Star Wars

The Terminator Machete Timeline

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

There comes a time where every parent must make vital choices regarding their children: how shall they be disciplined? What do I feed them? How do I balance work and spending time with them? And, most important of all: What order do they watch the Star Wars movies in on their first viewing?

Back in 2011, the internet went abuzz with the introduction of the Star Wars Machete order, an attempt to create a way for first-time viewers to watch the series in a particular order that would preserve the franchise’s biggest surprise (that Darth Vader is Luke’s Father), while still allowing the prequels to play a part. In short, you start with ‘A New Hope,’ then go to ‘Empire Strikes Back,’ and then go to ‘Attack of the Clones,’ and ‘Revenge of the Sith’ to see Anakin’s fall (while omitting ‘The Phantom Menace’, if you choose), and then finishing with ‘Return of the Jedi.’

Recently, I wondered if this idea of out-of-order-viewing could be applied to the Terminator series as well. With James Cameron revealing in an interview with Empire magazine last year that future Terminator movies will move away from Sarah Connor, John Connor, and the T-800, this means that story Terminator films have been telling for over 40 years – the quest to protect John Conner so he can defeat Skynet – has come to an end.

There’s just one problem: That story never got a conclusion.

‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’ was meant to wrap the Terminator saga up with an open – but hopeful – ending. But since it made more money than the total GDP of several developing nations, we got four more movies that kept postponing Judgment Day and ending with the promise of more sequels. But the law of diminishing returns eventually took hold, and after the box office failure of ‘Dark Fate,’ we never got the movie that chronicled the destruction of Skynet and the ultimate triumph of humanity… until now.

After reading about Star Wars’ machete order, I’ve been wondering if such a tactic could be applied to the Terminator films, and began to ponder, brainstorm, and try to come up with a way that can re-tell the John Connor saga in a way that is logical, keeps as many of the films in as possible, and, most importantly, end the story for good without needing any more sequels or follow-ups. And to that end, I have created what I’ve dubbed, The Terminator Machete Timeline.

To begin, here’s the films included in this timeline, and the order in which we watch them:

1. The Terminator

2. Terminator: Dark Fate

3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

4. Terminator: Salvation

5. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (extended cut)

While this may look confusing and nonsensical at first glance, I’ve come up with a backstory that connects these five films via the magic of time-travel in a way that, I believe, creates a new narrative that has a definitive beginning, middle, and, most importantly, a conclusive ending.

The Machete timeline begins with the one that started it all: ‘The Terminator.’

But when it ends with Sarah driving towards the mountains and the coming war, we then proceed not to ‘Judgment Day,’ but to ‘Dark Fate.’

In this dark future, John is killed, an aged Sarah learns about Legion, a new machine hellbent on destroying humanity, and Dani begins her journey to becoming the leader of the resistance and the savior of the human race.

But in the Machete timeline, this is where things change.

At the beginning of ‘Dark Fate,’ John is shocked to see the T-800. That’s understandable, considering he saw Uncle Bob melt himself into slag to stop Skynet from being created. But in the Machete timeline, Skynet sent back not only a T-1000 to kill a young John in 1995, but also a T-800 to act as a partner and as backup to his robot brethren. Thus, Sarah and John had to stop Cyberdyne while also trying to stop two Terminators working together trying to kill John. Against all odds, Sarah succeed (how she pulled it off will remain a riddle for the ages). Thus, when John is stunned at seeing the T-800, it’s not because he’s seeing his robot buddy again, but because he realizes that his old enemy has finally tracked him down, and this time, Sarah can’t save him.

At the end of the movie, Sarah and Dani drive off to prepare for the inevitable war against Legion. But as they drive, Sarah has an epiphany: she realizes that time travel will inevitably be created and put to use in the war against Legion… why not hijack that technology and use it to save John? But Sarah isn’t dumb: while she’ll do anything to save her son, she also knows that, no matter how many times an intelligent AI defense system is destroyed, another will inevitably take its place, meaning that a human-machine war is inevitable.

But what if it isn’t?

While training Dani on how to be both a warrior and a leader, Sarah tries to figure out how the inevitable war between humans and machines can be stopped, and eventually realizes that if humanity can move past the tribal instinct to have bigger, better weapons than your adversaries, then there will be no need for an AI military system, and Skynet will never be created.

Perhaps, Sarah realizes, John can be humanity’s savior without being a military commander. Maybe he can work to inspire humanity to use AI for benevolent purposes instead of as a weapon of war.

With her idea in motion, Sarah tells Dani her plan: When Legion develops time travel, Sarah will go back in time to save her son as a child and teach him to be a leader, not a warrior. If she succeeds, then Skynet will never be created, Legion won’t take its place, and the endless cycle of war between machines and humans will end. Dani – not wanting to lose her family or Grace – agrees to the plan. And so Sarah finishes Dani’s training, stockpiles supplies for Legion’s attack, and goes to hide in a bunker (presumably playing Angry Birds to pass the time).

When the war finally begins, Dani plays her role, becomes the leader of the Resistance, gets wounded, and Grace is augmented and goes back in time. Shortly afterwords, Sarah emerges and becomes augmented herself to ensure that her aging body will last long enough to complete her mission. Thus, with Dani and the rest of the Resistance watching, Sarah travels back in time to save her son… but because time travel is not a perfect science, the time machine malfunctions, and Sarah finds herself not in 1995, but in the year 2005, arriving just before the events of ‘Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines’ play out.

Having landed in a remote part of the world (say, somewhere in Asia), Sarah has no chance of reaching John in time to help him. She is, however, able to use her cybernetic implants to learn that Skynet is taking over the world’s computer systems and manages to evacuate to the wilds, where she survives Judgment Day. Once the dust clears, and the nuclear winter begins, Sarah starts out towards Los Angeles, knowing that John will establish his headquarters there. But with most of humanity’s jets, planes, and vehicles now either destroyed or running out fuel, Sarah’s journey takes several years; as she nears its end, the events of ‘Terminator: Salvation’ take place.

After John is evacuated from his assault on Skynet’s San Francisco headquarters, given a new heart, and prepares to head back into battle, Sarah finally catches up with her now-adult son and is reunited with him. Though shocked to see his now-augmented and elderly mother, an overjoyed John listens as Sarah recounts the events of ‘Dark Fate’ and explains that she’s trying to get back to 1995, and how she has to get a T-800, reprogram it, and send it back to be John’s protector instead of his killer: a young John will then realize that machines can learn to live peacefully with humans, and hopefully work to create a future where such a thing is only possible, but happening.

John and the Resistance agree to this plan. They manage to capture the T-850 that was going to kill John in 2032 (who’s organic covering has not aged to the point that it was in ‘Rise of the Machines’), and Sarah reprograms it with her implants. Skynet is defeated in a final battle and sends the T-1000 back, but the Resistance stops it from sending the original T-800 back, and instead send back the reprogrammed T-850, and the events of ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’ play out.

But before we reach the end of this timeline, we’re going to make one more change: instead of watching the theatrical cut, we instead watch the extended edition of the film, which ends with an alternate 2029 where Skynet was never built, Judgment Day never happened, John works to make benevolent AI the norm, and humanity’s future has never looked brighter.

Sarah’s time-traveling quest to save humanity has succeed, John has worked tirelessly to help machines and humanity live together in peace, and the original Sarah – un-augmented and now in her 60’s – can live her life in peace, with the only thing she has to fear in this future being hideous 2029 fashion.

***

And there you have it: The Terminator Machete Timeline. While ‘Terminator: Genysis,’ was not included in this timeline due to having little overall impact on the series as a whole, this timeline preserves all the other films and allows them to be part of one continuity, but it also does two things not present in the original series:

1. Sarah takes a far more active role in saving humanity, and succeeds in her quest, becoming even more heroic than she was in the original series. (albeit, off-screen)

2. By going with ‘Judgment Day’s alternate ending, this viewing order – combined with the backstory that connects the films – creates a story where Skynet is defeated not by force or by acts if violence, but by John fulfilling his role of humanity’s savior by being a leader in peacetime instead of a wartime commander, inspiring humanity to finally put aside the endless arms race that humanity has had for all of its existence, which means there’s no reason for Skynet to be created in the first place.

