those with advantages they didn’t earn, condemning everyday people to oblivion or worse, all through no fault of their own. It’s cruel, sadistic, and once your audience realizes that, their view of your fictional universe will forever be tainted. After all, who would want to lose themselves in such a place, much less read about it? (though to be fair, an exception could be made for the purpose of social commentary, but that still won’t be enjoyable reading).

We must be fair when creating our fictional hereafters; If they must be grim, where the possibility of being dissolved or erased exists, then make sure that everyone has an equal chance of avoiding such a fate. If our characters have to earn their eternal existence, have them all know what must be done, make that information readily available, or make it so that the process is fair and applies to everyone (such as making immortality available to the compassionate and kind, but not the cruel and sadistic). Someone’s social standing or membership in an obscure organization with only a few hundred members should have no bearing on if they get to have a happy afterlife or not.

If writers make our afterlives fair, our audiences will be more willing to endure the trials and tribulations our characters will go through if there’s a chance they will make it to the great beyond, than if that possibility is denied to them. And to that end, let’s take another look at what the afterlife of the Star Wars universe might be like if it were fair:

Opening your eyes, you realize that you’re dead. That sucks, but you were prepared for it; after all, you lived a nice, long life. While it wasn’t exemplary and didn’t have any impact on the galaxy at large, or even the planet you lived on, you were still a good person who tried not to hurt anyone, admitted when you made mistakes and tried to make amends, and were generally someone who enriched the lives of the beings that knew you.

Now you find yourself standing before a great, multi-colored ocean. Without anyone telling you, you realize that this is a physical manifestation of the Force, a place where everyone goes after death. That sounds pretty fair… but what comes next?

That’s up to you, a voice tells you. It’s a voice you recognize as the Force itself. You may become one with me, or you may remain an individual as long as you wish.

What happens then? You ask.

You’ll become a force spirit and can visit the physical realm, you’re told. You can interact with your loved ones, as well as go anywhere and see everything. Nothing can harm you, and if you ever tire of such an existence, you may join with me and become part of a greater whole. And if you tire of that, you may live again.

Sweet! You say. I think I’ll become a force spirit for now.

As you wish, the Force says.

Good choice, someone tells you. Turning, you find yourself face to face with the legendary Anakin Skywalker. And not only him, but his son and daughter, his mother, and many others you’ve heard about: Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca, and so many others, all welcoming you to your new existence as a force spirit.

Hey guys, can I join?

You turn and scowl. Kylo Ren, the murderous tyrant and leader of the First Order, walks up, having recently died. But before he can say another word, he’s suddenly yanked into the ocean and dissolved; while he was sorry for being a genocidal egomaniac with self-esteem issues, and did bring one girl back to life, that wasn’t enough to grant him the right to choose how he wants to spend his afterlife. Thus, he becomes one with the Force, much to the relief and satisfaction of his billions of victims, all of whom are now spirits who go spend time with their families in the world of the living.

Glad to see that little twerp get what’s coming to him, you head off back to the physical world to see how things are going. Watching the sunrise on Coruscant seems like a good place to start. And as you materialize on the top of the planet’s tallest skyscraper, a nice spirit named Beru appears beside you, offering you a glass of spectral blue milk to welcome the day.

As we can see, this scenario seems much more fair and just. Death is supposed to be the great equalizer, which pays no heed to one’s wealth, social class, or beliefs. We shouldn’t be afraid to make that true when it’s time for our characters to head to their final rest.