Horror

My Zombie Apocalypse Team

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

As December draws ever closer, and retail workers start going mad from hearing Mariah Carey singing about Christmas several thousand times a day, I figured it would be fun to extend spooky season just a bit longer to counter the too-early holiday cheer by trying my hand at the ‘My Zombie Survival Team’ meme that’s been floating around the internet since 2010. For those who aren’t aware, the meme’s exactly what it sounds like: You are heading out into a zombie apocalypse, but you get to choose who will be on your team: The leader, the brawler, the weapons expert, the smart one, the medic, the one who can move really fast, the team mascot, and the inevitable annoying guy or gal who will die first.

While it would be easy to recruit non-humans who could wipe the floor with the undead menace (Optimus Prime, Dracula, the Terminator, etc.) let’s make things interesting and pick only humans with no supernatural powers. Here’s who’d be on my team:

Team Leader: John Connor from ‘The Terminator: The Burning Earth’

Image: Dark Horse Comics

There’s no shortage of leaders in fiction who could lead a small group of people trying to survive a zombie apocalypse, but John Connor’s resume is particularly impressive: As the man destined by fate to save humanity from Skynet, a middle-aged John has kept humanity alive as the war against the machines reaches its 40th and final year, a testament to his leadership skills. But John’s no armchair general; even at his advanced age, he’s still fit enough to climb cliffs, run, and engage in combat with Skynet’s forces while getting only an hour of sleep at a time, and has the ability to think quickly and efficiently in life and death situations. And when worst comes to worst, John is willing to make impossible choices, such as euthanizing injured people who can’t be saved, a decision that would be valuable (if unwanted) in a zombie apocalypse.

Strengths:

*Decades of combat experience leading humanity in a war against a highly-intelligent supercomputer with legions of zombie-like enemies.

*High level of compassion towards people and reverence for human life, which would help survivors trust him.

*Great physical stamina and combat abilities for a man his age, reducing his chance of becoming a burden to others.

*Destined by fate to save the human race, whether it be from Skynet or a zombie apocalypse.

Brawler: Indiana Jones

Image: Disney

The world’s most famous archaeologist would be a great addition to any zombie team: his decades of experience in exploring tombs, lost cities, and swinging around on his whip would be invaluable when it comes to getting through abandoned cities, towns, and dangerous locations left to crumble in the wake of a zombie onslaught. And while there are others who are stronger, bigger, and faster, Indy takes up the mantle of the group’s brawler because of his ability to quickly improvise when taking on opponents – sometimes several at a time – who are better at fighting than he is. It also helps that Indy has almost supernatural amounts of luck; no matter how bad or hard things get, the universe always seems to step in to give Indy a way out, whether when trying to save the Ark from a convoy of Nazis, or when taking on another convoy of Nazis armed with a tank; such a gift would be a huge advantage in taking on the undead and hostile humans in a post-apocalyptic world.

Strengths:

*Extensive experience in one-on-one fights, which would come in handy when fighting hostile survivors.

*Able to improvise on the fly and frequently defeat opponents with more skill, strength, and numbers than him.

*Possesses incredible, almost supernatural luck when it comes to getting out of hostile situations.

*Years of experience exploring dangerous locations would translate well to exploring abandoned cities.

Weapons Expert: Gabe Logan

Image: Sony Computer Entertainment

The protagonist of the Syphon Filter video game series joins my team as its weapons expert: as a former soldier in the US’s special forces, and a secret agent who single-handily took down a huge, secretive black-ops agency who tried to unleash a manufactured virus upon the world, Gabe is a master of modern combat, equally capable of using stealth and raw firepower to achieve his objectives, and can use virtually any modern weapon, whether they be pistols, submachine guns, rifles, shotguns, grenade launchers, explosives, and even knives with incredible accuracy. When Gabe’s skill with firearms is coupled with his incredible physical strength (he can hang one-armed and fire a one-handed weapon with perfect accuracy), and tactical abilities (he’s taken on and defeated soldiers in bullet-proof armor, attack helicopters, and even tanks) he becomes the group’s all-around weapons expert who can engage zombies in a full-on assault, quietly take them out one-by-one, or snipe them from afar. Finally, Gabe is very trusting towards other people and is a natural leader, having led the Agency after bringing it down, making him an invaluable member of any team going through a zombie-infested wasteland.

Strengths:

*Over thirty years of combat experience in a multitude of environments around the world that required both open combat and stealth, allowing him to tackle any situation involving zombies or hostile humans.

*Excellent marksman with almost every known modern weapon.

*Good inter-personnel and leadership skills.

Brains: Aragorn II

Image: Warner Bros. Pictures

When most people think of the brains of a group, they imagine a computer genius who can hack any computer system and help restart civilization after the zombies are wiped out. But I think a certain kind of intelligence is needed in a zombie apocalypse: with technology all-but guaranteed to fail and be decades away from being restarted, a better choice would be someone who is skilled in the art of surviving off the land, and Aragorn, son of Arathorn, is the right man for the job.

While he’s best known for being a great swordsman and the king of Gondor after Sauron was defeated (spoiler alert for a 69 year old book), one of Aragorn’s often overlooked abilities is his time spent wandering Middle-Earth as a ranger for 57 years, giving him plenty of experience in hunting, finding food, and using natural resources to cure and treat wounds and diseases in lands full of orcs, bandits and monsters, all of which would serve him well in the desolate lands of a zombie hellscape. Those skills are further augmented from the knowledge and wisdom Aragorn learned from growing up with elves in Rivendell, and from the wizard Gandalf.

If you’re looking for someone who has the smarts to help you survive in the wild when you’re not being attacked by brain-eating zombies, and to help you take out zombies when they are attacking, Aragorn’s your man.

Strengths:

*Almost 60 years of experience surviving and thriving in the wildness against monsters and hostile humans, making survival in a post-apocalyptic wasteland much easier.

*Excellent leadership skills from serving as king of Gondor for 122 years, giving him unmatched experience when dealing with friendly and hostile groups, as well as diplomacy. (John Connor remains team leader due to leading armies in fighting Skynet non-stop for decades, where Aragorn primarily ruled in a time of peace.)

*Excellent melee and swordsmanship skills, an invaluable asset in a world where bullets would become very rare.

Medic: Dr. Beverly Crusher

Image: Paramount Pictures

It was surprisingly hard coming up with a pop culture healer who didn’t have magical abilities, but I ended up going with Beverly Crusher, chief medical officer on the Starship Enterprise D and E. Her biggest advantage in taking on the role of the group’s healer is that she has the best medical equipment the 24th century has to offer. Even if she can only carry what’s in an expanded medkit, that would include a dermal regenerator for treating minor skin wounds, an osteogenic stimulator for minor bone fractures, and a medical tricorder, an invaluable device that could help in the treatment of (presumably) almost any known ailment, and possibly a regular tricorder, which can possibly act as a miniature library of 24th century data and information, which would be very handy when it comes to rebuilding the world after the zombie apocalypse is over. But that doesn’t stop there: as shown in ‘The Next Generation’ episode, ‘The Survivors’, portable replicators exist, so if Beverly knows she’s going into a zombie apocalypse wasteland, she’d make sure to carry one to replicate an almost limitless supply of food, drink, medical supplies, and clothing. And because Starfleet personnel don’t go into the field unarmed, Beverly would also carry a personal phaser, and possibly a phaser rifle, both of which would be an invaluable tool and weapon against the living dead.

However, even 24th century technology requires energy to operate, and would eventually die and become useless. But even then, Beverly would still have her medical training to fall back on, and like almost everyone else on this list, Beverly has an aptitude for leadership, benefiting her roles as head of the Enterprise’s medical teams, and Starfleet Medical in general. Throw in her ability to be cool under pressure and ability to fight when needed, and Beverly becomes an invaluable member of any zombie-fighting team.

Strengths:

*Carries multiple weapons and tools from the 24th century that would make survival much, much easier.

*Extensive medical training, allowing her to treat a wide array of ailments and injuries.

*Ability to remain cool under pressure.

*Apt at both leadership and combat when the need arises.

Speed Fighter: Doom Guy

Image: id Software

Finding a human who can fight hard and fight fast without supernatural abilities or technology that would inevitably run out of power is tricky… but there’s one guy who is not only fast, but arguably the best fighter out of anyone in this group: Doomguy, the protagonist of the long-running Doom series. For the purposes of this list, we’re sticking with Doomguy as he appeared in the original 1990 series, where he is an ordinary human without the supernatural abilities from later games. But why does a heavily-muscled space marine become a speedster? Easy: Doomguy is so fast, he can outrun rockets! To be more specific, he can reach speeds of up to 90 miles an hour while weighing over 1,200 pounds, meaning he has the strongest legs in human history. Couple this with his unbreakable will and experience in fighting zombies (and demons), and Doomguy becomes the group’s sledgehammer against the zombie hordes; the only thing stopping Doomguy from taking care of everything himself while the others relax and sip pina coladas from Beverly’s replicator is that he’s just as vulnerable to damage as any other human, meaning that if he’s shot enough or ganged up on, he’d still be killed. But even as a glass cannon, Doomguy’s speed, brawn, and combat skills make him an unbeatable ally in the fight against the undead.

Strengths:

*Endless stamina and the fastest running speed of any human who has ever lived.

*Unbreakable will from fighting thousands, if not millions of zombies and demons both in our world, and in Hell itself.

*Experience in using a variety of weapons ranging from his fists, rocket launchers, and plasma weapons.