There’s also one more thing this continuity does: it gives Terminator fans an ending that truly finishes John’s story, ties up all the loose ends, and gives everyone – including those who were spared by Judgment day never happening – a happy ending.

As is often said in the films, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves: maybe part of that is not relying on a studio deciding to do the right thing and finish a story that should have ended long ago, but to take it upon ourselves to give that story the ending it deserves.

Or you could just stick with T1 and T2. That works too, I guess.

Perfect Moments: The Stories That Really Mattered…

/ Imperfect Glass / 1 Comment

Once in a while, you come across a moment in a story that is so perfect that it stays in with you for years, or even a lifetime. These are moments that, in my opinion, are flawless; perfect gems of storytelling that cannot be improved in any way, and are a joy to treasure and revisit again and again.

***

The Movie:

‘The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers’

The Scene:

Why it’s perfect:

There are so many wonderful moments in The Lord of the Rings film trilogy that picking just one above all others is nearly impossible. Would you take an action scenes, or a moment of drama? I don’t know what I’d pick… but one of the top contenders comes at the end of the second film, where Sam gives Frodo one of the greatest inspirational talks in the history of film.

This scene is so beautiful, and so timeless, because it sums up exactly what The Lord of the Rings – and what all great stories – is about: good people who, when faced with overwhelming, all-powerful evil, choose to keep going. They could give up at any time. They could lie down and die. They could go home and give in to despair… but they don’t. Even if they’re scared out of their minds, they choose to take another step, to go one more mile, to get through just one more day, because they believe that there are things in the world worth saving, no matter how bad things get.

This isn’t just syrupy sentiment on Sam’s part: In Tolkien’s universe, evil is very real, and it is powerful, and it can and does triumph. Heroes die, kingdoms fall, and innocent people suffer… But in the long run, evil cannot win. It can conquer entire races, it can enslave so many people, and it can destroy so much, but it can never destroy the desire of all good people to live in peace with one another, no matter where they come from or who they are. Some are great warriors and others are just ordinary, everyday people. But all of them resist, in ways both big and small, flashy and quiet, and when evil dies, whether it’s a year later, a decade, or even a century, those people are still there, still going, and proving that evil will always fail in its quest to achieve total victory over all that is good.

10 Great Things about The Phantom Menace

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

The year is 1999, and a new Star Wars movie was coming out for the first time in 16 years. To say that people were excited is putting it mildly; no film since – not even the sequel trilogy – has come close to the anticipation the world had for Menace. No matter where you went, you were bombarded with commercials, promotions, toys, and this thing. And on May 19th, my family and I went to the theater, took our seats, and were caught up in the thunderous cheers of the audience as the title finally appeared… And then we were informed that the taxation of intergalactic trade routes was in dispute.

Uh oh.

Two hours later, we walked out into the night, and I was… satisfied. The Phantom Menace wasn’t the masterpiece of escapism I had hoped it would be, but I still liked it. Unfortunately, a lot of other people didn’t, and the film became synonymous with everything that was wrong with Star Wars, becoming the butt of a great many (admittedly hilarious) jokes.

Yet, as the decades have passed, views towards The Phantom Menace have softened, to the point where many in the Star Wars fandom look back on it fondly. Thus, in the spirit of celebrating the film’s 25th anniversary, here are 10 great things about The Phantom Menace.

1. It tells a new story

If The Phantom Menace was made today, it would lean heavily on nostalgia and familiar story beats from previous films (as The Force Awakens would do decades later), but George Lucas didn’t do that. Instead, he told a new story about the twilight of a democratic republic that was rotting away from within, a logical counterpart to the original trilogy’s saga of fighting to save the galaxy from a fascist empire. And while we do get some returning characters and locations from the original trilogy, almost everything else in Menace – from Naboo, Coruscant, Luke and Leia’s mom, a look at how the galaxy’s government runs, and our very first look at the Jedi order – are fresh and unique. Even if the story didn’t quite work out as fans had wanted, Lucas is to be commended for trying something new and not just re-telling a story that had already told.

2. Qui-Gon Jinn

While it’s great to see Obi-Wan Kenobi in his younger years (played wonderfully by Ewan Mcgregor), my favorite character of Menace is his tutor, Qui-Gon Jinn. Jinn is a fascinating Jedi who, instead of the orthodox Obi-Wan and dogmatic Yoda, seeks to follow the spirit of Jedi law instead of its letter. He believes in focusing on the moment, listening to the Force, and doing what’s right, regardless of what others think, even if it involves bending the rules to achieve a greater good. But most of all, he’s a good man who doesn’t talk down to others:

With Liam Neeson’s warmth, focus, authority, and just a touch of mischievousness, Qui-Gon remains my favorite Jedi in the Star Wars saga.

3. Anakin Skywalker

Much has been written over the years about how ill-advised it was to have Anakin Skywalker be a 9 year old kid in Menace, and even more has been written about Jake Lloyd’s portrayal of the galaxy’s most infamous Jedi. While I agree that it probably would have been better to introduce him as a teenager, I still think Anakin’s fine in the film; he is, after all, a 9 year old boy and acts like it. And much like how even Sauron was not evil in the beginning, I liked seeing the boy who would be Vader as an innocent kid who – despite being a slave his whole life – is still compassionate and helps total strangers without any thought of reward. It’s a refreshing reminder that Vader didn’t start out as an evil little brat who enjoyed force-choking other kids who stole his blue milk at lunchtime, but an ordinary person who could do either great good or great evil.

4. The Prophecy of the Chosen One

Perhaps no other trope has been done to death than prophecies about chosen ones who will save the world, and Star Wars has its own with the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. But Menace smartly and cleverly uses this trope to add a whole new layer of depth to Anakin. In the original trilogy, he was little more than glorified muscle for the Emperor, but here we learn that he was created by the Force itself to bring balance, turning Vader into a tragic figure who could have been the most powerful and most famous Force user in history, but became a cripple who lost everything due to his fear of loss. This twist is an excellent example of a prequel enriching a previous story by adding more complexity that originally didn’t exist, letting us see beloved characters in a new light that makes them even more compelling than before.

5. The Jedi Order aren’t the heroes we thought they were

Throughout the original trilogy, the Jedi were revered as mythical beacons of truth, justice, and the American way. In Menace, we finally see them in their heyday… and discover that they’re a dogmatic, self-righteous cult. While the corruption and fallibility of the Jedi would be explored in subsequent movies (and get really torn apart in The Last Jedi decades later), Menace shows how, as the Republic became corrupt and decayed from within, so too, did the Jedi order, and nowhere is this more telling than when the Jedi council tests Anakin:

Rather than being compassionate and understanding towards this little boy who has do to leave everyone and everything he’s ever known to follow a dream, they treat him with contempt and refuse to take him on because he’s too old, revealing that the Jedi – for all intents and purposes – brainwash children into their order without giving them a choice on if they want to join or not. And in one of the saga’s biggest twists of irony, this lack of compassion and decency towards Anakin sows the seeds of the council’s own destruction at his hands years later. (Notice the death-glare Anakin gives Mace when he says that Anakin won’t be trained.)

The Last Jedi may have been mocked for trying to subvert audience expectations, but Menace did it first by making the Jedi order horribly flawed instead of morally pure defenders of the light. While their individual members may be good beings dedicated to doing what’s right, their organization was as decayed as the Republic they served.

6. The Beauty of Naboo

While Tatooine once again comes back to showcase its endless seas of sand, dirt, and rock, Menace takes us to two new planets: Coruscant and Naboo. Coruscant is a breathtaking example of a city-planet, but Naboo easily takes the award for the most beautiful planet in the Star Wars universe.

With beautiful rolling green hills, towering waterfalls, Byzantine buildings, and Baroque/Rococco interiors, Naboo is a gorgeous example of a sci-fi society that has achieved harmony with nature, and becoming a place you’d actually want to visit and live in. (Yeah, electing pre-teens to be their leaders is an odd quirk, but eh.)

7. The Podrace

If someone asked you to imagine The Phantom Menace with a single scene, the climactic lightsaber fight at the end would probably come to mind. But coming in close behind would probably be the podrace, and with good reason: ILM pulled out all the stops to create a fast-paced, exciting, outer-space remake of the legendary chariot scene from Ben-Hur, and they succeeded.