Mascot: Ellen Ripley

Image: Disney

Mascots are supposed to be cute, adorable, an animal, or otherwise sympathetic person. But for my group’s mascot, I went with Ellen Ripley. She’s not cute, she’s not adorable, and she’s not a happy-go-lucky innocent, but Ellen represents some of the best humanity has to offer: Gifted with the ability to think and act through fear no matter how frightened she is, Ellen can combine that with her pragmatic, no-nonsense leadership to become a force to be reckoned with, so much so that a bunch of battle-hardened marines turned to her – an untrained civilian – to help lead them when aliens wiped out half their squad.

Yet, beneath her fierce, focused exterior is a woman who cares about others and is capable of acts of extreme bravery in the face of overwhelming danger. While Ellen can fight, her biggest strength is being the rock that people can cling to when things are at their worst. More than anyone else in the group, Ellen demonstrates humanity at its bravest, and that earns her the mantle as the face, heart, and soul of the team.

Strengths:

*Extraordinary ability to think and act through fear.

*Pragmatic, no-nonsense leadership abilities.

*Extreme bravery in the face of danger.

Guy Who Dies First: Helena Shaw

Image: Disney

As the co-protagonist of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, Helena may be quick on her feet and cunning, but she would be the first to die: As a con artist who ultimately only cares about herself, Helena wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice everyone else to save her own life the moment things got dangerous, or bolt after grabbing whatever supplies she could carry. Either way, Helena would quickly find herself alone and surrounded by dozens or hundreds of the undead. While she’d be able to evade them for a time, she would inevitably reach a point where she has no one to help her (or she’s being actively shot at by people she’s double-crossed), and be quickly turned into Purina zombie chow. While ruthlessness and cunning would be useful assets in a zombie apocalypse, having friends and allies to help you is an even greater advantage, and selfish con artists would quickly find themselves in short supply of both.

Strengths:

*Being able to emotionally manipulate and deceive people.

*Quick on her feet.

Conclusion:

When it comes to survival in a zombie apocalypse, it’s tempting to assemble a team of people who are excellent warriors, tough, and all-around badasses who can survive just fine on their own. But if a zombie outbreak rally happened, there’s one thing that would matter more than anything else: being able to work together with others. While pop-culture loves lone wolves like Rambo, a group would realistically have a much higher chance of survival when it comes to fighting millions, if not billions of zombies: being able to cooperate with others, sharing resources, and having someone to watch your back leads to a higher chance of survival compared to a lone individual who gets injured with no one around to help them. That’s why I think my team, which relies heavily on those who are skilled in both leadership and combat, would have an excellent chance of survival. But what about you? Who would you have on your team? Let us know in the comments below!

11 Great Things About David Gordon Green’s ‘Halloween’ trilogy

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

Note: This post spoils the stories of the 2018 film Halloween and its two sequels: Halloween Kills and Halloween Ends. It also contains videos depicting fictional gore and violence that is not safe for work. It also contains a clip of a fictional character killing themselves.

It’s spooky season once more, and you know what that means: horror movies, slasher villains, and buckets of blood and gore. We’ve gotten a lot of horror franchises over the years, but only the classics endure, and the granddaddy of them is the Halloween franchise. While quite tame by today’s standards, the original was groundbreaking when it was release back in 1978, introducing the seemingly unkillable Michael Myers to silver screens everywhere, and beginning one of horror’s longest-running franchises.

Two years ago, David Gordon Green’s sequel trilogy – which acted as a direct followup to the original 1978 film – came to an end with Halloween Ends. Although the trilogy has gotten a mixed reception from fans, I think that, despite some narrative inconsistances, there’s a lot to like about the films. Here are eleven of my favorites:

11. Michael Meyers, Child Killer

While horror films can get away with a lot that other genres can’t, killing children is one of the things normally frowned upon. But Halloween, Kills, and Ends has no problem with Michael killing children.

While Michael was never even remotely a good guy, having him kill children in painful ways (I don’t even want to know what happened to the poor kid who wore that blood-drenched skull mask) shows viewers that he’s one killer who doesn’t mess around and is willing to kill anyone he comes across. Yet, even then he spares an infant in the first film, and we never find out why, further cementing that he’s a force of evil that doesn’t bother to explain itself to his victims.

10. Laurie and Michael’s Reunion

Throughout the first film of the sequel trilogy, we get to see how Laurie prepared herself for an inevitable rematch with Michael, and what follows isn’t so much a fight, but a one-man siege:

What I like about this even though Laurie has been preparing for this fight for years, she still can’t kill Michael with guns or brute force, and has to resort to trickery and help from her daughter and granddaughter, and even then it’s still not enough to kill Michael (who, at this point, is 61 years old).

One little thing that makes this scene even better is the moment when Laurie calls out for Ray: you can almost hear Michael thinking, “Wait a minute… I know that voice.” And then, turning his head, he sees Laurie through the door, recognizes the girl who got away so long ago, and decides to finish what he started back in ‘78.

9. Old Man Michael

One of my favorite things about the Halloween sequel trilogy is that the films acknowledge Michael’s age. Instead of trying to make him an eternally youthful man, Michael has aged to the point where he could collect social security checks and get senior discounts at the grocery store. By acknowledging that the bogeyman is getting old, it makes Michael’s kills all the more unique because we rarely get to see a senior-citizen slasher villain in stories, much less one who has three movies to play around in.

8. The Innocent Inmate’s Suicide

Though the trilogy is focused on horror and kills, it’s most emotional moment is when one of Michael’s fellow inmates from the asylum realizes that an enraged mob – who believes that he’s Michael – is going to tear him limb-from-limb. They can’t be stopped, they can’t be reasoned with, and the man – who is harmless and terrified – decides that the only thing he can do is jump to his death rather than face an even worse death at their hands.

Afterwords, the shock from all those present drives home how they’ve realized that their fear, paranoia, and desire to kill Michael have turned them into monsters on par with Michael himself.

7. Michael vs the Mob

The climax of ‘Kills’ sees Michael’s bloodiest, goriest, and highest body count in any of his films when he’s attacked by dozens of Haddonfield’s citizens.

He’s shot, clubbed, hit, beaten to the ground and seemingly defeated; it’d be a perfect ending to the series to have ordinary people unite and take Michael down for good… and then he lashes out, gets right back up, and kills everyone in the crowd.

Though the trilogy flip-flops on if Michael is supernatural or just a man, this scene proves that while Michael may look human, he is anything but.

6. Michael’s Evil Infecting Haddonfield

Though Michael is and always will be the face of the Halloween franchise, an idea that’s been brought up again and again is that evil always changes shape, and that killing Michael will mean that someone will eventually take his place. However, there’s another aspect of this that is subtly implied throughout the trilogy: that the evil within Michael corrupts everyone around it. When Michael returns to Haddonfield, the people there start to become paranoid and act violently to try and stop him, only succeeding in killing innocents and themselves, until Corey is seduced and corrupted in Ends, almost becoming Michael’s successor.

Michael may be a remorseless killer, but he is also a tumor that infects, corrupts, and destroys everyone around him. He’s a prime example of how evil can create a cycle of fear, death, and revenge that is almost impossible to stop.

5. Michael’s Supernatural Abilities

There’s been many theories on why Michael is so durable and hard to kill, and while Ends says that he’s just a man, I don’t think that’s true: Michael takes damage throughout the trilogy that would kill a man half his age and demonstrates endurance, durability, and strength beyond anything any normal person could endure: name any other man in his 60’s who can beat someone to death with their fists, he can crush a man’s head into pulp by smashing it with his boot, take a firehose of water to the chest without flinching, and hit someone with a baseball bat so hard that the bat itself is broken into two.

I’m of the theory that while Michael himself is human, the evil he contains makes him so much stronger and durable than any man could ever be, and while that power fades with age, it’s still always there, always driving him on, always giving him what he needs to continue his killing spree.

4. Michael vs the Firefighters

Michael gets into a lot of fights throughout the trilogy, but in terms of sheer ‘cool’ factor, this is my favorite:

Not only does this fight have a fantastic setting (taking place in front of a burning house), it demonstrates just how inhumanly strong Michael as as he takes down nine firemen who are armed with axes, firehoses, and even saws. But this fight is also a moment of awesome for the firefighters themselves: the moment they see Michael step outside, they instantly know who he is, but they don’t panic, run, or call for backup: instead, they stand their ground and fight. And while they all die, at least they go down fighting.

Fun fact: The house burning down during the scene? That was done for real, which meant that the filmmakers had about an hour to finish filming before the house collapsed. Thankfully, they did!

3. The Final Confrontation Between Laurie and Michael

The first sequel had a fight to the death between Laurie and Michael, but in my opinion, the final battle between the two in Ends is so much more gripping: Michael – now worn down from years of untreated injuries – comes to Laurie’s house and realizes she’s nearby. Laurie – who has given up on being a highly-trained survivalist – has no time to prepare as Michael comes for her, ending in a final, no-holds-barred beatdown between the two.

While the fight isn’t flashy or filled with fancy choreography, I love its atmosphere: this fight really feels like a final confrontation over 40 years in the making, both in-universe and out. Predator and Prey – both of whom are past their physical prime – fight to the death with nothing to lose and throw everything they have at each other, all backed with a near-apocalyptic soundtrack that makes things so much more intense. This is the last time Laurie and Michael will ever fight, and they give it their all. Many a fan has decried how Michael should have been able to kill her easily, but having Michael be old, worn out, and worn down from all the injuries he’s accumulated makes things more evenly matched between the two, and makes Laurie’s final victory all the more satisfying.

2. Michael is Killed For Good

There’s a saying in the world of comics: no one ever stays dead (except Uncle Ben), and the same can be said for slasher franchises: no matter how many times a villain is supposedly killed off for real, box office profits ensure he or she will always come back, no matter how convoluted the explanation may be. But while Michael will return for the inevitable reboot of the Halloween franchise, this timeline ends him in the most concrete way possible: by throwing his body into an industrial shredder and tearing him into bloody pulp.

There’s no way, NONE, that Michael can come back from this, and there’s one aspect of this scene that makes it so satisfying beyond seeing an evil man finally getting his just deserts: Throughout the series, Michael always comes back from every injury he takes. Whether it’s immediately, in a minute, a few hours, or even years, he always comes back, and I believe that Michael did not actually die in the fight with Laurie. Instead, he was so weakened from the loss of blood and his accumulated injuries that he couldn’t move, and while the evil possessing him was working to try and heal his body, the process couldn’t be completed when he was thrown into the shredder. Thus, Michael Myers truly died when the shredder tore him apart, and he felt all the pain that came with it: a far more just and deserved ending after all the lives Michael took, the fear he spread, and the suffering he inflicted on so many.

1. A Hopeful Ending

One reason I generally avoid horror films and franchises is the constant trope of downer endings where evil wins and nothing good comes from all the sacrifices, struggles, and suffering of the protagonists. Thankfully, Ends avoids this with a bittersweet, but hopeful ending:

After so many decades, Laurie finally kills Michael and frees both herself and Haddonfield from his reign of terror. While she cannot get back all the years and loved ones she’s lost, Laurie can now heal and create a new life for herself, complete with a new relationship with officer Hawkins. And best of all, in the final shots of the film, there’s no sound of Michael breathing. His mask remains, but the man – and the evil he carried – is truly gone, and it’s a great way to end the original Halloween timeline.

Favorite Moments: The Vanishing of S.S. Willie

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

***

The Video

Why it’s great

January 1rst, 2024 marked one of the most monumental days in pop culture, as that was the day that Mickey Mouse, one of the most famous animated characters in history, passed into the public domain… Well, the version of him that appeared in ‘Steamboat Willie,’ at least. While every version of the mouse that came after is still under Disney’s lock and key, everyone is now free to do whatever they want with Mickey 1.0, and people are already doing what they do best: creating cheap horror movies that turn a beloved children’s icon into a blood-crazed killer.

One video, though, takes the unique route of turning ‘Steamboat Willie’ into a found-footage horror documentary. What I adore about this video is that, unlike countless horror films and shorts, it doesn’t rely on gallons of blood or jumpscares, instead using mystery and the unknown for its scares. Like the Norwegian camp scene from 1982’s ‘The Thing,’ we see the aftermath of something horrible and are left to imagine what horrible things happened on the S.S. Willie. As the old saying goes, what you don’t see is scarier than what you do see, and your imagination can come up with horrors far more terrifying that anything CGI can create.

Favorite Moments: Counselor Troi’s Christmas Spirit!

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

***

The Video

Why it’s great

Christmas is just around the corner! As you go about your day today, wrapping presents and doing last-second shopping, please take a moment to silently thank all the retail employees who are working to ensure you can get your holiday gifts and favorite foods, all while being forced to listen to the world’s most annoying song hundreds of times a day in an endless, Groundhog Day-style loop that has gone on since November 1rst, a situation that this parody video perfectly demonstrates, using humor to bring awareness to a tragic situation.

As a retail worker myself, it has gotten so bad that I haven’t felt any holiday cheer this year. Every day we retail workers go to work and listen to Mariah Carey blasting that all she wants for Christmas is us. But the song doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t make me feel any joy. There is only disgust and loathing at this damn song repeating over and over and over and over and over again with no end in sight I can’t stand it any longer I’ve already ripped out my ears and smashed my head into the wall but it’s not doing anything to silence that damn song someone help me I need help I can’t take it any longer I can feel myself going insane send help send help send help help help help help help.