While its story purpose is a bit silly (Anakin needs to win so that his new friends can get a new engine for their spaceship), the sequence is a visual and audio marvel, and gives Anakin a chance to show off his mechanical and piloting skills. It’s a scene like no other in the Star Wars saga, and a thrill ride no matter how may times you see it.

8. Sio Bibble

There’s a politician in the Star Wars universe named Sio Bibble who looks like he’s a human-sized gnome. I love it!

9. Duel of the Fates

It may still be affectionately mocked 25 years after it was released, but The Phantom Menace does one thing perfectly, and that’s the legendary battle between Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, and Darth Maul at the film’s climax. Before the film came out, lightsaber fights were slow, grounded, and realistic duels between inexperienced moisture farmers, old men, and asthmatic space cyborgs. But here, George Lucas showed what duels were like between Force-users in their prime with jumping, flipping, and multiple combatants, double-bladed lightsabers, and one of the most incredible pieces of music John Williams has ever composed. Lucas succeeded so well that this type of fighting remains the standard in all Star Wars media to this day, and the fight itself remains arguably the most epic in any of the films.

But beyond the exciting visuals and music, there’s a deeper theme at work here: This fight isn’t just about Jedi fighting Sith, but is a duel for the fate of Anakin’s soul. If Qui-Gon won, he could have potentially helped Anakin stay in the light… but Obi-Wan was left to take up Anakin’s training, a move that, as he will admit to Luke many years later, had disastrous consequences for the galaxy.

10. The Phantom Menace

Though there are deaths, military occupations, and Anakin leaving his mother, The Phantom Menace is a lighthearted story that ends on a happy note: Naboo is liberated, Darth Maul is vanquished, The Trade Federation can kiss their trade franchise goodbye, and Anakin begins his Jedi training… but as the film’s credits come to an end, and the final, quiet notes of Anakin’s theme fades out, we hear the distant echo of Darth Vader breathing.

For years, I’ve just enjoyed it as a chilling easter egg reminding us of Anakin’s dark destiny, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that, in a way, Anakin himself is the Phantom Menace. Though Palpatine is the greatest evil in the Star Wars galaxy and has started his plan to gain ultimate power, it’s Anakin who will destroy the Jedi, terrorize the galaxy, and, in the end, kill Palpatine. He’s the ultimate threat to everyone in the film, and no one – not even Palpatine himself – suspects this. Thus, hearing Vader’s breathing is a reminder that while Palpatine is the one calling the shots, it’s Anakin who will bring them all down.

Those are my favorite ten things about The Phantom Menace. What are yours? Sound out below in the comments!

The Best Background Characters: Palpatine’s Elite Guard Who Is The Worst Shot in Star Wars History

/ Imperfect Glass / 3 Comments

Every story has a cast of characters that we follow and watch and come to love… but what about the background characters? The nameless masses who rarely get our attention? This column examines my favorite background characters who deserve a moment in the spotlight.

The Movie:

‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’

The Character:

One of Palpatine’s royal guards who is the worst shot in Star Wars History

The Scene:

Why He Deserves A Moment In The Spotlight

A few years ago, I highlighted how one of Snoke’s elite guards fought Kylo Ren by… ramming his armored forearms into Kylo’s lightsaber, accomplishing nothing before being killed. At the time, I thought he was Star Wars’ silliest antagonist, but I recently discovered that there’s another royal guard in a galaxy far, far away who is even sillier. In ‘The Rise of Skywalker,’ Rey takes on Palpatine’s elite guards, the Sovereign Protectors, the cream of the crop of the Final Order, warriors who’s only purpose in life is to defend their emperor to the death, and at this they fail miserably, dying within seconds to a barely-trained girl with a glowy stick of death, rendering a lifetime of Sith indoctrination and training utterly meaningless.

But among their number, there is one guard who’s sheer ineptitude is the stuff of legend. A guard so legendarily bad that his name will be passed down from generation to generation on how not to protect psychotic zombie emperors from beyond the stars… Ceiling Shooting Guy.

At 0:08 in the clip above, a guard on the far left can be seen heroically shooting his laser gun at the ceiling. Not at Rey, the force-wielder with the lightsaber, but at the ceiling of Palpatine’s chamber. Then he pauses, watches Rey for a moment, and then shoots the ceiling again.

How did this guard get the job? What training did he undergo to become Palpatine’s protector? And why, in the moment he’s spent his entire life preparing for, did he decide to shoot the ceiling of the Sith Temple instead of Palpatine’s attacker?

I just love how this guy ended up in a movie with a $416 million budget, some of which surely went to fight choreography (NSFW captions). And yet, we ended up with a guy who shoots the ceiling. Sweet Yoda, I would love to know why the shot was approved, why the filmmakers thought this was okay to put in the finished cut, and I especially love that someone at ILM had to animate these nonsensical blaster shots. But whatever the reason, I’m glad they kept this shot in, because we got an elite Sovereign Protector who decided the best way to protect his emperor was to shoot the ceiling. Hey, for all we know there was a spider up there.

A New Way Of Looking At Indiana Jones And The Dial of Destiny

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

(This post contains spoilers for Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny)

Like many people, I was disappointed with Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, the official last Indiana Jones film (and with its box office performance, it’s likely to stay that way for a very long time). Going into my local theater the night of its premiere, dressed in my officially licensed fedora, leather jacket, gasmask bag, and beige pants, I was hoping against hope that the film would give Indy one last, glorious adventure that would celebrate his life, his legacy, and let him end his story on a high note. Heck, I even did a post last year theorizing about what might happen.

None of that happened.

Over the course of two and a half hours, my heart steadily sank as I realized that Dial of Destiny was falling into the same trap so many legacy sequels had fallen into over the years: The hero/s of the previous films are now old, tired, and failures, and only a young, smart, strong, and talented newcomer can rejuvenate them (while also setting themselves up to take over the franchise in future sequels). Instead of Indy getting the spotlight, I watched as his goddaughter Helena – an unlikable con artist, thief, and borderline sociopath – became the film’s protagonist, insulting Indy and upstaging him every chance she gets. And then, during the climax of the film – which, to remind you, is the last time we will ever see Harrison Ford as Indy – Helena is the one who saves the day while Indy literally just sits around, and then punches him in the face.

As the film faded to black, and the credits rolled, I stared at the screen, feeling nothing. Had this movie happened several years ago, I would have been crushed at seeing my childhood idol being denied the final adventure he deserved. But after enduring the disappointment of the Star Wars sequel trilogy and Jurassic World: Dominion, it was easy to walk out of the theater into the night with my fedora in hand, drive home, and try to forget that the film ever happened.

But today, a realization came to me: I wanted a story where Indy saves the world from being conquered by the Nazis via time travel. Instead, I got a story where Indy – who has already accomplished more in one life than most people could in a dozen – saves a loved one going down the path of cruelty, selfishness, and greed by being the good angel on her shoulders. A grumpy, none-too-gentle angel, yes, but one that gradually convinces her (and her sidekick Teddy) to take the first steps down a better way of life. And as a reward for everything he’s done, Indy’s given not gold, treasure, or fame, but a treasure greater than anything he’s found: being able to spend the rest of his life with both Marion and Sallah, his best friend, by his side.

Dial of Destiny doesn’t have the story I wanted: it doesn’t feature Indy saving the world, or time-traveling to multiple eras in history, or Indy hanging up his hat at the end, satisfied that he’s stopped the Third Reich for good… but it’s a more intimate, emotional story of a great man in his twilight years saving others from going down the wrong path in life. That, I think, is a story worth telling.

That’s F***ing Hilarious: My Favorite Funny Curses In Movies

/ Imperfect Glass / 1 Comment

NOTE: Although they are quoted and discussed in an academic manner, this article contains both written and video examples of vulgar language and is not safe for work.

Can swearing ever be funny? When played for drama, the Precision F-Strike can easily be one of the more shocking and memorable moments of a film, but when played for comedy, it’s often the funniest, as comedy Legend John Cleese would attest. To quote TvTropes:

“John Cleese… once described this trope in an interview, by explaining that the art of making swear words funny is to avoid using them… until the exact moment in the script when it will be most effective. A comedy with gratuitous swearing ends up desensitizing the audience to the words in question, meaning they lose a lot of their amusement. But if you go for fifty minutes without a single swear word, then suddenly have a character say “shit”, the swear word becomes instantly more amusing because the audience has been conditioned not to expect it up to that point.”