Ǭ̴̡̛̩̠̤̳͔͍̝͙͉̼̗͔̻̺̭̦̫̤͕̦̈́̍̓́͂͌̆̽̂̔͆̓̅̈̔̇̔̕͘͝h̸̨̛̛͇͉̘͔̻̳̗̣̟̊͂̉͐̂̾̔̾̐́͂̽̍̏̀́͐̀̏̏̿͊͋͗̌̔̆̑̀̑́͘͘̚͘͘͝͠͝͝ ̸̢̧̧̧̧̡̨̧͍͔͖̹͓̥͍͙̺͇͖͎̦͈̻̳̼̞̲͖͉͈̲͖̭̩̣͖̻͈̩͉̟̲̌́̄̀͜͜G̸̡̧̡̧͕͓̩̮̯͇͇͕͉̩̮̯̺̯̝̤̤̭̫͙̥̱͉͓̭̹̪̻̙̱͖̭̙̟̼̝̲̩͎̜̓̉̽̃͐̋͒̅͂̈́̂̾̈́͌̇̄͊͗́̿̔͂̋̀̑̒̒̇͐̈́͒͌̀́͒͘͜ͅo̷̧̧̩̞̖̭̮̳̭͓̠̙̎͑͂̊̎̕͝͝͝ḑ̴̨̠̝̗̠̖͚͈͚̮̪͇̮̥̳̫̾̈́̋̇̈͗̓͌̿́̂́̈͒̽̀͐̒̍̓̉̊̾̓̄͒́̈́̚͜͝ ̴̢̪̠̖̬͙̻̞͕̩͕̞̻̮̮̮̟̰͈̗̻̹̬̰̬̭͙͚̞̮̞̲̼̮̞̘͕͎̠̩̒̈̈̇̽͛̐̊̎̎̀̉̇̓̌̌̔͐̅̉̊̆̓͛͆̋̐̍̌́͗̊͛̒̇́̌̐͘͘̚̚̚̕͜͜͠͝͝p̷̡̨̧̧̧̢̡̛̠̰̦̦̜̪̳͕̼͈̠̝͕͙͔͖̠̳̪̦̣̟̙̔͌̽͂̂̒̀̀́̑͌́͐͆͐̐̕͜͝͝l̸̢̧̗̜̦̭̗̘̼͕͈̋͂̾͐̅̇̆̄̉͛͗̊̆̀́̒͛̉͛͛͒̉͋̎͛́̓͒͂̅͊̈́͆̅̑͆͗̓̇̎͂̓̀̚̚͝e̵̢̲̖̗̬̥̤̲̎̈̓̉̂͝ą̴̨̳̩̱̟͓̦͉̲̘̗̠̹̟͎͈̠͔̙͓̖̠͎̟͚̫̪̝͓̮̞͚̺̘̗̥̪̤͖̬̑̓́͒̔̂̾̆̐̂͗͛̓̒̃̋̋̔̐͗̓̌̆̋̏̈́͋̀̈́͗̂̅͗͆͌̇̊͊̄̚͘͘͝ͅs̶̢̡̡̧̨̡̥̞̙̺͕̙͚̖̟̬͉̞͕̫̭͇̳̬̮̥̝̩̭̭̞̘̠͈̹̹̻̬̝͖̃͗̔͗͆̀̃̆̅̀́͋́͜ȩ̸̨̛̛͔̱̤͙̜͖̦͖͓͎̣̠̹̫̜̰͍̟̟̻̞̭͇̙͕̯̭̠̫̟̣̹̼̣̜̜͚̺͎̩̯̬̹̹͛́̉̌͛̆̀͋̏̏͋͗̎̈́̃̆̓̃͜ͅ ̸̨̧̧͈͇̠͙͙̞͇̝͓̞̞̗̭̤̘̝͈͍̟̞̣̞̺̽́̔̉͊̎͗̋͒̓̃̐͑̔̆̂̈́̇̆̌́͂̊͆̿̂̎͛̅̉̑͋̓͊̒̕̚̕͠͝ͅh̵̨̢͉̞̩͕͍̳̖̳̱̮̬͓͇̮̩̰̖̉̽̔͠͝ͅȩ̸̨̡̛̥̮͖̗̳̘̯̣͕͕̩̱͇̤̱͓̥̺̰̥̲̭͔̟̝̪̟̥̦̟̥̺̫̖̜͔̱̺͛̈́̇̊̎̓͋̆̑͋̊̂̎͛̽͒̎̊͒̕̕̕͜͜͜͝͠͝ͅļ̴̡̢͕͈̣̱̠̠͎̼̖̼̙̼͍͉̼̳̟̳̖̩̩̝̻̱̘̙̙̙̞̜̫͇͚͈͕̗͔͔̳̘̟̳̈́̈́͂́͆́͂̍́̋͒̇̓̑̔̐̌̓̀̋͗̀͘̕̕͜͝͝͝͝p̸̧̢̧̧̡̫̰̥͓̮̩͓̪͖̘͍̟͔̺̬̖̣̞̯̬͗̊́͋̃̆̆̕͠ ̶̩̤͚̗͇͚͎̻͎͈͖̪͓̤͕̞͗m̶̧̛̙̟͎̰̞͇̳̝̣̼̮̪̈́͐͂̿̐̾͗̅̏͆̿̊̑͜͝ȩ̶̛͉̠̱̳͖͔̗̖̭͔̬͈̖̘̞͕͚͖̣̺̦̭͛̒̏̊ͅ!̴̡̢̡̰̩̰͓̲̱͚̺̱̟̹͈̗̫͍̭̰̹͈̺͚̥͚̰͉̬̫̥̩̬̯̺̤̲̭͇̖̘̗̙̙̔̇̆̿́͒͆̎̌́̍̈́͋͂͐̾͝ͅ ̵̨̛̣̞̗̼̺̺͓̝̣̗̬̺͖̜͚̙̯̼̳̽̓̌̅̀̀̏̉̉͌̿̇̾̄͗̉͒͌͆͗͊͑͛̓̍̾̐̃̉͂̐̎͆̓̏̍̊͐͘͜͜͝͠͝͝͝͠͠H̴͎́͗͋̋̔̈́͘͠Ȩ̵̧̡̯͇̠̖̲̰̹̠̳͔̤͉̯̳̣̖̺͚̤̰̝̻̤͔̗̣̯̼̜̲̱̜̫̳̿̓̏̈́͆͐͐͝͝Ĺ̸̘̗Ṕ̴̡̛̱̲͓̟̘͇͍͚̹̘̩̘͕̜̻̥̞̖̝͉̘̰͉̖͓̹̫̝̼̦̀̋̌͋̀͛̽̊̂̀̍̍͂̇̃̅̃̋̏̿̎͂͐̏̎̈̆͆̀͛̔͑͗̿͛̑͘͘̚̕̕͘͜͝͠ ̸̨̨̛̩̹̪͉̎̇̓͒͑̿̄̋̏͑̅͒͂͐̅́̐̔͛̊͋̈́̕M̴̢̨̠̟̥̲͖̬̬̠͖͎̖̻͓̫̖̫̯̘͓̝̪͕͍͇̜̪͈̭̥̭̭͎͚̗̲͚̩͍͜͜͝ͅͅE̶̛̞̠̩̼͍̘͇͉̒̈́͗̎͐̃̈́́̂̓͋̏̾͊̒̐̍̒̆̇̀̒̂̀͒̇̈́̔̏̅̕̚͝͠͠ͅͅ ̵̢̡̨̨̲̹͖͍̞̭̯̜̖̖̤̻͔̗͓̻̜̻̫̯̦͉̤̞͈̘̜̘̩̙̣̲̩̬̇̈͊̌̓̊̈́̒̅̀͊͊̽͂̋̽̋̽̿̐́͜͜Ḩ̴̨̨̨̡̛͇͉̖̩̤̲̬̣̲̞̟͎̜̭͚̪͙̰̟̖̗͉̽̂͆̓̋͆̃̾̋͜ͅĘ̵̨̨̳̟̳̥͈̙̰͓̦͔̘͓͈͍̱͈̲̲̳͓̝͇̰͖͔̘̤͖̯̠̞̜̱̫͍̣͓̈̏̄͗͜L̷̠̝̙̙̼̺̦̲̍̐̊͋̏͛̄͋̽̒̀͝ͅP̷̧̛͕͓̳̝̜̙̝̫̘̻̞̺̟̫̈̉͂̌̑̍̽̽̑̉̀̽̍̉̽̇͋̏̒̎͗͌̕͠͠͝͝ͅ ̵̢̡̨̛̱̗̹̝̰̮̣͉͍̫̫̤̱́͐̀̀̉̓́̈́̾̕͠͠M̷̡̨̠̞̞͈͆̈́̈́̋̈́̈́́̑̉͊̓̑̏͑͆͋̀͊̿̌̅̋͛̋́̈́́̎̍͆̾͑͘͘͘͜͠͝͠͠ͅĘ̵̧̧̨̧̛̛̮̳̭͓̫̗͙͉͔̣̺͇̳̼͖̞̲̲̼̱̠̯͚͉͉̼͉̖̪̮̳͙͙̲̖̱͓̽̎̀̓̌̅̌͊͛̂͑͆̄̊̀͐͌̑̈́̈́̀͊̇̑͋́̒́͑̄̇̈́̂̃̌͊̇̆͝͠͠͝ ̸̛̛͇̼͉͚̖̻͕͍͓̃́͗̽̈̊͌̉̓̅͋̽́͋̒̍̃̆͛̓́́̅̈́̍̋̐̄̆̅̔̐͑̅̄͊̕̕̕͝H̷̢̛̙̼̹̙̮͕̼̪̮͖̬̥̞̖̪̻͈̪̦̗̞̠̝̜͑͑̓̊̎͑̃̋̈́̐͆́͘̚͝ͅE̴̛̛̛̩͎̤̤̤͖̭͖̖̭̠̫̦̬̟͕͈͉͎͂͂̎͊͌̉͛͂͂̿̓͋͑̃̓̉͗͛̾̀́͗͛͂̒́̽͒̌͌̔͗͂̈́̚͘̕̕̕͜͝͝͝L̶̡̢̢̛͕̮̫͉͍̪̪̫̼̗̰͚̠̘̪͈̪͖̲͚̣̤̘̗͉̦̤̬͇̻̺̲͇̜̭̓̂̂́̉̈̈́̒̃̿̔̍̄͂̄̒̍͆̂͌͆͆̈̐̅̈́̉̆͑̍̒̃̇̑͊̓̇̉̏͆͋́̕͘̚̕͜͝͠͝P̶̢̡̰̟̳̲͉̼̪̹̲͎̯̲̟̼͈̮̭̳̰͍̮̣͆͒͑͜͜ ̴̨̧̛̛̰̫̬͎̗̟̣̼̗̪̹̗̦͛̌̀̓͆̐͆̊̐͊̏̄̈́̌͐̋̒͂̐͒̈̒̽̅̃̆͘͝͝͝͠͝M̵̛̛͈͓͈̼̣̫̙̖̜͂̂̊̽͛͋͗̀̏̏̿̀̐̊̓̂͐̈͆͂̈̍̈́́͗̀͝Ë̶̢̢̡͍͎͕͍̯͎͙̖͚̟̫͓̝̳̦̲̯̳̟͖̭̺͇̞̙̖͔̺̟̲̤̖̠̭̭̟̫͚́͑͜ͅ ̸̧̡͓̟̟͔̯͈͇̥̠͔̭̣̗̙̍͂̆̇̓̌͒̍̐̈́̈́͂̽̿͒͆̏͘͘̚̕͜͠ͅI̵̛̛̱̫̹͔̬̟͓̠̰̮͙͚͕̣̥̭̳̤͚̥͇̫͖̹̖̹̲̼͉̲̤͚̝̮̩͒̈̆̅̔͗̔̏̆͌̿̎͆̃͂̂́́̂͆̈́͊̋̀̚͝͠͠ ̶̨̦͔̯̘̼̻̙͈̯̱̹̻̙́̐̔̿̾̇̆̎́̋͐͊͂̓̓̍͐̽͒̉͑͛̎̽̿͌͘͜͝͠ͅC̷̡̧̢̼̪̰̞͇̦̼̬͇̗̬͖̲͎̘͚̮̰̫̺̱̟͙̣̻̰̱͎̭̘̜̹̯̠̓̀̌̅͑̔́̾́̈́̊̔̔́̈́͑̏̕͜͠ͅͅͅͅA̴̧̟͍̳̩̩͎̬͓̰͙̰̟̦̭͎̭̹̦̯̻̫̹̿̓̆͜͜Ṋ̸̢̡̧̡͙̞̻̲̣͇͚̯̤̗̟̩͚͎͕͕̱̗̜̟͉̯͈͓̤̭̗̫̱͚͈̫͇̩̦̳̣̳́̅̑́̆̚͝ͅͅ’̸̧̡̡̧̫̗̫̬̙̹͈̩̙̱̞̭̗̼̣̮͖̭͎̳͙̗̩̼͙͉̮͓̙̯̅̄̈̀͗̓̓̈͗̃̒̀̎͂̈́̐̉̄͂͐͛̽͑̈́̆̈́͊͗̀͆̀͆͆͐̋̆̃̿͘̚̕͘͜͝͝T̴̛̛͉̥̥̮̹̪̝͔̹͇͑̑̂̍̓̈́̈͐̾̾͂̏͒̑̄̐͒̀̊͂̇̎̑̀̇̓̾̉́̋̉̐̒̊́̆̈́̈́̾̍͐͘̕̕͝͝ ̵̧͓̲͊̍̌̆͌̔̍̿̒͛͋͝ͅG̴̨͚̱͍͍̮̱̤̜̗̼̯͈̩͍͙̼͍͔̟̤͉͔͖̮̠̰̰͈̳̳̮̤͍͎̬̮̮͖̭̭͒̏̿ͅE̵̡̛̮͇̣̘̮̎͋̅̊͒̾̉̅̌̌̒̐͋̀̈́̔̽̃͌͒̀̇̊͋͗̏̽̊̊̈́́̌̒́͆̚̕̕͘͜͝͝Ṱ̸̨̛͖͖̪̙̣̈́͆͊̈́́̈́͆̏̑̈́̈́̀̅̊̅̆͗̒̈́̒̀͐͛͑̈́̇̎̇̆̈́͒̄̍̾̃̓̈̊̇͋̀̐́̃͌̅͐͘̕ ̶̛̥͔̅̄̈́͛͑̆́̎̾͊̅̀̔̍͊̇̐̅̑͌̂͘͠͝͝͝͠͠͝I̴̢̧̡̨̥͎̦͉̜͙̯͚͖̙̙̜̫̳̦̺͚̥̮̳̩̭̝̩̻̭̫̫͙̺̣̝̼̯̦͔͉̜̒̿͌̓̐̀̌̀͊̓̇̈́̔̾͋̎̾̅̑̈̓̑̎̎̾́̈́͜͜͝͝͠ͅͅͅͅͅͅT̷̢̛̲̠̳̰̘̖̺͙͍̲̮̳͖̤͚̪̜͐̉̋̓̉͊̐̔̑̑̉̐̅̾͋̔̍͊̄́̋̈́̇͒̆͂̾̈́̽̑͗̔̐̌̕͘̕̚͜͜͝͝ ̴̧̢̨̡̡̨͈̺̜̰̙͉̬̫̤̲̭̩̩̯̳̹̪̝̱̫̥͙̱͇̠͎̯̰̼̘̜̥̪͖͎͚̝̯̥̩̬͎̃͂̅̕ͅͅỎ̷̡̧̠̩͉͎̪̺̼̱̰̟̩̩͚̤̙̞͉̝͖̱̘̏̓̌͛́̌̏́́ͅỪ̵̢̡̱̩͉̼͎̘̣͍̹̘͉̫̦̯̩̟͓̝͖̼̬̞̋͋̄̒̉̋̓̍̀̐̿̍̈́̓̀̍̊́̈̄̋͌̋̆̈́̾̀̈́͆̈́͋̈́̀̒̂̄͐͑͒̓̚͘͘͘͘͠͝ͅT̴̺̼̃̊͋̃́̎̒̈́̅͐̃̔͐̆͌͌̅̿͆̍̓̏̉̽͗̈́̋̐̇̑͂̎̊͘͘̕̕̚̚̚̕͝ ̷̡̢̧̛̛̤͚̯̮͇̗͈͎͈̱̘̣͓̼̗͖̣͕͕̹̤̟̹̙͙̱̫̠̺̲͗͒̇̑͌́̔͑̇̂͗͆̔̒̑̇́̏̏̊̅̐̍̾̆̽͊̄̋̒̎̿̔͗̐̉͒̓̋͒̕̕͜͝͝Ỏ̵̧̭̣̣̯͎̞͈̳̪̜͔͕̖͓̜̮̜͈̆̑́͒̄́̄̿̃́̕ͅF̴̧̢̛̛͙̜̮͔͉̤͎͓̻̜̠͚̟̟͉̻̦͚͔̗̼̠͈͚͔͖̭̈̐̈́̂̍̍̌̈́̀̿̊̀̽̀̋͗͒́̌̀̀̀͐̽̀̊͑́̋͐̏̔͗͐̈́͑̅̇͊͆̋͑͘̚̚͜͠͝ͅ ̸̛̲̟̅͛͂͋̌̽̐̐̂͘͝͝͝M̴̡͇̝͓͇̹͍̀̆̽Ỷ̵̧̛͇̳͚̋̎͗͛̌̓͐́̉̈͋͂̎͐̓͋̾͛̉͗̋̄̍̚͜͠ ̷̨̢̡̢̭̖̠͓̯̙̼̙͎̮̭̻̬͈̣̖͇̒͌̈́Ḧ̶̛̛̛̛̬̺̹̰͕̘̎̾͆̈́̉͐́̽͋̎́̄͐̾͝ͅḘ̷̢̨̡͇̤͕͙̞̘̲̜̙̺̻̖̩̯͍̱̫̦̟͕̫̣͕͕̟̤̘̣̫̜̘͂͜͜ͅĄ̵̮͚͈̺̦̘̟͙̘̰̳͙̙͚̀̒̑͆͒̋̅̚͘D̵̡̪̯̦̭͔͈͋̇͠!̴͓͙̟̉͒̐̓̓͂̒̀̄̿̓̈́͒̐͋̀̈́̓̓̓́́̉̒̄̊͒͑̽̿̅̒̂̃͛̍͌̕̕̚͝͝͝͠ ̴̢̗͈̲̝̊̍̾̈́̑̈́͂͆̎͆̾̈́̍͋̀͆̓̂̍̂͘̕̕͠͝Ȋ̸̧͙̤̞̩̗̻̤̊̒̈̄̊̆͐̔̉̍̓̋̈́͑̔̄̔͐͛͗̓̆̂͊̌̍̈́̐̏̓̊̀͠͝͝ ̴̨̡̢̧͓͉͍̪̩̪͚͈̣͈͈̖͕͙͕̲̗̰͓̱̝̹̯͛̿̽̐͐͌̊̆̽̐̇͆̾̾̈̿̿̑̓̄̈́̐̅̓͗͂͂̌̐͐̈́̓͆̓̔̌̂̆͘̚͠͝͝͝C̶̨̨̭̬̰̞̈͌̈́̇̐́̆̓͊͛̈́̓̒̓͐̈́͊͋͐́͑̇̋̋̒͆͑̌̍̐̌̽̃̿͒͗̿̅̃̈́̀͛̕̕͝͝͝͠͝Á̴̦̺̯̯̪͎͍̰͉̩̲͎̥͑͛́͋͊͂͝͝Ṇ̵̡̡̧̛̮̰̪͎̜͎̱͇̤̙̲̖͍̤̩͕̠̜͚̲͚̦̟̅͗͗͛͂̈̉͂͆̿́̾̐́̃̿͒̋̿̂̄̀́̆̓̈́̇̓̐̆̊̂̏̓̍̋͘͝͠͝͠ͅͅ’̷̡̛̳͇̭̬̀͒͆̇͒̋̓̎͆̅̐̆̑͛̏̈́̄̔̓̀̎͑̏̌̕̚̚͘̚͜͝T̵̡̢̫̭͇̳̣͕̝̳̰͕̤̮̮̙̻̠̞̹͍̯͎̭̜͇̳̲̃̂̔̋͗̈́̂͆̀̐̔̆͊͂͂̄̂̊̈́̈́͑̑͋̂͌̒̚̕͝͠ͅ ̶̢̢̧̢͇͖̤̖̠̦͔̭̠͇̘͙̳̣͇̥̜̲̥̙̰̪͍̥͍̪͖͔̲͙̮̠͔̼̠̻̎͐̏̀̀̈́͂̃̀̍̋̽̌̏̓̅͂̃̓̿͛̋̈́͗̾̒̏̍͑̕̕͝͠͠͝͠ͅS̶̨̡͇̼͕̞͇̟̼͇̭͙̮̻̞̮̩̙͓̱͖̤̣̗̘̠̯̘̰͔̺̼̤̬̔͆͋̅̈̂͑̿̏̾͗̌̐͘͜͜͠ͅͅT̶̛̻̣̟̮͖̆̈̊͒̊̉̑̒̎̈́͒̈́̄̓̆͑̿͂̓̀̀̌̉̑̇̓̍̃̌̉̊̂̀̒̕͘͠͠͝͝À̴̛̱̳̟̫͉̘́̈͒̃͒̿͊̄̇̎̀͛̇̀̏̊͒̔̒̓̓̈͗̽̀̀̚̚͜͠ͅṈ̸̡̢̛͍̲͉̼̲̗̞̙̳̬͍̫͔̼̼̲̹͓̫͈̗̩̮̠͍̮͕̗͑͐̆̑̈́̐̑̾̍̈́͌͆̍̈́͂̈̓̔͆͗̕̕̚͜͠͠D̶̢̖̲̼͎̥͈̖̮̱̯͍͍̮̩̫͖̪̝̜̠̘̙̻̹̳̭̆̀͆́̅͜͜͜ͅ ̵̨̪͔̩̭̫̯̜͉̜̘̯͍̘̤̺̍̀̈́̆̾͂̀̆̃͐͂̅̍͆̀̓͐́͐͋͆̏̔͘͜͝ͅȊ̷̡̛̱̩̼̖̜̉̀́̒̏̒̐͌̓̎͆͌̓̒̂̃̐̋̑̉̍͐͛͗̀̉̚̕̚͘͘͝͝͠ͅͅT̸̡̡̨̹̙̙̤͙͍̱͔̖̲̮͎̮̻̙̠̙̝̟̗̤̙̘̰̞̲̲̲̙̙̤̖͙̖̜̥͊̉̏͗̾͂̈́̌̎̈́͜͝ͅͅͅ ̴̡̨̹̠̦̞͈̩̼͍͖̜͕͈̥̙͕̼̬͖̙͈̤͚̙̟͚̥̘̺̥̰̱̬͔̟̻͈̠̈̿̿̅͌̐̄̇͊͊̉̈̎̀̒̑̆̎͊͑̓͂̐̓̈́͌̀͌̃̚̚̕͠͝ͅA̴̧̡̧̨͎̭̞̤̪͍͉̖̱͉̻̟͕̲̫̙̘̮̼͓̘̣̹̩͕͎̱̤̦̲̤̩͕̖̰̰̹̭͓̪̣͋͗͛̆͗̄̄́̿̓̈͑̓̋͋̀͒͐̀̾̃̍͌̈́̌̌̄̔͘̚͘̕̚̚͝͝͝͠͝͠͝ͅͅͅN̷̨̥̓̄̾̃͑̽͛̊̎̿̿̐̌͂̍͂͑͆̊̅̔͋̈̍̍̓̇̇̚͘͠͝͝Ÿ̸̤̮͇̫͎̳̙̲̫͓̖̜̜̥̼͓̩͚̜̗̬͉̤͎̘̺̓́͆̃͆̈̑͛͂͒̽͆̄̉̃́͊̀͊͛̔̄͆̀͌̃̐͋͒̆̕͘͘̚̚̚ ̷̢̛̳̺̟̟̦̻̩̤̑̊͆̈͐̓̏͌̃̀̇̽̀̃̊̈́͌̆̉̀͒̀͛̏̈́͂̈́͘̚͝͠L̶̡̢̧̫͉̤̯̤͍̖͔͇̹̝͕̻͉̺̭̥̼̟̗̠̤̲̗̜̣̈́̎̉̏̔̾̊̈̑̒͑̓͊͌̂͋̉̊Ớ̸̧̝̤̼̋́̂̌͊Ṉ̸̨̛̲̺̮̺̲̞̦̣̤̙̗̟̙̫͉̯̘͎̝̟̖̘̬̀̂̑͋͋̈́̀̅́̚͘G̶̛̹͖̮̝̲͍͇̭͙̙̜̯̠̰̻̖̜̜͇̔̓͐͛̈̓̋̋̆́̈̓͒̓̌̎͘̚͜͝͠Ę̸̨̛̯̙̺̼̗͙͈͚̘̟̝̻̝̤̣͚̙̙͔̣̘͓̻͎̞̗̣̝͙̯̠̬̹͈̎̀̾̿̕͜͜͜Ṟ̸̢̨̪̪̙̣̦͓̝̤̱̫̫̞͙̱̠͈͖̰̤̽̅̀͗͌̓̑͂̓̾̎͛̑̉̌̒͑̿̌̈́̄̕͘͘͜!