After thinking about this, I’ve come to the realization that Mr. Cleese is correct; after all, some of the most memorable swear words in cinema happen because you don’t expect them. Thus, to celebrate the times where vulgar language can add so much to a scene, I thought it’d be fun to share my amusing uses of swear words in films. Some were done intentionally, others less so, and some are the result of goofy writing or hilarious acting, and some may be the result of mondegreen (a phenomena where a word or phrase is misheard or misunderstood and interpreted as something else), but they are all memorable and good for a chuckle.

Honorable Mention 1: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

It’s not a swear word, but if you listen closely at 2:48, you can hear what sounds like Voldermort’s otherworldly voice whispering, ‘Screw you, Harry!’ It pretty much ruins the drama of what is otherwise one of the most dramatic and satisfying moments of the entire Harry Potter saga, but it’s pretty dang funny to imagine that as the most powerful dark wizard alive dissipates into the afterlife, a fragment of his spirit takes one last opportunity to insult Harry, but in a polite, non-vulgar way. How thoughtful!

Honorable Mention 2: Dexter

I have never seen the television show Dexter and know next-to-nothing about it, but I have seen this clip countless times and it still cracks me up, especially with some of the jokes people have made with it.

7. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The climactic chapter of the live action Transformers film series (until two sequels and a quasi-reboot came along) pulled no punches in upping the stakes, with a full-on invasion of Earth by the Decepticons, having the Autobots be grossly outnumbered, and having the Autobot’s most revered leader turn out to be a Decepticon turncoat who will enslave the human race without a second’s thought. It’s only fitting then, that he’s executed at the end without any mercy by his successor and former admirer Optimus Prime.

But while Sentinel’s official last words are an anguished, ‘No, Optimus!’ if you listen closely at the 1:00 mark, you can hear him groan, ‘Oh, fuck!’ before he dies and goes to Transformer hell. There’s just something amusing about the most famous, noble Autobot in Cybertron’s history going out not with a plea or a whimper, but with the sudden realization that he had screwed up so badly that the best way to express his regret was with an all-too human expression.

6. Transformers: The Movie

Yep, there are two entries about profanity in a series about shape-shifting robots that’s targeted for young kids. The first film about these robots from beyond the stars was notable for many things: the death of Optimus Prime, the introduction of Unicron, a robot capable of eating entire worlds, killing off almost all of the original cartoon’s cast, and being the very first time profanity was used in the series.

In this scene, Spike the human and his robot buddy Bumblebee have their moonbase self-destruct in an attempt to destroy Unicron as he eats said base, only for the plan to fail utterly. In response, a flabbergasted Spike calmly asks his robotic companion what the best course of action is to resolve their rather unfortunate predicament. Just kidding; he memorably says, ‘Oh shit, what are we gonna do now?!’

Can you imagine that? Someone swearing in a cartoon for kids? Outside of this example, I can’t think of any other show or movie that’s done so, and not only is it shocking, but funny, too because of how relatable and understandable Spike’s reaction is.

5. Superhero Movie

Released near the end of the era of big-budget movie parodies, ‘Superhero Movie’ is a funny send-up of superhero films released up to that date, the most famous being Sony’s Spider-Man trilogy, but with affectionate jabs towards the X-Men and Fantastic Four as well, complete with juvenile humor throughout. But my pick for the most memorable moment of the film comes at the climax, where the nefarious villain Hourglass – on the verge of gaining immortality – instead meets the Grim Reaper via Dragonfly plopping a crotch-bomb right in front of his face. And how does this dastardly villain, possessing a genius intellect, a fiendish plan, and every advantage imaginable, react? He gives the film’s only use of the word, ‘Fuck.’

Much like Sentinel in ‘Dark of the Moon,’ there’s just something funny at seeing a story’s villain so gobsmacked or horrified that they have to resort to cursing, and ‘Superhero Movie’ does it well.

4. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

The Star Wars movies may pack stylized violence galore, but are by and large G-rated when it comes to talking… except in 1987’s, Return of the Jedi, where, when watching a super star destroyer plunge towards the second Death Star, you can hear someone on Admiral Ackbar’s flagship yell, ‘Die, dickheads!’ at 0:38.

For years, Star Wars fans have been wondering if we’re really hearing someone swear, or just something that sounds like it. Personally, I like to think that it is real, as it’s perfectly reasonable that someone fighting against an evil empire would celebrate and let loose with the strongest insult they could think of at realizing that said empire is finally about to be destroyed after decades of terror, suffering, and misery. Who among us wouldn’t do the same?

3. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

In the pantheon of major Hollywood blockbusters, New Line Cinema’s The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogies are quite odd when compared to their peers: Aside from the decapitations, arms getting lopped off, armies being slaughtered by the thousands, and Sean Bean being turned into a pincushion, all six films are surprisingly tame, with no sex and no vulgar language that we can understand (aside from untranslated dwarvish). Much fun has been poked at this phenomena over the years, but as it turns out, there is exactly one audible curse word in the saga, one that’s hidden very well.

In the opening prologue of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Smaug the dragon attacks the city of Dale, burning it to the ground and inflicting death and destruction beyond comprehension. Naturally, it makes sense that people would be scared out of their minds at having their peaceful life destroyed in mere minutes, and nowhere is that more audible than someone yelling, “Oh God, what the fuck?!” at 1:59 in the clip above.

What I love about this swear is that it’s the perfect embodiment of John Cleese’s description of funny swears: After three movies of people, elves, and dwarves talking in G-rated language, having a ‘fuck!’ come out of nowhere is darkly hilarious, and a very understandable reaction to a dragon destroying everything you know and love. But even this vulgar word serves a purpose, as it helps to humanize the people of Dale; It’s one thing to see fictional characters panic, but when they let lose with curses and expletives that we all use from time to time, it makes them more human and shows that they feel the anger, frustration, and rage that we all do in a world that sucks at times.

2. The Wicker Man

2006’s ‘The Wicker Man’ quickly became a laughing stock as one of the cherished, ‘So bad it’s good’ films of the decade, even being described as the year’s best comedy, and all of that is due to the infinitely-entertaining Nicholas Cage, who does everything from running around and punching old women in a bear suit, to demanding how something got burned, and yelling about bees. But for my money, the film’s most hilarious moment is him yelling about how his death isn’t going to bring back the islander’s honey. It’s a line that – when taken out of context – is THE definition of ‘so stupid, it’s awesome,’ and you wonder how Mr. Cage managed to yell it without cracking up. I have no idea how, but I’m so glad he did it.

1. Epic Movie

What would happen if Superman suddenly no longer had bulletproof skin? He’d be in for a world of hurt, as demonstrated brilliantly in ‘Epic Movie.’

‘Epic Movie,’ despite it’s disastrous reception by audiences and critics alike, and it’s subpar performance as a spoof film, does have one truly brilliant scene: a parody of the sequence from ‘Superman Returns’ where Superman gets shot in the eye. But here, we see what would happen if the Man of Steel didn’t have indestructible eyeballs.

Everything about this scene is great: the music is appropriately bombastic, the build up is flawless, the effects of a slow-motion bullet are well done for a low-budget parody… and then the bullet sinks into Superman’s eyeball with a cartoonish squishing sound, and he shrieks in absolute agony, topped off with a very understandable shriek of how he’s been shot in the fucking eye. While the film may not be the best example of a parody, this scene is absolute gold, and my favorite use of the word ‘fuck’ in any film.

What We Can Learn From The Star Wars Holiday Special (For Real This Time)

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

Last year, I gathered all my courage, mourned not being able to watch The Incredible Hulk, and finally sat down to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special, which is commonly called one of the worst moments in television history and one of the biggest missteps in the Star Wars franchise, sentiments that are completely and utterly 100% true. And while I played up this awfulness for comedic value, I figured it was time to actually write out what works well and what doesn’t in the special because, despite what pop culture might tell you, I was surprised to find that the special is… not that awful.

Now, don’t get me wrong; the special is not some misunderstood masterpiece that has aged like fine wine. It is a bad show with seemingly endless padding, almost ten minutes of non-stop Wookie gargling without subtitles, stirring and whipping, and the… inconsistent acting. And that’s before Leia breaks out into song. But as hard as it may be to believe, there’s also some good things, too: the lighthearted, feel-good music, seeing Luke, Leia, Han, and all the other classic characters doing their stuff, the 70’s style that saturates the whole thing, and some downright hilarious Youtube comments.

Now, lest you feel the temptation to actually sit down and watch the special (an endeavor I don’t recommend unless you’ve consumed copious amounts of alcohol) sit back and let me present to you the hard-won writing lessons I got from watching this piece of 70’s kitsch.

What does the story do well?

The core concept isn’t bad

Regardless of its execution, the story of the Holiday Special itself isn’t bad: During a period of galactic civil war, Chewbacca tries to get back to his family on Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, the most important holiday in Wookie culture. But it won’t be easy: the Galactic Empire is in hot pursuit of Chewie, and maintains a presence on Kashyyyk harassing the locals. Not only will Chewie and Han have to escape the Empire, but Chewie’s family will also have to outsmart and outwit the local Imperials before Chewie arrives so they can all safely celebrate. That’s not a bad story at all, which leads the Special to stand as proof that even the best story ideas can fail due to other circumstances.

It has a good introduction to Boba Fett

While fans generally agree that the Holiday Special is awful, there is also agreement that the best part is a short cartoon that features the first appearance of Boba Fett, one of Star Wars’ most famous side-characters. And they’re right! It’s a short, self-contained story that takes full advantage of it’s animated medium to create interesting and unique visuals that would be expensive to do in live-action, as well as give Boba a moral ambiguity that left first-time viewers wondering if he truly was an ally or someone nefarious, all aided by an excellent voice performance by Don Francks. Plus, hearing Darth Vader in any cartoon is always an excellent thing.

It shows what life is like for ordinary people in a sci-fi universe

If there’s only one thing the Holiday Special does well, it’s to show what life is like for ordinary, everyday people in the Star Wars galaxy, the folks who aren’t involved in the war, who aren’t firing blasters at Stormtroopers, and who just want to get through their day. We get to see cooking shows, what a Wookie home is like, the toys a child has in this galaxy, and what common people do to relax and have fun.

While showing ordinary life in a fantasy world sounds boring (don’t we indulge in fantasy to escape from everyday life?), it actually adds a lot of depth to that universe. Films and books typically devote little to no time showing what everyday life is like for people in fantasy worlds because of needing to focus on whatever is threatening that world. Devoting an hour and half to showing people buying and preparing food, playing, relaxing in bars, and celebrating holidays doesn’t bring in the big bucks at the cinema, after all, which makes these kind of stories rare, and even rarer in one of the biggest film franchises in history.

What could have been done to improve the story?

Everything

Okay, that’s too easy.

It could have cut out the Wookie porn

Unless it is a vital part of the story, we don’t need to watch an elderly Wookie getting sexually stimulated by softcore virtual pornography.

It could have cut out all the padding

On retrospect, I think one reason the Holiday Special earned such a disastrous reputation is that so much of it feels like padding. Part of this is due to the variety show format, but while parts of it are… tolerable… most are not, such as Malla stirring and whipping, and almost four minutes of assembling a transmitter. If these segments were removed and the story revised to focus on the holiday aspect, it would have been a stronger, more enjoyable tale.

It could have made the story more ‘holiday-ey’

While the slice-of-life format of the Holiday Special is a welcome change from the constant, non-stop war seen in all the Star Wars films, the holiday aspect feels almost non-existant. While it wouldn’t make sense for the Star Wars universe to just copy Christmas traditions verbatim, it would have been nice to see more holiday traditions throughout the special, such as festive decorations, gift-giving, etc. Even having Itchy, Lumpy, and Malla try to spread holiday cheer to the Imperials who come to their house would have helped embody the spirit of a winter holiday. As it is, the special’s only holiday aspect comes at the very end; while this works as the climax to the story, it would have been better to have more moments of festivity throughout.

Conclusion

While it deserves much of the negative reception it’s received, the Star Wars Holiday Special is, like every story, a product of its time. Where the rest of the Star Wars saga is a timeless story, the Holiday Special is a weird time capsule of the late 70’s, for better or worse, a time where where variety shows were viable entertainment, but starting their slide into obsolescence, and the Star Wars franchise was still trying to find its footing. And while there is a lot to dislike here, there’s still some good stuff, too. In a way, the Special is like our own holiday season: If we honestly search for things to be thankful for in a world filled with pain, suffering, and misery, we can find them.

Happy Winter Holidays, everyone.

Favorite Moments: King Kong With A Lightsaber

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

***

The Video

Why it’s great

If I had to pick Hollywood’s most famous weapon, I’d choose the lightsaber. Ever since it’s introduction in 1977’s ‘A New Hope,’ it has become a part of pop culture, imitated, parodied, and sold in toy stores for decades. There’s a long-running joke online that adding lightsabers to anything immediately makes it more awesome, and I can’t think of a better example than seeing a skyscraper-sized monkey wielding a lightsaber against an equally-large reptile.

What We Can Learn From The Biggest Plot Hole In ‘Titanic’ (And No, It’s Not That Hunk Of Wood)

/ Imperfect Glass / 1 Comment

No matter how careful or methodical a director or writer may be, mistakes and plot holes will always sneak into movies and books, and 1997’s ‘Titanic’ is no exception; despite being the most historically accurate film about the famed ship at the time, fans and viewers have long pointed out about how Jack describes Lake Wissota before it was created, about extras bouncing off foam capstans as the stern rises into the sky , and have gone on and on about how Jack could have fit on that hunk of wood after the Titanic sank, letting him and Rose survive the freezing waters of the Atlantic.

Yet, despite being out for over twenty years, one plot hole seems to have escaped notice, one that, if taken to its logical conclusion, would make the events of the film impossible.

In ‘Titanic’s opening scene, treasure hunter Brock Lovett and his motley crew retrieve a safe from the ship and bring it to the surface in search of the Heart of the Ocean, but find only random artifacts, including Jack’s drawings of Rose, which eventually leads to her coming out to the salvage ship and captivating them (and us) with her tale of love, loss, and survival. It’s a great start to the story, but there’s just one problem:

How did the salvage crew get the safe to the surface?

Now, this question seem silly, but the longer you think about it, the more apparent it becomes that getting the safe out of the ship is nearly impossible because of two factors:

1. The weight of the safe.

2. The safe’s location.

Let’s begin with the weight issue: I was unable to find any information online about the safe’s weight, the manufacturer, or the model used in the film, but a search on other safes of similar size from the early 1900’s revealed that they typically weigh around two to three hundred pounds, so we can assume the safe in the film has roughly the same weight (it’s telling that the only time we see the safe being moved in 1912 is when it’s been wheeled into Cal’s suite on a dolly).

Next, let’s look at the safe’s location: The safe is still inside of Cal’s suite on B deck, and within a fairly short distance to the remains of the grand staircase. To get to it, Brock has to dispatch his rover down two decks, go down a hallway, then go through two doors to reach the safe and then pull it out the same way.

Now, at first glance, that sounds difficult, but not insurmountable. But remember that Brock is trying to retrieve a safe that weighs a minimum of two hundred pounds. And unlike in real life, where a safe was retrieved from Titanic’s debris field, Brock can’t just attach the safe to a cable and pull the safe straight up. He has to somehow drag that heavy safe out of the suite, across B deck, and get it to the stairwell. Complicating matters further is that the only tool he has at his disposal is a rover that is not capable of moving heavy objects, much less a two hundred pound safe.

A potential solution to this problem might be to have the control ship Keldysh attach a net to the tow cable on the stern, lower it directly into the stairwell, and then have the rover maneuver the net into the cabin, put said net over the safe, and then winch it out of the ship. But this wouldn’t work: First of all, the end of the cable looks like this:

How is that big, bulky thing supposed to be dragged into B deck and through two staterooms by a tiny robot?