̸̢̻̯̙̩̻̱͇͎̈́̿̀̿̓͗́̕ ̵̢̬̼͚͓͎̖̖̥̤͙̜̆̎̒͒̃̈́͛̋̎͗̓̈́̌̚ͅͅP̶̨̝͕̤͍̹͔͎͕̲͈͙̫̝͇͎̙̌̽̿̒̇͊̆̇̆̒́̆̔̐͛̈͆͂̿̒̂̐̅̏̒͗̉̂̍̉͑̓̈́̊̄͌̚̕͘͠Ḻ̴̢̧̢̱̺̭͎̫̗̺͖̻̫̟͍͔̮̰̣̱͎̱͍̩̣̖̯̼̠̳̈̾̊̎̍̍͐̋͋̓͐́͌̍̂͂̐̿͠͝͠͠Ḙ̸̡̨̛̥͓͑̀͗͋͌̋̓̎̒͋̓̂͌̀̿̉̈́͐̈́̈́̐͊̀̈̔͐̃̀̅̋̔̓̋̈́̊̊̑͌̈́̔̕̚̚͝͝͝A̵̡̛̛͙̻̫̥͚̩͇͇̪̹̖͒̔̓̋̑̀̂̆̀͊̑̽̑͊̊̍̇̈́͊͗̑̂̈́̒̕͘̚͜͝͝͝͝S̶̡̤̰͎̻̦̙̹̳͉̜͓̞̖̯̙͎͎̉͐̇͐̈́͛̈́͋̿̐̂̎̍͌́͋̌̍̿̀̄̌̅̂͆̅̎̉͂͗̉͆̕͘͠͝͠͝͝͝Ȅ̵̡̲̲̯͈̝͖̺̖̲͍̩̲̝̰͕̦̫͙̏͛͐͜͜ͅ!̸̛̱̯͔̹̙̭̞͔̈́͐̈́̈́̐̅̉͒̄̋̈́̄̎̐̔́̃̅̓͗̑̚̚͘̚ ̵̧̠̜͚̳̠̹̹̜̣͕̰̗̫̣͓̭̻̦̱͎͚̟̳͉̞̥̬̝̓͒̈́͛͛̽̊Ş̸̩̖̫͙͕͎͎̞̫͇̯̭̝̦͖̘̯͖̹̣͍͚̹̯̣̘̯̲͔͚͇̝̠̙̮̔̍̾͆̕̚͜͜ͅͅƠ̴̡̦̭͚̹̰̘͔̹̜̳̼͉̙̯̖͖͍̰̻̹̼͉̰̙̦̯̤͕̜̫̝̼̻̗͉̙̹̾̅͐̾̎͋́͑̈́̋̓̋̿̐̉͂̄͆̐͌͑͗̀̍͋͛́̓̔͗̇͑̊̎̀̇̃͆͐̊͒̑̀̕͘̕̕͘M̵̹͙͉͓̦̹͙̬̲̳̥̹̺̥͍̬̹͓̪̭̰̺̩͖̼̮̖̉̌͛́͌̄̀́̀̿͋͒̉̄̾͒̑̈́̿̿̔̄̕̕̕͜͜͝ͅE̸͚̲̘͋̆̍̆́͗̄̓̏̓̌̔̈́͘͠Ǫ̶̧̢̛̪͙͔͖̙̼̳̬͚̥̟̬̺͎̗͚̙͔̙̮̱̰͚̣̖͇̤̗͉̘͔͚̥͎̺̯̹͎̝̞͇̞̰̞̺͆̿͂̈́̽̋͊̐͂̎̆̑͊̆͆͒͋̈̆͑͗͆̎͘͜ͅN̸̡̺̠̺̥͍̘͎̖͎̤̭̹̫͈͖̮̞̻̞̜̲̱͍̬̮̠̝͇̥͖͙̹̼̖̙̜͐͗̄͜͝E̵̢̛̠̹͇̜̟̠̪̞̭͓͓̩̪̟̫̺̯̞͔̲̐͌͌̑͑̀̒̕͜͠͝ͅ!̵̨̠͖̝̮̖̫͍͎͖̲̟͉͙̗̞̻̱͇͖̐̆͒̽͐͗͑̚̕͝ͅ ̷̧̨̨͔͈͕͉̪͚͚̲͈̙̻̝̪͉͎̠̗̣̳̭̗̻͍͈̦̦͕̟͕̳̭͚̠̥͉̥͕̉̉̄͑̆̅̔̂͗̆͊̄͑̓͛͋̽̏͗̏̂͑̉̋̇͋̌̅̒̚͜͜͝͠͝ͅA̸̢̠̗͆̀̈́̐̈́̿̑̎͑̅͐͑͂̔̆̿͛͊̈̍͊̌͛͑́́̂̕̚̚̚͝͝͝͠ͅN̸̡̨̛̟̝̼̮̪͎̖̤̈̏̽̌̔̇̈́͘͜͠͝Y̴̧̡̛̥͙͚̳̗͉̗̪̼͔̝̠̋͗̓̅̓̽̋͗͋̍̂̈͐͒̉̄͛̆͊͊̿̏̔̀̾̽͋́̄͑̆͑̎́̋̌̄̚͘̚̚͝͠O̸̢̟̩̤͉̞̖̝̰̜̻̹̭̮͖̮̎͋͐͆̎̓͂̅͑͐̓̓̋͒̂̇̒͗́̏̕͝ͅŅ̶̨̢̮͙̟͈̦̦̫̦̙͍̰̹̳̦̻̲̼̬͖̰̝̲͔̺̙̰͙̝̞̺͔̠̬̖̩̥̜̮̦͎͐̒̾̋̐̃̆̍̾̽̊͐̓̋̎͆̚͘͜͠ͅͅE̴̢̡̨̛̯̰͎̞̫̭̮̟͍̩͚̜̲̤̝̰̱̮͈͈̗̖̩̹̰͓̘̩̣̫̥͓̯͔͈̬̬͍̟͎̭̟̗̯̩̯͊̔͑̑̏̐͗͋̍̐̉͗̔̿̈̒̆̋̀̽̓͋̒̌̿̈͛̈́͋̇̂̅̏̄̓̈́͑̾̚͘͜͠͝͠͝͝!̶̭̺̥͇̤̻̪͎͎̯͇̜͚̯̭͔̎͊́̽̇͑̄́̀̂̉̏͋̾̓̔̂̿̈́͛̂̽͒̚̕͘̚̚͝͝͝ͅ ̴̛̮̼̍̌͌́̓̆̉͛͗̇̌͑̅̈́̓͂̾́̕Ĥ̷̡̨̡̡̢̥̖̙͖͚̗̱̟̰͓̝͙͉͚̪̬̭̲͕̪̝̞͇̳̠͖͇̰͈̬̹̘̱̮̰̍̈̏̄͂̿̓̃̇͆̃̂͐̌͛̏́͒̄̍̉͌̈́̏̍̅͊̃͌̽̏͛̌̎͆̑͌̊͋̓̊̚̕̚͝È̴̡̧̛̝̦̼͉̹̖͍̫͈͉͚̤̬̖͖͕̬̲̤̗̰̤̻̬̭̤͆̋̒̌̀̈́ͅL̴̛̙̭͇̎̍̑̂͑̈́̍̾̌̃̽̿͂͑̈́͛̅́̋̉͂̓́̓̈́̉̾̇̈́̈́͑̈́̄̒̂̏͑̓̕͝͝͝͝͝P̵̲̰̱̦̪̻̱̱̣̝̙̜̀̏̎̿̿͐̀̽̌̇̿̃͗̊͑͜͝ ̶̫̱̋́̃͋̋̆̀̈́̆̒̋̆̋̑͂̐͝͠M̶̪͐́̀̊E̸̡̡̡̛̻̭̭̠̼̙͓̲͖̳̝͇̯̓͛̓̔̒̀̇̑̃̎͛̂̍̾̈̀̅̓̅̍͒͋͆́̑̋̄̕̚͜͝͠E̴̼̼̭̩̝͚̣͎͐̐͗̔̓̽͛̌̋͜Ȩ̴̧̛̩̹̺͍̥̥̳̼̭̩̙̩͔͓̳̠̣̮̼̲͕̼̼̤̻̘̮̯͚͎̱̱̥̿̀́͑͋̂͗͊͐͋̿͝ͅE̴̪̫̘̯̲̮̰͋͌͗̂͆̌̆͋͊̉̎͋̚̚͘͜͝È̶̡̧̧̫͚͉̖̲̣̠̜̼͕͈͍͙̩̗͉̜̰̘̦̥̥̹̲̳̤͇̙̰̀̑́̀͒͑͝ͅE̴̡̛̥͇̰̭͓͚͎͎̳̫̘̩̤͍̻̯͚͇̭̪̱͚͙̹͓͚̮͔̪͚͖̝̱̫̒͗͌̉̀̔̽͑͆͑̾̐̆̃͊̋̀̀̌̑̏̄̾̽̽̎̌̐̚̚͜͜͝Ȩ̴̣̮͉̘̮͙̱̱̮̘̘̘̹͈̈̋͆̑̆̇̋̏̽̌̋͂̀̒͐͗̀́̊͌́̍̂̀͘̕̕̚̚̕̕͜͠Ẻ̷̝̓̅̽̔͐̐͠Ę̸̨̢̢̢̨̡̢̼̫̼̞̳̟̗̦̺͖̮̞͉̭̟̤͇͇̼͈͈͈͇̗͕͖͚̮͕̺̈́̅̈́͜͜ͅE̵̛͖̭͓͈̫͚̅̆͆̉͐̔̑̍́̽͊͐̃̈́́̏̀́̇̽̊̈́͘̚͝Ḙ̷̢͖̟̝͉̠̗̪͛͗͛̿͜Ę̵̨̡̛̰̳̱̤͇͇̩̗̫̮̦̩̦͙̝͇̻̘̤͉͍̺̪̫̱̪̥͖̲̙͕̹͎̼̼̮̳̭̻̰̰̔͒͗͂̈́̋̓͂̈͜͜͜͝ͅͅȨ̶̛̞̯̙̠̫̫̘͉̭̗̜̮̬̫̖̖̝̹̌̊̅̋̈́̑͌́͐͛͋̑̓̍̓́̇͂̂̏̀̎͊̅̋͊̈́͐̄̀̈́͑̏̑̉̕̚̚̕̕ͅE̵̡̨̛͕̜̭̦̣̖̰͈̟̖͖̯͍͎͈̲͙̰̯̠̤͙͍̙̫̱͍̺͚͖̽̆̔̑̇͑͂̾̔͋̈́̽̆͂͌̽͐̋͗̀̇̾̐̕͝É̵̢̡̡̧̪̩̘̖̠̖̤͎͈͍̬̙̤̬̮̼̝͙̣̑̅͐̍͒͜͜͝ͅͅĘ̸̨͍̞̻̗͖̟̫͔̙͖̣̜̼̱̺̪̗̩̭̦͗͗̔̇̔̏̽̈̌́̆́̆̀̑̌̆̆͛̀̓̅͌̾̽̇̃͐̇͂͆̍͆̔̅͗͌̽̀̀̑͆̀̓̃́̕̚͠͝ͅĘ̶̢̳̺̹͇̰̰̘͓̩͕̜͈̳̭͎̼̮̩̬̠̪̮̰̺̹͔̯̘͕̙̖̟̖̘̣͚͈̜̥̰͎͉̼́̆̓̿̏͆̊͛͐̂̓̑̈́͛̄̎͋́̔̀͘̚̚̚͜͜͝ͅĖ̶̡̧̢̢̢̻͕̦̼̠̱̪͙͙̘̲̯͎̺̲̟̠̙̼̩̼̹̠̲͚̹̦̉́̃̾́̑̐̚̚͠Ȩ̷̡̧̨̧̡̢̡͇̤̲͕͕̺̫̫̹̝̬̩̮̜͕̮̙̹̖̦̩̜̱̟̦̜̖̭̤̣̗̰̜̮̯̦̘̇̽͗͆͛̽̾̆̓͐͒̔͋̆̉̏̆̈̒̏̉̉̚͜͜͠ͅͅE̷̡̘̟͚̦̲̩̫͈͍̘̞͙̺̭̔̏͂̓̃͂̽̽͒͂͐̀́̓̌͌̄̋̀̋̏̓̇̊͛̊̌̿͐̈́̃̽͠͝͠Ę̵̛̺̬̼͕̰̔̒͛̇̋̾̅͆͑͒̈́̉̏͋̈́̔͌̿͛̏̀͆͐̅͋͐͌̊̄̑̈̎͂͗̓̚̚̚̚̚͝͝͝͝E̶̢̢̛̟̟͙̥̬͇̻̩͙̼̎͋̅̆͊̀̉͆́̓̄̑̌̈͂̑̄̈́̊̀̄̈̈́̋̓̇͐̿̈͂͐̇͑͐̅̃̓̍̕̕̚͘!̸̨̧̧̢̧̛̣͔̖̙͙̘̙̩̹̪̪͈̰͖͙̖̰̠̹͔̙̜̳̖̝͇̝̲͖̖̻͈͍͎̞̮̘̩̲͈͍̰̒͋͂̀̄̂̋̆̃̓̓̍̎̿͜͝