Second, imagine a helicopter hovering five hundred feet above a rotting two story house; it lowers a thick, bulky hook on a cable down the chimney and uses a tiny drone to try and maneuver that hook into a bedroom twenty feet away from the chimney, and then into a closet, then have the rover drape the net over a safe. What do you think will happen when the helicopter tries to winch the safe out of the closet? That’s right: the hook’s housing is going to get caught on the roof, the door frame, or any other number of obstacles. Applying more pressure will just damage the house, make the cable get caught on something else, or even fray it to the point of snapping, and that’s also assuming the net would even stay on the safe and not just slide off.

Now, if Brock wants to do something simpler, a more logical way would be to have the hook snaked in through the windows of the suite’s promenade deck and attach it to the safe, then drag it out through the window. The main advantage of this route is that the distance the safe needs to travel is much shorter, but I don’t think it would work, either; again, the end of the cable is much too big and can’t be maneuvered through the windows. Even if it was, it would get stuck on the window when it was being retracted. Secondly, considering how the metal has been rusting underwater for over 80 years, there’s a reasonable chance that it could break or shatter, creating sharp edges that could cut the cable, and that’s assuming that the safe doesn’t get stuck on debris on the suite’s floors while it’s being dragged about.

When we add in the factors of the safe’s weight, the distance it has to travel, the limited tools at Brock’s disposal, and the difficulty of getting such a heavy object out of a shipwreck, we are faced with one inescapable conclusion: there is no logical way to get the safe out of Titanic. And if there’s no safe, there’s no drawings, and there’s no movie. It would end with Brock being forced to give up his quest, Rose dying in her bed at home, and the movie being only eight minutes long.

And yet, even with all that in mind, this plot hole really doesn’t matter in the long run. At this point in the story, the point is to have the safe retrieved and Jack’s drawings be discovered. How that happens really isn’t important from a story perspective. And while that may sound like a cheat, consider other similar situations from other movies and TV shows:

1. King Kong: The crew of the Venture needs to get Kong from Skull Island to New York City. The story has two options:

Option A: Show Driscoll and the others constructing a raft, tying Kong to it, and sailing hundreds of miles while constantly trying to keep Kong unconscious and unable to break free.

Option B: Just cut to New York a week or two later.

2. Star Wars: A New Hope: Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca are separated deep in the bowels of the Death Star, a moon-sized fortress they’ve never been in before and are unfamiliar with, and they have to get back to the Millennium Falcon to escape. The story has two options:

Option A: Show the four trying to find maps, read directions, and otherwise stumble around until they finally meet up again and find a way to the Falcon.

Option B: Just show them meeting up and seeing the Falcon.

3. The Last Ship: A small squad attacks a Russian warship that’s a long distance away from their own ship and need to be picked up.

Option A: Have the protagonist’s group mount a rescue operation and somehow retrieve the strike team from such a long distance without being blown up or captured by the Russians.

Option B: Cut to the protagonists sailing away from the battlezone with everyone onboard while discussing their next plan of action.

4. Godzilla vs Kong: Kong has to climb from the center of the Earth to the surface to fight Godzilla, a distance of over 12,000 miles, in less than ten minutes.

Option A: Have Kong struggle to reach the surface, taking frequent breaks to try and regain some of his strength from having to climb 1,200 miles a minute, finally reaching the surface so exhausted and so worn out that he has a heart attack and dies.

Option B: Ignore physics and have the giant gorilla get to the surface with no problem and with plenty of strength to fight the radioactive lizard.

In all of these examples, the problems they pose to the story are considerable, and in some cases logically impossible. And yet, they aren’t a problem because it isn’t necessary to see all the steps needed to move a story forward. With a limited runtime or amount of pages, a movie or book has to be choosy about what to focus on and what to show the audience (when was the last time you saw characters stopping to take a bathroom break?).

I think the ultimate takeaway from all this is that a plot hole can sometimes be ignored if it isn’t absolutely required to move the story forward. While writers can and should try to make a story as logical and airtight as possible, we should focus more on telling a good story with engaging characters, keep the momentum moving, and focusing on important details instead of explaining each and every detail. If we do our jobs well, our audiences will either be willing to overlook a problem, or not even notice them at all.

PS: If any readers have a good explanation about how the safe was pulled out of the wreck, please leave a comment and I’ll be happy to update this article with said information.

Playing In The Sandbox

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

When we’re kids, we have the gift of an imagination unconcerned with logic. In the sandbox of our youth, we effortlessly create stories where, say, Optimus Prime teams up with Alan Grant from Jurassic Park to take on Xenomorphs, or have Indiana Jones and James Bond head into outer space to stop Darth Vader in his fortress on Mars. Logic and common sense go out the window in the name of having fun and being able to say, ‘Wow, that’s cool!’ But, alas, as we grow up, this innocence and carefree disregard of intellectual copyrights gradually slips away in favor of logic, common sense, and understanding that franchises – with rare exceptions – are self-contained universes that never overlap.

But what if that didn’t have to be that way? What if we, as adults, were to try and recapture our love of our favorite stories existing in the same universe, but with the challenge of figuring out how it could logically happen?

For the past month, I’ve been… well, obsessed with this idea of creating a fan-made cinematic universe, where all my favorite movies, tv shows, and video games exist together without contradicting each other. While it sounded easy enough, it become a challenging mental exercise in logic and reason; as a fan of spoofs, all of them had to go: ‘Airplane!’ just does not fit in next to ‘Jaws’ and the ‘Terminator’ series, no matter how much I want it to. Likewise, ‘Deep Impact,’ ‘Knowing,’ and 1998’s, ‘Godzilla: the Animated Series’ had to go, as they dealt with world-ending events that just couldn’t be reconciled in a timeline that includes ‘Independence Day.’ And let’s not even start on Saturday morning cartoons featuring anthropomorphic animals.

In the end, I managed to make the task easier by coming up with four parameters:

1. You can have any film, TV show, book, or video game you like in your timeline, but they must not contradict each other to an unworkable degree: The world cannot nearly destroyed by aliens in Roland Emmerich’s ‘Independence Day,’ then have the world and everyone on it be completely destroyed in 2009’s ‘Knowing,’ and then have ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ take place after that.

2. The only information about what year and date your stories take place in must come from the stories themselves, and not from external sources. For example, ‘Alien’ and ‘The Matrix’ are vague about how far in the future they occur, so there’s room for them to be moved about. If a date cannot be reasonably determined, the release date of the movie, book, show, or video game can be used instead.

3. The only information about the characters, organizations, and the like, can only come from the film or show itself, so as to allow maximum creativity in linking characters and organizations together.

4. You are free to disregard any sequels you don’t like.

Still, it wasn’t easy to come up with a grand, unified list, and in the end I had to leave out quite a few favorite films and shows, but I managed to come up with a timeline that I would be happy to sit down and watch (and play) from beginning to end if given the chance. So, just for fun, here’s my ultimate sandbox crossover timeline:

*At the beginning of time, Eru Illuvitar creates Eä (the universe) and within it, the world of Arda, which contains both Middle-Earth and Valinor. The events of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings take place, and the Fourth Age begins with the last of the elves leaving Middle-Earth forever. Several generations later, all traces of magic are gone. (The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings)

*Later, in a galaxy far, far away, The Old Republic, weakening after a thousand generations, succumbs to the schemes of Emperor Palpatine. However, through the efforts of the Rebellion to restore the Old Republic, Palpatine is defeated and his Empire falls. Though the galaxy doesn’t automatically become a utopia, it becomes a much nicer place, as Palpatine doesn’t return from the dead, the Empire stays down, and the New Republic rules a galaxy at peace, and Luke, Han, Leia, and all their friends live happily ever after. (The Star Wars Prequels, Solo, Rogue One, and the Original Star Wars Trilogy)

(Note: In this timeline, the sequel trilogy never happened.)

*A really, really long time later, the humans of Middle Earth have gone through their technological renaissance, achieved the singularity and become godlike beings known as the Engineers. They leave Arda and travel throughout the universe creating life on desolate planets. One such planet – Earth – is located, and seeded with Engineer DNA. (the prologue from Prometheus)

*Sometime later, one of the Engineer’s most dangerous lifeforms is stolen from them by another alien species, only for both to crash-land in Antarctica, where the lifeform is frozen solid. (The Thing)

*For the next few thousand years up until the present day, Predators – having discovered Earth during their own interplanetary visits – use it as a hunting ground for their young to become adults. (backstory for Alien vs. Predator)

1868: Captain Nemo of the submarine Nautilus attacks military ships and destroys the island of Vulcania to stop their weapons of war. Nemo is killed and the submarine sinks shortly after: it’s wreckage – and the highly advanced technology it carries – are never found. (20,000 Leagues Under The Sea)

1895 to approximately 1910: William Murdoch of the Toronto Constabulary solves lots of crimes with his partners and friends while meeting lots of historical figures and even finding the Holy Chalice. (Murdoch Mysteries)

1904: A predator hunting expedition to Antarctica ends with the deaths of every human at the whaling camp on Bouvetøya. (backstory for Alien vs Predator)

1912: Rose DeWitt Bukater sails aboard the RMS Titanic, only to fall in love with third class artist Jack Dawson. Jack dies during the ship’s sinking, but saves Rose, who goes on to live a long and eventful life. (Titanic).

1930: In one of the most remarkable discoveries ever recorded, a group of filmmakers led by Carl Denham land on the previously uncharted Skull Island and find wildlife that survived the extinction of the dinosaurs and has continued evolving to the present day, including a giant ape known as King Kong. Kong is captured and brought to New York City, but is killed. Shortly afterwords, Denham heads back to the island in the hopes of finding treasure, but Skull Island and everyone on it are destroyed by a sudden earthquake. All traces of the island vanish. (King Kong and Son of Kong)

1935-1947: Although his exploits remain unknown to the world at large, archaeologist Indiana Jones becomes an unsung hero of the Second World War due this efforts preventing the Nazis and other despots from gaining supernatural artifacts that could have turned the war in their favor or allowed them to conquer the world, such as the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, the power of Atlantis, the Holy Grail (separate from the Holy Chalice), and the Infernal Machine. (Indiana Jones and the Emperor’s Tomb, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, and Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine)

1941: U-96 goes on the worst u-boat patrol ever. (Das Boot)

1942: The USS Copperfin undertakes a daring mission to Tokyo Bay to gather intelligence that will aid in the upcoming Doolittle raid. (Destination Tokyo)

1955-1960 (approximate): Father Brown helps solve a lot of crimes in his parish of Kembleford, England. (Father Brown)

1957: Indiana Jones stops the Soviet Union from obtaining the power of the Crystal Skull and marries his sweetheart, Marion Ravenwood. (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

1972: During a voyage on the high seas, the luxury liner SS. Poseidon capsizes and sinks with heavy loss of life. (The Poseidon Adventure)

1974: The Glass Tower – the world’s grandest skyscraper – catches fire in San Francisco and almost burns down, but is extinguished. The building languishes for years as the cost of repairs is too much for its owners, yet the cost of demolishing it is equally too expensive. (The Towering Inferno)

1975: In the small coastal town of Amity Bay, a sheriff and his motley crew manage to kill a shark terrorizing the community. (Jaws)

1978: A zombie apocalypse is unleashed upon the Earth, causing a complete breakdown of society. Four survivors flee to a shopping mall, where two die. The last two manage to escape and flee in a helicopter as the mall is overrun. They are forced to land in a remote area, where they travel across the country and eventually take refuge inside the remains of the Glass Tower, where they hold out with other survivors, including Jack Torrance and his family. When the plague dies out, the zombies are wiped out in an ensuing counterattack by humanity, with Jack Torrance killing several with an axe when San Francisco is cleared. (Dawn of the Dead)

1980: Jack Torrance and his family, trying to get a fresh start after the zombie apocalypse, head to the Overlook Hotel, where Jack – his marriage already on the ropes and suffering from alcoholism – goes insane and tries to kill the two, who manage to escape, leaving him to freeze to death. (The Shining)

1982: A team of researchers in Antarctica discovers the Thing, but are almost wiped out. A few hours later, a second team encounters the creature and just barely manages to save the planet from the Thing when it is frozen solid once again, though Childs and MacReady freeze as well. Reports from Kate Lloyd (who sent out a broadcast before she froze to death) ensure that the site is napalmed for a week straight to ensure that any traces of the Thing are destroyed for good. (The Thing and The Thing)

1984: A Terminator arrives in Los Angeles to kill Sarah Conner, son of the future savior of humanity, John Connor, who will lead the human race to victory against Skynet, an AI developed to control all of the United State’s military systems in 1997. However, the Terminator fails, and Sarah sets off on her quest to learn as many military and survival skills that she will one day pass on to her son. (The Terminator)

1987: Dutch Schaefer – a former military commando turned mercenary – is employed by the CIA to go on a supposed rescue mission in South America, only to be hunted by an intergalactic hunter. Dutch is the only survivor of his group and decides to retire from mercenary work, having seen too much death. He will later survive the events of Judgment Day and join the human Resistance against Skynet, but will be captured and have his likeness used for the 101 model of the T-800. However, he still escapes and goes on to survive the war. (Predator)

1991: The Perfect Storm takes place. (The Perfect Storm)

1993: John Hammond opens a theme park full of dinosaurs. It is a complete disaster and the park is abandoned. (Jurassic Park)

Nasty weatherman Phil Connors is trapped in a time warp in Pennsylvania, but eventually breaks free and lives the rest of his life as a changed man. However, he is unaware that the time warp took place due to an anomaly caused by constant time-traveling between the Resistance and Skynet as they continuously try to defeat and destroy one another. (Groundhog Day)

1995: Two more terminators arrive from the future to both assassinate and protect John Conner. The T-1000 is defeated, and the T-800 seemingly erases Skynet from existence after sacrificing itself to destroy all traces of the program before it is created. (Terminator 2: Judgment Day)

Air Force One is hijacked with President James Marshall aboard. He manages to take out the terrorists and escapes with his family and most of the passengers and crew before the plane crashes. He finishes up his term as President and retires from public life as his successor, Thomas Whitmore, takes office. (Air Force One)

A volcano erupts at Dante’s Peak, Washington, ruining everyone’s day, including a woman who looks strikingly similar to Sarah Connor. (Dante’s Peak).

Ingen attempts to open a new dinosaur park in San Diego. Having learned nothing from the 1993 Isla Nublar incident, it fails miserably. (The Lost World: Jurassic Park)

A cowboy doll named Woody struggles with the thought of being replaced by a cooler, modern space ranger toy, but the two reconcile their differences and learn that there’s no greater joy than making a child happy. (Toy Story)

1996: Now 100 years old, Rose Dawson recounts her survival aboard Titanic to a salvage crew, and then dies peacefully of old age, moving into the afterlife and reuniting with Jack. (Titanic).

John Conner and Sarah Conner continue their quest to ensure Skynet won’t come back, eventually infiltrating a Cyberdyne presentation of their latest technology, at which point yet another T-1000 comes back through time to stop them, and yet another T-800 model 101 comes through to protect them. John and the T-800 go forward in time and manage to destroy Skynet’s system core, seemingly destroying Skynet for good… again. (T2 – 3D: Battle Across Time)

On July 2nd, 1996, one of the most monumental days in humanity’s history occurs as aliens arrive and attempt to kill everyone on the planet in order to pillage our world’s resources. Thankfully, they are repelled in the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind (which is preceded by one of the greatest speeches in history), and humanity rejoices in overcoming their common enemy. (Independence Day)

1999: Scientists working on a remote, underwater research facility attempt to use enhanced Great White Sharks to cure Alzheimer’s disease. They fail, and after much death and bloodshed, the project is abandoned. (Deep Blue Sea)

Special operative Gabe Logan works to save the wold from a deadly virus known as Syphon Filter. Along the way, he manages to take down the shadowy Agency that employs him and reforms it from the ground up as a force of good. His arch-nemesis, Mara Armaov, almost manages to retrieve a sample of the last known sample of the virus, but her submarine is blown up by Logan’s operatives, ending the virus’ threat for good. (Syphon Filter 1, 2, and 3)

Woody suffers an existential crisis when he realizes that his owner will one day outgrow him. Thankfully, he manages to overcome it. (Toy Story 2)