Favorite Moments: “Where’s Mark, William?”

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

We all have our favorite moments in movies, books, and games, moments that stay with us long after the story is over. This column is my attempt to examine my favorite moments and see why they stick with me.

***

The Show

‘Invincible’

The Scene

Why it’s great

With spooky season now upon us, and Halloween fast approaching, we’re getting plenty of monsters, ghouls, zombies, and ghosts in pop culture. But while we’re used to jumpscares, teeth, growling, snarling, and buckets of blood as helpless victims are torn apart this time of year in TV, movies, and games, rarely do we see what I like to call Ultimate Evil: Evil that isn’t funny, humorous, or jokey in any way, like Freddy Kruger, Ghostface, Chucky, Pennywise, or so many other monsters and villians. The type of evil I’m referring to is the kind that is focused on its goal and doesn’t tolerate anything in its way. If you try to stop it, it will destroy you without cracking a joke, tormenting you, or otherwise trying to terrify you. This kind of evil doesn’t care what you want or think, and can’t be threatened because it knows it can’t be beaten. As Cassian Andor said in ‘Andor,’ “Power doesn’t panic.”

One of the best scenes I’ve found that demonstrates this comes from the (extremely bloody) animated adaptation of ‘Invincible.’ Here, Nolan Grayson (AKA, Omni-Man, the most powerful superhuman on Earth, and one who has murdered untold millions of beings) confronts his son Mark’s best friend, William, to find out where Mark is. Their subsequent talk is nothing less than a hyper-focused predator starting at panicking prey: William realizes that Nolan could crush him into bloody pulp in an instant and that there’s nothing he could do about it. Worse still, Nolan’s patience is running thin, leaving William with only a few seconds to appease him. But not once does Nolan raise his voice or even threaten William; he doesn’t need to. All he has to do is glare at William, crush part of the car’s roof, and he gets what he wants.

This scene is, to me, the perfect representation of what facing evil would really be like: knowing that your adversary can destroy you (or worse) without any effort, and there’s nothing you can do to stop them, and the only way you get out of this is by using your wits and cunning… assuming you have enough sense of mind to do so.

One Way To Make Terminators Scary Again

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

One common critique of the Terminator franchise is that after the first two films, each subsequent terminator model (the T-X, T-RIP, T-3000, and REV-9) feels less threatening despite being more technologically advanced than the T-800 and the T-1000.

Why is this? Perhaps it’s because in the first two films, the characters are under-equipped to take on the terminators, and even those who are trained and know about their opponents (Kyle, the T-800) are aware that they aren’t going to win in a one-on-one fight and act accordingly. Their goal is to stay alive and not fight unless there is absolutely no other choice. They’re underdogs, and there’s a very real sense of danger every time they face the T-800 and the T-1000.

Starting with Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, though, the characters become more willing to fight and are better equipped: in T-3, John, Kate, and the T-850 gain a large cache of weapons. In Salvation, humanity knows about terminators and has the weaponry to take them on. In Genysis, Sarah and Pops have built up an arsenal of weapons over several years and are unfazed to take on the T-3000. And in Dark Fate, Sarah and Grace are battle-hardened warriors unafraid to take on the Rev-9. As a result, the sense of danger is largely gone. The underdogs are no longer underdogs.

There are many ways for the Terminator series to make the terminators frightening again, but I think one important lesson is to take inspiration from, of all places, 1993’s Jurassic Park: the park’s game warden, Robert Muldoon was a big-game hunter armed with shotguns and decades of hunting experience, but even he was scared of facing velociraptors, only doing so when he had to. If the Terminator franchise gives its protagonists and robotic killers the same relationship, that can help restore the sense of danger and terror that’s faded since 1991… that, and stopping the terminators from just throwing everyone around instead of snapping necks and punching out hearts.

Is This The True Face of the Overlook Hotel?

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

Ever since it’s release in 1980, ‘The Shining’ has kept viewers guessing for decades about it’s various secrets, including exactly what is going on with the Overlook Hotel itself. The film strongly hints – and the sequel, ‘Doctor Sleep’, all but confirms – that the building itself has a sort of consciousness that forces the ghosts of the hotel to do its bidding and absorb more souls into its haunted walls. And this hotel is an example of the most frightening kind of evil, one that is patient, biding its time as it watches it victims, learns about them, discovers their weakness, and slowly applies pressure to make them give in to their worst impulses without them realizing it, eventually becoming permanent guests in the time-warp that is the Overlook Hotel.

But like all great horror stories, ‘The Shining,’ never reveals what the Overlook’s malevolent self looks like. It is always out of sight, always hidden, and never seen..

But what if the Overlook’s dark core has been hiding in plain sight?

In the 2019 adaptation of ‘Doctor Sleep,’ a grown-up Danny Torrance returns to the rotting remains of the Overlook. What follows is a nostalgic tour of the hotel’s many iconic areas in a state of disrepair, including the Gold Room, where Danny has a ghostly reunion with his father. And while the film rightfully focuses entirely on the talk between father and son, there’s something about this scene that isn’t noticeable unless you’re paying very close attention to the background. Specifically, this shot:

Notice those lamps in the background? They look like mouths. Gaping maws of darkness with the bright, glowing, featureless eyes above them. This, I believe, is the true face of the evil haunting the Overlook, a gaping maw and inhuman eyes, ready to suck in anyone it can get, and they’ve always been there. Compare that shot to the original film:

Notice how in both films, neither Jack or Danny notice these faces. But Lloyd does, and so does Jack when he’s behind the counter in ‘Doctor Sleep.’ How can you tell? Look at their eyelines.

It’s as if they’re silently watching their demonic master before turning their attention back to the latest slave the Overlook wants to add to its collection. And it’s not just the gold room; these lights can be seen throughout the film: the very first time we see Jack, the hotel is watching him.