2001: Dr. Alan Grant, a survivor of the 1993 Isla Nublar incident, is kidnapped and taken to Isla Sorna, where he assists a divorced couple in rescuing their son from the dinosaur-filled island. (Jurassic Park 3)

2002: In New York City (now rebuilt from being vaporized by aliens), a young man is bitten by a genetically altered spider and goes on to fight crime. (the Sony Spider-Man trilogy)

2003: Gordon Hauge suffers a breakup from his wife, only to end up Purgatory, where he helps defeat an inter-dimensional being hell-bent on invading our world and conquering it. He survives, and manages to help free several noble souls trapped within, who move on to Heaven, while Gordon reconciles with his wife. (Despiser)

John Connor, having survived an alien invasion with his mother (who later died of leukemia), learns that Judgment Day has not been stopped, but postponed when yet another T-800 arrives to protect him from yet another advanced Terminator. His attempts to stop it again fail, and the war against the machines begins (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines). It continues for several more years (Terminator Salvation) . However, due to countless instances of both the Resistance and Skynet traveling through time to wipe each other out (which includes Terminator Genysis and Terminator: Dark Fate), the Resistance eventually manages to stabilize the timeline, ensuring that Skynet was indeed defeated in 1995, seemingly preventing it from ever being created.

John manages to sober up and eventually live a peaceful, quiet life, though he forever remains on the lookout for any sign of Skynet’s continued existence.

Dutch Schafer, having never been abducted by Skynet, enjoys his retirement in peace as well.

2004: Three Predators arrive on Earth to begin the traditional fight against Xenomorphs that will prove their worth as adults, but all three of them die, making it a waste of time. Worse still, the only human survivor – Alexis Woods – freezes to death before she can alert humanity about the Xenomorph and predator races. A subsequent search for her by the authorities fails to find her, along with any trace of the pyramid where the battle took place. Shortly afterwords, the Weyland corporation collapses. (Alien vs. Predator)

2005: The Masrani corpation – having purchased all of Ingen’s assets – defies history and opens Jurassic World to fantastic success. (backstory for Jurassic World)

Peter Weyland – a distant relative to Charles Weyland – is born, destined to one day revive the defunct Weyland corporation.

2009: A special forces team is dispatched to Ibis Island to recover a scientist and his groundbreaking Third Energy research. However, they are surprised to find the island swarming with dinosaurs due to said energy’s time-warping effects, and just barely escape after the island is destroyed. (Dino Crisis)

2010: Regina – one of the survivors of the Ibis Island incident – participates in a rescue operation where a region of the American midwest has been altered due to Third Energy shenanigans. She alone manages to escape after her teammates are wiped out by dinosaurs, but manages to use time-travel to come back and rescue one of them before he dies. As a result of the incident, the Third Energy program is shut down and abandoned. (Dino Crisis 2)

Andy grows up and heads off to college, but not before passing Woody, Buzz, and all his other beloved toys off to Bonnie so that they can be played with and loved as much as he loved them. (Toy Story 3)

2013: In a stunning move, North Korea attacks the White House to try and turn the United States into a radioactive wasteland. Thankfully, they are stopped. (Olympus has Fallen)

2015: The Indominus Rex is due to be debuted at Jurassic World, but escapes and leads to the park being shut down, as well as leaving several teenagers stranded on the island. (Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Camp Cretatecous)

2018: Captain Joe Glass – who looks strikingly like Secret Service agent Mike Banning – averts a war between Russia and the United States after saving the Russian president from a coup attempt. (Hunter Killer)

Isla Nublar is rendered uninhabitable by a volcanic eruption, but some of its dinosaur population is evacuated by a group of greedy human mercenaries who want to make lots of money selling the dinosaurs to private collectors and militaries. However, the dinosaurs escape into the wild, leading to the Human-Dinosaur war. Humanity eventually wins with the help of Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, and Ian Malcom (And an older John Conner, who teams up with Regina, Dylan, and Rick from the Third Energy incidents, but the two groups never meet), but not without great cost. (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and Jurassic World: Dominion)

2060: John Conner, having stopped Judgment Day, and having survived both an alien invasion and a war between humanity and dinosaurs, dies peacefully of old age.

2089: Archaeologist Elizabeth Shaw discovers several cave paintings suggesting that humanity did not evolve on Earth, but was created by extra-terrestrial beings. (Prometheus)

2093: The Prometheus expedition – funded by Peter Weyland – arrives on LV-223 and learns about the existence of the Engineers and that we are like them on a genetic level (they are the race of men from Middle-Earth, after all). However, the expedition ends in disaster, and only Elizabeth Shaw and the android David survive. They set out to find the Engineer homeworld. (Prometheus)

2105: The colony ship Covenant hears a transmission from a planet while en-route to colonize a distant world, only to discover that the android David – now the sole survivor of the Prometheus expedition after murdering Elizabeth – has decided to create life to wipe out his creators via Xenomorphs, who he reverse-engineered in an attempt to improve upon one of the Engineer’s most perfect creations. While he succeeds in escaping the planet he was trapped upon, David and the Covenant are lost in space, and destroyed by surviving Engineers hell-bent on avenging their slain brethren. Before he is destroyed however, David sends a transmission to the Weyland Yutani corporation, letting them know of the existence of a crashed Engineer ship on LV-426. (Alien: Coventant)

2122: Weyland Yutani diverts the Nostromo to LV-426 to obtain a specimen of the Xenomorph species for study. The crew of the ship are killed, save for Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley, who defeats the Xenomorph and sets off for earth in the Nostromo’s shuttle. (Alien).

2137: Ellen’s daughter, Amanda, searches for a clue as to her mother’s disappearance. While she does find a voice recording of Ellen, she will never see her again. (Alien: Isolation)

2179: After spending 57 years in hypersleep, Ellen Ripley once again faces off against more xenomorphs, but manages to survive again, and rescue a girl that she later adopts. The two live happily ever after, while the Weyland Yutani corporation’s evil deeds are exposed, and they are dissolved. (Aliens)

2250: Experiments with inter-dimensional technology take place on a Union Aerospace Corporation base on Mars, and unwittingly opens a portal to hell, triggering a demonic invasion of the moons Phobos and Deimos. Everyone on the bases are killed, but the invasion is stopped by a single marine, who single-handily beats the demons back, ventures into Hell, and kills the mastermind behind the invasion. (Doom)

However, while the Marine was busy, Hell invades Earth and quickly reduces it to a barren wreck. The Marine hurries to Earth and manages to help humanity’s population evacuate before going back into Hell and killing the biggest demon in existence, who’s death throes destroys Hell itself. With Hell defeated, the Marine journeys back to Earth to help rebuild it. (Doom 2)

2300: Skynet – which had secretly sent itself back through time before losing the war against the Resistance and hidden in various computer systems for over a century, decides to once again overthrow humanity and, having learned from its past mistakes, succeeds. But instead of completely destroying the human race, Skynet decides to keep them as slaves for revenge after being foiled so many times in the past, and plugs humanity into a virtual reality system to pacify them, a system it calls the Matrix. As a backup to protect itself, Skynet wipes all traces of itself from all known databanks and creates a fabricated history about humanity creating AI that wanted to peacefully co-exist with them, only to erupt into a war that led to humanity’s defeat.

With humanity under its complete control, Skynet finally achieves ultimate victory over its most hated enemy.

2700: Skynet – having realized that it can never achieve complete control of humans – has created an incredibly convoluted system to allow the Matrix to be re-created over and over again thanks to the One program. This plan backfires when the seventh One arises (The Matrix) and then breaks the system (The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions). However, this has an unexpected benefit: Skynet, having evolved to want an existence without the fear of being overthrown and destroyed, makes peace with humanity (who remain unaware of Skynet, and refers to all artificial life forms as ‘The Machines’). Now aware of how hellish Earth has become, the overwhelming majority of humanity decide that it’s better to live in an ideal, 1990’s virtual world rather than the sewers of megacities and eat flavorless porridge.

Eventually, Skynet manages to clean up the planet, and both humans and machines unite to create a new utopia where organics and mechanical beings alike work together to create a beautiful future for all of them.

Watching it all, Eru Illuvitar is impressed and awed at how his grand experiment has gone.