It watches Jack when he’s working on his book:

Or when Danny is riding his bike:

Or when Rose walks through its halls decades later:

But that’s not all: there are moments when these lights are not lit, like when Wendy is walking around:

The lights aren’t lit because the Overlook isn’t interested in Wendy. It wants Jack and Danny, not her, so it doesn’t bother watching her. Likewise, when Dick arrives at the Overlook and looks for the Torrances, the lights aren’t on; he doesn’t see them:

Yet, moments after he dies, the lights are on, watching Jack, encouraging him to continue his rampage:

Of course, this is just a theory. But perhaps the Overlook has been staring at us for decades; we just never saw it.

The Best Background Characters: ‘Oh God’ guy

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

Every story has a cast of characters that we follow and watch and come to love… but what about the background characters? The nameless masses who rarely get our attention? This column examines my favorite background characters who deserve a moment in the spotlight.

***

The Show:

‘The Lenny Henry Christmas Show’

The Character:

A random audience member

The Scene:

Why He Deserves A Moment In The Spotlight

It’s spooky season once again, and what better way to mark the occasion than with this terrifying live action parody of Wallace and Gromit from 1995’s ‘The Lenny Henry Christmas Show’? The lovable, charming duos of Wallace and Gromit have gone from England’s most lovable couple into inter-dimensional abominations wearing skinned flesh in an attempt to blend in with humanity and their canine companions. It’s so grotesque, so horrifying, that at 0:51 in the clip, you can just faintly hear someone in the audience groaning, ‘Oh god…’ I don’t know who this man is or anything about him – and he’s not even a background character, per se – but he sums up the audience’s feelings so perfectly that he becomes the best thing about this sketch, stealing the show from the two things that will haunt my nightmares forever more.

What We Can Learn From The Star Wars Holiday Special (For Real This Time)

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

Last year, I gathered all my courage, mourned not being able to watch The Incredible Hulk, and finally sat down to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special, which is commonly called one of the worst moments in television history and one of the biggest missteps in the Star Wars franchise, sentiments that are completely and utterly 100% true. And while I played up this awfulness for comedic value, I figured it was time to actually write out what works well and what doesn’t in the special because, despite what pop culture might tell you, I was surprised to find that the special is… not that awful.

Now, don’t get me wrong; the special is not some misunderstood masterpiece that has aged like fine wine. It is a bad show with seemingly endless padding, almost ten minutes of non-stop Wookie gargling without subtitles, stirring and whipping, and the… inconsistent acting. And that’s before Leia breaks out into song. But as hard as it may be to believe, there’s also some good things, too: the lighthearted, feel-good music, seeing Luke, Leia, Han, and all the other classic characters doing their stuff, the 70’s style that saturates the whole thing, and some downright hilarious Youtube comments.

Now, lest you feel the temptation to actually sit down and watch the special (an endeavor I don’t recommend unless you’ve consumed copious amounts of alcohol) sit back and let me present to you the hard-won writing lessons I got from watching this piece of 70’s kitsch.

What does the story do well?

The core concept isn’t bad

Regardless of its execution, the story of the Holiday Special itself isn’t bad: During a period of galactic civil war, Chewbacca tries to get back to his family on Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, the most important holiday in Wookie culture. But it won’t be easy: the Galactic Empire is in hot pursuit of Chewie, and maintains a presence on Kashyyyk harassing the locals. Not only will Chewie and Han have to escape the Empire, but Chewie’s family will also have to outsmart and outwit the local Imperials before Chewie arrives so they can all safely celebrate. That’s not a bad story at all, which leads the Special to stand as proof that even the best story ideas can fail due to other circumstances.

It has a good introduction to Boba Fett

While fans generally agree that the Holiday Special is awful, there is also agreement that the best part is a short cartoon that features the first appearance of Boba Fett, one of Star Wars’ most famous side-characters. And they’re right! It’s a short, self-contained story that takes full advantage of it’s animated medium to create interesting and unique visuals that would be expensive to do in live-action, as well as give Boba a moral ambiguity that left first-time viewers wondering if he truly was an ally or someone nefarious, all aided by an excellent voice performance by Don Francks. Plus, hearing Darth Vader in any cartoon is always an excellent thing.

It shows what life is like for ordinary people in a sci-fi universe

If there’s only one thing the Holiday Special does well, it’s to show what life is like for ordinary, everyday people in the Star Wars galaxy, the folks who aren’t involved in the war, who aren’t firing blasters at Stormtroopers, and who just want to get through their day. We get to see cooking shows, what a Wookie home is like, the toys a child has in this galaxy, and what common people do to relax and have fun.

While showing ordinary life in a fantasy world sounds boring (don’t we indulge in fantasy to escape from everyday life?), it actually adds a lot of depth to that universe. Films and books typically devote little to no time showing what everyday life is like for people in fantasy worlds because of needing to focus on whatever is threatening that world. Devoting an hour and half to showing people buying and preparing food, playing, relaxing in bars, and celebrating holidays doesn’t bring in the big bucks at the cinema, after all, which makes these kind of stories rare, and even rarer in one of the biggest film franchises in history.

What could have been done to improve the story?

Everything

Okay, that’s too easy.

It could have cut out the Wookie porn

Unless it is a vital part of the story, we don’t need to watch an elderly Wookie getting sexually stimulated by softcore virtual pornography.

It could have cut out all the padding

On retrospect, I think one reason the Holiday Special earned such a disastrous reputation is that so much of it feels like padding. Part of this is due to the variety show format, but while parts of it are… tolerable… most are not, such as Malla stirring and whipping, and almost four minutes of assembling a transmitter. If these segments were removed and the story revised to focus on the holiday aspect, it would have been a stronger, more enjoyable tale.

It could have made the story more ‘holiday-ey’

While the slice-of-life format of the Holiday Special is a welcome change from the constant, non-stop war seen in all the Star Wars films, the holiday aspect feels almost non-existant. While it wouldn’t make sense for the Star Wars universe to just copy Christmas traditions verbatim, it would have been nice to see more holiday traditions throughout the special, such as festive decorations, gift-giving, etc. Even having Itchy, Lumpy, and Malla try to spread holiday cheer to the Imperials who come to their house would have helped embody the spirit of a winter holiday. As it is, the special’s only holiday aspect comes at the very end; while this works as the climax to the story, it would have been better to have more moments of festivity throughout.

Conclusion

While it deserves much of the negative reception it’s received, the Star Wars Holiday Special is, like every story, a product of its time. Where the rest of the Star Wars saga is a timeless story, the Holiday Special is a weird time capsule of the late 70’s, for better or worse, a time where where variety shows were viable entertainment, but starting their slide into obsolescence, and the Star Wars franchise was still trying to find its footing. And while there is a lot to dislike here, there’s still some good stuff, too. In a way, the Special is like our own holiday season: If we honestly search for things to be thankful for in a world filled with pain, suffering, and misery, we can find them.

Happy Winter Holidays, everyone.

How To Make ‘Aliens’ Even Better

/ Imperfect Glass / Leave a comment

Ever since the release of ‘Aliens’ back in 1986, it’s been hailed as one of the greatest sci-fi action horror films of all time, as well as one of the greatest sequels ever. While I agree with both sentiments, I still prefer the original, 1979 ‘Alien’. Where ‘Aliens’ is about highly-trained warriors taking on a threat they can kill, ‘Alien’ is about everyday people struggling to defeat an opponent who’s stronger than them, faster than them, and can kill them in an instant. ‘Aliens’ has a stronger focus on action, while ‘Alien’ has a better formula for horror.

Recently, that got me thinking: What would ‘Aliens’ look like if we were to, say, take away all the marines, guns and military-grade equipment?

In this parallel universe, ‘Alien’ ends with Ripley, Parker, Lambert, and Jones escaping the Nostromo, which explodes and kills the Xenomorph. Sixty years later, the three survivors are woken by the escape shuttle’s computer detecting a nearby colony. Ripley and the others set down on the planet, only to discover that the colony is in ruins. Sneaking inside, Ripley, Parker, and Lambert (Jones remains on the parked shuttle) find Newt and realize that the colony has been overrun by Xenomorphs. Needless to say, the group tries to get back into space to avoid facing any more penis-monsters from beyond the stars, but the shuttle is overrun by said penis-monsters. While they just barely manage to rescue Jones, the shuttle is rendered inoperable via acid blood, stranding Ripley and the others on the planet.

Lambert, predictably, freaks out. Parker’s not happy, either, but Ripley manages to calm them down: if they can use the colony’s communications grid to call for help, they can then hunker down and wait for a rescue, as Newt managed to survive on her own without any training. But due to damage to the colony’s atmosphere processing unit, power is out throughout the complex. Parker and Lambert jury-rig the system to let them send off a single broadcast, and then all they can do is survive until help arrives. But as in the original film, the processing unit begins to melt down, and without any means of escaping into space, everyone will be forced to flee into the inhospitable wilderness of LV-426 and fend off any Xenomorphs that come after them.

Would Ripley and the others be able to survive? Would they be able to drive far enough away from the plant before it explodes? Would they be able to last months before help arrives? And, most importantly, would they be able to discover why kids like the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I’ll leave that up to you, but this thought experiment changes the tone and feel of the movie completely: by replacing marines and their weapons with untrained civilians, ‘Aliens’ becomes a more frightening movie because surviving becomes so much harder without smartguns, pulse rifles, and APCs. Ripley and her friends would have to scavenge whatever equipment they could find and improvise in order to fight for survival. And where they had to only face one alien last time, now they have to face dozens, if not hundreds. Survival is still a possibility, but much less likely.

The bottom line from this thought experiment? Untrained, unprepared, everyday people are almost always the best protagonists to have in horror movies, as the fight to survive will feel more authentic than if our protagonists are highly-trained, testosterone-filled, well-armed soldiers. Take away the big, powerful guns, the body armor, the apcs, grenades, missiles, and fighter craft, and you’re no longer the alpha predator; you’re prey, and your fight to survive will be all the more intense.